Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he’s instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread.

We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.

What bread and Wayne Rooney have in common is beyond us, but somebody at the Hovis bakery seems to think it will help their slumping sales.

Maybe they’ve forgotten about the ferocious CREDIT CRUNCH, meaning people are simply buying less? In fact, they would be better off just trying to get Wayne to spend £150,000 on bread. But then again, he probably wouldn’t know what to do with all that yeasty goodness.

Using all the experience garnered from our Badvertising feature, we’ve thought of a few ways that bread and Wayne Rooney could be connected:

1) He could explain to children that his brain resembles the mush left over after dipping Hovis’ finest in a soft-boiled egg 152 times. As a result, he decided to get the world’s stupidest tattoo.

2) It could be some sort of crap football advert to encourage kids to get fitter and not shove pie and chips down their gullet at all hours of the day. Using his croaky voice he’ll utter: “Hey children, if you want to get ahead in life then use your loaf like me Wayne Rooney!” Following that speech – which would probably take around 10 hours of filming to get right – he’ll head a loaf of bread past a small child and make them cry.

3) Maybe it’s a subtle education drive to encourage people to attend school: “If you don’t visit the classroom, you’ll end up in a bread factory with the morons like Wayne Rooney.” That tagline alone is enough to scare children more than the Bogeyman, the monster under the bed and Michael Jackson.

See, we should become advertising executives.

Unfortunately, it appears that Hovis aren’t going down the same line of thinking as us when it comes to using the human equivalent of Shrek to sell their sandwich-creation tool. A source told the Daily Mirror:

“They want to revert to the more classic commercials for the traditionalists. With Wayne being a national icon, they can return to the iconic Hovis style, while still appealing to the younger generation. The new advert will be in the spirit of the 1973 Hovis ad – voted Britain’s favourite TV commercial – of a boy pushing a bike laden with Hovis loaves up a steep hill.”

Um…unless we’re mistaken, we always thought that the original Hovis advert was filmed in Yorkshire. So why they want to transform the famous cobbled streets of Yorkshire into the potholed streets of Liverpool, where he’ll just get his bike stolen, is beyond even hecklerspray.

It’s a travesty, we tell you! Just like when Opal Fruits changed to Starburst. The loveable voice of a Yorkshireman is set to be replaced by the screechings of a Scouser. If he had an angelic voice, we wouldn’t mind.

But at the best of times, it’s hard to understand what he says, and it usually sounds like he’s going to break your kneecaps when you can hear him.

“If it ain’t from Yorkshire, it’s rubbish,” is a common utterance of local Yorkshire types. We presume this phrase will take on a new lease of life when the advert airs. If Wayne can get his lines right, that is.

Don’t hold your breath.

Sure, people might listen to Stereophonics in their cars occasionally, but that doesn’t mean they’re fans of Stereophonics – just that they want to drown out the sound of the crying kidnapped baby they’ve locked in their boot and it’s the only thing they could find.

However, we could have been wrong. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics. Wayne Rooney likes Stereophonics so much that he’s had one of their album titles tattooed down his arm. That album, by the way, is Just Enough Education To Perform rather than… oh, let’s not pretend we can remember what any Stereophonics albums are called, shall we?

Tattoos are such a minefield, aren’t they? Get one on your lower back and everyone will think you’re a slut. Ask for one that says ‘peace’ in Indian and you run the risk of having the Indian word for ‘wanker’ tattooed on you by an artist who knows you’ll never find out. Get one of Girls Aloud and, well, you are a wanker.

But Wayne Rooney knows this. Not only is Wayne Rooney old and wise enough to make his own decisions – although the bulk of those decisions admittedly do revolve around having sex with really old hookers – but his new wife is also a columnist in a downmarket women’s magazine, so she’s probably been on a training course about ill-advised tattoos as well or something.

No, when it comes to tattoos Wayne Rooney if effortlessly well-informed and… what? Wayne Rooney’s done what? Of The Stereophonics? Oh dear christ, that sounds awful. The Telegraph reports:

The Manchester United and England star has had “Just Enough Education To Perform” etched on his right forearm. The line is the title of an album by his favourite band, The Stereophonics. The football star is such a fan of The Stereophonics that McLoughlin arranged for them to give a surprise performance during the couple’s week-long wedding celebrations in Italy last month.

Ah, do you see? The tattoo has multiple meanings. ‘Just Enough Education To Perform’ refers to Wayne Rooney’s own life – he left school without any GCSEs – plus it’s also a way of saying that Wayne Rooney really really likes Stereophonics and therefore wouldn’t know what decent music sounds like if it punched him in his big stupid face.

But still, Wayne Rooney’s the one who has to spend the rest of his life looking at the tattoo, not us, so as long as he’s happy with it there shouldn’t be a problem.

Although we do think it would have been more sensible if Wayne had got a tattoo with a functional message that helped his memory instead – something like ‘Don’t Eat Crayons’ or ‘Old Ladies Aren’t Sexually Attractive’.