There's an old saying that goes 'An Englishman's home is his castle, and if he ever wants to imprison a Scandinavian male prostitute in his castle against his wishes then that's probably OK'.

But sadly it seems like America, the so-called land of the free, has got some issues about people chaining male prostitutes to their walls and vaguely insulting them for a bit. Just ask Boy George.

Boy George is just about to set off on a tour of America, except that now he can't get a visa because of his upcoming prostitute-chaining trial. Not that Boy George should worry too much, though. We know for a fact that there are plenty of other countries who'll give you visas no matter how many terrified manwhores you've chained up to a wall in your sordid little sex dungeon. Um, we read that in a book or something once. Ahem.

These days you can get banned from America for just about everything. If you punch people you get banned from America, if you're a terminally habitual drug user you get banned from America, and now it seems that if you might have chained a prostitute to a wall once you get banned from America as well.

Weirdly, though, if you're Fearne Cotton you can just breeze through passport control without a care in the world despite your numerous atrocious crimes against humanity. It hardly seems fair at all.

And this utterly illogical immigration system has messed up Boy George's plans something horrible. All he wanted to do was go to New York and give a free concert to all the binmen who he managed to ritually humiliate by spazzing out like a girl that time he was forced to do community service with them, but now even that's been taken from him.

Why? Because there's a possibility that he chained up a Norwegian male prostitute in his house last year. Did we mention that? We did? Oh, whatever.

Although he denies the charges, Boy George's false imprisonment trial is set to start later this year. And because of that, Boy George has been denied an entry visa into America. We can see why – as far as we're able to tell, America is full of fat bald gay men with oddly-painted faces who enjoy nothing more than chaining prostitutes to their wall and threatening them, so there's a chance that Boy George might just blend into the crowd and never return – but Boy George is getting quite worked up about it, as the New York Times reports:

Boy George was “devastated” and that “George is astounded at the decision and is having lawyers here in the States look at it in the hope that someone will change their mind.” … The statement said, “George has not been convicted of anything in London, and there is a presumption in the Western world of innocence until proven guilty.”

Well, that's partly true – the presumption is innocent until proven guilty, unless the accusation involves chains, 1980s popstars and frightened homosexual prostitutes from Norway, in which case it's funny to just mention it as many times as possible regardless of how true it is.

So Boy George won't be going to America any more. And, as rough as Boy George has got it, it's not him we feel most sorry for. No, it's the New York binmen who won't get to see Boy George's concert any more. True, there's a chance that an alternative act who's also done community service with the binmen will be shipped in from overseas to compensate, but if that happens it's likely to be Naomi Campbell, and those poor refuse workers will be lucky to escape with their lives.  

We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.

However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono – Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.

Now it’s England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!

Lily’s cheeky chirpy cockney songs have never been off radio and TV stations in England. Most of the time it’s a lucky dip to see if Smile or LDN is going to be played next. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t every ten minutes or so.

But then, would the public like to hear a makeshift hecklerspray band doing a freestyle jam on a few metal cans and coat hangers? No, probably not.

In-between writing and recording her second album, Lily has been doing other stuff as well. You see, she’s not like the other one dimensional singers without a soul or conscience. She can do more than pout and attempt to look sexy – Lily can present too! Well, that’s what BBC 3 believes anyway.

Some genius came up with the Lily Allen and Friends show. A programme where a few celebrity people come on to plug a TV show or product they’re involved with.

In-between all of the ker-azy chat comes the part of the show that makes up about 89% of the content, the always reliable feature: “clips from the internet showcasing wacky people which means I can sit on my arse and do fuck all for a bit,” used every week. Honestly, we’d never seen the Chocolate Rain man before. We are so thankful. The show really is worth the license fee alone to watch TV content which comes from YouTube.

For some time now, Lily’s wild child antics have seen her banned from America. Having the odd drink doesn’t seem to be a popular thing with Uncle Sam and her persistent drunken nights out haven’t helped. For a long time she’s been banned from the land of obesity and Maury. Now Magazine reports:

“Lily had to have her pee regularly checked and then blood tests on top to prove she wasn’t on drugs before the US government would give her a working visa.”

We just feel sorry for the poor sod that had to check her piss. How this was done we aren’t sure, but we’re willing to bet it was all down to the texture and aroma of the urine. But that doesn’t matter now; she’s got the visa, and she was reported as feeling:

“Chuffed.”

Though we would like to remind US visa officials of her odd antics at last week’s Glamour awards. She clearly wasn’t sticking to tap water or lemonade during the ceremony and looked slightly worse for wear. This will probably scare the shit out of the people who gave her legal permission to visit America.

Have fun with her in the USA. And don’t feel inclined to send her back anytime soon.

Amy was supposed to be performing at the Grammys this weekend, but her request for an American visa has been denied, possibly because she'd explode the faces off every sniffer dog in a 50-mile radius the instant she landed at LAX.

Still, ever the trouper Amy Winehouse has vowed to do her Grammys performance live by satellite – just as soon as she's worked out whether her husband's prison or the confines of her drug rehab centre will make the more attractive backdrop.

You might have thought that it was fear of another near-fatal overdose that spurred Amy Winehouse on to seek treatment for her drug addiction, or possibly the shame of seeing herself apparently smoking crack on the front page of a newspaper. But it wasn't – Amy Winehouse supposedly only went to rehab because she wanted to play the Grammys so badly.

After a year that's seen her pull American tours and big American awards shows, the Grammys were meant to be Amy Winehouse's way of proving that she's still a talented singer underneath all the endless tabloid fluff. And since she notched up more  Grammy nominations than anyone else, a performance during the ceremony would be Amy's crowning glory. All she needed was for America to grant her a visa.

Yeah, hasn't happened. 

It was already touch and go whether Amy Winehouse would be granted a visa after she was arrested on a minor drugs charge in Norway last year, but there's a chance that the video of Winehouse appearing to huff down mouthful after mouthful of delicious crack after a night on the Valium, ecstasy powder and cocaine might have possibly made the US visa people a little bit nervous too. The Associated Press reports:

The Outside Organization, which counts the troubled retro-soul sensation among its clients, said in an e-mail that Winehouse — who shot to fame with the autobiographical single "Rehab" — was disappointed that her request for a visa had been turned down by the U.S. Embassy. "Amy has been progressing well since entering a rehabilitation clinic two weeks ago and although disappointed with the decision has accepted the ruling and will be concentrating on her recovery," the Outside Organization said. The statement didn't say why her application was rejected.

Of course, it's quite correct that Amy Winehouse should be refused entry into America – no musician who's ever so much as seen a drug has ever been allowed into America – but, undeterred, Amy Winehouse has decided to still perform at the Grammys by satellite.

That's bittersweet news, because satellite performances in awards shows never have any of the impact of the live performances. However, on the bright side Amy Winehouse can sing her Grammys song and go home, saving her the agony of sitting through all 13 arse-numbing hours of the ceremony like everyone else.

And, let's face it, if hearing the nominations for the Best-Engineered Polka Album Sleevenotes (Sans Serif) award getting droned out by the drummer from Aerosmith four hours into an already interminable show makes us want to turn to hard drugs, just imagine what a mess it'd leave Amy Winehouse in.

Read more:

Winehouse to Sing Via Satellite at Show – Press Association 

And that's performing at the Grammy this weekend. Amy Winehouse is up for six trophies and she also knows that performing will bring her an insane amount of exposure, leaving more people than ever before whispering plaudits like "Is she OK?" and "My God, what's happened to her teeth?"

But Amy Winehouse might not be able to go to the Grammies this weekend, and that's because the police have just decided to talk to her about the video of her honking on her crack pipe like it was going out of fashion.

The Grammys are taking place this weekend, and the prerequisite number of godawful performances are ready to go. There's the Beyonce/ Tina Turner duet, which will finally give the world a before and after image of what Beyonce would look like if you kept her held down in bath water for three years. Then there's a chance that Michael Jackson will perform at the Grammys, although by 'perform' we probably mean 'spin around twice slowly while one of the Black Eyed Peas sings a line from Man In The Mirror.'

And then there's the performance that everybody's looking forward to – the Amy Winehouse performance. You see, Amy Winehouse is up for six Grammys and there's nothing she'd like more than to mark this achievement by performing during the ceremony. And if you ask her really nice, she might even sing in tune, tighten up her diction and not call the song to a halt so she can threaten the millions of viewers to a fight.

But before any of that, Amy Winehouse needs a visa to travel to America, something which might have been buggered up by that video of her supposedly smoking crack – not least because the police are now interviewing her about it. The Sun reports:

Amy Winehouse’s dream of singing at The Grammys this weekend could now be wrecked – after police quizzed her yesterday about smoking crack cocaine… Officers went to North London’s Capio Nightingale clinic to grill the star for two hours. A complaint had been received about Amy’s drugs binge exposed by The Sun last month. She was filmed smoking crack after taking cocaine, ecstasy and Valium. A source revealed last night: "She was not arrested. She is co-operating with police." 

Now, this might not be as much of a problem as it's being made to be. After all, when Kate Moss had a chat with police after that newspaper photo of her apparently snorting cocaine was released, all she did was flutter her eyelashes and she was released. Granted, that might have been because she's a supermodel and not a funny-looking toothless fairground worker who gurgles instead of speaks, but perhaps Amy Winehouse will still manage to overcome this.

And if her raw feminine sexual power won't do the trick, then maybe Amy Winehouse needs to remind the police and the American customs officials what they're at stake of losing if she's not allowed to perform at the Grammys. If you keep Amy Winehouse in England, there's every chance that she'll do an album of Christmas carols with Mika. And that'll be on your heads.

Read more:

Amy quizzed over crack video - The Sun