Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”
There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.
And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.
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They sound like Brian Adams if he’d sat Politics 101 and hop around in Richey Edwards presumed grave, piddling out the most pedestrian piffle ever slopped onto a guitar solo. They are the Manic Street Preachers and they’re opening and closing their mouths again.
Oh joy.
Fact is, these bloated oafs have been bothering everyone for what feels like a millennia, and now they’re going to go away… and potentially never come back according to chief skipping rope enthusiast, Nicky Wire.
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Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What’s that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn’t Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.
But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.
These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn’t last and soon split. So what’s the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?
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Are you a fan of turgid, pedestrian, Bryan Adams-sounding cod-political stadium indie music? Well you must be a fan of the Manic Street Preachers then! Or U2. Or Coldplay. We’d add Senser, but they only filled the ‘cod-political’ bit.
Anyway, we’re here to talk about The Manics and specifically, World’s Worst Bass Player and skipping/eyeliner fan, Nicky Wire who would like to make some money with a book of badly taken photographs.
That’s right Manics fans! Wire has been taking polaroids throughout the band’s tedious 25-year-career which are going to be collated into two volumes, the first of which will be called ‘Death of The Polaroid: A Manics Family Album’. Feel free to start speculating about the whereabouts of the obviously deceased Richie Edwards.
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Hear that noise? That tiny high-pitched squeaking noise? That’s us farting in terror at the realisation that a new series of X Factor is just weeks away.
Because every year it’s always the bloody same – week after week of listening to turgid Whitney Houston cover versions sung by blubbering personality voids, all preceded by Simon Cowell going on a whistlestop tour of the country to tell everyone in each region that they’re awful at singing and should probably try killing themselves.
Most recently, Simon Cowell has been to Wales. Cue predictable outrage in 5, 4, 3, 2…
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There are times in life when things look bad, when you don't see the point in much and when, well, you just downright hate things.
Then something happens that picks you up, makes you happy again and fills you with a beaming smile that somehow manages to envelop your entire body, filling your whole physical presence with joy from head to toe.
Take, for example, when a UFO sighting was reported somewhere in Wales, and this police radio conversation was conducted:
Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"
Officer: "Yes, it's the Moon. Over."
hecklerspray loves you, Wales.
Original Story (BBC)
