Last week was depressing as hell. Foreigners kept on dying all over the world with no respect for tabloid circulation.It was a week so full of human suffering that the announcement of the budget was comic relief.
The government got pretty much what it wanted from the right-wing tabloids on Thursday when they explained the budget to us stupids. The Mail happily put Osborne’s transparently phrased summary that the budget would “put fuel in the tank” of the economy on their front page. Do you think the Chancellor wanted our attention focused on any specific aspect of the budget perchance? The Mail were very keen to report on the 6p cut in petrol duty. 6p that consisted of delaying a planned 5p rise and cutting 1p from a price which had already been pushed up more than 3p by the VAT increase. You lucky people.
Anyway, sorry about that- budgets are boring. Creative accounting may be creative but it’s still accounting.
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Apart from the obvious benefits of tourism, there really doesn’t seem to be much point to the Royal Family. They remind hecklerspray of ghouls, hired to occupy large houses and rattle around staring at old oil paintings and eating from 200 year old plates. And that’s about it.
Of course, countries like America wish they had a royal family. They love the heritage of it all. Well, consider this Americans – The Queen is just our version of Paris Hilton. She’s wealthy for no reason and doesn’t understand how the world works.
At least Paris Hilton has the decency to live it up with purses filled with cocaine. That said, no-one wants to see the grainy sex-tape of Her Majesty and Prince Philip going at it hammer and tongues. Read More >>>
Bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, boom. Bang. That is the noise war makes, as reproduced by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg in The Pacific.
The Pacific is a massive budget ($200m) 10 -part miniseries from HBO, shown by Sky Movies HD in the UK. What’s that? Why is Sky Movies showing a TV series? Good question. The big Sky Movies boss thinks this show is *so* cinematic, it is basically more of a film than actual films.
Each 45 minute episode contains approximately 17 minutes of footage, the rest is filled with opening and closing credits. Bear this fact in mind when deciding whether to Sky+ it or not.
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Sometimes it’s obvious to find a solution for a problem that has been bugging you for ages.
Sick of getting a nasty shock all over your body? Removing your fingers from the plug socket will always be a solution to stop that problem.
One eternal issue that has plagued the world for centuries has been war. People have been shoving sticks in to each other, burning down castles and dropping bombs on rival countries. It doesn’t look set to stop any time soon as Batman, The Pope and Bono can’t find a solution. But one dizzy American can. Not Hilary Clinton, but another called Paris Hilton.
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It’s our favourite time of the year – the time when the shortlisted nominees for next year’s induction to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are announced.
Why is it our favourite time of the year? Because we know that from hereon in, it’s going to be a whistlestop pedal-to-the-metal seven-month funride until the bands eventually chosen to go into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame get properly inducted. Seven months. Seven poxy months that we’ll never get back. Fun.
So who could be going into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year? Why only Run-DMC, Metallica, The Stooges, Jeff Beck, Wanda Jackson, Chic, Little Anthony And The Imperials, Bobby Womack and War. That’s War the concept of organised military disputes between feuding nations and not War the 1970s jazz-funk fusion band responsible for hits like Why Can’t We Be Friends, by the way. That struck us as weird, too.
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It's our favourite time of the year - the time when the shortlisted nominees for next year's induction to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are announced.
Why is it our favourite time of the year? Because we know that from hereon in, it's going to be a whistlestop pedal-to-the-metal seven-month funride until the bands eventually chosen to go into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame get properly inducted. Seven months. Seven poxy months that we'll never get back. Fun.
So who could be going into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year? Why only Run-DMC, Metallica, The Stooges, Jeff Beck, Wanda Jackson, Chic, Little Anthony And The Imperials, Bobby Womack and War. That's War the concept of organised military disputes between feuding nations and not War the 1970s jazz-funk fusion band responsible for hits like Why Can't We Be Friends, by the way. That struck us as weird, too.
For thousands of years, Afghanistan has weathered a near-constant stream of violent invasions. Why? Because Jude Law wasn’t around to sort them all out, obviously.
But luckily that’s all changed now. Jude Law went to Afghanistan on a mission of peace yesterday, to call for a one-day ceasefire that would allow food deliveries and vaccinations to take place. But only if it’s called The First Annual Ceasefire And We Love Jude Law Day and everyone is given a Jude Law mask and a badge that says ‘Jude Law Is My Hero And Also A Fairly Underrated Actor’.
That’s a lie. But while Jude Law’s Afghan peace visit might seem like an embarrassingly hopeless display of celebrity vanity, it might just work. After all, it’s a little-known fact that the Taliban universally considers Jude Law’s portrayal of a sexy robot prostitute in AI to be the pinnacle of artistic achievement in all of history. It might work after all!
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Historians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon's wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.
And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole's husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole's arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.
That's right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there'd be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they're not, then.
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The feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck was one that not even the most hardcore pervert could have imagined turning sexual.
But that's exactly what has hap… no, we're only joking. Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck aren't fighting any more, but only because Rosie though to send Elisabeth's newborn some gifts.
Still, we had you with the sex thing, right? Right?
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