This is all theoretical, of course, but we think the temporary surge of power must have been so invigorating he just wanted more. He wanted his strength tested. In his mind’s eye he probably saw himself physically beating up all kinds of things that would be awesome to beat up, like King Kong and a string of zombie popes.

And the US military. But a judge just ended that last dream forever.

When Kid Rock (Robert Ritchie) beat up every single living thing inside a Georgia Waffle House for either several days in a row or just a few minutes, he got arrested and taken to jail. Once there he used his awesome beady eye/moustache combo to seduce the guards and escape to freedom. When the guards snapped out of their trance they realised two things – they were covered in mullet-shaped hickeys and the prisoner hadn’t so much escaped as he’d been sentenced to something or other.

That something or other, incidentally, was community service. When his first idea for specifically what to do got shot down, he wasn’t all that surprised. After all, as we’ve heard it that idea was to invite children to his house so he could teach them how to look at pictures of naked tractors. No judge would allow that. But then when his second suggestion got shot down too, well, Kid Rock thought it was just ridiculous.

He wanted to fill all his hours of forced labour with singing songs at the Army, but the powers that be simply wouldn’t allow it. In his own words:

“Apparently [the judge] thinks it’s more important that I do something else rather than sing, shake hands, take pictures and spend time with the men and women who put themselves in harm’s way to protect the very freedom he and all of us live by…I really take it as a slap in the face, and really have trouble thinking of a better way to ’serve the community.’”

We imagine the initial judge/Ritchie conversation went something like this:

Kid Rock: Judge, for my community service I’d like to play for the troops.

Judge: Now, I think those guys have been through enough.

If Kid Rock wants some community service ideas, all he has to do is read some hecklerspray back-stories. He could mop things like Naomi Campbell, he could teach kids about guns like T.I., or he could do whatever it was that Boy George got ordered to do. Which we think had something to do with imprisoning Swedes in his mansion and then rubbing his tenders all over their chained faces for 80 hours or more. All of that was allegedly under the supervision of some sort of a parole officer.

Allegedly again.

Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.

Yes, everyone’s favourite rock… star? Well, whatever he is, young Robert J Ritchie has been found guilty on one charge of battery by those that make these kind of decisions. ‘Courts’, apparently. Pamela Anderson’s ex-hubby has been sentenced to 12 months probation, 80 hours community service, six hours of anger management classes and presumably has been banned from eating waffles, as they seem to make him go crazy. Kid was also handed a whopping $1,000 (about £500, as fans of stronger currencies are sure to know) fine to make his misery complete, and this final blow is sure to cripple the 37-year-old financially, leaving him destitute and alone.

Maybe.

Regardless, nothing can take away from the fact that Kid Rock was charged, after pleading a no contest, with the crime of battery. In an eatery that specialises in batter-based consumables. Hecklerspray is sure that the irony was not only intentional, but also a subtle viral marketing technique to get word of Rock’s new album out to the masses, as well as secretly encouraging us all to go out and eat some fried batter. Those marketing whores – we see through you. We know all.

The incident occurred last October and involved members of Rock’s crew, two of whom received similar charges to Captain Kid, who had originally pleaded not guilty. Though his crew probably didn’t get handed the incredible six hours of anger management, which is sure to have absolutely no effect whatsoever. Because it’s six hours of anger management. At least it isn’t six hours of the film Anger Management, as that would likely have completely the opposite effect to that originally intended.

The one-time American bad ass, whatever that may imply, has been on the receiving end of some rare positive press in recent months, with the success and popularity of his new album both surprising and confusing the opinion-makers out there. We at hecklerspray are not confused, however, as it is clear to see that directly ripping off ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ in the most brazen way possible, not trying to hide it, going so far as to sampling the original in said rip off, then having a bit of a ruckus in a Waffle House is the way to a million-selling record.

Right, where’s that copy of Dance e-Jay? The hecklerspray version of ‘Freebird’ needs to be made. Though we don’t seem to have any Waffle Houses nearby… will a fracas in a Dixie Chicken work as well, or does it have to be battery in a batter-based business? Damn.

Kid Rock seems to have his eye on the last one, because everything he does seems to revolve around waffles. Not content with allegedly smashing up a Waffle House in a fight recently, Kid Rock has now played a benefit show in one.

Waffles, that's all you ever get from Kid Rock these days. Anyone would think he was a Belgian if it weren't for his rubbish haircut, funny accent and suspect-looking hygiene practises. Wait a minute, all Belgians have all of those things too – throw in a side-job moonlighting as a motorway service station toilet attendant who won't let you go for a piss unless you first drop a coin into his grubby polystyrene cup and we'd be convinced that Kid Rock was Belgian through and through.

Kid Rock is never short of a controversy or two, whether they involve fighting other idiots, alleged marital strife or disgusting Creed-heavy sex tapes. We think this is because Kid Rock relies on these controversies to keep everyone's mind off his terrible redneck music, which is why he's always so keen to find more of them. 

And last year Kid Rock struck upon a controversy goldmine in the Waffle House – a fast food chain that seems to specialise in frying up trembling wads of cholesterol, melting cheese on top of it and then cruelly charging you to put it in your mouth.

Back in October Kid Rock was arrested in a Waffle House near Atlanta after allegedly beating up a man who looked at his woman and causing criminal damage to the restaurant. Kid Rock has since pleaded not guilty to the charges, but still faces a year in jail if he's convicted.

So now Kid Rock has decided to do right by the Waffle House by playing a benefit for a local charity there last night. It's an incredibly sweet thing to do, and at least Kid Rock didn't balls everything up by boiling everything down to insulting talk of markets like some sort of goonish Alan Sugar figure or anything. People reports:

Rock said Tuesday that the benefit was the perfect opportunity put a positive spin on the waffle house experience. "The first situation was silly. Atlanta has always been a great market for us and we have made a lot of money here," he said between taking pictures and signing tour memorabilia for fans. "We got so much press from the last incident that we decided to not let it lay where was and turn it into something good."

Oh Kid Rock! Look what you've done! Anyway, as much as we mock, Kid Rock claims that his benefit raised around $15,000 for the charity or – in layman's terms – just about enough money to let him off with a slapped wrist if he gets convicted of his charges. But Kid Rock is just pleased to have done some good in the community:

"I like to take opportunities that might not be so positive and turn it
around. To me, the glass is always half full."

Unless it's a glass of booze, obviously, in which case Kid Rock has drained it and using it to smash your brains in with. He'll fight you. HE'LL FIGHT YOU!

Allegedly.

Read more:

Fans Flock as Kid Rock Appears at Waffle House – People 

Unless he didn't smack anyone over the head with a chair. And yesterday, Kid Rock pleaded not guilty to that exact thing.

Kid Rock appeared before an Atlanta court yesterday to plead not guilty to five counts of battery and one count of simple battery following his alleged involvement in a Waffle House in October. If found guilty, not only will Kid Rock face a year in jail, but it'll also give Waffle House the chance to roll out its 'Waffle House: Fuelling Shit-Thick Redneck Dust-Ups Since 2007' ad campaign it's been so excited about lately.

Kid Rock likes to call himself many things. He's a cowboy, he's the rock n roll Jesus, he's Pamela Anderson's angriest husband and he's the star of the sex tape that we're most thankful never to have seen. But if there's one thing that Kid Rock isn't, he says, it's an aggressive Waffle House patron. 

There are, however, people who argue to the contrary. Like the police. Last October, Kid Rock was arrested for beating up a man in a Waffle House because a man was looking at his woman or he was looking at a man's woman or he was looking at a woman's man or everybody was looking at each other's waffles or something.

Whatever happened, a Waffle House window ended up getting smashed and a man was kicked, punched and hit with a chair. But Kid Rock says it wasn't anything to do with him, as Reuters reports:

Rock, born Robert Ritchie, pleaded not guilty to five counts of battery and one count of simple battery stemming from the late-night incident at a DeKalb County Waffle House in October, according to DeKalb Solicitor-General Robert James… If convicted of the misdemeanors, Rock could face up to one year in jail plus a $1,000 fine for each charge, public information officer Artealia Gilliard said.

A year in jail seems like an awfully harsh sentence just for attacking a man in a Waffle House. After all, what's the point of even opening an all-night chain of diner-style fast food restaurants if you don't want to see gangs of toothless straggle-haired jumped-up fairground workers attacking each other with chairs? What else do they expect them to do? Eat the food?

Either way, we're not sure if Kid Rock really is not guilty of his charges or if he's just trying to force the prosecutors into offering him a plea deal that'll see him escape with community service. Hopefully it's the latter, because Kid Rock has so much to offer the community at large. Plus if there's even a sliver of a chance that the punishment would force Kid Rock into calling his next album Rock N Roll Menial Roadsweep, then it's clear that's what should be done.

Read more:

Kid Rock pleads not guilty over fight – Reuters