As Kid Rock probably wrapped his mullet around an enemy’s neck for the purpose of strangulation that night in a Waffle House, well that must have felt pretty good.
This is all theoretical, of course, but we think the temporary surge of power must have been so invigorating he just wanted more. He wanted his strength tested. In his mind’s eye he probably saw himself physically beating up all kinds of things that would be awesome to beat up, like King Kong and a string of zombie popes.
And the US military. But a judge just ended that last dream forever.
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We always find it hard to take when, after a long, arduous gig in front of thousands of our fans, the local waffle house we visit doesn’t have enough cream, strawberries or maple syrup to coat our tasty treats. So much so that we sometimes raise issue with it, politely make our points, then leave in something of a huff.
Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.
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If you were angling for an endorsement deal, what would go for? Cars? Speedboats? Batter-based breakfast delicacies?
Kid Rock seems to have his eye on the last one, because everything he does seems to revolve around waffles. Not content with allegedly smashing up a Waffle House in a fight recently, Kid Rock has now played a benefit show in one.
Waffles, that's all you ever get from Kid Rock these days. Anyone would think he was a Belgian if it weren't for his rubbish haircut, funny accent and suspect-looking hygiene practises. Wait a minute, all Belgians have all of those things too – throw in a side-job moonlighting as a motorway service station toilet attendant who won't let you go for a piss unless you first drop a coin into his grubby polystyrene cup and we'd be convinced that Kid Rock was Belgian through and through.
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There's an old saying that goes 'Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, but give a redneck a waffle and he'll smack you on the head with a chair'.
Unless he didn't smack anyone over the head with a chair. And yesterday, Kid Rock pleaded not guilty to that exact thing.
Kid Rock appeared before an Atlanta court yesterday to plead not guilty to five counts of battery and one count of simple battery following his alleged involvement in a Waffle House in October. If found guilty, not only will Kid Rock face a year in jail, but it'll also give Waffle House the chance to roll out its 'Waffle House: Fuelling Shit-Thick Redneck Dust-Ups Since 2007' ad campaign it's been so excited about lately.
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