This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians.

The Kabbalah water in the pool – well that’s actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable.

Not any more though. Now she’s just getting divorced – and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That’s why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.

Well, the Ritchies are divorcing. They’re both apparently boning their rebounds, and they are amicably dividing up every single one of their possessions. For instance, Guy will get the head and neck of Rocco, while Madonna’s nannies will care tenderly for all the family rabbits.

We’re totally ad-libbing here.

Also, Guy is apparently keeping the country house, and dang it all he’s gonna flood it with whatever liquids he sees fit. One things for sure though – he’s not gonna sacrilegiously fill his pool with water stolen from the lips of Xerxes as he sat in his golden cave atop Mount Olympus, which we heard is where Kabbalans get everything they ever drink. Ritchie probably wouldn’t mind using it, actually, but his wife is said to have wanted the Kabbalah pool so bad he may just be trying to stick it to her.

According to the Telegraph:

“Mr Ritchie, the film director, has stopped the order for the ’special water’ for the pool at their Wiltshire estate…The 40 year old has insisted that the pool should be filled with normal chlorinated water, not Kabbalah water as requested by the [Madonna].”

hecklerspray believes Ritchie’s water-cancellation to be a foolish move – one made by somebody who obviously doesn’t know how good that stuff is at healing old lady hands, arm flaps and really sizable dental gaps. When he finds the next senior-citizen love of his life, say Margaret Thatcher or something, he’ll surely regret it.

We’d also like to suggest a few water-replacement options if this other stuff is definitely out. For instance, why not install some under water electric-oven burners and fill the thing with thousands of copies of Hard Candy. Sure, the downside is he’d push her album up the charts, but think about how cool it would be to swim in thousands of those things all liquid and melty. When you got out of the pool you’d look like Agent Doggett in Terminator 2.

Plus, think of all the landfills he’d be able to keep just a little emptier. And really – isn’t that what Kabbalah’s all about.

So with a relationship like that, you’d think that Celine Dion would be allowed to use as much water as she liked. Celine Dion certainly thinks so – she’s been singled out as the biggest consumer of water in her Florida county, using 6.5 million gallons in a year.

To put that in perspective, Celine Dion used enough water to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every four minutes, day and night, for 12 months solid. It sounds a lot, but Celine Dion actually drinks every one of those 6.5 gallons of water so that she can stay hydrated when she cries about all the sad people in Africa, which she does a lot.

Ask a celebrity what they’re most concerned about, and they’ll say “the environment.” They’re lying, of course – what they’re really thinking is “you know what I’d like? A pony made out of GLITTER!” but at least they’re giving off the impression that they care.

And Celine Dion does care. She cares deeply. About everything. Celine Dion cares so much that there’s a whole section of her website dedicated to telling the world how much she cares about everything from cystic fibrosis to breast cancer, complete with a photo gallery of her hugging an assortment of poorly children. Also, there’s a song on her new album called Skies Of LA, which is about global warming.

So, yes, it’s fair to say that Celine Dion cares deeply about the environment.

And what better way to show how much she cares about the environment than by making sure all the lawns and plants in her home in Marin County, Florida are given the best life possible. Even if that means that she has to tip 6.5 million gallons of water – about 54 times what the average resident uses – over them every year just to keep them happy, it’s a small price to pay. Or an obscenely large price to pay, depending on how stupid you are.

In fact, Celine Dion uses such a ridiculous amount of water that she’s been named as the biggest consumer of water in her entire county. Which isn’t bad considering she spent most of the last 12 months in Las Vegas finishing up her residency there. Second place went to Tiger Woods, who only managed to use a pitiful 3.7 million gallons of water in a year. Tiger, that’s only a moderately offensive amount of water – we thought you were supposed to be a champion.

Celine Dion has yet to comment about her extravagant use of a rapidly-diminishing natural resource, but we’re sure she’s very contrite about it and will never wash ever again to make amends, even if it means she has to contract a series of deadly diseases and ultimately dies because of it. It’s the least she can do, frankly.

Anyway, we’re sure that Celine’s got bigger things on her mind that how much water she uses on her garden – that’ll all pale into insignificance once the authorities realise that she’s painted the entire east wing of her mansion in 14 coats of panda blood and dances around at night in ballgowns made from the tear-soaked skins of 58 stitched-together Cambodian orphans.

Legally we have to point out that Celine Dion doesn’t actually do any of that. But look into her eyes. You can tell she wants to.

So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.

What's that? She didn't? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god – for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.

This morning Heather Mills woke up a new women. Her saggy-faced pensioner of an estranged husband Paul McCartney had become her saggy-faced pensioner of an ex-husband and she had £24.3 million of divorce settlement money to blow on whatever she wanted. But is Heather Mills happy?

No she isn't. Heather Mills may have won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney, but she was reportedly angling for much more than that. So how did Heather Mills take out her anger on the verdict? By rushing over to the nearest group of television cameras and babbling in a demented way for 11 minutes about how brilliant she is and how shit Paul McCartney is while giving the impression that she's going to hand over the full total to charity even though she probably won't?

Well, yes, admittedly Heather Mills did do exactly that, but only after she poured a glass of water of the head of Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer. Like we said, classy. The Sun reports:

And as the hearing ended, witnesses said Mucca calmly picked up the water and soaked lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Heather, 40, last night refused to admit pouring the water, which judge Mr Justice Bennett could have viewed as contempt. But she laughingly boasted that Ms Shackleton, 51, had been “baptised in court” — and a source confirmed to The Sun that she was behind the attack. A witness said: “Heather tipped the water over Fiona’s head. She didn’t throw it. It was cool, calm and collected. It trickled down Fiona’s neck. She waited until the hearing was over. The judge would have taken a very dim view of it if he’d seen it.”

Fiona Shackleton should be lucky that it was Heather Mills who attacked her, if anything. Had it been Paul McCartney holding the glass there'd have been a stabby stabby bloodbath – and that's as near to fact as we can comfortably allude  to without fear of a lawsuit for defamation.

Anyway, it's likely that we'll eventually hear about Heather Mills' divorce water-attack from the horse's mouth sooner or later because, as Heather Mills said in her weird rant yesterday, she's been forced into silence over the divorce for the last 21 months and now it's her turn to talk.

And given that her definition of 'silence' is 'one berserk screaming British breakfast TV interview, another two berserk interviews on American television shows, a weepy interview about how she isn't a golddigger on American TV, an even weepier radio interview and a six-week stint on a spangly one-legged televised backflip competition', we get the feeling that there's going to be an awful lot of talking.

We suppose our real point here, though, is that an angry Heather Mills is better than a happy Heather Mills. Because, in the name of all that's holy, have you ever seen Heather Mills smile? She looks like a bad impressionist painting of a constipated hairdresser who's straining for a poo, trying to bend a metal girder with her hands and attempting to work out advanced partial differential equations in her head all at the same time. With brainfreeze. Nobody wants to see that.

Read more: 

Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca's lawyer Shacka – The Sun 

That's the only way we can explain why a series of Biblical plague-style accidents keep wrecking their homes, anyway. Just weeks after Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house burnt down in the Malibu wildfires, Eddie Van Halen's house has got all muddy because a water main freakishly broke near his house yesterday. Actually it's a little more serious than we're making out – thousands of gallons of water uprooted trees in Eddie Van Halen's garden, filled over his swimming pool and narrowly avoided causing permanent damage to his house.

Memo to God: when you get round to unleashing your plague of unhealable boils, might we suggest Bon Jovi as a target. Again, that's Bon Jovi.

These days, Eddie Van Halen never does anything more strenuous than seeing how girly he can let his hair get before anyone confronts him about it or choosing theoretical new Van Halen line-ups by throwing darts into a phonebook blindfolded. So with this in mind, Eddie van Halen has had a hell of a year.

First Van Halen were going into the Rock And Roll Hall OF Fame, then hardly any of the band turned up because Eddie went to rehab, then they managed to split up before they even reformed, and then they decided to reform anyway. And the last thing anyone wants after a year like that is an unusual amount of mud in their back garden.

But that's what Eddie Van Halen has to deal with today, after a water main burst near his home in LA yesterday and sent thousands of gallons of mud and debris crashing down Coldwater Canyon and into his garden, not affecting anyone else's property. Although neither Eddie Van Halen or his girlfriend were at home when the mud-attack hit, Van Halen's girlfriend Janie Liszewski – who also moonlights as his publicist – had this to say:

"It could have been a lot worse. The pool is buried in mud, the driveway gate is down and some major landscaping is going to be needed to restore the yard to its former self."

It's also been reported that the only thing which saved Eddie Van Halen's house from the accident was the quick-thinking firefighters who threw down sandbags to protect it. But coming so soon after Flea's house burnt down in a freak Malibu wildfire, how are these under-fire celebrities going to protect themselves from the cruel hand of Mother Nature?

We think we have an answer, and that answer is a man-for-man population swap with Basildon. It's so obviously – Basildon has everything that the modern millionaire celebrity needs, from plans to build one of Europe's largest wetland nature reserves to a shopping centre with a Claire's Accessories and a Bon Marche. Plus the current population of Basildon would get to go to LA and have their houses burnt down by a succession of natural disasters. We wouldn't be against that, to be honest.

Read more:

Eddie Van Halen's Yard Flooded - Associated Press