A momentous, world-shaping thing happened last night – we learnt that you can put a shark into a trance by holding it upside down.

Oh, and also there was something about an election. Or something. Apparently Barack Obama gets to be president of America now, and that’s something we’re putting down to the huge array of celebrities who endorsed him. True, Obama’s lack of top-level experience may be a concern, but Barbara Streisand says he’s OK, and she sang You Don’t Bring Me Flowers. Ergo he’s the best man for the job.

Just don’t tell that to Carrie Underwood. Carrie Underwood has got so sick of hearing celebrity political endorsements that she’s ranted about it to TV Guide. And rightly so – it’s wrong that celebrities get to abuse their position by publicly broadcasting their badly thought-out opinions in the mistaken belief that they’re more important than everyone else. So thank you Carrie Underwood for doing, um, that exact thing.

Well done, celebrities. Give yourselves a pat on the back. Barack Obama is going to be the next president of America, and he wouldn’t have got there without you.

Sure his inherent decency, cool-headed crisis management and clear ideological differences from the current president might have helped him a bit but, really, would Barack Obama have won the election if Diddy didn’t spin around in his garden babbling about crackheads? Of course he wouldn’t. And Pamela Anderson, for bravely screeching about Sarah Palin like an injured witch at some godawful awards show, you deserve a bloody medal or something.

It’s just a shame that Carrie Underwood doesn’t feel the same. Oh come on, you know – Carrie Underwood. She’s that vaguely redneck woman from American Idol who doesn’t eat meat. Not really a big fan of taking her clothes off. Never really done or said anything particularly interesting or worthwhile in her entire life. You know her. Or, more realistically, you don’t.

Either way, boy oh boy, is Carrie Underwood ever mad about all these celebrities banging on about their political beliefs all the time. Underwood told TV Guide:

“There is someone I do support, but I don’t support publicly. I lose all respect for celebrities when they back a candidate… It’s saying that the American public isn’t smart enough to make their own decisions. I would never want anybody to vote for anything or anybody just because I told them to.”

Carrie Underwood makes a very good point here – that you should never, ever do anything that Carrie Underwood tells you to. In fact, just to be safe, we should all probably start actively doing the precise opposite of whatever Carrie Underwood says, even if it means returning to a lit firework when she tells you not to.

That means that, when Carrie Underwood said we shouldn’t listen to celebrities who preach their worthless opinions to the public under the borderline offensive assumption that anyone cares, what she actually meant was that we should listen to them.

Phew, thank heavens for that. Because, honestly, we don’t know about you, but we wouldn’t be able to even wipe our own arse unless we heard what Matt Damon thinks about the political ramifications of various arse-wiping techniques first.

We’re red-blooded men, so if there’s one thing we like more than watching strangers have sex, it’s watching strangers have sex and then cry.

Therefore, we’ve decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week.

True, that means there’s a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night’s sleep.

Differences between Britain and America, volume 14 – on British dance-based reality TV shows, the contestants tend to be retired journalists and wholesome television presenters. In America, though, they tend to pick people who are only famous for having sex on the internet.

And that’s how Kim Kardashian ended up on Dancing With The Stars this year, alongside that other noted sex tape star, 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. We’re just kidding, Cloris Leachman has never made a sex tape. But we heard rumours about a filthy wax cylinder once.

However – and we’re not going to pretend we know how – Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night, and reacted in the same way that most of us would if we discovered that our home nation had rejected us due to our participation in a grotty little sex film a year and a bit ago. People reports:

Though she concluded the show with a playful rendition of one of their earlier dances, once the cameras were off Kardashian rushed to the waiting arms of her family and immediately broke down into tears. Kardashian’s publicist followed the inconsolable bombshell around the press line with a box of Kleenex since, once the waterworks started, there was no stopping the outpouring of genuine emotion.

Yeah, we know all about following Kim Kardashian around with a box of Kleenex, right boys? There was no stopping the general outpouring of human emotion that night! Right? Anyone? Boys? No? Anyone? Too much?

Anyway, Kim Kardashian’s partner seems to think that her innate shyness was what got her thrown off Dancing With The Stars. You see, Kim Kardashian just doesn’t like performing in front of large groups of people like that. She prefers intimacy, you know. Intimacy and a camera. Intimacy and a camera and a bloke’s ding-dong slapping around the inside of her mouth. Give her all that and Kim Kardashian probably would have won Dancing With The Stars.

Still, Kim should realise that there’s no point getting upset about being voted off a reality TV show. These moments are always a stepping stone to bigger and better things, so who knows? Maybe this time Kim Kardashian will be starring in a sex tape with two men. Or two men and a horse. Or two men and a horse and a pregnant diarrhea-stricken midget dressed as Heather Mills. The sky’s the limit.