If there’s one thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s starring in hopeless romantic comedies that are only enjoyed by hairdressers and idiots.

But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.

However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.

Jennifer Lopez, as we think we probably just stated, loves weddings. She loves weddings so much that not only does she have it written into her contracts that all her movies have to end with a wedding regardless of whether they’re romantic comedies, revenge dramas about domestic abuse or weird bits of nonsense about her flying around inside a serial killer’s comatose brain.

Jennifer Lopez loves wedding so much that she’ll marry anyone. Literally anyone. People who’ll write books about her after they divorce, no-mark backup dancers. Anyone. Literally anyone. Well, not Ben Affleck, obviously. She’s not mental or anything.

Despite this, though, Jennifer Lopez seems to have found her soulmate in Marc Anthony. They do everything together – go on tour together, procreate together, make bad films together. Raise dogs to allegedly attack air stewardesses together. It’s sweet. But it means that Jennifer Lopez is less likely to divorce Marc Anthony and marry someone else who looks even more like Gollum.

It’s a predicament and no mistake – on one hand there’s eternal happiness with a man she loves and on the other hand is a new box of wedding gift napkin rings. How’s a girl supposed to decide between those two?

So Jennifer Lopez has opted for a happy compromise – this weekend, she renewed her marriage vows with Marc Anthony in a weird double ceremony with New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran in Las Vegas. People reports:

Wearing a black dress, Lopez looked “beautiful” as 12 people witnessed the ceremony, the source said. “Her parents didn’t even see it because they were with the babies.” Following the nuptials, a butler opened a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne for the newly re-married couples.

If that’s not the definition of romance, we don’t know what is. Dumping your kids on your parents so you can publicly treat your marriage like an expired insurance policy even though you only got married about five minutes ago anyway? Nice.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Really, we’re thrilled for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. In fact, we think that they should go away somewhere exotic to renew their marriage vows every single week. Because that’d probably stop Jennifer Lopez from making any more bad films or songs, and that way we sort of all get something out of it.

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are a bit like a soap opera. A really shit soap opera that seems to just comprise of one single episode repeated four times daily until the end of time even though people would rather watch kitten torture instead because it’s less harrowing.

But at least we thought we knew where Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were going. Ever since Blake’s been in prison for allegedly perverting the course of justice all over some bloke’s face, Amy Winehouse has allegedly found comfort in the arms of other men.

Well, OK, not men exactly – little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and Cousin Itt and someone’s grotty-looking grandpa to be more precise – but it doesn’t matter. To the casual observer, the signs were clear – Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were on the outs.

Except now they’re apparently not. Apparently Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have fallen in love again and want to renew their marriage vows in an effort to prove to the world that they’re committed to one another. It’s either a case of absence making the heart grow stronger or Class A drugs making the brain grow stupider, but we’ll let The Sunday Mirror carry on for us:

A source said: “Amy and Blake are more determined than ever to show the world they are together. As soon as he is out they will be renewing their wedding vows – they want to put two fingers up to those who want them apart.” The source added: “They want another wedding, a family and are even planning to set up a business together.”

Memorise that paragraph, everyone, because we don’t think a string of words has ever been put together more perfectly. You’d think that a quicker way of putting two fingers up to those who want them apart would be for Amy Winehouse to stop being romantically linked to a brand new man every couple of days, while the thought of them starting a business just beggars belief. Unless, of course, they charge people to stay at their house and experience a kind of perpetual retelling of the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream in the flesh. There’s money in that, we’re sure.

And starting a family? Actually, that’s not such a bad idea. A baby, after all, makes the ideal unwitting drug mule. Maybe Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil aren’t so crazy after all.

Read more:

Exclusive: A second wedding for Amy Winehouse and Blake – Sunday Mirror