What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it.

Or he didn’t inhale.

Alas, that hasn’t stopped him getting arrested in Texas this week after another canine with a nose for skunk uncovered a rake of marijuana on his tour bus. Seriously. We just assumed that he’s ALWAYS got a buncha hash about his person at all times. Why he’s not constantly being checked up on by the police is a mystery.

A law enforcement source told the ambulance chasing TMZ that Snoop’s tour bus was stopped at a border patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca. Another celebrity got checked for weed there too – say hi to Constantly Going On About Weed Willie Nelson. And yep, he got his collar felt by those same cops back in 2010.

Of course, the funny thing is, Snoop spoke up for Willie when he was arrested, saying:

“They better leave Willie the f**k alone.”

To add to that, they even cut a hilariously terrible song together. It’s called ‘My Medicine’ and we couldn’t begin to imagine what that might be a euphemism for.

Either way, the border patrol inspected the bus with their sniffer dog and BOOM, let us just check this waste bin here! Ah yes! Snoop Dogg In Drug Owning Shocker. Not too cleverly, Snoop… or at least, someone on his tour bus (him), tried to hide some joints in a red prescription bottle.

Of course, Snoop has a prescription for cannabis in California, but alas, that prescription cuts no ice in Texas. Oh. And they hate black people in Texas, so there’s that as well.

More news if we can be bothered to find it.

You’ll all be pleased to know that singer George Michael is making good progress as he recovers from a recent bout of pneumonia in Vienna.  That’s good isn’t it? He’ll be cocking around the Christmas Tree in his giant house just in time to watch the Queen’s speech, before driving off somewhere,  full of festive pot and making us all throw our paper hats into the fire in disgust.

The 48 year old singer fell ill in Austria last month and breathing difficulties meant he was stuck in intensive care, while you lot ate your selection boxes early and speculated about stuff that was none of your business.

Earlier in the week boyfriend Fadi Fawaz claimed the singer would be out of hospital by December 25th and suggested there was nothing to worry about.  So that’s settled then isn’t it?

BUT WAIT! It seems that although he’s doing well, he may not be allowed home for Christmas.

SAY IT ISN’T TRUE???

It is. His spoilsport physician and ruiner of Christmas Christoph Zielinski said:

“[It's] something we are not in the position to decide. That is something that must be decided in consultation with the patient.”

Meh.

George was forced to postpone the rest of his Symphonica world tour after being stuck in hospital, but the real tragedy of this whole sorry situation is that those idiots from The Only Way is Essex have decided to release a horrific version ‘Last Christmas’  knowing full well that George isn’t well enough to run them over and give us all the best Christmas present EVER.

We were going to post TOWIE’s video but after careful consideration we’ve decided not to as we’re not complete bastards. Instead you can watch some really brilliant dancers from the 80′s get on the good foot to  ’Last Christmas’ and wish him a speedy recovery.

Look. No jokes. We actually mean it.

George Michael must’ve been running around the heath without his vest on because he’s gone and got himself a nice dose of pneumonia, which means that Hev from Eastenders won’t be able to go to his gigs because he went and cancelled them.

Y’know, because of the pneumonia?

George was hospitalised on Monday in Austria, so this must be a pretty bad cold he’s got. We need to know exactly how bad it is though, for a myriad of reasons. We basically need to be told whether he’s about to die or not.

When celebrities get ill, we need to be told explicitly whether we’re allowed to laugh or not. With Georgie, we’re not in the picture at all.

The statement reads:

“With great regret, George Michael has been forced to postpone his November 26 and 27 shows in Cardiff, Wales, due to his on-going illness.

“Plans to reschedule these postponed tour dates will be provided when available.”

This is all well and vague, but what are we supposed to do with this information? Just report it flat, as it is? No. We need to know whether we’re allowed to mock and whoop because, effectively, he’s going to be fine… or, indeed, we need to know whether or not to start wringing our hands with faux-worry and start talking about how important he is in the world of pop, despite the fact we don’t actually like his records.

If someone tells us how serious his illness is, we can try and put some context on the activities of his past. For example, if he’s going to be fine, we can somehow make his pneumonia look like its a result of recklessness, like the time he crashed his car while stoned or got his lad out in a toilet before an undercover cop.

If he’s about to perish and join that choir invisible, then we need to not mention his past at all, apart from glowing reference about how many record sales he’s had and any potential charity work he’s done.

Basically, we need George Michael to either sort himself out or die. We don’t mind which because these are just hollow words whatever happens.

Tupac. What a terrible, terrible rapper. Of course, he had bags of charisma and could’ve been a great actor, but seriously, he didn’t release many great records.

However, he most certainly saw the benefit of being shot. After taking a bullet, he cemented himself in the ‘for real’ league and then, well, he became a legend when he got shot and released more records in death than he did when he was alive like a black Elvis.

However, there’s those that don’t believe he’s even dead. Well, ‘Pac’s chums – The Outlawz – would beg to differ. Why? Because they smoked his ashes.

This isn’t some rap euphemism you’ve missed a memo on. The Outlawz are actually saying that they got his ashes and rolled them into a joint and smoked them.

Oh, they just happen to be reuniting as well, which is a huge coincidence.

Basically, the idea came from one of 2Pac’s tracks and the daft sods that make up The Outlawz went and took him seriously.

And here they are, telling you all about it and the nice chicken wings they had.

If you don’t know who The Outlawz are, they appeared with 2Pac on one of the most vicious beef records ever made in Hit ‘Em Up. Listen. It’s got bad words in it, obviously.

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What does Snoop Dogg like? He likes weed. He likes expensive brandy. He likes his bitches in bikinis gyrating sexlessly by the pool. He likes all three at once while smirking at his cross-country runner torso and making up his own language… y’know, the same way lonely children do?

And with the rapper’s 40th birthday due (Yeah! 40! He seems much, much older doesn’t he?) imminent, we can all assume that he wants to combine his love of endo, hos and whatnot for the party to end all parties, right?

WRONG! MASSIVELY WRONG! HOW STUPID YOU ARE!

Fact is, D-t’tha-O-double-G wants a nice, quiet night in when he hits the big Four-Oh later this year and plans to spend it with his nana.

He says about his big day:

“More people worry about my birthday than I do”

“I’m more concerned about my grandmother’s birthday, my wife’s birthday. I’m more about giving.

“I’m not into doing things for myself because a lot of great things have already happened to me. To be alive and spend time with my grandma is enough.”

So instead of being surrounded by obese assistants (all rappers have at least one of those) and draping thousands of dollars worth of diamonds around his neck with a custom-made necklace shaped like a weed-leaf, he’ll be sitting before the telly (on full-blast, obviously), next to a two-bar heater drinking strong tea and listening to complaints about immigrants before indulging in a light game of Rummy, with matchsticks replacing money.

He might have a big glass of pop as well, if he behaves himself.

PS: Well done if you read the previous article and saw this piece coming.

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There are loads of differences between Snoop Dogg and hecklerspray. The most obvious is the jet set lifestyle, stupidly sized mansion and the ability to string words together to form coherent sentences.

The only thing we’ve achieved to date has been conquering our local takeaway’s challenge, “the kebab of doom” which is a meal comprised of the mangled carcasses of multiple animals, piled 5ft high in a pitta, with a secret Creme Egg centre. Finish it and you get a free can of pop.

We always thought that our food feat gave us one-over on Snoop Dogg, but not content with speaking like a child who has their own comedy language, the rapper has decided to venture in to the world of snacks, taking away our only glory. Given some of the lyrical content that Snoop raps about, tucking in to something tasty would probably be quite refreshing given the after effects of certain types of cigarettes.

Like everyone else, we’re dubious when people use their position to start going down other avenues they normally wouldn’t had access to. Look at Bono for example – not only is he filling the ears of people with liquid shite, but he also likes to tell us all about the plight of poor starving African children. All good and well on paper, but when you consider that Bono doesn’t pay tax on all his earnings, it seems slightly hypocritical.

But Snoop Dogg is different to Bono. He seems the sort of person that would introduce you to booze at twelve years old at a BBQ and accompany you to the newsagents so you can buy your first bongo mag. Therefore, we don’t mind him flooding the market with more products embossed with his name. Following a flop TV show and a couple of recent ropey albums, he can’t count on former glories forever. One of the new products he plans to launch is a range of hot dogs. Given the swagger and confidence of most rappers, we’re surprised he didn’t compare the meaty snack to his penis size:

“My Snoop Dogg hot dogs will be coming out soon. The foot-long Snoop Dogg hot dog, you hear me? The ice cream shit is going to happen as soon as possible. Snoop’s Scoops.”

In a world where babies are classed as obese as soon as they appear from the womb, Snoop Dogg has thought ahead to make sure he gets on the right side of the health fanatics. Again, we’re going to go in with stereotype and assuming that Snoop won’t be dishing out aerobic instructions in a pair of tight spandex pants [What a fantastic idea! - Ed.]. Instead, we fully imagine a bevy of ladies prancing around in a DVD that scrapes the boundaries of soft porn and novelty hip-hop video. Snoop added:

“Man, I know how to work that shit off. How? I’ve got a brand new exercise that I like to do. I’m going to put out this tape so you can all see it.”

We can imagine the badvertising for the food and DVD now

“Sucked down a load of Snoop Doggs big and long sausages? Burn it all off with a crunking hot work out that’ll make you make you yelp like a little bitch.”

Hopefully, he’ll put some booze in ‘em like when he made mashed-potato with Martha Stewart.

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Plan B may have “conquered soul music” (AAARRRRGH) and is now planning to conquer reggae with his new LP (AAAAARGH! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!), but he hasn’t always been the post-millennia answer to Brian Harvey.

No, once upon a time, he was scrotey drug dealer who thought it was okay to stab people.

Not our words folks, rather, Plan B, a man who has a career solely because Amy Winehouse failed to make a follow-up record to ‘Back To Black’.

Originally, Plan B was just another R’n'B singer, pulling off Lee Ryan warbles and passing himself off as a mini Wu affiliate. Which means that he dealt drugs a bit before his music career took off. This, naturally, means that he’s ‘keeping it real’. Not like those posh kids Adele and Jessie J who went to Brit School.

Talking to a newspaper you haven’t read, the crooner said that he dealt weed before he recorded his awful ‘Who Needs Actions When You Got Words’ album.

He also talked about stabbing people. Not actually stabbing people, just talking about stabbing people.

“I already knew I wanted to do music but I had this other side to me that said if anyone fucks with me it’s OK to go and stab them.

“I did something illegal because I was on the dole. I didn’t sell hard drugs. I just sold spliff and I feel the same way about that as I did then. I think a bit of weed is fine and it is no different to alcohol.”

Of course, we can attribute this ‘troubled’ view on the world down to the fact he came from a broken home, mainly because it slots neatly into everyone’s preconceived notions of those who grew up in a ‘broken home’ and create hip-hop.

Talking about his dad who walked out on him (presumably after hearing the youngster singing), he said:

“He denies everything – all our memories of him, anything negative. He said it’s just distorted versions of the truth my mother implanted in my head.

“I’m a grown man and the guy was coming to my house talking to me like I was six years old, telling me not to swear. I’m like, ‘You’re lucky I didn’t smash your fucking face in’.

“He wasn’t in my life and it was his decision. Now he’s not in my life and it’s my decision. Finally, I got what I wanted – closure.”

And we’ll be getting closure on Plan in the year 2012, when we see his reggae album in the bargain bin at the local record shop.

(That ‘She Said’ was kinda catchy though wasn’t it?)

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What do you know about Willie Nelson? Chances are, only two things. The first is that he’s a singer and the second is that he smokes more weed than all the audience members of a Cypress Hill tour, combined.

So, if you can’t arrest Willie for his music, you can arrest him for being responsible for those great plumes of smoke that exit his lungs every two seconds that stink like a makeshift bong.

And that’s exactly what’s happened as Nelson was busted over the weekend in Texas for possession of six ounces of marijuana. He could get 6 months minimum and 2 years max in prison. As it is Texas, they’ll probably weigh up giving him the chair.

Nelson’s tour bus pulled into a routine checkpoint in Sierra Blanca, Texas and, of course, having a fully functioning nose, an officer noted a rather familiar herby smell. It wasn’t ever going to be the waft of thyme was it? Nope, following his nostrils, the found the marijuana and Nelson held up his hands and said it was his.

Hudspeth County Sheriff Arvin West said:

“It’s kind of surprising, but I mean we treat him like anybody else.

Surprising? Really?

“He could get 180 days in county jail, which if he does, I’m going to make him cook and clean. He can wear the stripy uniforms just like the other ones do.”

Sadly for Nelson, even though he might only get 6 months in the clink, when you’re stoned, hours turn into days so it could well feel like an entire lifetime passes while he cracks stones in the sun.

Of course, this isn’t the first time Willie has had his collar felt by the law about his penchant for weed. In 2006, he got nicked with an impressive 1.5 pounds of marijuana and three ounces of hallucinogenic mushrooms on his bus.

In ’95 Nelson was also arrested in Waco after police officers found half a joint in the ashtray of his car. The Waco police were probably quite lenient on ol’ Willie as they were probably playing nice after that whole Waco siege business that went down a couple of years earlier.

Anyway, Nelson is going to try and get off with this by pleading that he forgot his California-grown pot (lets not forget that California is okay with medical marijuana) was on-board. Typical stoner eh?

Of course, Nelson once said:

“Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?”

Let’s hope no-one tries that about mass-murderers, eh? ‘God put ‘em on Earth… so…’. What do you mean that the two aren’t comparable?

Shut up. We’re taking the piss out of a stinking hippie here! Cut us some slack!

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Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t a very good actor and a worse politician. However, all you stoners who have chuckled your way through various lines from Predator or Conan The Barbarian can now breathe a little easier.

If you’re lungs aren’t shot from hammering bongs every night this month.

Basically, Arnie has claimed that no one cares if people smoke marijuana in an interview on a popular US chat show. He said that in an interview, rather than said that no-one cared if you were in the very specific situation of being stoned during a chat-show.

Anyway, one of the biggest names in Hollywood -20 letters* – who became Governor of California in 2003, signed a law five weeks ago which enabled those people in possession of up to an ounce of marijuana to escape with a $100 (£62) fine and not be arrested or receive a criminal record.

That’s nice isn’t it? Provided you’re not driving a combine harvester down a freeway or something.

He defended the law in a TV interview, telling host Jay Leno on the Tonight Show that it was a good idea.

According to a transcript of the interview, Schwarzenegger said:

“No one cares if you smoke a joint or not.”

Or gobble down handfuls of banned steroids just before a weightlifting competition, presumably.

Anyway, if you don’t know, on election day, voters rejected a further motion that would have allowed adults aged 21 and older to possess and grow small amounts of marijuana.

So there you have it. If your parents catch you with a great stinkin’ joint dangling from your lips, just point them in the direction of Arnold Schwarzenegger, because he says it’s cool to do drugs. Just don’t get wrecked and then try watching Total Recall because it will make a complete and utter mess of your brain.

Especially the three-tits bit.

* Joke c/o some comedian whose name escapes us presently.

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The early to mid-90s were an excellent time for that whole ‘rap’ thing.

Yes there was still the glamourising of violence, the drugs, the objectification of women and the explicit language – but at least it didn’t involve 50 Cent or P Diddy, or whatever in God’s name he’s called now.

It was a safer time when white kids in the suburbs could dream of their gangsta heritage without fearing for how much ‘bling’ they were wearing, a time when people could look forward to a Tupac release that wasn’t posthumous and one when Mr Warren G had released ‘Regulate‘.

You know the song. Everyone does. It was on the soundtrack to ‘Above the Rim‘, which wasn’t as good as ‘White Men Can’t Jump‘. It had Bernie Mac in it, so it really was never going to compete with the might of Wesley and Woody.

The content was, as any family-friendly rap track is sure to be, a bit on the risque side and involved Warren and Nate Dogg killing people and cruising for skirt – a fine influence on any youngster I’m sure. But it did contain samples from Young Guns, thus making ‘Regulate‘ one that appeals to everyone in the world.

So it came as no surprise to find that Warren – real name Warren Griffin III (not-so-different-to-actual-name shocker!) – was picked up by police on Sunday and bundled away to the slammer.

For what though, you may ask? Were the G-Man and his old chum Nate up to their old tricks, regulating the streets on their way to the East Side Motel? How many bodies had piled up by the end of the rampage? Did he have a crack factory blown up in a daring police raid?

Or was it that Warren had a bit of pot in his car?

Yes. Yes it was. G’s level of criminality knows no bounds, that’s for sure.

The master of G-Funk was soon released on bail (after forking out $20,000, no less), and though the feds were doing their damndest to prosecute the 35-year-old, it was soon reported that they would no longer be pursuing charges against the artist.

Clearly leaving Griffin open to pursue more incredible criminal feats, like jaywalking, or recording NFL without the prior consent of the broadcasters.

Keep it up Warren – show those pretenders to the gangsta throne how it’s done!

Sometimes adverts just totally miss the point.

Take this little doozy for example: a woefully misguided anti-drugs PSA in which a talking dog decides to harrass a teenage girl about her drug use.

So – what has she been doing? Snorting three lines of coke over breakfast every morning? Jacking up a speedball during SAT revision? Rubbing blotter paper soaked in acid against her cherubic face? No. She’s … well … been smoking the odd joint. Seriously. Smoking weed. That’s it.

All of which is very ironic, because if the events in this commercial happened to us, we’d either:

a) Scream ‘Jesus Christ, a talking dog’, and immediately run to the nearest heroin dealer in order to get so dosed up we forgot this nightmare/

b) Give him a slap and shout ‘shut the fuck up, you furry little bastard! Might I remind you whose house this is? I’ll lie on the sofa all day smoking bongs if I want to, thank you very much, you condescending shitwad. Any more of this nonsense and you might find your next bowl of Winalot laced with arsenic. Clear?’

Anyway. See what you think.

An image of Tom Cruise laughing like a maniac is being used to sell a brand of hallucinogenic marijuana in Californian cannabis clubs. It has even been named in his honour.

Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?

According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one 'weed devotee' told them:

"I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

Rumour has it there’s also a strain available called ‘Justin Timberlake Blue’, which makes you feel as if you are the sexiest, most talented person in the room, even if all else (i.e. face) suggests otherwise – this side of the shore it is known as ‘Jonny Borrell Blue’.

Then we have the Robbie Williams strain, which promises the greatest high of your life on the packaging, but in reality it leaves you with nothing more than the empty feeling you have given two hours of your life for absolutely nothing in return.

‘The Britney Spears Pink’ however, is a fucking mental high.

The column quotes one Cruise friend as finding the whole thing "outrageous”.

If by any chance you have been living with your head up your own or someone else’s asshole for the past few years, then you may be surprised to learn that Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, and quite a prominent one at that. And Scientologists are famed for opposing any kind of use of psychotropic drugs, as well as suing the knickers off any one who so much as farts in their general direction.

If you live in California and want to have one last laugh with Tom Cruise, then hurry up and buy, because it’s the best chance you’re ever gonna get to laugh ‘with’ him again.

Read More -  Medical high jinks leave Tom Cruise camp fuming – NY Daily News