Articles tagged with: Water
Madonna's plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians. The Kabbalah water in the pool - well that's actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable. Not any more though. Now she's just getting divorced - and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That's why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
Celine Dion and water go way back - let's not forget that her biggest hit was about the tragic watery deaths of 1,517 people in the freezing North Atlantic. So with a relationship like that, you'd think that Celine Dion would be allowed to use as much water as she liked. Celine Dion certainly thinks so - she's been singled out as the biggest consumer of water in her Florida county, using 6.5 million gallons in a year. To put that in perspective, Celine Dion used enough water to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every four minutes, day and night, for 12 months solid. It sounds a lot, but Celine Dion actually drinks every one of those 6.5 gallons of water so that she can stay hydrated when she cries about all the sad people in Africa, which she does a lot.
As a former massive-haired gelatine penis-gobbling 1980s naked model, Heather Mills is pretty much class all over.
So, even though it was apparently a fraction of what she hoped to receive, Heather Mills accepted her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney yesterday with nothing but the sort of dignity and grace that could only prove her critics wrong.
What's that? She didn't? In actual fact Heather Mills apparently stormed over to Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer and poured a glass of water over her head? Oh thank god - for a moment there we were worried that all that money had made Heather Mills normal. Perish the thought.
If you're a member of a stadium-filling middle-aged American rock band, you must be slowly waking up to the fact that God hates you.
That's the only way we can explain why a series of Biblical plague-style accidents keep wrecking their homes, anyway. Just weeks after Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers' house burnt down in the Malibu wildfires, Eddie Van Halen's house has got all muddy because a water main freakishly broke near his house yesterday. Actually it's a little more serious than we're making out - thousands of gallons of water uprooted trees in Eddie Van Halen's garden, filled over his swimming pool and narrowly avoided causing permanent damage to his house.
Memo to God: when you get round to unleashing your plague of unhealable boils, might we suggest Bon Jovi as a target. Again, that's Bon Jovi.
