However, don’t be surprised if 50 Cent’s next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft.

How soft? Get this – 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it’s too late. Yeeuch.

We’re big fans of 50 Cent here at hecklerspray, from that song of his that goes “mumble mumble mumble shoot you mumble dead,” to that other song of his that goes “mumble mumble I got shot mumble mumble did I ever mention that mumble yeah I thought so.” We like 50 Cent because he’s got a formula and he’s not afraid to stick to it.

Even though he lives in a mansion that’s roughly the size of Luxembourg in the middle of a faraway forest, 50 Cent is still as street as they come. He got shot once, you know, did he ever mention that? And he became a drug dealer when he was just 12 years old. And he, um, organises nutritional drives to help combat child obesity.

Basically, if you cut 50 Cent open, he bleeds ghetto. And possibly a little bit of Human Growth Hormone, too. Possibly.

But what’s the least ghetto thing you can think of? How about not taking any drugs so you can go on a lovely holiday with your little boy? Because, as much as it pains us to tell you, that’s what 50 Cent has done.

There’s been a protection order banning 50 Cent from seeing his son Marquise since the house fire that suspiciously gutted the home of Marquise and his mother Shaniqua Tompkins back in May. But 50 Cent wanted to see his son, so he went to court to fight for visitation.

There was one minor caveat set by the court, though – in order to see his son, 50 Cent had to pass a drug test. We’re sorry to tell you that 50 Cent passed. The New York Daily News reports:

Fitty was ordered to take a drug test before a Long Island judge would give him permission to take his son on vacation. Fitty complied, the test came back clean and now he’s free to take 11-year-old Marquise away. “I haven’t seen my son in a while. That’s why I came here today,” the rapper said after he passed the test.

Incidentally, Shaniqua Tompkins was ordered to take the same drug test and hers came back testing positives for opiates. Tompkins is blaming that on cough syrup, but you know what that means? It means 50 Cent is now less street than a woman with the surname Tompkins. You just can’t get less street than that.

Honestly, 50 Cent might feel like he’s accomplished something by passing a drug test and deepening his father-son bond with little Marquise, but this confusing show of maturity is bound to anger and alienate his fans.

Admittedly most 50 Cent fans are so stupid that they’re similarly angered and alienated by things like sentences and original thought, but that’s hardly the point here, is it?

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

There’s a lot of talk about Britney Spears being a bad mother just because she drove with one of them on her lap once and seems constantly on the brink of a messy bipolar sobbing suicide attempt – but it’s clear that actually Britney Spears is a good mother.

Why? Because there’s a statue of Britney Spears with a baby poking out of her minge. Is there a statue of a baby poking out of your minge? Thought not. And when Britney Spears had a harrowing breakdown that resulted in her admission into a psychiatric hospital, who did she think to take hostage in a locked bathroom until the police were called? That’s right – her children. Would you think to do that? No, no you wouldn’t. You’re the bad mother here. Britney Spears is the best.

That’s not just our opinion either – that’s the opinion of the commissioner in charge of yesterday’s custody hearing between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. OK, maybe ‘the best’ is an overstatement. Let’s try ‘marginally less likely to cause her children harm than three months ago’ instead.

That’s right – yesterday Britney Spears was told that she can see her children slightly more often than before, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

The singer’s visitation rights to sons Sean Preston and Jayden James were expanded Tuesday after a custody hearing with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. According to Usmagazine.com, there was no change in custody. Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan merely said that her time with the boys will be “more than it has been.” But according to TMZ.com, Spears will get three days supervised visitation a week and visitation on Mother’s Day.

This result is a good sign for all involved, notably Britney Spears. The more time she gets to spend with her children, the more she’ll become aware that she has a wider responsibility than to just herself. But Britney Spears isn’t the only one to feel the benefit of the commissioner’s decision.

Kevin Federline now gets a little more free time to research answers to some of the tricky questions that his children ask, like ‘why is the sky blue?’ and ‘how many legs does a doggy have?’

And, best of all, the kids get to see Britney Spears again. Not the singing, dancing pop princess Britney Spears from the TV that the rest of us get to see, but the dead-eyed, emotionally brittle psychiatric patient Britney Spears who gave birth to them. Heartwarming.

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Happy Mother’s Day, y’all: Britney Spears allowed more time with her boys – LA Times

This weekend, that situation happened to Sean Preston Federline and Jayden James Federline. Except the dotty old lady in question was Britney Spears. Their mother Britney Spears.

That's right – after almost two months of rejection, Britney Spears finally got to see her kids again on Saturday in an emotional reunion. Emotional for a couple of reasons, of course – Britney Spears was brutally reminded how much she'd lost by behaving so oddly over this last year or so and the kids were just a bit freaked out that there was also a jumpy-looking psychiatrist in the room who flinched every time Britney made a sudden movement.

This last couple of months have been hellish for every single member of the Spears family. Britney Spears has gone through the pain of being forcibly sectioned, Jamie Spears has felt the pressure of controlling all of Britney's affairs and Kevin Federline has felt the acute embarrassment of being intellectually outclassed by two infants on an hourly basis. A little light was needed to cut through all the grimness – and on Saturday, that's exactly what happened.

Britney Spears has been kept away from her children since her breakdown on January 4 when she locked herself topless in a bathroom with one of them and wound up getting her brain looked at. But, at long last, on Saturday Britney Spears was tentatively allowed to spend some time with her children at long last. MTV reports:

After the lawyers representing Spears and her ex-husband Kevin Federline reached an agreement on visitation rights Friday, the singer saw her sons Preston, 2, and Jayden, 1, for the first time since January 3, the night she was hospitalised after refusing to turn the boys over to Federline. She was hospitalized again at the end of the month. On Saturday morning, Federline put the boys into his truck and they were driven by his bodyguard to Spears' home. Sources told People that Jamie and Britney's psychiatrist were also present during the visit; another source said, "The real hero was Jamie. He has taken charge, and she has visitation again."

It's unclear whether this visit was just a one-off event or whether it'll become a regular event. Since both children left Britney Spears' house in one piece, that's probably a good indication that they'll be allowed to see her again. And maybe they'll even let Britney out of her reinforced perspex cage next time, too.

But it certainly seems fair on everyone that Britney Spears should get to see her children again. After all, if Britney is allowed to look after kids belonging to other people then it's only fair that she should get some time with her own. And the children themselves will benefit from seeing Britney Spears, because it's important that mothers and children spend a lot of quality time together, even if the mother is mentally ill to the extent that she can't feed herself any more.

And perhaps this situation is best of Kevin Federline. Now, when Sean Preston and Jayden James are with Britney Spears, he can research the answers to some of the trickier questions they've been asking him under his care, like 'what colour is the sun?' and 'which is bigger, an ant or a cow?'

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Britney Spears Visits With Sons – MTV 

That's what Britney Spears discovered yesterday, as the latest stop on her sad merry go round of court hearings ruled that she still isn't allowed to see either of her sons. This means that the last time Britney Spears saw her children was when she locked herself topless in a bathroom with one of them early last month.

Having said that, it's thought that Kevin Federline is doing all he can to get the kids to spend time with Britney Spears again, reportedly because he's fed up with the infants beating him at Simon Says all the time. 

It's not exactly a surprise that Britney Spears still isn't allowed to spend time with her children. Currently she's a recovering mental patient who isn't even allowed to go to the toilet by herself, and legally that does make her a sliver of a percent less suitable than Kevin Federline.

However, the matter of Britney Spears' visitation rights were addressed court yesterday, as they have been intermittently since Britney Spears lost custody of them in October. Needless to say, proceedings either ended with sharp disappointment or a slightly guilty feeling of relief, depending on whether you're Britney Spears or any other human. Reuters reports:

Pop star Britney Spears on Tuesday failed to regain the right to see her two young sons after a closed-door court hearing in the lengthy and bitter custody dispute with her ex-husband Kevin Federline… Los Angeles Superior Court spokesman Alan Parachini told reporters there had been no change in the orders handed out by the family judge who last month stripped Spears of her visiting rights to see Sean Preston, 2 and Jayden James, 1.

Despite this, claims have been made that Kevin Federline is convinced that some time spent with her children will help Britney Spears on her recovery. Lawyers, however, failed to reach an agreement on this, meaning that Kevin's stuck with them for another month at least.

Perhaps he has a point, though – if Britney Spears is allowed to see her children, she might be jolted into realising that she has a responsibility to others to get better. Plus it'll allow her to babble and fart directly at them again instead of storing it all up inside until it all gets too much to bear and she ends up being psychiatrically evaluated for the third time this year.

More than that, though, every second that Britney Spears spends away from her children, that statue of her giving birth decreases in value. Won't someone think of the people who collect disgusting sculptures of baby heads poking out of  womens' genitals here?

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Britney Spears Still Cannot Visit Sons - Reuters 

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Now let this be a lesson to all you young mothers – if you want to see your kids, perhaps it's not the best idea to barricade yourself topless in a bathroom with them and swear a lot until you're eventually taken to the brain hospital on a stretcher.

Just ask Britney Spears – that's what she did almost a fortnight ago and now she can't see her children at all for a month. Yesterday saw the bazillionth Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody hearing take place, but it was an especially important one for Britney Spears because the general consensus was that Britney needed to show up to the court and argue her case to be able to retain some amount of visitation with Sean Preston and Jayden James. But if Britney Spears didn't show up, then the court commissioner, Kevin Federline and all the lawyers could giggle about her behind her back and stamp out visitation indefinitely.  

So yesterday Britney Spears showed up to court. Admittedly she showed up four hours late and didn't actually make her way to the hearing itself at any point, but at least that's more effort than she made promoting her new album. The LA Times reports on yesterday's Britney kerfuffle:

Spears traveled today to the civil courthouse downtown, where Commissioner Scott M. Gordon was hearing testimony in the child custody battle for her two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline. But after circling the courthouse, Spears stopped, got out of her black sport utility vehicle and surveyed the crowd of cameras and reporters, then got back in and apparently headed home.

And, since Britney wasn't there to explain why she locked herself in the bathroom with her children in just a pair of knickers and then told a policeman that she wouldn't put any clothes on because she's "fucking hot," the commissioner had no choice but to ban Britney Spears from seeing her kids until at least February 19.

It's at this point that we traditionally cross our fingers and hope that this custody blow will finally convince Britney Spears to take a hard look at herself and seek out the long-term help that she obviously needs but, really, what's the point? Britney has lost her kids before and that didn't change things, so how will this make any difference? Honestly, unless something happens that shakes Britney Spears badly enough to get treatment, there's probably only one way this will end.

But, hey, who's to say that letting her kids spend a month alone with Kevin Federline isn't the massive shock that Britney Spears needs? After all, if our infant children returned to us after a month away with cornrowed hair, bizarre eyepatches and a bunch of dope rhymes about Pavarotti, then we'd be pretty bloody shocked as well.

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Spears arrives for court hearing but doesn't stay - LA Times 

However, if Britney Spears is serious about clawing at least some semblance of custody back after her recent episode, she should probably listen to the advice telling her to show up to a court hearing today. Britney Spears has been warned that this could be her last chance at gaining visitation rights.

However, Britney Spears is so unlikely to show her face in court today that we'll get our arses out on the internet if she does.*

What with the not-especially naked Britney Spears pictures and the probably non-existent Britney Spears sex tape, there's a strong chance that you're too busy hurling up in a wastepaper basket to care about the ongoing slow-motion car crash that is Britney Spears' custody battle. 

And, look, we know that you probably weren't even that interested in the Britney Spears custody battle in the first place, ever since it locked into a spiral of Kevin Federline calling emergency hearings every time Britney Spears so much as sneezed in front of her kids and then Britney Spears never showing up for anything anyway.

But, handily it looks like we might be entering some kind of endgame. Well, handily for us at least – probably not so much for Britney Spears, who looks set to lose her kids for months unless she attends a court hearing later today. The hearing, understandably, is set to deal with the events 11 days ago that ended up with Britney Spears being wheeled off to hospital for brain tests. And family lawyer Scott Weston – who isn't involved in the case – has told People just how important it is for Britney to show:

"Britney needs to be there because it's much easier to defend your client if he/she is present to refute what witnesses say. Whether she takes the stand or not depends on what witnesses say, and whether or not her lawyers think her testimony may backfire. But they've got nowhere to go but up at this point. Also, if she doesn't attend, it shows a lack of interest on her part in getting back her kids." 

If Britney Spears doesn't attend the hearing – which, let's face it, looks likely – then she'll lose her chance to argue for visitation rights and it'll be easier for the judge to just ban Britney from seeing the kids until April, which is when their actual custody trial begins. 

And that won't just be hard on Britney Spears – we'd imagine you could just draw faces on a couple of pillows and she wouldn't notice the difference – but it'll be little Sean Preston and Jayden James who'll be worst affected. Kids needs constants in their lives; be it a loving parent, a group of peers or a mental, swearing, Prozac-spazzed topless woman who regularly locks herself in the bathroom with them. That's just common sense.

*No we won't. That's not fair on anybody. 

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Britney 'Strongly Advised' by Lawyers to Attend Hearing - People