OK, so it’s perfectly clear that Dancing With The Stars is a much more exciting proposition than Strictly Come Dancing.

On Strictly Come Dancing, what have we got? A middle-aged woman from a coffee advert and the woman off The One Show. But on Dancing With The Stars it’s a completely different matter. On Dancing With The Stars, people literally dance until their appendixes explode, and then they carry on dancing anyway.

That’s more or less what happened to Dancing With The Stars professional Julianne Hough, anyway – after being diagnosed with endometriosis last week, she’s having her appendectomy today and hopes to be back dancing within a week, a date that incidentally coincides with the debut of new ABC series Dancing With The Oh God My Stitches Are Coming Undone, Oh God, Oh Jesus No, My Guts Are Seeping Through My Dress. Stay tuned, kids.

Seriously though, how rubbish is Strictly Come Dancing compared to Dancing With The Stars? Not only does Dancing With The Stars now officially cure heart disease, but it’s also about a thousand times more dramatic.

Take last week, for instance. Professional dancers on both shows picked up injuries. On Dancing With The Stars, professional Julianne Hough discovered that uterine-lining tissue was growing outside the uterus on the surfaces of her appendix and if she didn’t get her appendix removed quickly, she’d probably die or something. Meanwhile on Strictly Come Dancing Brendan Cole hit his leg on an escalator and it really flipping hurt. It hardly compares, does it?

And, just to show how much of her life is dedicated to the art of twirling around in a dress that barely covers her bottom, Julianne Hough has decided that she isn’t going to let a little thing like a septic internal organ stop her from performing on Dancing With The Stars, as People reports:

Julianne Hough undergoes an appendectomy on Tuesday – and wants to hit the dance floor within days. “Everything’s okay,” the two-time Dancing With the Stars champ said on Monday night’s show, where she performed a samba with partner Cody Linley. “I’m going to hopefully be back, if everything goes as planned, next week.”

Even for cynics like us, Julianne Hough returning to Dancing With The Stars a week after a fairly major operation seems fairly remarkable. She’ll certainly be the centre of attention when she does make her comeback, as all of America eagerly awaits the debut of brand new dance moves like the Agonised Double Over, The Pallid Vomit and the Sudden Screaming Collapse.

Still, though, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Kim Kardashian, don’t you? Since she was kicked off Dancing With The Stars weeks ago, that means that she’s officially worse at dancing than an 82-year-old woman, a forgotten singer with a dicky ticker and now a woman who literally needs to be sliced open, possibly because it hurts so much when she shits. Nice going, Kim!

Britney Spears was supposed to regain custody of her kids yesterday, but it seems that evil Kevin Federline managed to stay one step ahead of Britney by pulling cruel tricks like communicating with the children sometimes, the wily git.

The judge in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight has ruled not to allow Britney Spears custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James just yet. It's all thanks to a report by Britney's parenting coach, who worries that Britney Spears doesn't ever talk to, or play with, her young sons and lacks the routine that children crave. But rather than banning her from seeing the kids, the judge is allowing Britney Spears to see them twice a week until the next hearing. The rest of their time will be spent with Kevin Federline, who does have a strict routine with the children.

True, the routine mainly includes listening to Popozao, counting his divorce settlement cash and ordering his infant children to make him cups of tea, but it's still a routine.

Now that the Catholics are miffed at Britney Spears we're surprised she has time to worry about anything else, like the welfare of her children. But yesterday Britney Spears had to put aside worries that some old men were upset about her sitting on a pretend priest's lap because it was time for the latest instalment in her endless child custody case with Kevin Federline.

The child custody case hasn't been especially kind on Britney Spears so far – she's been accused of a) child abuse, b) drug addiction and c) being a bit of a lesbian on the sly – but it's seemed as though Britney Spears has been doing all she can to right this. After initially losing her kids Britney started to take things seriously, passing drug tests and getting to see her children and then getting to sleep with her children and taking parenting classes, so she must have been hoping that the judge at her twice-delayed custody hearing would hand the kids back over to her yesterday.

And he probably would have done, too, if it weren't for Britney Spears forgetting the smaller touches of parenting like talking to her children or playing with them or providing them with a stable environment, that sort of thing. MTV reports:

Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon reviewed a report by the court-appointed parenting coach, which was submitted on October 19 and did not give the singer good marks. While there was nothing she would characterize as "abusive in a traditional sense," parenting coach Lisa Hacker detailed in the report and in her testimony on Friday her concerns that Spears was neglectful of her two young sons. "It seems that her choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children … During all three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play," she wrote.

Another hearing date has been set for November 26, at which point Britney Spears' case will be reviewed all over again. But, until then, Britney Spears will have to make do with two concentrated bursts of custody per week. And that means that instead of just babbling and farting around her kids, Britney Spears will need to scream her invented language at them through a gigantic megaphone while farting pretty much non-stop until all the plants in her house die, just to give Sean Preston and Jayden James the same level of affection as they're used to.

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Britney Spears Won't Regain Custody Of Kids Yet, Judge Rules – MTV