Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Sweet Moses on crutches, Bruce Springsteen has gone and topped the UK album charts with his new release ‘Wrecking Ball’, thereby underlining just how grotesquely dead rock music is at the moment.
The sweaty old busted-lung scored his ninth number one LP on these shores, showing that idiocy and a lack of taste is definitely not a new thing in the world.
And, to add insult to injury, The Boss’ chart-topper shows his thorough and absolute contempt for the British Army.
As well you know, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have around 3,000 children thanks to their penchant for plundering impoverished countries and adopting like they’re Joseph Kony or something.?
Of course, Brangelina don’t make their children fight or anything like that, but there’s clearly a problem with having such a large brood.
One of the children,?Pax Jolie-Pitt (no, us neither) was most animated this weekend when the family went out to eat the mysterious meal called ‘brunch’ in the French Quarter of New Orleans.
The real winner at the weekend’s Oscars wasn’t that silent movie or Margaret Thatcher winning Best Monster, but rather, Angelina Jolie’s various and assembled body parts. It appears that the Academy Awards were so boring, we need to talk about a leg.
That’s what happens when Jennifer Lopez cruelly denies us a nipple-slip, the selfish cow.
So what in particular won our attention regarding Jolie? Well, her leg. Just her right leg, which has caused so much fuss that we assume is severed itself from her body and rampaged around the awards with a mind of its own, presumable getting off with other missing body parts like the arm from the drummer of Def Leppard and Tommy Iommi’s fingertips. This left Angelina so thin, it was borderline offensive.
When they’re not taking babies from Africa or flaunting their vast wealth while pretending to care about the Middle East, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are actually reasonably good-looking actors.?
No, honestly they are. They may not have done anything of note for a while, but they are card-carrying thespians away from their holier-than-thou lives.
Troublingly,?Jolie is threatening to make another movie with Pitt… when they’ve finished talking about their 40,000 children and how they’re too cool to get married. You’ve all seen Mr & Mrs Smith right? This is not good news.
There’s nothing like feeling like a martyr if you’re a pampered, spoiled Hollywood star like Angelina Jolie. It gives her the edge she so clearly craves. She’s not vanilla like that Jennifer Aniston that her partner Brad Pitt used to hump.
And so, you can imagine that she’s probably thrilled to bits with the worry of death threats.
Now, these aren’t your common or garden death threats from mental fans. These are from people who have lived through wars and atrocities. Proper death threats then! QUICK! Get Jolie in your Death Sweepstake!
Last week was depressing as hell. Foreigners kept on dying all over the world with no respect for tabloid circulation.It was a week so full of human suffering that the announcement of the budget was comic relief.
The government got pretty much what it wanted from the right-wing tabloids on Thursday when they explained the budget to us stupids. The Mail happily put Osborne?s transparently phrased summary that the budget would ?put fuel in the tank? of the economy on their front page. Do you think the Chancellor wanted our attention focused on any specific aspect of the budget perchance? The Mail were very keen to report on the 6p cut in petrol duty. 6p that consisted of delaying a planned 5p rise and cutting 1p from a price which had already been pushed up more than 3p by the VAT increase. You lucky people.
Anyway, sorry about that- budgets are boring. Creative accounting may be creative but it's still accounting.
Apart from the obvious benefits of tourism, there really doesn’t seem to be much point to the Royal Family. They remind hecklerspray of ghouls, hired to occupy large houses and rattle around staring at old oil paintings and eating from 200 year old plates. And that’s about it.
Of course, countries like America wish they had a royal family. They love the heritage of it all. Well, consider this Americans – The Queen is just our version of Paris Hilton. She’s wealthy for no reason and doesn’t understand how the world works.
At least Paris Hilton has the decency to live it up with purses filled with cocaine. That said, no-one wants to see the grainy sex-tape of Her Majesty and Prince Philip going at it hammer and tongues.
Bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, boom. Bang. That is the noise war makes, as reproduced by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg in The Pacific.
The Pacific is a massive budget ($200m) 10 -part miniseries from HBO, shown by Sky Movies HD in the UK. What’s that? Why is Sky Movies showing a TV series? Good question. The big Sky Movies boss thinks this show is *so* cinematic, it is basically more of a film than actual films.
Each 45 minute episode contains approximately 17 minutes of footage, the rest is filled with opening and closing credits. Bear this fact in mind when deciding whether to Sky+ it or not.
Sometimes it's obvious to find a solution for a problem that has been bugging you for ages.
Sick of getting a nasty shock all over your body? Removing your fingers from the plug socket will always be a solution to stop that problem.
One eternal issue that has plagued the world for centuries has been war. People have been shoving sticks in to each other, burning down castles and dropping bombs on rival countries. It doesn't look set to stop any time soon as Batman, The Pope and Bono can't find a solution. But one dizzy American can. Not Hilary Clinton, but another called Paris Hilton.
It’s our favourite time of the year – the time when the shortlisted nominees for next year’s induction to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are announced.
Why is it our favourite time of the year? Because we know that from hereon in, it’s going to be a whistlestop pedal-to-the-metal seven-month funride until the bands eventually chosen to go into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame get properly inducted. Seven months. Seven poxy months that we’ll never get back. Fun.
So who could be going into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year? Why only Run-DMC, Metallica, The Stooges, Jeff Beck, Wanda Jackson, Chic, Little Anthony And The Imperials, Bobby Womack and War. That’s War the concept of organised military disputes between feuding nations and not War the 1970s jazz-funk fusion band responsible for hits like Why Can’t We Be Friends, by the way. That struck us as weird, too.
