They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

Sixty-nine thosand pounds! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue?” Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time-keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

For that same amount of money K-Fed could listen to the talking clock for about 200 years. Honestly, there was us saying last week that she’s back on track, and then she goes and pulls off the most mental move of her life.

Britney has been throwing away the cash recently. Earlier this week she donated £12,500 to the ‘Idol gives back’ charity, because – as a source told CMR: “she watched the show and cried for like two hours over the children in Africa with malaria”. Meaning the idea of K-Fed being unaware of the time is over five times as traumatic as African kids dying of malaria. Sort of.

And all this at a time when she can only get access to her millions by convincing her daddy, who’s in control of financial affairs, that it’s a sensible purchase. A source close to James, Britney’s father, said yesterday:

“He personally approved the mini-vacation and birthday present purchases. There is nothing more he and Brit’s mother, Lynne, would love than for her and Kevin to get back together. Kevin’s whole attitude to his ex-wife has changed. He can see she is responding to treatment for her bipolar disorder, staying sober and trying to rebuild her life and career. Though she is becoming again the woman he fell in love with, they both know rushing into remarriage too soon could be dangerous. So they’re taking baby steps and it seems to be working. Kevin believes she’s almost ready to be a full-time mom again. They are both anxious to put all that behind them and start afresh. They deserve to find happiness and they feel their happiness, as well as that of their children, hinges on them being a family – a proper one this time round.”

Good luck to them. And Britney, if you’re reading this and wondering what to ask your pop to let you spend your money on next, hecklerspray has it’s very own malaria-ridden African child who has been told by the doctor he has just three hours to live.

Trouble is he hasn’t got a watch to count away the seconds. That’s got to be worth at least 150,000 Britney pounds. Make the cheque payable to Paul Sorrenti (his legal guardian) and, please, hurry up.

Read More – Britney And Kevin Back Together? – OK! Magazine