This is the second week of us throwing open the floodgates of the internet to you people. Seen something exciting, interesting, plain weird or even just funny enough to draw a snort of laughter from Christopher Biggins? Well, give Dep Ed Michael a shout and he’ll put them in here and allow people to bask in your browsing glory.

10. Oldie-but-a-goodie this week comes from @sianrosanna. It’s Cake Wrecks.

9. Here’s a good old BBC show by Jonathan Meades in which he goes around Scotland’s football towns. The ones that wouldn’t show up on a Sat Nav.

8. @CheShA knows as well as we do that you all want to see Captain Kirk’s masculine fighting style. Why not learn it yourself?

7. Baseball! Everyone’s heard of it, thanks to Kevin Costner’s awareness-raising film ‘Field Of Dreams’ but what’s it actually all about? Who gives a flying spanner? @_Cabble found this video of the World Series logo flying out of an umpire’s arse. BEAT THAT, CRICKET!

6. You lot really adore kittens, don’t you? Is it their inability to grasp grammar or their cute, fuzzy faces? Who cares. @Janikakakaka sent in some kittens on album covers.

5. In what could be a confession, @jacksonliam sent us this story about a man that wants to spill his filthy man-seed in every Starbucks in New York. That’s 298 Starbucks.

4. @MelReeve told us about badly placed stickers. We can’t help but feel some of these may have been deliberate.

3. Life! Death! Top Tips! We can’t remember who sent us this but it’s bloody great.

2. Our favourite Republican nuthouse Herman Cain has gone on Jimmy Kimmel Live to say he hasn’t been touching women up. He didn’t. Republicans don’t believe it. It makes them horny.

1. A review of Immortals by @JM_Underwood. To be fair, he didn’t send this to us because that would be massively narcissistic and we don’t encourage that kind of nonsense here. We can’t ever show you it though. Because the film is so laughably terrible, John’s review was removed from the site under the terms of the embargo. Here at hecklerspray, we’re not bound by that embargo so we’d like to say, not only is Immortals a terrible film but we demand justice for John’s review.

When someone offers you something for free, there’s usually a catch.

But not always. Just last week a Chinese businessman said we could inherit $10,000,000 if we gave him some bank details. We did and now we’re just waiting to see the cheque arrive in the post. And some people thought we were stupid. 

Now a new offer has caught our eye, which couldn’t be better for the thousands of single and horny blokes out there. If you’ve missed out on tickets to this year's festivals like T In The Park, V and Glastonbury, you can still get a chance to go. All you have to do is wank! Yes simply place your man sap in a jar, send it off and you could be experiencing the joys of festivals around Europe. Sorry ladies, it’s a no go for you. But why not try and water some mayonnaise down and pass it off as your own reproductive bodily fluid anyway? 

Honestly, this doesn’t appear to be an offer from some sort of mad fetishist who wants samples of sperm delivered to his home so he can bath in it or something. It’s quite the opposite of that actually. Whilst Ireland is full of leprechauns, Guinness, pikeys and rubbish preaching rock stars, it is short on one thing. Sperm. And this essential ingredient that is needed for everyone to reproduce is in short supply.

Everyone loves the Irish. Without them we wouldn’t have a pointless excuse to neck countless pints of Guinness for a novelty hat. Would we really want to see them disappear off the face of the planet? As the NME reports: 

“Sperm donors are to be offered free tickets to any music festival in Europe under a new initiative. Irish stocks are apparently dwindling, with demand far higher than is sustainable, and donations down by 40% over the last four years.” 

In hecklerspray’s opinion, all that’s needed is a quick rally round from his holiness the Pope. Who needs sperm reserves to create babies when he can scare the shit out of perfectly fertile Irish people in order to mate? All he needs to do is tell the people of Ireland is that they’ll all burn in hell if they continue to whip on a condom before doing the sex.

Rallying the men of Europe to donate their love milk could have quite comical effect. Irish females can now literally go shopping for their baby’s perfect look. They may already have a half-Irish, half-Spanish child but it wouldn’t be complete without the introduction of an Irish-Russian brother or sister. It has all the makings of a bad sitcom. Think of it as the Brady Bunch for a modern generation. 

Yes, enjoy the free festival tickets now! But one day it may be a bit awkward when there’s a knock on the door and your offspring is there. How are you going to break it too little Danny or Sarah that the only reason there alive is because you wanted to see The Verve headline Glastonbury? Chances are they’ll hate you for wanting to see The Verve more than anything else. Oh, and then of course there could be the small problem of child maintenance payments. Start saving now. Your fun of throwing bottles of piss at shit bands could be short-lived when you have to fork out money to help the child you didn’t really want battle everything from bullying to alcoholism. 

Read more: 

Sperm donors offered free festival tickets – NME