Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A Bieber who got married! That’s right, bitches! I may have been slack on my blogging these past few months, but the HecklerSpray countdown to Christmas advent is BACK! And we are ringing it in by celebrating some of the quickie engagements this year that turned into quickie marriages.
While Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson might not have made it down the aisle, Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas did! In fact, Nick Jonas got married TODAY!
Shia LaBeouf has been living his life like he’s Joaquin Phoenix in 2009 a.k.a. a weird, artistic, drunken mess who might be really talented or might be a mega cunt, who knows?! Aside from pulling off a ton of weird art projects and hosting some random film marathons of his own movies, Shia also found time these past couple of years to get engaged to the eyebrowless wonder that is Mia Goth.
Well, these two high art lovers took time out of their busy schedules making Lars Von Trier classy porn to actually get married this week. And, like the great lover of art that Shia is, they decided to get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator and livestream the whole thing on TMZ.
After dating for 10 minutes and being engaged for like?5, Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden on January 5th in a star-studded ceremony held in her backyard, because all famous bitches get married at star-studded ceremonies in their backyard. It’s why I don’t believe any of these?people actually want “privacy”, because as soon as a white tent goes up in a celebrity’s backyard in LA the paparazzi KNOW a wedding is happening. Backyard weddings are the opposite of low-key and subtle in Hollywood, but I digress.
Cameron married the less significant Madden brother (a man who formerly used to grind on Paris Hilton WILLINGLY) surrounded by pals like her scissor sister, Drew Barrymore, and now sister-in-law, Nicole Richie. Party animal and forever cunt, Gwyneth Paltrow, was also in attendance so you KNOW shit got wild, because that bitch parties with Beyonc? and Jay Z.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure a wedding day would ever come for Jessica Simpson with her baby daddy/fianc? Eric Johnson.? In case buying her own engagement ring wasn’t enough of a rocky start, they’ve thrown in having a couple of babies (adorable babies, mind you), and have let a few years go by with no movement forward.
But gold digging wannabe men everywhere, don’t lose hope!? The day finally arrived, Eric Johnson has secured himself a lifetime of spousal support, and Jessica can go back to pretending she didn’t peak during his marriage to Nick Lachey.
Grab your cousin-wife and fry up some squirrel because June ‘Mama’ Shannon and Mike ‘Sugar Bear’ Thompson – ?rural Georgia’s answer to Brangelina -?got hitched this weekend in all their camouflaged glory.?
It’s every bit as white trash as you’re imagining it. The ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ power couple met in an internet chat room?nine years ago (imagine that episode of Catfish) and have reportedly decided to make it official because “it was important for [their daughters] to see this moment and celebrate [Mama June’s] love for Sugar Bear.” And that celebration looked a little something like this…
Oh no! Britney Spears’ latest wedding is off! Yes, she was getting married again. We dunno, some bloke called?Jason Trawick. Yes, we know she’s been married a million times and still seems mental. STOP ASKING US QUESTIONS WITH YOUR MIND.
Anyway, this latest marriage. It has been?put on indefinite hold, which is really sad for Britters ain’t it?
Like hell it is! Apparently, she’s clicking her heels with glee about it all because she didn’t want to get married in the first place. Not that mental after all, eh?
Think about Drew Barrymore. What do you see in your mind’s eye? Is it a precocious child actor with a slight lisp? Is it grunge-approved 90s Drew with her Doc Martens and sociable boobs? Is it elder-stateswoman of Hollywood with a penchant for bad romcoms?
Doesn’t matter what you think because all that is about to be swept under the rug under the pretense of I’m A Woman And The Role I Was Born To Do Was Motherhood.
That’s right! Apparently, Drew has a baby growing inside her which means that all her achievements and goals will now be flung under the nearest bus in favour of flooding her Facebook wall with pictures of a crapping infant, like it’s the first bald dung-machine that has ever existed!
Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.
That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.
And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.
Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.
And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.
How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.
It’s been such a difficult few weeks for poor Kim Kardashian. First her loving marriage breaks down in a record 72 days and had to deal with everyone and their petit chien saying that the marriage was a sham. Then her clothing line gets slated by lamb loving, angry at seal clubbing, children’s rights groups because they are supposed to be made in Chinese sweat shops.
And now it seems that Kimmy Kardash has been fiddling with someone else’s willy and balls while she was seeing Reggie Bush. It isn’t just any old two bit estate agent (or “realtor” as those crazy Yanks call them) though. Oh no, it’s douche-cock extraordinaire Kanye West isn’t it?
Get those smelling salts out.
