There’s nothing better than a nice antique leather chair to help you relax after a long day at work.

Well, this theory may be put to the test with the announcement that Nancy Dell’Olio is to pose naked in an upcoming edition of everybody’s favourite spunk-rag, Playboy.

The Strictly Come Dancing star is apparently really eager to show everyone just what Iggy Pop’s chuff would look like if he were a woman.

A source close to Dell’Olio says that, “She’s willing to show top and bottom in a tasteful way.” Which is kind of horrifying when you think about it, unless you’re into that sort of thing. We’re looking at you Wayne Rooney. Don’t pretend you haven’t wanted this ever since Sven introduced you to his 156-year old wife for the first time.

The deal is worth a reported £250,000 and hinges upon whether Hef can come up with a suitably ‘exotic’ location in which to reveal what once lurked under Nancy’s leotard.

So, when your next jazz mag drops through the door in that discrete brown envelope, just be aware that when you open it up you may find the lovely Nancy Dell’Olio, spread-eagle on a beach somewhere, sipping on champagne and winking at you despite her eyes being covered by some obscenely large sunglasses.

For those of you that can’t quite picture that, here’s a top hecklerspray tip, shave your scrotum, liberally apply some fake tan (and when we say liberally, we’re talking at least 2 bottles), then shove a mirror between your legs and stare at it until you’ve stopped throwing up.

Thanks Nancy, you’ve managed to ruin both leather chairs and our own scrotums for us in just under 300 words.

The papers spent another week, making in-depth relationship analysis about Wayne and Coleen Rooney based entirely on photographs of them sitting in or near water.

The Mirror started it off on Monday with a picture of them in the pool in Dubai with the headline ‘Not a Care in Wayne’s World’. We’re not suggesting Wayne’s head is swimming with philosophical thought but when a man is trying to save his marriage from collapse after being exposed for having an affair with a prostitute, it’s probably fair to say that he has quite a lot on his mind regardless of his location at the time.

The Star were so desperate for a Wayne angle to keep him on the cover they claimed that Wayne had spent £10,000 on breast enlargement for Coleen. They based this conclusion on two watertight pieces of evidence; firstly by comparing two bikini shots, and then having a quote made up in the pub, but contributed to ‘fans’, that “Wayne must have bought her the £10,000 twin strikers to say sorry for being a love cheat”.

Considering the Rooneys have been followed by the press with an enthusiasm which would a stalker might dismiss as being “a bit too hands-on”, it’s not made clear which three-minute window Coleen used to go through this surgical procedure.

On Friday, The Sun showed more pictures of them ‘petting’ (which is of course the official term when canoodling is done in a swimming pool) with the caption “pool cuddle could get the pair nicked in Dubai”, In terms of stirring up a response from Emirates police this is only one down from the reporter doing chicken impressions outside the embassy.

In between the statistics-based stories about immigrant firemen, and human-drama stories about cowardly firemen coinciding mysteriously with announcement of fire service union strikes, the Daily Mail still managed to find time to take their normal calm and measured views on a variety of subjects. They lined up their crucifix-shaped crosshairs on the cervical cancer vaccine first of all. Now there is a very good case for stating the test is a waste of public money since there are (relatively) few cases of the condition that it actually prevents, but efficiency and cost-effectiveness are not subjects that make you despair for the morality of modern Britain. Luckily they found an angle for misogyny, the state of the country’s youth and nostalgia for a time that exists only in peoples’ minds.

According to Norman Wells of the pressure group ‘Family and Youth Concern’, young ladies are having the jab and then immediately forming a queue for cock.

“There is already evidence that the vaccine is giving some girls a false sense of security and leading them to think that they are protected from the worst effects of sexual promiscuity”

And so Mr Wells bleated on to a chorus of knowing exasperated nods from the Mail’s readership.

Now, leaving aside the question of which effects of sexual promiscuity are actually worse than death from cancer, what we want to know is how this evidence he mentions was gathered? What is the negative unit for a sense of security? We’re curious. No, our mistake, we’re not curious- we’re sarcastically mocking everything Mr Wells says, does and stands for. We might agree that the vaccine shouldn’t have been rolled out, but it’s only a small step from Family Concern’s reasoning on the matter to the Pope’s position on condoms.

Which brings us neatly to the Mail’s coverage of Durex funding a sex education survey of teachers. ‘Family Campaigners’ claimed it was “an error of judgement”. Russell Dobby, General Secretary of the National Union of Head Teachers issued a decent defence of the survey- “the sponsor had no role in the design of the survey or, of course the views expressed by the people who responded. Sponsorship merely enabled the research to take place”.

In doing so Mr Dobby rather kindly explained how the survey, and for that matter medical research, is funded. Who were these family campaigners you may ask? That will be Norman Wells of ‘Family and Youth Concern’ then. Wells was on-hand with his magical prism that takes complicated issues requiring pragmatic solutions and turns them into moral outrages requiring ignorant condemnation. “You hardly need clearer proof of the fact that sex education is being seen as a way of widening the market for contraceptive companies.” Obviously. An inescapable conclusion.

We’re running out of space so we’ll quickly sum up some of other bullshit from last week-

‘Huntley’s Secret Girlfriend’ (The Sun, Friday). Not technically a secret if the girlfriend in question has told the bestselling newspaper in the country..

‘Pubs Banned from Deprived Areas’ (The Sun, Friday). Actually decisions on whether to grant licences will be based on how many pubs there already are and how prevalent alcohol abuse is in any given area.

‘Don’t Blame Lefties, it’s in their Genes’ (The Express, Friday). Research says there’s a gene that can make you more open-minded, which may in term make you susceptible to liberal ideas. This was genuine research but the article could just as easily been headlined ‘Lack of Open-Minded Gene Turns You into Right-Wing Idiot Who Doesn’t Question Anything you’re Told’

‘Apple Bobbing has fallen foul of the health and safety Police’ (Mail, Friday). Actually a hospital eye consultant who has no involvement with H & S legislation warned that hospitals receive patients suffering from scratched corneas at this time of year. Overzealous perhaps. An indictment of what is wrong with the world and evidence of the nanny state probably not.

Understatement of The Week- “she was very calm, she knew it was a serious situation”- the stables manager on his employee who survived impaling her neck on a metal spike.

Best Economic Analysis by a Lady with Her Norks Out- “Credit Conditions are tight and small firms cannot contribute to economic recovery if access to finance is not improved. As Benjamin Disraeli said, ‘there can be economy only where there is efficiency” – Katie, 25, from Liverpool (Page 3, The Sun, Monday.)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

The Daily Mail was enjoying its moment in the sun this week as the originators of a genuine ‘internet phenomenon’- the cigar guy snapped at the Ryder Cup by one of their own photographers. Yep, it took a week off from articles about suicide websites, and middle class houses being destroyed by Facebook-alerted gatecrashers, to decide this technology thing might be a bloody good wheeze after all.

What isn’t fun at all though are drugs. Especially when taken by successful hard-working people.

After Nigel Kennedy’s recent admittance to smoking marijuana the Mail’s comment section, whilst discussing children selling drugs at school, put the blame on celebrities such as “classical music’s self-styled bad-boy”. Only in Mailworld is a 53 year-old classical violinist a corrupting influence on the youth of today.

A man whose contribution to his ‘bad-boy’ image up until that point started and ended with spiky hair and a ridiculous accent. That James Dean- he’s got a lot to answer for as well. And don’t get us started on that Thomas Beckett. Bloody turbulent priest, someone should do something about him. Maybe that Tony Martin fella that shot the burglar a few years back?

The Star scraped the bucket on Tuesday when they published a grainy picture of what could have frankly been Coleen and Wayne Rooney look-a-likes with the headline ‘Coleen’s New Hooker Agony’.

What had Wayne done this time? Been found handcuffed to a four-poster bed whilst being flogged naked with vuvuzelas by geisha girls? No, Coleen’s agony was caused by being “surrounded by hookers” on the “second honeymoon”. By “surrounded by hookers”, what the Star actually meant is ‘in Prague which happens to have a lot of prostitutes in it’, and by “second honeymoon” what they meant was ‘Coleen’s work assignment which Wayne tagged along to’.

The big entertainment story was of course Gamugate. To summarise for those that like their news being about things of vague importance- X-factor contestant Gamu Nhengu was kicked off the show, and later in the week was facing possible deportation.

Tuesday’s Sun did extensive research and told us the story using the international measurement for outrage- Facebook group members (127’000 and rising). The Mail covered the story on Tuesday, giving voice to fans who considered the decision racist in light of doubts over Gamu’s immigration status.

Perhaps ‘giving voice’ is generous since it was more ‘giving Neandertal grunting noise’.

The Mail made the Sun’s counting of Facebook group members look positively investigative- they just copied and pasted comments; “Is it just me or is racism still alive” said one idiot in a poignant outburst that shames us all. “Cheryl is so daft. I mean, just because Africa gave you malaria doesn’t mean you should take it out on poor Gamu” was another fantastic accusation.

Perhaps Ashley Cole could have been given a tenth chance to save their marriage if his blackness hadn’t been a constant reminder of her nemesis- the continent of Africa.

Meanwhile on page 17- ‘An Extra 139,000 migrants in UK jobs’.

On Wednesday their coverage continued, focusing on whether she might be deported. And again, on good old page 17 – ‘Official figures reveal full impact on migrant flux’. Having read further though, the official figures had not been confirmed as Facebook group so couldn’t be considered reliable.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Celebrities. We love hating them. You do too if you were being honest with yourselves. In fact, you probably love the ones you hate more than the ones you love. So with that, let us poke some celebrities with a great big shitty stick for no reason at all. We’ll berate you while we’re at it.

And so, here’s something to make you all feel a bit better about your pointless, futile lives. Ugly celebrities! Look at them! Look at their faces! Look at their ugly, celebrity faces! Makes you sick, eh? They’re disgusting.

Urgh!

Here is the most complete and comprehensive (read: Thrown together and liable to change in our minds every 30 seconds or so) list of minging famous people.

Let’s laugh at their hideous faces.

Try it out now.

“HAHAHAHA! YOU UGLY SONOFABITCH! HAHAHA! *wheeze* HAHAHAHA!”

Guilt inducingly fun, eh?

Trust us when we say, that feeling of guilt will grow and grow until you reach the point where you’re just laughing and you don’t really know why. You’ll just be cackling to yourself with tears streaming down your lumpy little face while people with more money and less talent stroke themselves in their ivory towers.

So. Here we go.

Let’s rip these ugly fuckheads. They deserve it.

Michael Jackson

James Dean famously lived by the mantra, ‘Live fast, die young and leave a good-looking corpse’ and anyone with the slightly morbid curiosity to have tracked down the pictures of JD post-crash (and of course, Meatloaf) can tell you that two out of three aint bad.

Michael Jackson was such a fan of the Rebel Without a Cause that he chose to follow this way of life too. Unfortunately for the King of Pop, the waxy build-up in his ears and refusal to wear reading glasses through some kind of misplaced vanity meant that he never fully understood the phrase. Instead, Jackson understood it to be ‘Live fast, fuck the young and leave a pale, disgusting, wizened ol’ rusk of a corpse’.

A once handsome man, made ugly through choice. What a shame.

David Gest

Famously a friend of Michael Jackson and a once ugly man made even uglier through choice. Though being married to Liza Minelli probably didn’t help.

Jocelyn Wilderstein

The Bride of Wilderstein has spent almost $4m on surgery. $4m. Four. Million. Dollars. Four million. To look like that. To have that face she spent four million dollars. Four. Four million.

She’s ugly.

Marty Feldman

Now we like Marty Feldman. He’s a fine comic actor who’s brought us a lot of joy over the years, so we’ll not say anything rude here. But we couldn’t leave him off this list, we just couldn’t. Sorry, Marty.

Wayne Rooney

Footballers get girls – it’s what they do. Well, playing football is what they do; having sex with cheap tarts with Daddy issues is more of a sideline, really. Either way, they get plenty of free meat to grind their swollen Valentino’s (do people still wear Valentino’s…?) against in Funky Buddha’s on a Tuesday night. These girls are pretty indiscriminate about who they gobble off in a Paddington Travelodge. Hecklerspray knows this because we have it on pretty good authority that West Ham midfielder and pug dog impersonator Kieron Dyer has had sex with up to four different women! Unbelievable!

So imagine how ugly you’d have to be to have to pay for it if you’re a footballer, especially one of the highest-paid and highest-profile English players. So ugly in fact, that oftentimes the only brass you can pick up is a squalid old slapper in her fifties.

So ugly that the only legitimate lookalike you have is an animated ogre.

Just really, really ugly.

Lyle Lovett

Nobody minded Lyle being an unattractive man pre-1993. Country singers are supposed to look a little down-trodden, a little world-weary. Lovett pushed it a bit with his David-Lynch-after-an-acid-in-the-face-attack look, but people were cool with it. Then he married Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and the world began simultaneously vomiting with disgust and rage. It’s always slightly irksome to see a good-looking lady holding hands with an ugly bugger down the high street, but this took the biscuit. Took the biscuit, injected it with the DNA of an inbred gargoyle and smashed it against a wall.

Thankfully, Lovett and Roberts divorced in 1995. Now he’s with a lady called April Kimble. WHO’S ALSO FIT!

Where’s that biscuit? We’re gonna vomit on it.

Steve Buscemi

It’s been said that ugly actor/director Steve Buscemi fell out of the ugly tree and was hit by every ugly branch on the way down. That’s the kind of lazy, hurtful metaphor that ugly people like the ugly Steve Buscemi have to deal with every day. It’s this kind of malicious remark that hecklerspray wants to clear up right now and tell you that this is an ugly lie.

In fact, Steve ‘Ugly Steve’ Buscemi fell into an ugly bush and was hit by every leaf on the way into it. Poor (ugly) Steve

Kerry Katona

Kerry has an unusually monstrous mush. She suffers from a unique problem that doctors call ‘Westbrook’s Mug’, where her natural, tiny council estate face has folded in on itself after years of steady cocaine face-collapse. Experts claim that years of binging on free frozen pavlovas and massive rings of cheap frozen prawns have only served to exacerbate the problem.

Although, let’s not forget that she had quite a nice rack in the nineties. That’s not meant to be funny, it’s just true. Go on – open a new tab and Google it. We’ll wait…

See?

John C. Reilly

It’s a little known fact that John C. Reilly has undergone extensive facial reconstruction surgery. “Oh my God – what did he look like before?!” We hear you rudely interrupt. Well, if you’ll let us finish (Jeeeeesus…), we’ll tell you…

In the late eighties, Reilly was using his given name, Maxwell O’Steel and was regularly voted America’s most handsome man. He looked like Orlando Bloom, sculpted from platinum and covered in sex. But he couldn’t get the parts his acting chops deserved. No one took him seriously. So Maxwell decided to downgrade both his name and face, deciding on the boring moniker, ‘John C. Reilly’ and opting for face #337 from the surgeon’s book, ‘Kangaroo’s Scrotum Pulled Over a Sports Bag Full of Used Car Parts’. And the rest is history…

Sandra Bernhard

It’s easy to mock Sandra Bernhard for being ugly because of her massive mouth. The truth is if you want to be able to dislocate your jaw and eat an entire bison like she can, it has to be pretty big. And the same goes for being able to get your mouth around Madonna’s vagina (allegedly, etc., etc., etc.).

So there you have it. If those disgusting things can make it big, then even you can! Well, not you. You’re awful. In fact, can you stop looking at us please?

Urgh.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Fifa vs Pro Evo. It’s a battle that has caused many a forum argument and playground bullying campaign as people try to decide which provides the better footballing experience. A battle that has had fresh life breathed into it with the release of the demo versions of Fifa 11 and Pro Evo 11 on both Xbox Live and PSN.

Having spent a long time playing both the latest Fifa and Pro Evo demos I can tell you that they once again offer a broad range of differing aspects of the game… and all of them are boring and insignificant.

I don’t care about the motion capture, I don’t care about the ball having the same physics as a ball that was, in possibly one of the most bizarre statements in sport, described as being too round and I don’t care about the player likenesses.

You know why? Because football is no longer about football, it’s about some of the world’s richest, thickest and, quite frankly, ugliest people taking copious amounts of drugs, sleeping with prostitutes whose ages range from 12 to 90, players trying to win an Oscar for throwing themselves to the ground at every available opportunity while crooked billionaires buy up anything and everything they see.

Seriously, Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch, 2 men who between them have the IQ of a particularly stupid potato and who both look like they escaped from a zoo for handicapped animals, managed to cheat on their model girlfriends with high class hookers and random girls in clubs. How is this not a more interesting aspect of the game than the lack of talent they managed to display at the World Cup?

Fine, if you want an arcade feel buy Pro Evo, if you want an all around better simulation, buy Fifa. But for the love of God shut up about it being, “the most realistic football experience ever,” it isn’t, there is no button that allows you to dive, no clubs go bankrupt half way through a match and no tabloid sex scandals in the season or be a pro modes. Even This Is Football had a dive button, which instantly makes it 10 times more realistic than either Fifa or Pro Evo.

It’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011 all over again.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Of all the celebrities in the known universe, Kerry Katona has to be one of the most gaspingly awful. She couldn’t really sing, can’t really muster up the acting talent to get through an Iceland commercial and is only ever on the radar elsewhere when she’s making a mess of her life.

There is, naturally, a human under all this, but that shouldn’t stop us from being idiotically nasty about her because basically, that’s our job… just as hers is to provide us all with the ammo to throw back at her.

And so, what’s she up to now? Well, she’s actively encouraging us to sharpen our arrows and prime our slings as she’s ranted and spat about Wayne Rooney’s alleged infidelity with a prostitute, dubbing it “absolutely disgusting”.

In fairness to Katona, she is right when she says that Wayne Rooney’s sexing of a lady of the night is disgusting. However, any sexual activity involving simiantastic Rooney is going to be disgusting. Imagine him bearing down on you, grunting like a pig in a sack, beads of swear running down his sloped brow as he tries to form rudimentary words while pawing at your flesh.

Chilling.

Katona, however, speaking in her OK! column, is saying that she’s sympathising with Coleen but wouldn’t allow herself to remain in a relationship in those circumstances.

She said:

“It’s absolutely disgusting what Wayne Rooney has allegedly been up to.

“It’s really hard for Coleen because they’ve got a kid and that family brand but you shouldn’t put up with that.”

She added:

“I couldn’t tell her to leave him – she’s madly in love with him and they have a child – but you’ve got to have respect for yourself because if you don’t, no-one else will.

“I’d rather be happy and single and respect myself than be in a miserable marriage where you get walked all over and put up with so much.

“I want a better life for my kids. That’s why I walked away.”

That’s all well and good Kerry, but wanting better for your kids is a bit rich, seeing as you’ve been widely criticised for smoking and boozing during your pregnancies. Not to mention those dodgy snaps that appeared in one tabloid that suggested you had huge bags of coke lying about the house at a particularly child-friendly height.

Although, that all said, Katona could force the legs of her children through a wood chipper and it still wouldn’t be as disgusting as Wayne Rooney having sex.

Nope. You’re right Kerry. As you were.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Up, down.

Folded:

• Derren Brown remakes David Fincher’s The Game (who cares if it might have been a hoax? It was still a wonderfully smart ass bit of TV)
• Is it wrong to want to shoot a big plastic gun at your PS3? (of course it is)
• Inception Lego (probably cleverer than the movie)
• Alice Lowe is the British Christina Applegate (and she is not on TV nearly enough)
• Lucy Verasamy on Daybreak (okay, so the rest of the show is worse than stabbing an erect member in your eye, but at least they have the gorgeous Verasamy)

Creased:

• The man that started all this bile, wonderful hecklerspray editor Stuart Heritage is leaving (…to start a new sex change reality TV show. More details as we have it)
• Gross Jelly Bean flavours (quite why anyone would want to eat ‘Vomit’ or ‘Baby Wipes’ flavour, even for a joke, is beyond us)
• Great TV Mistakes (oh look, Sarah Michelle Geller is inhaling in that shot but exhaling in the next. TV bloopers are so ace)
• Religion (back in the news again and as usual is the sole cause of every major problem in the entire world)
• Wayne Rooney (allegedly a fat, sleazy cheater…who can still play a bit of football)

Throughout this Wayne Rooney prostitute palaver, one person has been keeping conspicuously silent.

Wayne Rooney? No. Colleen Rooney? No. The prostitute who allegedly had it off with Wayne Rooney all those times? Well, obviously not, no – she’s barely been able to keep her trap shut all week. No, we’re talking about the prostitute’s dad. How are we supposed to get a rounded picture of the scandal unless the man who fathered the woman who reportedly received money to put Wayne Rooney’s penis in her mouth gives his opinion on the matter?

Well, it must be our lucky day. Hamish Thompson – the father of prostitute Jenny Thompson – has offered a sincere apology to Colleen Rooney. So that’s that sorted out, then.

As we reported earlier this week, there’s a very good chance that Colleen Rooney will leave Wayne Rooney for good following his alleged visits to prostitute Jenny Thompson. It’s not the fact that Wayne slept with another woman that stung Colleen the most, and nor is it the fact that Wayne paid for sex. No, it’s the fact that at no point have Jenny Thompson’s parents offered any form of grovelling apology to her for essentially creating the vagina that’s caused all this bother.

Well, fear not. It may have taken a few days, but Jenny Thompson’s parents have finally got around to saying sorry to Colleen Rooney. The marriage is back on! The Sun reports:

Mortified dad Hamish, 55, issued the couple’s “most sincere apologies” to the mum of one and her family. Mr Thompson said: “This may sound somewhat hollow, but my wife and I would never condone what has or may have happened.”  He stressed they had “absolutely no idea” their daughter had been selling herself for sex – let alone to the married Manchester United superstar for £1,200 a night.

Good. Frankly, if you ask us, every time a celebrity gets caught having it away with a prostitute, their parents should come forward and personally apologise to the celebrity’s wife. Obviously sometimes it can’t happen – the parents of the first prostitute Wayne Rooney was caught with couldn’t apologise, for example, because they must be about 3,000 years old – but whenever it can, it should.

In fact, why stop there. Where are Jenny Thompson’s grandparents here? They’re just as responsible for the DNA of Jenny Thompson’s leased-out mimsy as anyone else, so where are their sincere apologies? And while we’re at it, why not conduct a seance so that Colleen Rooney can hear the disappointed sighs of all of Jenny Thompson’s dead relatives? Colleen deserves to hear their supernatural anguish. She does.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter and Facebook

Whether it’s with a prostitute or a hairdresser he can puke all over, there’s a pattern to cheating footballers.

First the wife is outraged. Then the wife hurls the footballer out of his home. Then, remembering that the footballer earns more in a week than they would in two years, the wife takes the footballer back. Then, in some cases, they’ll write a song explaining how they plan to fight for their love. This is the way the world works.

Right now, following claims that Wayne Rooney has been banging whores again, Coleen Rooney is at stage two of this process. But she might be about to break the pattern – according to reports, Coleen has claimed that she won’t take Wayne back because she doesn’t need him any more. The moral here is that nothing empowers women more than a brief appearance in a advert for Marks & Spencer knickers.

Going on the basis of previous cheating footballer stories, this time tomorrow we’ll be publishing a post about how Coleen Rooney has gone out without her wedding ring because that’s a subsection of the ‘throwing the footballer out of home’ stage. But until then, we’ll have to make do with the story of how Coleen Rooney definitely won’t be taking Wayne Rooney back at all, ever, honest.

Because this isn’t the first time that Wayne Rooney has been accused of having it off with a prostitute – even though it is the first time he’s been accused of having it off with a prostitute who isn’t about 80 years old and looks as if she smells like a mixture of Werther’s Originals and wee – Coleen Nolan has put her foot down and decided to get rid of him for good. The Sun reports:

Coleen, whose TV career has made her an estimated £10million, forgave him before – but pals fear the latest betrayal may be the last straw. A source said: “Coleen screamed at him: “How you can do this to me when I’m pregnant, the mother of your son?’ The trust has gone and it has shattered her confidence. She’s asking herself, ‘What’s wrong with me? Am I too ugly?’”

Thanks to her TV career – which we’ll admit we didn’t actually know existed before – her willingness to be a spokeswoman for any company that offer her enough money and the fact that she had a child with Wayne Rooney so he has to cough up, Coleen has found herself in a state of financial independence. So this might really be it. Coleen and Wayne Rooney might really be splitting up.

Obviously by this time on Thursday we’ll be publishing a story about how Coleen Rooney has given Wayne Rooney one last chance because that’s the inevitable stage three, but let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter and Facebook

Hold on to your hats, kids – according to a newspaper, a footballer might be a bit sexually promiscuous.

We know. It’s bizarre, isn’t it? To think that a member of the footballing profession – a profession that requires the strength of a superhero, the brains of a rocket scientist and the sound moral judgement of a clergyman – could actually cheat on his wife with a prostitute is a shock beyond words. And to think that the footballer responsible was allegedly sensible, trustworthy Wayne Rooney – an unflappable rock of a man who has never once lost his temper in his entire life – well, we’re dumbfounded.

After all, it’s not like Wayne Rooney has ever done anything like this befo… ah, actually, wait, no. Sorry. Sorry. Our mistake. Whoops. Ah, this is awkward.

In a way, footballers have got the best job in the world. They might all have faces that make them look as if they were caught in a blast at the Mr Potato Head component factory, but they’re so rich that they can often overcome these shortcomings by having it off with as many prostitutes as they like. It’s just a shame that they tend to do it while they’re either married or engaged.

First Peter Crouch was accused of sleeping with a teenage Algerian prostitute, and now Wayne Rooney has allegedly followed suit. According to some of the Sunday papers, Rooney cheated on his pregnant wife several times with a 21-year-old prostitute called Jenny Thompson, and now he fears that his marriage is in tatters. The Sun reports:

Tearful Rooney was said to be “in meltdown” last night after Jenny’s shock revelations in our sister paper the News of the World. The star made a series of calls to Coleen, mum to his ten-month-old son Kai, and promised to get help for his fixation with prostitutes. But Rooney’s shocked cousin Natalie, who famously bared her boobs at Coleen’s 21st birthday party, branded him a “dirty bastard”.

Now, to be fair to Wayne Rooney, he hasn’t made a public admission of guilt yet, so it’d be wrong to assume that the rumours of him sleeping with a 21-year-old prostitute are true. It certainly doesn’t sound like his sort of thing. She was pre-menopausal, for a start, which we didn’t think he was all that keen on. But what do we know? Maybe Wayne Rooney made Jenny Thompson act like an old lady instead – perhaps he drew some wrinkles on her face with a pencil and got her to complain about immigrants and reminisce about the days of pre-decimalisation until he ejaculated into her denture cup.

We’ll have to stop this now. Thinking about this is making us far too aroused.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter and Facebook

If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it.

Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he’s instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread.

We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.

What bread and Wayne Rooney have in common is beyond us, but somebody at the Hovis bakery seems to think it will help their slumping sales.

Maybe they’ve forgotten about the ferocious CREDIT CRUNCH, meaning people are simply buying less? In fact, they would be better off just trying to get Wayne to spend £150,000 on bread. But then again, he probably wouldn’t know what to do with all that yeasty goodness.

Using all the experience garnered from our Badvertising feature, we’ve thought of a few ways that bread and Wayne Rooney could be connected:

1) He could explain to children that his brain resembles the mush left over after dipping Hovis’ finest in a soft-boiled egg 152 times. As a result, he decided to get the world’s stupidest tattoo.

2) It could be some sort of crap football advert to encourage kids to get fitter and not shove pie and chips down their gullet at all hours of the day. Using his croaky voice he’ll utter: “Hey children, if you want to get ahead in life then use your loaf like me Wayne Rooney!” Following that speech – which would probably take around 10 hours of filming to get right – he’ll head a loaf of bread past a small child and make them cry.

3) Maybe it’s a subtle education drive to encourage people to attend school: “If you don’t visit the classroom, you’ll end up in a bread factory with the morons like Wayne Rooney.” That tagline alone is enough to scare children more than the Bogeyman, the monster under the bed and Michael Jackson.

See, we should become advertising executives.

Unfortunately, it appears that Hovis aren’t going down the same line of thinking as us when it comes to using the human equivalent of Shrek to sell their sandwich-creation tool. A source told the Daily Mirror:

“They want to revert to the more classic commercials for the traditionalists. With Wayne being a national icon, they can return to the iconic Hovis style, while still appealing to the younger generation. The new advert will be in the spirit of the 1973 Hovis ad – voted Britain’s favourite TV commercial – of a boy pushing a bike laden with Hovis loaves up a steep hill.”

Um…unless we’re mistaken, we always thought that the original Hovis advert was filmed in Yorkshire. So why they want to transform the famous cobbled streets of Yorkshire into the potholed streets of Liverpool, where he’ll just get his bike stolen, is beyond even hecklerspray.

It’s a travesty, we tell you! Just like when Opal Fruits changed to Starburst. The loveable voice of a Yorkshireman is set to be replaced by the screechings of a Scouser. If he had an angelic voice, we wouldn’t mind.

But at the best of times, it’s hard to understand what he says, and it usually sounds like he’s going to break your kneecaps when you can hear him.

“If it ain’t from Yorkshire, it’s rubbish,” is a common utterance of local Yorkshire types. We presume this phrase will take on a new lease of life when the advert airs. If Wayne can get his lines right, that is.

Don’t hold your breath.

We’d always assumed that one of the basic edicts of life was that nobody really likes The Stereophonics very much.

Sure, people might listen to Stereophonics in their cars occasionally, but that doesn’t mean they’re fans of Stereophonics – just that they want to drown out the sound of the crying kidnapped baby they’ve locked in their boot and it’s the only thing they could find.

However, we could have been wrong. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics so much that he’s had one of their album titles tattooed down his arm. That album, by the way, is Just Enough Education To Perform rather than… oh, let’s not pretend we can remember what any Stereophonics albums are called, shall we?

Tattoos are such a minefield, aren’t they? Get one on your lower back and everyone will think you’re a slut. Ask for one that says ‘peace’ in Indian and you run the risk of having the Indian word for ‘wanker’ tattooed on you by an artist who knows you’ll never find out. Get one of Girls Aloud and, well, you are a wanker.

But Wayne Rooney knows this. Not only is Wayne Rooney old and wise enough to make his own decisions – although the bulk of those decisions admittedly do revolve around having sex with really old hookers – but his new wife is also a columnist in a downmarket women’s magazine, so she’s probably been on a training course about ill-advised tattoos as well or something.

No, when it comes to tattoos Wayne Rooney if effortlessly well-informed and… what? Wayne Rooney’s done what? Of The Stereophonics? Oh dear christ, that sounds awful. The Telegraph reports:

The Manchester United and England star has had “Just Enough Education To Perform” etched on his right forearm. The line is the title of an album by his favourite band, The Stereophonics. The football star is such a fan of The Stereophonics that McLoughlin arranged for them to give a surprise performance during the couple’s week-long wedding celebrations in Italy last month.

Ah, do you see? The tattoo has multiple meanings. ‘Just Enough Education To Perform’ refers to Wayne Rooney’s own life – he left school without any GCSEs – plus it’s also a way of saying that Wayne Rooney really really likes Stereophonics and therefore wouldn’t know what decent music sounds like if it punched him in his big stupid face.

But still, Wayne Rooney’s the one who has to spend the rest of his life looking at the tattoo, not us, so as long as he’s happy with it there shouldn’t be a problem.

Although we do think it would have been more sensible if Wayne had got a tattoo with a functional message that helped his memory instead – something like ‘Don’t Eat Crayons’ or ‘Old Ladies Aren’t Sexually Attractive’.