Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.

In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.

Yes really.

Seeing as Jodie used to be a glamour model (now a woman clearly broken by the battle with Jordan/Katie Price/The Woman Who Made Peter Andre Cry), we should take note of her views on beauty. If anyone knows about all that, then it’s Jodie ‘Looks Like A Condom Full Of Conkers’ Marsh.

So now, we’ll all be wanting to look just like her, right?

Well, to achieve this look, we must follow her diet of egg whites and protein shakes while hitting the gymnasium, constantly.

Soon, we will all look like broken sideboards!

Says Jodie, with her massively muscular lower mandible:

‘I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked’

‘If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal.

‘I think I still look really feminine.’

Jodie Marsh there, with her penis waggling around. And she’s going to keep this up. This isn’t some flight of fancy. Nosireebob!

‘I feel proud when I look in the mirror’

‘I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, f*cking hell, I love it so much!’

Hands up if you can’t believe it either.

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That Amanda Knox lass and her apparently non murdering ways have grabbed all the headlines this week. Which is a shame as this whole murder in Perugia fiasco has completely overshadowed the return of Jodie Marsh.

Some new photos of Jodie, the suspected inspiration for BBC 3 smash Snog, Marry, Avoid, have surfaced that show the former glam… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!

Seriously. Click over the jump for the fright of your life.

That’s right.

Jodie Marsh has gone from a back alley slag with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles to…

…well…

…the incredible hulk with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles.

Jodie’s apparently been lifting weights for a while in a bid to shed the pounds, but has taken it to the extreme so that she could compete in the Natural Physique Association British Championships.

Although we can’t help but notice that there are two very obvious parts of her physique that aren’t natural.

As ridiculous as she may look now, we can’t help but admire Jodie for her determination to lose weight and get fit for absolutely no prof…

Oh, she’s got a new show out called Jodie Marsh: Bodybuilder? Of course she has, at least it’s better than that time she tried got get married on MTV.

As you were.

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We can now add ‘puking’ to our Justin Bieber lexicon, which is mostly comprised of words like ‘brat’, ‘foetal’, ‘pint-sized’, ‘toddler’ and ‘near-menstrual cycle’. That’s right folks! Bieber has made himself repeatedly puke during one of his own gigs!

Welcome to our world y’awful little human.

Of course, there are Beliebers out there who will argue that this bout of projectile sickery stemmed from the fact he’s working his little bendy bones way too hard or, indeed, it all underlines what a consummate professional he is, able to plough through a show, despite constant waves of nausea. But you’re wrong. He’s pukous because he’s just realised how dreadful his own music is.

Apparently, Bieber made himself violently ill during his concert in Manila (which is in the Philippines, y’idiots) last night. Reports suggest that the tiny singer left ‘the smallest puddles of sick ever seen’.

A source says:

“Backstage, the crew were amazed at how small the pools of vomit were. It was almost as if a stag-party of ants had greened their collective rings up. Amazing really.”

Justin continually had to leg it backstage Throughout his performance to share his stomach lining with the floor. He even tweeted about it.

JB tweeted:

“Sick as a dog…but the show must go on. got called a trooper. Lol.”

Justin then rattled and burped his way through a 90-minute set, later confirming how ill he’d been, tweeting:

“That show was great but tough. real sick. time to rest.”

Suppose it is easy to thwart the vomitous feeling when you’re miming though, eh?

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It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love: live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

As the sun sneaks out from behind one of his many clouds, the hot weather looks like it may arrive for one of the festivals that kick starts them all. Download is the chance for 75,000 people to gather together and rock out to leather clad men drenched in tattoos and piercings. Sounds like a bit ropey if you ask us.

Download festival means one thing: it’s the only weekend of the year when parents of angry teenagers can drop off their sprogs so they can all share a common love of hating the world together. Of course it may mean forking out over £300 for little Jimmy’s ticket, food supplies, tent, waterproof clothing and suncream but it means mum and dad can have Saturday and Sunday free of Norwegian mega death metal.

For the kids, it will be an opportunity to meet fellow angst ridden emo lovers. This gives the ideal opportunity for everyone to compare their generic star tattoos, lip piercings and why My Chemical Romance means so much to them.

Because the festival attracts a younger audience, expect a quick queue at the bar. Hopefully the Download staff will stick to alcohol laws and won’t serve beer to sixteen year old children. Though we’re sure that some young rascals will get their mucky paws on a few pints of cider and vomit up their £6 gravy and chips.

The Mr Whippy van will have to call in extra supplies of cotton candy to cope with the demand as children look for a sugary high as opposed to the one they’d get when they’d smoke cannabis cut with Oxo cubes.

Think of this festival as a massive childminding event where the entertainment isn’t a Punch and Judy show, but the screaming’s of some pissed up rock band. You’ll be lucky to see a synthesiser. Held over three says, Download offers the best new rock talent and aging crippled artists who won’t go away.

Friday – Go go go!

Kiss – You know that porn film which had Gene Simmons in it? Well boys and girls, this is what he does as a ‘proper’ job. No, he doesn’t paint faces for a living! He rocks out, probably with his cock out.

Rolo Tomassi – We love these young guns from Sheffield. They will surprise you with how loud and crazy they can be.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Motörhead - They have one song that everyone knows and that’s about it. They’ll only play it at the end of the set to make you wait.

Kid Rock – He’s an American Badass apparently. But we think of him as just an arsehole. Once upon a time he married Pamela Anderson. Go ask him about it, he probably tell you all about it.

Saturday – Go go go!

Ash – They may be cracking at the seams, but they’re always up for a song and a dance. Something which comes with bucket loads of sweat.

Biffy Clyro – Scottish rockers who don’t fall into the trap of being the same thrash metal track thirty-two times over. Ask nicely, and they may sing their version of Rhinna’s umbrella song.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pendulum – For fuck’s sake, are they booked to play at every festival this year? Just like 50 Cent playing Leeds in 2004, Pendulum are Download’s random booking.

The Offspring – Apparently we we’re wrong to label them one hit wonders. After Pretty Fly [For a White Guy] they’ve had more hits. How are they headlining?

Sunday – Go go go!

Lethal Bizzle – The guy’s amazing. His crossover blend of rock/hip-hop/electronica should appear to all. Even My Chemical Romance fans might crack a smile.

Exit Ten – One album done and many more to follow. A band to say you saw before they made it big and sold their souls to Simon Cowell.

Sunday – Avoid The Plague:

Fightstar – Get ready to piss in a bottle and launch it at Charley. The former Busted goon doesn’t really seem to fit in.

Jimmy Eat World – We don’t get them or understand their popularity.

Now that Amy Winehouse has been cleared of perverting the course of justice, it means she's able to let loose a little bit.

And unlike you, Amy Winehouse's definition of 'letting loose' doesn't involve a comfortable pair of pyjamas and a DVD box-set of Midsomer Murders. No. For Amy Winehouse to let loose she needs to gulp down however much champagne it takes for her to blast jets of fizzy vomit by the gallon around the Club Class lounge of Gatwick Airport like some sort of unstoppable industrial firehose that stinks of guts.

Because that's pretty much exactly what she's been doing.

A great man – or an old man in a mediocre film, we forget which – once said "with great power comes great responsibility" and he was dead-on. And Amy Winehouse has more responsibility than most.

You see, Amy Winehouse was the biggest Trainwreck of 2007 according to you lot, and that means she'll have to work on her Trainwreckiness harder than ever if she wants to out-do her achievements from last year. And since Amy Winehouse managed to fill her 2007 with a drug overdose, failed stints in rehab, awful live shows, a midnight stumble around London in just her bra, a spaghetti-flinging incident and a razorblade fight with her husband who's currently in jail for beating up a man and then trying to pay him off, it means she'll have to be inventive if she wants to top her past achievements.

And that means Amy Winehouse needs to be a Trainwreck all the time, even in the most mundane of places like, for instance, the club class lounge at Gatwick airport. And Amy Winehouse needs to be inventive like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, too, making use of whatever she can find to necessitate her Trainwreckish behaviour.

In other words, Amy Winehouse needs to abuse the offer of free champagne until she hurls pint after pint of hot sparkling barf all over the place until the carpet looks like some sort of smelly jacuzzi. And then if Amy Winehouse could burst into tears afterwards, that'd be grand.

Wait a minute, she's done what? Metro reports:

"Amy didn't waste any time getting stuck into the free booze. She wasn't looking well, but that didn't stop her guzzling the bubbly. She was sitting down, and just erupted vomit on the carpet… It wasn't a pretty sight. She was probably embarrassed as she immediately burst into tears and looked utterly distressed."

Now we know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Wait a minute hecklerspray, drunken behaviour in an airport? Isn't Amy Winehouse just ripping off David Hasselhoff? Shouldn't she be docked Trainwreck points for this?" And the answer is uncertain – we'll get a fuller picture of the extent to which Amy Winehouse is ripping off David Hasselhoff by waiting a few months to see if she's filmed failing to eat a burger from the floor topless.

If she is, we'll amend accordingly.

Read more:

Amy's vomit attack after champers binge – Metro