Have you heard? NO ONE READS THE NEWS ANYMORE! IT’S ALL TWITTER’S STUPID FAULT! Yep, the Internet makes news less interesting to young people and something something… oh look someone’s put a picture of me on Facebook, face down in my own puke while wearing nothing but the fingerless glove inserted into my hole. PMSLMAO!

Young people are toweringly stupid and have the attention span of a mop bucket. They’ve probably not even got this far into the article, skim-reading their way to the end to see if there are any links.

And this is where Channel 4′s THIS JUST IN comes in.

Channel 4 has created This Just In which is a new ‘pop up’ site that saves users from having to piss about reading the news. Basically, the day’s best stories are broken down into straight-to-the-point titbits that readers can get to grips with instantly.

To see for yourself check out www.channel4.com/thisjustin in between moaning about some political cause you barely care about on Twitter or tinkering with your imaginary farm on Facebook.

A Senior Researcher commented:

“The young people of today simply cannot concentrate on text longer than 140 characters before their attention tails off. We have dubbed this the ‘Twit(ter) Tedium Syndrome.”

“The syndrome is not just affecting the uneducated. While 81 percent of university educated users now get their news online, only 59 percent of people with lesser levels of education are suffering from the same short attention spans. This is thought to be because thick people only look at the pictures anyway.”

So, the This Just In online comedy service from Channel 4, produced by Zeppotron (Charlie Brooker’s company), mixes up-to-the-second jokes and videos and features the best emerging and established UK comedy talent.

Around for just 12 weeks from September catch it while you can. Here’s a bunch of links and a video you’ll invariably sneer at and treat with absolute contempt.

www.channel4.com/ThisJustIn
www.twitter.com/C4ThisJustIn
www.facebook.com/C4ThisJustIn

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Here’s something we weren’t really expecting – hecklerspray’s just won the runner-up prize in the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards.

Set up to recognise websites that are ‘truly taking Britain into the world of Web 2.0′, the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards have decided that we’re the second-best entertainment website in the country. Which we’re perfectly OK with, since the only thing that beat us was the gigantic, wonderful BBC iPlayer. And coming second only to nationally-broadcast television programmes suits us just fine.

So that’s best British blog in 2007, the 45th most powerful blog in the world in 2008 and second-best entertainment website in the UK (or first best entertainment website that isn’t directly funded by the public, as we prefer to think of it) in 2009. What’ll we get in 2010? Some food, hopefully. We’re so very hungry.

Also, £10 says that no New Kids On The Block fans were on the judging panel.

Bruce Springsteen really loves Halloween – he loves it more than songs with the word ‘born’ in the title and he loves it more than muttering about AIDS.

In fact, Bruce Springsteen loves Halloween so much that he’s decided to dress up as the devil and release a brand new vaguely spooky song entitled A Night With The Jersey Devil on his website for free, just because today happens to be Halloween.

It’s a clever move. And it’s prompted other old rockers to follow – next week Rod Stewart will release a song called Bonfire Night (Of My Heart) on his website, followed by Huey Lewis posting a song called I Give Thanks To You, Baby on November 27 and then Elton John releasing Woo, It’s The International Year Of Astronomy! on January 15, just because he couldn’t wait an extra month and do one for Valentine’s Day, the impatient sod.

When Bruce Springsteen likes something, he has to go out of his way to display that love to everyone. For instance, Bruce can’t just be quietly fond of, say, the notion of shagging an old whore up the bum – he has to actually go and write a song about it. There are probably other examples of this, but the whore-bumming is the only one that springs to mind at the moment.

Oh, Halloween, too. Bumming whores and Halloween, they’re the two things that Bruce Springsteen likes enough to write songs about. But only those two things.

We don’t know why Bruce Springsteen likes Halloween so much. It’s probably because both ‘Springsteen’ and ‘Halloween’ end with ‘een’. That also explains Bruce’s other main loves – queens, spleens, teens, screens  and Charlie Sheens.

Anyway, in the Webthump earlier today, we mentioned that Bruce Springsteen wasn’t doing a big Halloween display at his house this year because of fears of overcrowding. That news was probably incredibly disappointing for anyone who a) lives quite close to Bruce Springsteen’s house, b) likes Halloween and c) thinks that standing outside the house of someone richer than them and gawping at plastic cauldrons is an acceptable way to spend an evening.

But Bruce Springsteen doesn’t want to disappoint anyone – not even if they’re as essentially worthless at the people who go and look at all the decorations on his house – and so he’s come up with a clever backup plan. Bruce Springsteen has recorded a special new Halloween song and put it up on his website for free. MTV reports:

It being Halloween and all, the Boss is … offering a new song and video called “A Night With the Jersey Devil.” On his Web site he writes, “Dear Friends and Fans, If you grew up in central or south Jersey, you grew up with the ‘Jersey Devil.’ Here’s a little musical Halloween treat. Have fun! Bruce Springsteen”.

Yeah, nice try Bruce Springsteen, but we can see right through your little plan. ‘A little musical Halloween treat’ indeed. It’s just an excuse not to give children any trick or treat candy isn’t it, you massive tightwad. Well, it’s not going to work, because we can guarantee this exact scenario will be played out at least 50 times tonight:

Kids: “Trick or treat!”

Bruce Springsteen: “What? No. Didn’t you see my website today? My treat to you is the song A Night With The Jersey Devil, which I recorded as a little musical treat.”

Kids: “Yeah, we saw that. To be honest, we thought it was a lazy and somewhat derivative blues standard that you clearly hadn’t put much thought into, accompanied by a video that does little more than reference the fact that you’ve seen the promo to Hurt by Johnny Cash at least once. With that in mind, Mr Springsteen, we’d probably prefer some Haribo.”

Bruce Springsteen: “But… but… the song. I don’t have any Haribo.”

Kids: “It’s a trick, then. Egg him, boys.”

Watch A Night With The Jersey Devil by Bruce Springsteen now.

As we all know, Ringo Starr has too much to do these days to justify pointless crap like being nice to his own fans.

However, some crazy old idiots got upset at Ringo Starr’s recent request for his fans to stop sending him stuff, so he’s decided to clarify his confusing little outburst. You see, Ringo Starr only wants you to stop sending him stuff because it hurts the environment and objects he signs only end up being hawked on eBay anyway.

Ringo’s quick decision to clear up the mess he made should be applauded – now we know that he doesn’t hate his fans, just the fans who like buying his autographs on the internet. And now we can also be sure that it really was Ringo Starr in that video earlier this week, rather than the melted underpowered robot of a kestrel in sunglasses that we assumed we were watching.

Ringo Starr might just be having the worst year of his life. Firstly Ringo Starr released a song to commemorate Liverpool’s status as the European city of culture, but the problems with it were twofold – firstly the song actually sounded like it was slagging Liverpool off a bit, and secondly he sung it in the style of a sad wounded ox.

To make matters worse, Ringo Starr then decided to promote the song by storming off an American TV show, telling Jonathan Ross that he didn’t really like Liverpool anyway and just generally infuriating people enough to behead topiary representations of him.

But Ringo’s worst moment came this week when, for reasons that we don’t even think he knows himself, he decided to post a video on his website asking fans to stop sending him fanmail all the bloody time.

At the time, Ringo’s justification for this was that he had “too much to do” to reply to fanmail. Oh really Ringo? You’re a 68-year-old millionaire who hits things for a living. What could you possibly have to do, apart from wait for the nice Meals On Wheels lady to bring you some more toad in the hole? You’re not trying to write the long-awaited follow-up to Octopus’s Garden, are you? Are you? Because, if you are, you really don’t need to. Really.

However, possibly because he was spooked by the hip young whippersnapper giving him hell on Sky News on Tuesday night, Ringo Starr has decided to hone his argument a little bit more. Rolling Stone reports:

The ban on fan mail was “in direct response to an inordinate amount of items which have recently appeared for sale on e-bay, and to those that repeatedly send cards and items to be signed.” Starr also felt all the mail was “a waste of paper and we all should be mindful of our carbon footprint… Please read this in a mellow way. Peace and love, Ringo.”

Thank goodness Ringo Starr reminded us to read the statement in a mellow way. Up until that point we were shouting it furiously in a dense Hungarian accent, so it hardly made any sense to us.

Anyway, let’s hope that this new statement clears up all the misconceptions about Ringo Starr’s original video. We’re sure that it hasn’t affected his real fans’ opinions of him at all, because we get the feeling that Ringo Starr’s fans are either dead or too stupid to work out that computers aren’t just sealed-shut microwaves.

And we say that with peace and love, which we think means you’re not allowed to get shitty about it.

All break-ups must be difficult, but it probably stings a bit more if your ugly, almost-pensionable husband leaves you for a funny-looking Swiss lady.

Which is why Shania Twain is hurting so bad at the moment, because her 14-year marriage to Mutt Lange ended when he apparently started having it off with a woman who, to all intents and purposes, looks like a fire-damaged Sandra Bernhard bobblehead doll.

But if anyone can keep Shania Twain’s spirits up it’s her fans, all of whom Shania has sincerely thanked from the bottom of her heart in a message on her website. Don’t get too excited, though, because Shania Twain makes it perfectly that her heart has been broken into tiny pieces. So she’s thanking you from the bottom of something that doesn’t even work properly. What a massive bitch.

Regular readers of hecklerspray will know that sympathy isn’t exactly our strong point, but gosh darn it if we aren’t feeling a crumb of sympathy for Shania Twain at the moment. Or is it wind? Wait… OK, false alarm, it was wind. Panic over.

But it’s not hard to feel a teensy bit sorry for Shania Twain. The poor woman’s spent 14 years putting up with people pulling her to one side and saying “Is that your husband? The really old, weird-looking unkempt tramp over there whose name means ‘inferior dog’? Is he holding you hostage? Would you like me to contact the authorities?” and now the bastard’s dumped her.

Not just that, but it looks very much like Mutt Lange left Shania Twain for their house manager, a woman named Marie-Anne Thiébaud who looks a bit like a tubby Terrahawk. And for the woman who once performed a song called That Don’t Impress Me Much – full title That Don’t Impress Me Much For I Am Married To Mutt Lange, A Virile Lion Of A Man Who, Admittedly, Does Look A Bit Funny – that can only equal heartache.

How much heartache? Well, luckily for us Shania Twain has described exactly how much her life is crumbling around her in harrowing detail via a message on her website. Which is nice, because if there’s one thing we hate it’s nonspecific celebrity misery. Here’s what Shania had to say:

As I am sure you have seen or heard; I am going through a rough time personally in my life. I wanted you all to know that I could not be getting through this without you. Your letters, emails and words of encouragement give me strength. Your overwhelming support reminds me to smile, no matter how deep the pain and to always be grateful for all the beautiful blessings in my life. I have so much to say but I know the best way for me to speak is through my music. This is my therapy, my passion, and my love.  I look forward to sharing it with all of you as I begin this new journey. I need some time to heal this broken heart but make no mistake; I will be back and hopefully stronger than ever. Thank you my friends, from the bottom of my heart.

Hey Shania, here’s a hint – referring to a bunch of people you’ve never met as your ‘friends’ is weird and creepy and stinks of desperation. What next, Shania, are you going to make them all your Facebook friends as well? Are you going to let them poke you? Everyone knows that having strangers as Facebook friends is the last resort for the terminally lonely. OK, bad example.

Anyway, if the whole ‘probably cheating on Shania Twain with a much uglier woman’ thing hasn’t put you off Mutt Lange for good, then have another read of Shania’s message. That’s right – she’s getting back into music because of his deception. Oh you’ll pay for this Lange. You’ll pay good.

Some of you may have laughed off the imminent New Kids On The Block reunion as a casual threat invented by someone who clearly hates mankind.

But that's where you'd be wrong. The New Kids on The Block reunion is happening. The group couldn't be more serious about it happening. They're so serious that there's a brand new song on the New Kids On The Block website.

And you know what? The new New Kids On The Block song is actually really goo… no, we're just kidding. It's crap.

If any of you see Take That out and about on the street, be sure to poke them in the eye quite hard, won't you. Because ever since Take That reformed to vague success, every bugger's been at it, from the Spice Girls to Indiana Jones to Rambo.

And now New Kids On The Block have reformed as well, all the different reunions have been mashed together in our minds to the point where we have a recurring dream about New Kids On The Block wandering through the Burmese jungle and having their throats torn out by Rambo.

It's not a bad dream, just a recurring one.

Anyway, ever since the various members of New Kids On The Block - Mark Wahlberg's Brother, Jordan Whatshisname, Joey Thing and The Other Two – announced their reunion, it's been impossible to take it seriously, not least because we clearly remember a shambolic, drunk-looking New Kids On The Block in their last throes of fame on Live & Kicking in 1994.

But despite that – and despite a confusing denial of the reunion on New Kid Danny Wood's MySpace page – a brand-new New Kids On The Block song has appeared on the band's website. According to People:

The song (its name isn't revealed) plays over a promotional video for the band that says the Kids once had it all – a $1 billion in album sales, millions of fans, with music that "influenced a generation" – but then "walked away from it all." The video next teases the comeback, asking: "Are you ready?" 

Again, no. We're not ready. We'll have sandpapered off our skin and thrown ourselves into an acid bath before we're ready to watch a gang of men on the cusp of turning 40 dancing around in oversized dungarees singing cack-handed Paula Abdul rip-offs.

But anyway, the new New Kids On The Block song. Word is that all five bandmembers (Newies? Kiddies? Blockies? It's been so long) recorded the song in Florida in November.

We could go on and on about how the untitled New Kids On The Block song sounds like what Simon Cowell would force the winner of X Factor to sing if he wanted to write X Factor off as a bloody great tax loss, but we won't. And that's because you can hear the new New Kids On The Block song by clicking the link below.

Read more:

Exclusive Video - New Kids On The Block 

You know the score by now – hecklerspray presents a brief poetry-based diversion to brighten up your cripplingly dull Monday. Apart, of course, from those of you who now take this contest so seriously we're genuinely getting a little bit frightened.

This week we're asking you to scribble out lyrical odes to smilin' Thom Yorke and his pals in Radiohead. But – before we get onto that – let's take a look at last week's winner, shall we?

Last time around, we asked you to write haikus on the following topical celebrity story: that neurotic film-maker Woody Allen had been arguing so much with Spanish locals that he quit shooting his latest movie there. The winner was someone called sparkymike, whose effort ran thus:

Spain is reluctant
To forward its tax money
To wife adopters

Well done, sir.

Hold on – where are you going? There's plenty more fun to be had. Just because Mike was crowned the victor of last week's tussle, that doesn't mean you can't strive to be a champion right here and now. All you've got to do is come up with the best haiku on this tasty morsel:

Following the huge success of their 'In Rainbows' digital download, Radiohead are now closing the site in preparation for the CD/vinyl release.

Just remember the golden rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. So an example – based on this week's story – would run like this:

Thom and the band

decide to stop giving out

music for 'nothing'

Think you can do better? We'd be frankly astonished if you couldn't. Entries in the comments box below, please… 

Read More:

Radiohead To Close Website Downloads – Musicrooms