Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.

That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.

With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.

Talking to those bright folks at Marie Claire about a stupid hound, Mendes says:

“It sounds so pretentious, but he learned his commands in French.”

Are we’re supposed to coo and whoop because, as well you know, when a celebrity has a dog, we have to care like they’ve had a baby (which we also don’t care about).

Se, Mendes brought a Belgian Malinois and called it Hugo. That doesn’t matter though. She could’ve called it ‘Bestiality’ or ‘Spadooey’ or a low guttural howl, and it would’ve eventually answered to it. Either way, Hugo was apparently ”rather intimidating”, yet, instantly obeyed Mendes’s orders for him to lie down or ‘act stupid’.

This awful, wretched beast has also bought her dog a beeper-controlled behavior-modification collar, whatever that means.

And so, Hugo talks French, mainly because Mendes talks French at it. You could grab a puppy and shout ‘testicles’ at it while presenting its lead and, HEY PRESTO! It will be under the impression that the medical word for balls means it will be going for a walk.

You could shout “Sie lassen mich sich erbrechen wünschen!” at a dog while pointing at the cupboard where you keep the food, and lo! It will think that the unpleasant German phrase means its dinnertime!

In short – people who talk about dogs should be punched up the arse. Forever.

The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.

As if it wasn’t enough that she can’t get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she’s had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that

a) he’s not married and b) it’s none of their goddamn business.

Taking a break from sitting down and bellowing ballads, Adele made these words happen to her bit of the internet:

“Contrary to reports and headlines in the press today, Simon is divorced and has been for 4 years. Everyone in our lives separately and together wish us nothing but the best, and vice versa. These are the facts.”

So, that clears that up, then. He is definitely not still married, not to anyone, not even a little tiny bit married.

Now, you might ask yourself why it would even matter if he was 100% definitely still married, given that marriage in itself is an antiquated and ridiculous ritual, divorce is expensive and that opting for mere estrangement at least leaves you with one person who can’t testify against you when your participation in the biggest crystal meth ring this side of Albuquerque is finally revealed.

And well done you, for asking questions instead of dumbly buying it like you bought Adele’s album.

It doesn’t really matter either way. What matters is that his nickname is Swampy, he went to Eton, and the two of them were introduced by human pumpkin Ed Sheeran.

That’s where the real story is, people.

This article was written by Becca Day-Preston who is willing to punch you for money. Careful.

You might not enjoy the music of Adele, but when award season rolls round, she won’t have enough room in her bathroom to show them all off. With six Grammy nominations and probable Brit nods, she’s likely to sweep the board.

You can’t escape Adele’s music due to her success, and so, an extensive tour was always on the cards.

However, major chunks of the gig schedule were thrown into chaos when her voice took a turn for the worst. We imagine that punters wouldn’t want to see her sing through a robotic voice emulator on an iPhone. It might ruin a subtle ballad if she sounded like a Smash robot.

And it was Adele’s American fans who were hit by her illness the most as her ten date tour in October was completely cancelled. A few months later her tour rider has leaked online, displaying no real egotistical requests, but instead a heart warming demand that anyone receiving complimentary tickets makes a charity donation.

In the past, we’ve often wondered why solo artists specifically need to have four dressing rooms for themselves, seven bulldogs sprayed neon green and for anyone on-site to call them a different name. On a ten date tour of America, it would have been likely to see loads of freeloading journalists getting in for nothing and potentially slating her.

According to the rider, it was clearly stated that:

“Guests are asked to give a minimum of $20 “when they collect their tickets” to Sands. There will be no exception to this rule.”

Assuming that the gig cost around $40, that’s still a cheap night out than what the majority of the audience will be paying. For those interested in what the charity Sands is, it’s

“A UK based charity and supports those affected by the loss of a baby, as well as promoting research into premature death among infants.”

We don’t know the exact reasoning for Adele’s choice, but it’s a noteworthy one that only an idiot would protest to when asked to pay a small sum on the tour.

So what else did the rider cough up? Amusingly, it shows a complete disregard for American beer. Anyone who drinks Budweiser may as well use a Sodastream to make their urine fizzy. And since the beverage is the new sponsor the FA Cup, it hasn’t done any favours for itself. Adele seemingly shares our opinion as her rider stated on tour that she required.

“12 bottles of the “best quality European lager beer. ie Becks, Stella Artois, Peroni etc. North American beer is NOT acceptable”

You know Adele is serious as it’s written in shouty capital letters. Alongside the usual request of fizzy drinks, crisps and sandwiches, there isn’t really a lot to add. Though an element of mystery remains for the promoters as in the after show requests, it’s mentioned that:

“We will require food (Pizza? Sandwiches? Something more exciting?) to feed 26 hungry people.”

Something more exciting? How about a pizza sandwich? Instantly solving all of the dilemmas tours throw up.

Adele, the most successful British singer since the last British singer did well in the United States of America, has been having problems with that throat of hers. Mainly, the terrible singing that emits from it.

Sadly for Adele’s bank manager, she’s been cancelling gigs left, right and centre because there’s something wrong with her.

As such, she’s had to had surgery on her throat. THERE IS A CHANCE SHE’LL NEVER SING AGAIN! JUST IMAGINE!

Sadly for ear-owners and people without menstrual tendencies, the quack who operated on Adele’s vocal cords has hailed the surgery a success.

Regrettably, she will almost certainly be singing again really soon.

Dr. Steven Zeitels, who has previously treated Steven Tyler, Julie Andrews and Cher, performed the operation at Massachusetts General Hospital and bosses at the medical facility have now released a statement hailing the surgery a success.

We can only hope that Adele comes back sounding like Cher in ‘Believe’ ALL. THE. TIME. because that would be amazing. More amazing than Cylon and Garfunkel in Futurama.

The doctor’s statement reads:

“Adele underwent vocal cord microsurgery by Dr. Steven Zeitels to stop recurrent vocal cord haemorrhage (bleeding) from a benign polyp. This condition is typically the result of unstable blood vessels in the vocal cord that can rupture… Dr. Zeitels expects Adele to make a full recovery from her laser microsurgery.”

Benign polyp, eh? That sounds delicious.

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Some people hate James Corden. They want the ground to break open and swallow him right up, with all the “stupid” “comedy” things that he says. His amiable, cheeky chappy demeanour just rubs people up such the wrong way that not only would they not piss on him if he was on fire, but they would probably light sparklers on his burning corpse and start a carnival.

Imagine the things you’d see. The sights and sounds of burning fat spitting on possibly e.coli contaminated hotdogs. Lovely.

Whereas on the other side of the coin, there’s people who adore the ground that he walks on and will happily tune into whatever he does. These people would probably not piss on him if he was on fire. They would probably phone the fire brigade and stand idly by and bite their nails waiting for Dennis the Fire Engine to turn up. Maybe taking a picture and uploading it to Twitter, or that fancy new Google Plus. Technological mavens that they are.

Us, well we wouldn’t say one way or another how we feel about James Corden. You don’t come to Hecklerspray for angry reactionary prose about things. Imagine, right? Right.

Well Corden is doing a massive publicity drive to drum up sales for his autobiography which has a handwritten title no doubt… and what’s the best way to drum up some attention for something? Well by dressing up as a woman is how. Just look at Corrie. Once they became Transsexualisation Street, the ratings went through the roof. Not just because they made it seem to Roy Cropper wasn’t going to embark on a paedophile inspired kidnap culminating in a dash from Underworld with a toddler under each arm into a white van.

But because they were addressing ‘issues.’

Obviously Corden isn’t addressing any issues, apart from making us aware that everyone STILL loves Adele, but that doesn’t stop him from popping his penis between his legs and dragging up. Maybe they even went the whole hog (so to speak). Who knows?

Talking to Heat, between rearranging his flattened package, Corden gushed

“I love Adele so much. I find what she’s achieved and keeps achieving an inspiration to any young singer-songwriter out there. I met her on her first-ever performance on T4. You could just tell then how huge she was going to be. She’s exceptional. It makes me excited about presenting the BRITs next year, knowing that the biggest-selling female artist in the world is going to be there. And she’s part of our little island. She’s just taken over the World.”

Obviously what Corden meant to say was she’s “part of our little island” because she’s an actual counterweight so Britain doesn’t keelhaul us all into the English Channel. While Adele stays around, we can live happy without sliding into the Sea.

So let’s put our hands together for James Corden. It seems that flashing his magina keeps the Great Sea God Adele from dooming us all to a life of floating on doors and rafts made from broken settees.

It didn’t do Leonardo di Caprio so well at the end of Titanic is it? Winslet couldn’t save him from a watery grave could she? So presumably it’s just fire that she can jump through with the lithe of a thousand Batmen. And maybe when all those powers combine, Kwame is Joseph Gorden Levitt and Tom Hardy is still a hulking dick.

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Imagine just for a second that you’re Adele. You wake up to the contractual Lazy Susan of creamed pastries and important news.

As you separate your breasts from clapping together when you roll over to the eclair sideboard, you hear that someone on the X Factor is totally stealing your shtick and that song that you’ve rammed down so many throats that the Nation doesn’t have a gag reflex anymore? Well the video is out. You’d probably have a celebratory glass of whole cream as you sit down to watch it.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, end scene. Well done everyone. Take five and grab something from the green room.

If you haven’t guessed already, the video for ‘Someone Like You’ has finally been released. The video that nobody wanted filming can finally be viewed. And in our honest hecklerspraying opinion, it’s a bit of a flimsy attempt to capitalise on the, somewhat, waning mega-success that she has already had with it.

Maybe it’s because she has to pay almost half of the profits to HMRC so she wants to squeeze every last drop out of it before finally giving up the goat. Or perhaps she just wanted to go for a wander around Paris and have someone film it. Which is very arrogant isn’t it? Bad Adele, no eclairs for you.

Obviously we all know that it’s so she can release a deluxe version of ’21’ with added features like the videos and shit on there in a few months time.

To be honest though, because there’s an almost Instagram-esque haze throughout the whole video, it’s difficult to definitely say that it’s Paris that she’s about to rob of all it’s baked products. It could easily be set in Blackpool or anywhere else that has a tower in it.

Why someone in Adele’s management decided to release an official video for this song, when the performance at the Brits did the song more justice than anything anyone can create, is baffling. You can watch it here, but trust us, you’ll have a confused feeling in your stomach afterward. Like having sex with David Hasslehoff. It’s unnecessary and will make you feel a little unwell after.

At least she’s wearing a nice coat. So she’s clearly thinking of the weather.

This article was written, blindfolded, by the debauched nincompoop Robin Darke who you can find out more on via this stream of twaddle.

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Adele seems to split people into two camps. The first is the Oooh! She’s like a proper singer! She’s not like those thin, manufactured ones! She’s a proper soul singer! She’s a real person! The other is the She Makes Really Boring Records And I Just Don’t Get The Fuss camp.

Of course, there’s a third group which sneer I Don’t Have Anything To Do With Popular Culture Because I Do My Own Thing And Feel Vastly Superior And Simultaneously Ostracised By It, but the less said about those bores the better.

However, there’s a fourth camp now. They’re called the Gah! We’re So Bored Of Hearing The Same Song That We’ve Actually Banned It. Let us explain.

When you have a hit single, it is constantly in danger of overplay. This means that people end up hating pieces of music regardless of whether they initially liked it or not.

And so, in a music shop in Dublin – called Opus II if you care in the slightest – they’ve banned Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.

Basically, they felt the need to impose a ban after the workers got beyond tired of hearing the song. It appears that every time someone sits at a piano when they’re shopping, they start playing Adele’s ballad.

Now there’s a sign up saying: “Strictly NO Adele”.

A shop assistant says:

“It’s become the piano equivalent of ‘Stairway To Heaven’, everyone thinks they can play it. The sign was a bit of a joke, but the song can drive you mad.”

The store has also banned Beethoven’s ‘Für Elise’ and absolutely any Michael Nyman music from being played.

Good work.

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Adele. She’s not thin is she? We’ve all noticed and most people don’t really care. They never have. They may well think her music is duller than stagnant dish water, but her waist? Never even considered it.

The single most irritating thing about Adele is that she’s omnipresent. You can’t move for hearing her mawkish take on balladry. She’s basically a more-credible Westlife. It’s all earnest, doe-eyed faux-pain channelled through that feeling of being a bit teary after a few drinks, watching someone sing something slightly emotional on a karaoke.

However, bringing up her weight is none other than the girl herself, who for the millionth time this week, has underlined that she’s comfortable with the way she looks.

Adele, if you didn’t know, is on the cover of UK Vogue. Of course, what with her not being a thin model, this gives the fashion industry and women’s lifestyle magazines the chance to, at some point in the future, refute claims of promoting an unhealthy image to young women.

They can now disagree and say “We were one of the first magazines to put Adele on the cover, so no, we don’t subscribe to this notion that we only showcase thinner girls.” You just watch.

Either way, despite the fact no-one really cares what Adele’s figure is like (apart from those laziest of joke makers who like to point it out, just to troll everyone else), she’s keen to point at it and say ‘I don’t care’.

She said:

“I’ve seen people where it rules their lives, you know, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down. And I just don’t want that in my life.”

“It’s just never been an issue – at least, I’ve never hung out with the sort of horrible people who make it an issue. I have insecurities of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.”

What we can slate though, is Adele’s pathetic immune system as she’s cancelled further gigs thanks to a chest infection after nixing concerts thanks to a bout of laryngitis.

Not that anyone will hear this insult, because everyone is too busy imagining that people are berating Adele for being a different shape to a bunch of other women.

Chances are though, should she lose a load of weight, women will be the first to start yelling “Oh! Doesn’t she look great?!” or “I can’t believe she’s lost all that weight. It must be peer pressure! I don’t judge women by their size, but I definitely think she’s not as good now she’s thin.”

Idiots.

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Anna Wintour was the interviewee on an episode of 60 Minutes with Mike Wallace. The trendsetter did not disappoint and gave a juicy insight into what it is that makes her tick/ such an utter bitch.

Now, wearing shades indoors/ being cloaked in so much fur that she has PETA in a permanent state of apoplexy/ being the alleged subject of the Hollywood movie The Devil Wears Prada, is not quite enough to get the fasionista in the headlines on just any day of the week. Nope. We only care about what she has to say when she speaks about two things dear to our hearts. Celebrities and their vaginas.

Oddly, having one myself, I’m not massively impressed with tales of celebrity vag. But I gather others are, and so I thought this might be a tidbit to lock away and save for a lonely night. Eh?

The interview Anna did was from around two weeks ago, during a period lovingly referred to as “the week celebrity vaginas ruled the earth”.

You remember, those of you who somehow still have 20/20 vision…

That was the period of time in which any and all female celebrities with something to pimp out that day, aired out their no-no places and gave the world a view that would make their gynaecologist blush. Several singers and people in the public eye had their privates bared at once. No one worth mentioning in conversation, but all people good looking enough to get their crotches splashed on TMZ. Cassie, Carrie Prejean (remember her?) and Rihanna.

In her 60 Minutes segment, Anna claims to have had Umbrella singer Rihanna in mind for an upcoming feature. One can only assume that this feature would have required Rihanna to wear clothes. As such you can understand why a nude scandal tarnished the Alien Princess’ chances of being a cover star. And once Anna had finished calling “most” residents of the US state of Minnesota fatties, “on a trip to Minnesota I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses”… she started in on Rihanna’s errant lady garden.

This week’s Star magazine features a story in which Anna talks about Rihanna peeing away her chances of being on the cover:

Rihanna and Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour had been talking for weeks about doing the cover and an inside spread, says a close friend of the singer, who adds that the two even chatted about it at the Met Costume Institute Gala on May 4. “Anna told her Vogue absolutely loves her and really wanted to work with her. Rihanna was ecstatic!” But since the photos came out, says the friend, “Anna hasn’t returned any of her calls. Rihanna’s so upset!”

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse who is the bomb diggy, as Another Level would have said.

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Jennifer Aniston isn’t someone you mess with, unless you enjoy four years of nothing followed by one sentence in a magazine.

Just look at Angelina Jolie. She wronged Jennifer Aniston in the most hurtful way possible, by stealing Brad Pitt from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, and now, several years later, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she’s spoiling for a fight. In the new issue of Vogue, Aniston has described Angelina Jolie as “really uncool.”

These words are bound to upset Angelina Jolie, especially since Jennifer Aniston wasn’t even talking about the Brad Pitt thing – instead she was describing Angelina’s Dunlop trainers, 1980s adoption of the failed Betamax video system and her abiding love of the music of Jamiroquai. Lord knows how Angelina Jolie will react to this – chances are she’s going to write the word ‘SKANK’ on Jennifer Aniston’s geography coursebook or something.

Just like the second coming of Jesus, the return of King Arthur and Oasis releasing an album that isn’t full of middling tripe, the prospect of Jennifer Aniston publicly scolding Angelina Jolie for stealing Brad Pitt from her is something that’s long been prophesied despite the slim likelihood of it ever happening.

Oh, sure, Jennifer Aniston has alluded to the split in the past – by banging on about pity-parties and taking up with men who look slightly like humidity-wilted waxwork models of Brad Pitt – but for the most part she’s just been happy to maintain the icy awkwardness between Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and herself that involves one party having to avoid a charity luncheon occasionally.

Until now. Poor Jennifer Aniston has done her best to try and maintain a dignified silence while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie mocked her by starring in terrible depressing movies that were supposed to be hers and thinking up deliberately stupid names for their children, but she just can’t hold it in any longer.

Why? Because recently Angelina Jolie described Mr & Mrs Smith as the movie where she and Brad Pitt fell in love, even though Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston at the time. Oh, and also because Jennifer Aniston’s got a couple of films coming out soon. That probably helped as well. Anyway, here’s what Jennifer Aniston told Vogue:

“There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss. That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool.”

Really, Angelina Jolie should be thankful that Jennifer Aniston managed to limit it to just ‘uncool’. We hear she was also toying with dropping ‘wack’, ‘square’, ‘not groovy’, or even going as far as calling Angelina Jolie a ‘skallywag’ or – worse still – a ‘nincompoop’ in retaliation. With that sort of escalation it’d only be a matter of days before someone threw down with ‘skuzz-bucket’ and it all ended in tears.

But, still, this outburst is sure to backfire on Jennifer Aniston. Now that she’s been called uncool, Angelina Jolie is clearly going to try and get cooler to prove Jennifer Aniston wrong. So, the next time you see Angelina Jolie walking down the street wearing a backwards baseball cap and baggy MC Hammer-style trousers, listening to a cassette of Savage Garden’s Greatest Hits on an oversized ghettoblaster perched on her shoulder, know that she’s had the last laugh in all of this.

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There are two reasons why celebrities don't often complain about their lives: 1) because their lives are brilliant and 2) because it makes them look like twats if they do.

Victoria Beckham clearly wasn't sent this particular memo, though, because she's on the front cover of Vogue this month complaining about how tough it is to be her, what with all the money and fame and jewels and whatnot. 

Victoria Beckham does have a point, of course – remove the giant LA mansion and husband who earns close to a million dollars a week and what are you left with? A scrawny orange twig with a speaking voice like a narcoleptic hairdresser and a face that looks like it was caught in a lift. So on this basis, yes, Victoria Beckham has got plenty to whinge about.

Some people look at Victoria Beckham and think she's got it all – a rich husband, a nice house, enough money to call her kids whatever ridiculous name she pleases without worrying that they'll have the shit booted out of them at school for it, a singing voice so weak that she effectively got paid millions of quid for doing bugger-all during the Spice Girls reunion concerts, two fake tits that look like veiny grapefruit that have been left on a radiator – but they'll never know the torment that goes with being Victoria Beckham.  

Scratch the surface of Victoria Beckham – although don't scratch too hard; she's very thin and you might poke right through the middle – and you'll be confronted with such a bleak picture of unending misery and profound human suffering that you'll wonder why Joy Division never made a concept album about her.

After all, Victoria's much-vaunted American television career died before it even started, her best friend is Katie Holmes – a woman who seems to be made of wires – and there's a very good chance that her husband had sex with a woman who masturbates pigs for a living. Speaking of pigs, there's a gang of them constantly hanging around Los Angeles, just waiting to chase Victoria Beckham around.

Now do you think that Victoria Beckham has got a tough life? No? Us neither to be honest, but that hasn't stopped Victoria Beckham from appearing on the front of this month's Vogue gnashing and wailing about how shit her life is like some sort of wizened biblical plague-carrier screaming at the foot of an erupting volcano. OK quotes:

“It’s tough being a pop star and a footballer’s wife. I’m aware of people’s preconceptions. For the other girls, it’s their business, but I don’t do that any more. My business is fashion… I’ve had my share of bad press and heartache and all sorts of things and it sort of kills you or makes you stronger.”

Unfortunately in this instance it seems to have made Victoria Beckham stronger.

Still, though, at least Victoria Beckham has let us know just how very terrible her life is. And, as consumers in this celebrity-driven age, we'll just have to live with what we've done to her. At least until the next time she poses for the front cover of a leading glossy fashion magazine covered in diamonds to explain all the other ways that she's worse off than we are.

Read more:

VICTORIA: "IT'S TOUGH BEING A POPSTAR" – OK 

Madonna is a complicated woman. In fact – some might say she's a whole bunch of women stuffed together under one great big cone-shaped bra.

There's the rock star Madonna that puts out movies about gay men tonguing empty bottles of coke, and there's the globally-conscious Madonna that probably reduces green house emissions by reading with only natural light, or by the light emitted from burning servants.

Then there's rural Madonna – all she wants to do is raise animals on a farm somewhere in England. Problem is rural Madonna seems to have been quite intertwined with eccentric fashion designer Madonna, because she's recently changed the colours of several animals she's raising to look like a ROY G BIV diagram, and animal rights folk are up in arms.

Madonna is a woman with problems. For instance, she can't eat corn on the cob without leaving a straight line of kernels consistently down the middle. Also, she's terrified people might soon learn she owns a flock of sheep that are completely normal in colour.

Who knows why she did it. Maybe she's trying to rent them out for Serta commercials and is looking to make them stand out. Or maybe she's experimenting with skin colour-change so that the next time she's in the mood for an ethnic child – she could just change one of her white ones. Whatever the reason, at some point Madonna coloured some of her pet sheep blue, pink, yellow and green. According to TMZ:

"Baaaaaaaad Madonna! Animal rights groups are pissed over a photo shoot from a few years back, where Madonna and Guy Ritchie dyed sheep different colours — all for a great looking magazine spread."

Unfortunately for Madonna, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is watching her like a well cared-for hawk. They are so mad the pop queen temporarily altered the colour of these poor suffering sheep they've issued statements like:

"We're gonna skin her jowls and make a lampshade"

and

"We shall run her through with our commemorative elephant tusk sabers! Thanks for those, by the way, Tanzania!"

Now keep in mind we said the animal folk only said things like those. If you want an exact quote you'll have to settle for this one:

"Why is it necessary and what are they trying to prove? It is an irresponsible publicity stunt. It sends out the wrong message about how to use animals."

What exactly the outcome of this tumultuous time in Madonna's life will be is as yet unknown. But hey, Royal Society of blah blah blah, at least the sheep weren't standing in pools of giraffe blood.

Read More:

Madonna's Sheep Spark Animal Rights Fury – Digital Spy