Visitation - HecklerSpray

50 Cent Loves His Son And Doesn’t Take Drugs, The Big Girl

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows what they want from 50 Cent – and that’s gritty, hardcore tales of violent life on the streets.

However, don’t be surprised if 50 Cent’s next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft.

How soft? Get this – 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it’s too late. Yeeuch.

Britney Spears’ Kids To Be Spooked Out By Mummy Some More

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears’ court hearing yesterday was a success, although these days any period of time where Britney doesn’t cry or wave her fanny around like a football rattle technically counts as a success.

But this was a success. An actual success. The court commissioner has increased Britney Spears’ child visitation rights, you see.

Three cheers for Britney Spears! If only there were more heartwarming stories about women too mentally unwell to care for their own children except for occasional strictly court-imposed appointments in the presence of a psychologist and an external child safety monitor, maybe the world would be a better place.

Britney Spears Finally Gets To See Her Kids

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Quite often at family weddings, a slightly dotty old lady will come up to you and marvel at how much you've grown even though you haven't got the foggiest who she is.

This weekend, that situation happened to Sean Preston Federline and Jayden James Federline. Except the dotty old lady in question was Britney Spears. Their mother Britney Spears.

That's right – after almost two months of rejection, Britney Spears finally got to see her kids again on Saturday in an emotional reunion. Emotional for a couple of reasons, of course – Britney Spears was brutally reminded how much she'd lost by behaving so oddly over this last year or so and the kids were just a bit freaked out that there was also a jumpy-looking psychiatrist in the room who flinched every time Britney made a sudden movement.

Britney Spears Still Not Allowed Anywhere Near Her Kids

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Here's a thing – if you get sectioned for a prolonged stay in a mental hospital, turns out judges aren't that keen on letting you look after children.

That's what Britney Spears discovered yesterday, as the latest stop on her sad merry go round of court hearings ruled that she still isn't allowed to see either of her sons. This means that the last time Britney Spears saw her children was when she locked herself topless in a bathroom with one of them early last month.

Having said that, it's thought that Kevin Federline is doing all he can to get the kids to spend time with Britney Spears again, reportedly because he's fed up with the infants beating him at Simon Says all the time.

Britney Spears Sort Of Goes To Court, Loses Kids Anyway

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn't heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Britney Spears Needs To Go To Court Today… Or Else

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Regaining custody is fourth on Britney Spears' agenda right now, after finding her marbles, tightening her screws and trying to keep out of the booby hatch.

However, if Britney Spears is serious about clawing at least some semblance of custody back after her recent episode, she should probably listen to the advice telling her to show up to a court hearing today. Britney Spears has been warned that this could be her last chance at gaining visitation rights.

However, Britney Spears is so unlikely to show her face in court today that we'll get our arses out on the internet if she does.*