Brad Pitt should be busy promoting his new movie, but he’s not because he said four words that sent the entire world into a giant dribbly tizzy.

“The twins are fine.” That’s it. That’s what Brad Pitt said. The four most important words ever spoken by a human being. “The twins are fine.” Thank god, Brad Pitt has finally grown enough balls to publicly admit that the twins – while not ecstatically happy with their lives – are at least free of any major diseases, abnormal growths or traces of profound clinical depression.

That’s provided that Brad Pitt was talking about his two newborn baby twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, of course. He might have been discussing The Proclaimers. We honestly can’t be bothered to check.

Hands up who forgot that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just had twins? Yeah, we had to admit we did as well. There are two main reasons for this – the main one being that so much of our body is covered with tattoos of Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh Nouvel and Pax Thien that the only space we had left for our tattoos of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were on our buttocks where only our neighbours, our neighbours’ parents and our ‘osteopath’ can see them.

The other reason is because we have unusually small attention spans, and in the month since they were born, the announcement of their birth, second announcement of their birth, third announcement of their birth by their estranged grandfather and top-dollar People magazine photoshoot had totally slipped our minds. Whoops.

So thank heavens that Brad Pitt has the good old-fashioned courtesy to remind us for the millionth time that actually, yes, his girlfriend did squeeze out a couple of babies recently. God know what we’d do without him – probably get on with our lives in an otherwise perfectly normal manner or something disgusting like that.

So what did Brad Pitt say about his twins when he probably should have been concentrating on promoting his new movie Burn After Reading in Venice? Well, we’ve already told you quite a few times, but here’s People with the details:

Two months after the birth of Knox and Vivienne, Brad Pitt told reporters at a Venice press conference Wednesday, “The twins are fine.” He then raised his water glass like a toast, and took a sip.

“The twins are fine,” might seem like a fairly innocuous, standoffish thing to say about his own children – but in reality he’s given so much away about them. For instance, if the twins are fine then they’re not happy, sad, angry, disgruntled, distressed, jealous, anxious, bereaved, troubled, vexed, despondent, sluggish, frightened, timid, bewildered, fainthearted, vengeful, greedy, hate-filled, smug, disgusted, joyous, affectionate, disappointed, remorseful, contemptuous, aggressive, optimistic, surprised, zesty, tormented, spotty or nervous.

They’re fine. Deal with it.

Incidentally, if you’re reading this Brad, please don’t have any more children. We just have one small patch of skin left, and we heard that perineum tattoos are extraordinarily painful. However, if you do decide to have another kid, then consider the name ‘Perineum’ our gift to you.

The mayor of Nice officially welcomed the newborn Jolie-Pitt twins into the world yesterday, begging the question, who gives a giant rip? It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile about it.

But, according to hecklerspray financial analysts, that’s not entirely true if you’re a newborn Jolie-Pitt twin.

Having the mayor of Nice welcome little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into the world is worth roughly the equivalent of four of each of the adopted Jolie-Pitt children, a baker’s dozen Suri Cruises, 237 giant panda twins born to Gou Gou last week, or over one thousand of any of the Spears‘ spawn, especially the illegitimate one. All of which are quite surprisingly positive values considering the detrimental impact of oil prices on the economy as of late.

You probably think that a baby is officially born once it emerges from the mother’s womb, all slimy and screaming, gasping its first breaths of life, right?

Well, you’re wrong if you think that, because for a birth to be official, the mayor if Nice has to come out wagging birth certificates and blabbing on about babies being born in his town. This is good if you’re newborn Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, because the mayor of Nice officially welcomed them into the world yesterday. Mayor Christian Estrosi made the following statement yesterday:

“It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens. On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event.”

Estrosi also displayed the birth certificates, which provided thrilling items such as Brad Pitt’s initials, the time of birth, and other annoying details that you are forced to endure when someone you know has a baby and you have to pleasantly tolerate obnoxious facts that apply to almost every newborn baby in the entire world like, “he came out with a full head of hair,” or “he looks just like his parents,” or “have you seen how much he poops?”

So, congrats on the Jolie-Pitt babies being officially born. Now the umbilical cords can be cut, and the Jolie-Pitt clan can divide into evenly-numbered biological vs. adopted children and fight to the death for their parents love. Go team adopted!

So Angelina Jolie has finally given birth to those baby twins she seems to have been pregnant with for the last 28 months.

And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce? Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that you should never second-guess Angelina Jolie. Well, except for when it comes to her choice of films – then she just flicks backwards and forwards like clockwork between sexy female assassin movies and dull real-life ‘issue’ movies that nobody watches – but with babies? No.

That’s because Angelina Jolie loves to mix it up when it comes to the naming process. So far she’s named her children after a road in London, after how someone with a speech defect would pronounce the name of a large African desert, after a battle in the War Of Independence and after something that sounds like a made-up dishwasher detergent for Scientologists.

But the bonkers invented celebrity baby name thing has been so overdone lately, with everyone from Nicole Kidman to Matthew McConaughey basically just naming their newborn tots by basically just phonetically spelling the first ambient sound they could think of, so Angelina Jolie has gone for a drastic, profoundly shocking change of tack.

That’s right – Angelina Jolie has given her newborn twins actual names.

On Saturday evening in Nice, after more false alarms than we care to remember, Angelina Jolie gave birth to the baby boy and baby girl that she’s been keeping hidden up her mimsy all year. E! Online has more:

Twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were delivered via Cesarian section about 6 p.m. local time. “Brad and Angelina are extremely happy and everything went perfectly,” Dr. Michel Sussmann tells E! News. “Both of the babies are adorable and in excellent health and everyone’s content and getting some much deserved rest. [Brad, Angelina and the twins] are all tired but very, very happy.”

Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline? OK, at least they managed to slot an X and a couple of Vs in there between them, but it hardly seems as if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are trying any more, does it? What are they going to call their next kid? Sarah? Jonathan? Urgh, just thinking about it makes us want to vomit up all over the place.

As if there wasn’t enough tension between Angelina Jolie’s biological and adopted children as it is, Angelina’s just gone and exacerbated it tenfold. After all, as if the adopted kids don’t resent the biological kids already, just imagine how much worse it’ll be when they go into Clinton’s Cards and see that you can buy a keyring with Vivienne on it and a keyring with Leon on it, but no Pax or Zahara keyrings.

Let’s just close our eyes as tightly as possible and pray that Angelina Jolie doesn’t take her children into a branch of Clinton’s Cards until the company has remedied this obvious failing.