Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”

There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.

And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.

Before we start, if you’d like to try your hand at the official UK Citizenship Test, you’ll find 24 impossible questions over at ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk

If you’ve followed that link and failed miserably, try our questions on for size.

Obviously, they’re much more relevant to being One Of Us than any stupid set of questions set by some faceless goon in a drab grey suit in some beige office somewhere.

Okay? LETZGO!

1. Everybody hates?

a) Chris.

b) Man United

2. When holidaying outside of the UK, what is the best way to converse with foreigners?

a) Learn key phrases and try your best to join in.

b) Shout loudly in English while horrifically drunk while wiping the fried egg from your football shirt.

3. What is the best way of finding out whether someone from Northern Ireland is Catholic or Protestant?

a) Engage them in conversation about The Troubles and, without judging them, ask which side of the fence they happen to be on without assuming they’re all terrorists.

b) Ask them if they support Celtic or Rangers.

4. What’s the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League?

a) Geographical and class differences are often cited, but really, it’s a slight difference in rules.

b) They’re both stupid sports for idiots, so who really cares?

5.What do you think of the Royal Family?

a) They’re a fabulous institution.

b) Kill them. All of them.

6. What is irony?

a) A use of words which convey a meaning that is the opposite of the literal meaning, used for comedic effect. Often confused with sarcasm.

b) Typing LOL at the end of tweets.

7. What is suitable summer wear in the UK?

a) Linen trousers. Straw boaters. Striped blazers. Anything that goes with Pimms and a dappled day.

b) Deep sea diver outfit.

8. You meet a Welshman. What do you say?

a) Bore da! Twll dîn pob Sais!

b) Anything that implies they have sexual relations with sheep.

9. The Scottish are best known for what?

a) A wicked sense of humour, ruddy faces and a people of innovation and industry.

b) Alcoholics.

10. What do English people think of other English people?

a) They identify with each other and embrace the similarities and differences, acknowledging the wide gene pool which made the nation so powerful over the centuries.

b) Unequivocal hatred, regardless.

10. What is the pinnacle of the UK’s achievements?

a) Huge leaps in medicine, industry and technology. The UK is a leader, always willing to adapt to change.

b) Only Fools and Horses.

11. The X Factor is watched by?

a) A huge number of people who are interested in the juxtaposition between a televised talent show and the reality format made famous by shows like Big Brother.

b) People who hate it.

12. If England celebrated St George’s Day, it would do it how?

a) A uniquely English and eccentric celebration of folk traditions like Morris Dancing, followed by the drinking of real ale and singing of ancient English folk songs. Just like the Irish and Scottish do when celebrating their own heritage!

b) Middle eastern kebabs, Belgian lager, American pop music and overt racism.

13. Politicians are defined how?

a) Groups of people unified by their collective ideologies who aim to look after everyone in the UK the best they can.

b) They’re all posh liars.

14. Teachers have it easy. They do sod-all work and have loads of holidays. GCSEs are too easy as well. We’d be better off without them. Shirkers and hippies the lot of ‘em.

a) False

b) True

15. Sexism is…?

a) A problem that is being taken very seriously by citizens of the UK. Progress is being made toward breaking the ‘glass-ceiling’.

b) Funny and prevalent on British gameshows.

16. People in the UK see their cars as an absolute and divine right. Walking is for losers. Petrol should be really cheap as well, regardless of the fact there’s about a litre of it left.

a) False

b) True

17. Eurovision?

a) A fun night in watching music from all over Europe.

b) It’s a fix. Stupid foreigners and their tactical voting. Also, bring back Wogan.

18. In the mornings, UK residents sit down and watch a man called Jeremy Kyle berate working-class people in such a manner that one judge called the whole spectacle ‘human bear-baiting’. Despite being one of the most appalling humans to have ever grace television screen, Jeremy Kyle is well-paid and keeps getting more work.

a) False

b) True

19. The London 2012 games is a huge source of pride for UK residents.

a) Of course it is. The Olympics is an amazing showcase of human endeavour and achievement. To host it is an honour that will resonate for centuries.

b) It’s going to be awful and we will absolutely cock it up.

20. Calling someone who is to the left of the political spectrum ‘liberal’ is a gigantic insult.

a) False

b) True

21. When a famous person dies, what is the first thing you should do?

a) Take a moment of reflection to ponder on what they gave to us and think about our own mortality.

b) Compose a humorous text or tweet.

22. What is the main appeal of cricket?

a) It’s a wonderful game of tactics, flair and patience.

b) It sounds nice when they hit the ball.

23. What does the editorial policy of the Daily Mail?

a) To cover current events and affairs in an even handed way, with a slight leaning to the right of the political spectrum.

b) Free CDs and fear.

24. Do you like queuing?

a) No. It’s a pain.

b) Yes. Complaining is great too. Can I do both at the same time please?

If you answered mostly As, then sorry. You’ll have to go back to whichever country you came. You clearly haven’t been paying attention.

If you answered mostly Bs, then here’s your pint of Stella and fondness for pie. Welcome aboard!

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They sound like Brian Adams if he’d sat Politics 101 and hop around in Richey Edwards presumed grave, piddling out the most pedestrian piffle ever slopped onto a guitar solo. They are the Manic Street Preachers and they’re opening and closing their mouths again.

Oh joy.

Fact is, these bloated oafs have been bothering everyone for what feels like a millennia, and now they’re going to go away… and potentially never come back according to chief skipping rope enthusiast, Nicky Wire.

The Manics are taking a nice holiday from music and are concerned there won’t be a music industry to return to. Ear-owners are, of course, concerned about the return of MSP albums more, worried that they’ll come back to us with some wishy-washy stadium indie that about communism or some junk.

Before they go, the band will be having a show in London (you would’ve thought these proud Welshmen would’ve done something in Cardiff, but there you go) where they’ll play every single they have released. Yes. Including the woeful tourist board friendly ‘Australia’.

Bass player Nicky Wire says:

“I think the greatest hits is completing the end of the second great cycle of Manic Street Preachers.”

Great cycle? Spin cycle more like.

“Hopefully there will be a third, but we’ve got a job to take on to do that. And who knows what we’ll be left with in terms of a music industry by then? We’ll just have to wait and see.”

As for this farewell thing, Wire sounded like a man ready to retire completely.

“We’ve never done anything on this scale before. It’s going to be an immense project, production-wise, screens, videos, you name it, you know it’ll be a completely unique thing. And we’ll never do it again. Its’ really, kind of, finishing up.”

You can almost hear the pathetic tearing of flesh as sycophantic Manics’ fans carve ’4 Real’ in their pale arms, can’t you?

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Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What’s that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn’t Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.

But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.

These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn’t last and soon split. So what’s the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?

If you clicked the jump to find out the answer, then you’ll probably be disappointed. Gavin Henson won’t be asking his mum what shirt goes well with stone washed denim jeans when it comes to impressing a girl down the local disco. After all, he is a D-list celebrity and is now hell-bent on finding any grain of work after having to put up with Charlotte Church for however long they were together.

We’re not sure what attracted Henson and Church to each other. They’re both from Wales, so could it be that some sort of law that stops breeding with other nations so the national accent can’t be lost? Charlotte was once an angelic church singer who gave performances for presidents and other world leaders. Then she got older and discovered the joys of the pub. Presumably, a more grown up Charlotte wanted to venture in to pastures new and decided to sing pop songs. This worked for a while, and then her career collapsed like an old lung.

This left poor Gavin looking for something else to keep his weird face in the spotlight. Step forward, reality TV!

For anyone unfamiliar with The Bachelor, it’s basically an American dating show where Gavin Henson looks to pick the right girl. Hilariously, there are 25 of the critters to pick from, so expect crying, bitching and fights as all the ladies backstab and scheme in order to get their man who they love and are not solely going after then for fame, money or a spread in Zoo Magazine.

For anyone that’s seen A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila, the show will be like that, just without the lesbians. Though somebody might be persuaded by a producer to indulge in some lesbian experimentation, after all the show is being broadcast on Channel 5. No doubt the program will be billed as “edgy”, “exciting” and “fast paced.” In reality, we’ll gain more pleasure from whipping our genitals with barbed wire.

In case you care, Henson lied through his veneered teeth:

“I’m so excited to have been cast as The Bachelor as I really feel the time is right for me to find a girl to hopefully spend the rest of my life with. I’ve always been dedicated to my rugby and continue to train hard but as the season draws to an end I can focus on meeting the right girl. It can be hard in my situation to meet women and The Bachelor will give me the unique opportunity to go on some incredible dates and spend quality time getting to know amazing women from all over the UK.”

We’ll give any romance that blossoms from this grim program around two weeks before it wilts and dies. Unfortunately, it’ll also mean an eruption of Charlotte Church quotes as she slags off Gavin Henson for doing this project and she’ll no doubt call the chosen girl an ugly munter and complain that she isn’t as pretty as her.

We don’t know when this arrives to Channel 5. And we don’t care, so tough.

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Are you a fan of turgid, pedestrian, Bryan Adams-sounding cod-political stadium indie music? Well you must be a fan of the Manic Street Preachers then! Or U2. Or Coldplay. We’d add Senser, but they only filled the ‘cod-political’ bit.

Anyway, we’re here to talk about The Manics and specifically, World’s Worst Bass Player and skipping/eyeliner fan, Nicky Wire who would like to make some money with a book of badly taken photographs.

That’s right Manics fans! Wire has been taking polaroids throughout the band’s tedious 25-year-career which are going to be collated into two volumes, the first of which will be called ‘Death of The Polaroid: A Manics Family Album’. Feel free to start speculating about the whereabouts of the obviously deceased Richie Edwards.

The photos start from the band’s beginnings as a dreary combination of glam, The Clash and Guns ‘n’ Roses when they made the awful ‘Generation Terrorists’, right through to when they were as thin as bulimic coat hangers recording the occasionally harrowing ‘The Holy Bible’, right up to their latest album which hardly anyone has heard, ‘Postcards From a Young Man’.

Speaking of the book, Wire sez:

“You see the unfolding and unraveling, really, of four kids that kind of grew up in a bedroom, dreaming of taking over the world. I’m hoping it will be really engaging and really tactile.”

Gah. Of course it’ll be tactile you idiot. It’s a book. A book you pick up with your hands.

Nicky added:

“Obviously the amount of travelling you see in the book – from Blackwood to Japan and back, is pretty amazing.

“I think the genius of Polaroid is you can pinpoint a memory really easily, and our fans are just as dedicated as we are in that sense, so I think they’ll just look at the book and be able to associate a memory with it as well.”

Or, if you use it as a flip-book, you can watch James Dean Bradfield’s stomach expand in a hilarious manner. Anyway, if you’re stupid enough to be interested, ‘Death Of The Polaroid: A Manics Family Album’ will be published in November.

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Hear that noise? That tiny high-pitched squeaking noise? That’s us farting in terror at the realisation that a new series of X Factor is just weeks away.

Because every year it’s always the bloody same – week after week of listening to turgid Whitney Houston cover versions sung by blubbering personality voids, all preceded by Simon Cowell going on a whistlestop tour of the country to tell everyone in each region that they’re awful at singing and should probably try killing themselves.

Most recently, Simon Cowell has been to Wales. Cue predictable outrage in 5, 4, 3, 2…

You know when we said that X Factor is always the same? Actually that’s a bit of a lie – there’s one major difference this year. And that’s that Sharon Osbourne has been replaced by Cheryl Cole as an X Factor judge. So instead of a shrieking batty old lady, X Factor hopefuls will be assessed in part by a slightly younger lady who looks like she’s mugged a Rochester prostitute for her outfit.

Other than that, though, X Factor is exactly the same. Exactly. And that means that this is the time of year when Simon Cowell arbitrarily singles out one region of the country for abuse because it’ll get him in the papers and remind people that a new season of X Factor is just around the corner.

And this year it seems like Wales is the region in line for a Simon Cowell kicking. You know, Wales – the country that’s produced world-beating singers like Tom Jones, Shirley Bassey, that bloke out of The Stereophonics and, according to Wikipedia, Lisa Scott-Lee. And nobody else.

You see, even though Wales is widely called the land of song – admittedly mainly by the Welsh themselves – Simon Cowell would literally rather shoot himself in the face with a maritime cannon than listen to anyone from Wales so much as hum a power ballad.

Wales, Simon Cowell has heard you sing. And he thinks you’re shit. He told Wales On Sunday:

“Talent was in the minority in Wales. There were about two good girls but we saw a lot of people who were really bad. Don’t blame me when you see the show and you’re let down.” Louis Walsh said that he had hoped to discover the next Tom Jones but got “Bonnie Tyler” instead. “On a scale of one to 10, I would give the talent in Wales a three.”

Luckily the Welsh are well-known for their reasoned debate and their unwillingness to let blind frothing patriotism get in the way of constructive criticism, as the reaction of Welsh theatre school owner Maureen Evans proves:

“I think they are being very petty and are just trying to knock us… Right now, I have this amazing nine-year-old student who plays the piano and violin wonderfully. I could go out now and find the talent myself. I think anyone could because there’s so much of it in Wales. I’m a million per cent Welsh and feel very strongly about this.”

A million per cent Welsh. She’s literally ten thousand times more Welsh than it’s physically possible to be. You just can’t argue with someone as Welsh as that.

However, we’re going to have to side with Simon Cowell on this matter. We don’t know how good Welsh people are at singing in general, but we’d cheerfully back anyone who’ll reduce the chances of us having to sit through another sodding Rhydian Roberts this year.

There are times in life when things look bad, when you don't see the point in much and when, well, you just downright hate things.

Then something happens that picks you up, makes you happy again and fills you with a beaming smile that somehow manages to envelop your entire body, filling your whole physical presence with joy from head to toe.

Take, for example, when a UFO sighting was reported somewhere in Wales, and this police radio conversation was conducted:

Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"

Officer: "Yes, it's the Moon. Over."

hecklerspray loves you, Wales.

Original Story (BBC)