Everyone has a soft spot for Scaletrix and slot car racing. There’s something incredibly satisfying about watching little cars veer off the track at the squeeze of a trigger. No, not in a JFK way you monster!

The dream, as a kid, is to make bigger, fancier tracks with increasingly faster cars.

Well, a group of brilliantly nerdy old men from Finland have made that dream a reality, with slot cars that go at 100mph. The video that accompanies this article is brain-frying.

That’s right.

Some blokes have decided to make mega-fast overlord slot-racers that travel so quickly along a giganto track that your eyes will probably fall out of your head in your attempts to keep up.

Imagine actually being trackside.

You’d invariably puke into your hand with inertia. That, of course, is one of the finest pasttimes there is.

Anyway, no more waffle. What the little cars travelling at ludicrous speeds. Feel free to do the calculations and scale the cars to full size in your mind, and work out how fast they’d be travelling in the real world.

BROOM!

Imagine you have access to an African Bullfrog. Once you’d finished singing The Beatles’ ‘Hey Bulldog’ at it, there’s very little you can do with it away from feeding it and mopping up the mess it makes.

Right?

Wrong. See, one bright bulb decided to get his frog and make it play Ant Crusher (that’s a game you get on phones, y’dozy widge! What have you been doing for the past year?). Of course, what unfurls is asking for trouble. As the kidz say, FAIL.

So, as you might expect, the frog toad thing gamely plays the app game and, if it was a cute creature, you’d be cooing about how adorable it all is.

Of course, it’s a horrible slimy thing that looks like a Merman’s ballbag.

Anyway, stick around to the end of the video.

Seriously, it’s worth it. A frog owning dork gets vague comeuppance and how you’ll titter at slight misfortune.

DO IT NOW.

Christmas is-a-coming, and the geese are getting fat. Handy really as they’ll probably be eaten soon along with turkeys, vegetables, pudding and of course, lots of mulled wine and the like.

As much as it pains us, we really like Christmas. It’s all about eating, drinking and allowing us the opportunity to crack a smile once a year. Of course, we’ll be sulking after watching an hour of Christmas television, but the idea of Christmas is overwhelmingly brilliant for a period.

And we’re not the only ones getting in the Yuletide spirit! And what better way to get you in the mood than Christmas music which, despite what the shops blurt out, ain’t all bad at all!

It goes without saying that a lot of Christmas music is lousier than a lousy wheelbarrow filled with lousiness, but sometimes, Christmas music can blindside you and really get you in the swing of things.

hecklerspray is known for weeping salty tears of sentimental weakness in the face of an old brass band playing in the winter wind.

So imagine, you’re out doing your Christmas shopping and suddenly, you’re surrounded by a T-Mobile flashmob and they make you go all Yuley.

Imagine no more. Watch this. Then you can have a listen to some of our favourite Christmas songs!

See? People smiling and having fun and, most importantly, being slightly bewildered initially! That’s what the festive season is all about, right? Bewilderment and dancing! So, here’s a selection of our fave festive numbers and there’s absolutely no Wonderful Christmastime or Mud.

Mabel Scott Boogie Woogie Santa Claus

Elvis Santa Bring My Baby Back

Rotary Connection Christmas Love

Stevie Christmas Song

Marvin Purple Snowflakes

Go-Go’s I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek

Clarence Carter Back Door Santa

Frank Cosmo Merry Christmas

Big Joe Turner Christmas Date Boogie

Honey And The Bees Jing A Ling

This post was sponsored by T-Mobile, which is nice.

Sometimes, here on the hallowed hecklerspray, we like to include things that are barely newsworthy. We’re not talking about the pointless goings-on of celebrities and such, rather, things that are just plain odd.

Like what?

Well, when you see the bemulletted man who we’re calling The Detroit Whistler, you’ll know exactly what we mean. He can whistle like a champ! Not like Roger Whittaker though. This man seems to whistle from his Adam’s Apple. Watch. Widen your eyes.

Seriously, you may think you’ve seen all-manner of wonderful voice trickery, amazing beatbox and sound-effectery, but you’ve seen nothing ’til you’ve watched The Detroit Whistler in action.

He could well be the greatest man who ever lived. LOOK AT HIS ACE DETROIT PISTONS SWEATSHIRT FOR STARTERS!

Not only that, he’s starring on clearly the greatest television show ever aired.

Keep an eye out for the various fashion gurus in the audience, not to mention a tiny baby who looks like Super Mario  and, for the best bit, someone knocking over a load of bowling balls, scurrying around making a racket while a TV show gamely plugs on.

That’s all rubbish compared to the wonderful, majestic Detroit Whistler.

NOW WATCH

We all dream of doing something cool for a living, right? Becoming a bass-player in a hot band or making ice-sculptures for obscenely wealthy investor balls. Well, some people actually have the nerve to go and do it.

We’re not jealous at all. Nope.

Okay. We’re hugely envious of these people. However, listening to them speak can be rather inspiring, mainly because the cynic in you thinks ‘Hey! Look at this bozo! I could do his job!‘ Well, Sailor Jerry have made a buncha short films looking at people who have enviously great jobs but aren’t idiots with it.

Of course, not all cool jobs will make you grotesquely wealthy overnight.

The films made by Sailor Jerry look at labours of love and people who can’t quite believe their luck, which is irritatingly sweet for jaded hacks like us.

And so, here’s a selection of videos that show off those who decided to go for broke in the world of tattooing, motorcycles and more.

God, we’re so unswervingly pathetic in comparison.

This article is sponsored by Sailor Jerry, which is just swell

Sometimes, we like to throw things your way that are just so unbearably brilliant, that there’s no words. Of course, we have to tap out some words because we have a format to adhere to. Sorry about that.

However, if you’re reading these words right now, you’re already wasting time. You should’ve already clicked over the jump to see the most incredible thing EVER EVER EVER!

Seriously. Everything that mankind has ever achieved is utterly, utterly redundant after seeing the marvel that is Hamburg’s Miniatur Wunderland. Honestly. Why are you reading still? WATCH THE STINKIN’ VIDEO!

You may think we’re getting paid for this article, but we’re not. We’re just completely bowled over by one of the most dazzlingly daft ideas anyone ever had, coming to life.

Imagine a gigantic miniature city with women lifting cows, fire engines putting tiny blazes out, people having it off, trains, mountain ranges, prostitutes in windows with their boobies out…

…seriously.

Miniatur Wunderland is breathlessly amazing and someone better book us all some flights to Hamburg THIS SECOND so we can go and fawn over the GREATEST THING MANKIND HAS EVER EVER ACHIEVED.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! WE ARE TOO EXCITED! AND THE NARRATOR MAN SOUNDS A BIT FUNNY TOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Spotted by The Word

“South London, Friday night, 1990. Louis Theroux, Adam Buxton & Joe Cornish do some authentic hip-hop style dancing to Dee Lite’s classic Groove Is In The Heart”

Read that again.

If that doesn’t make you giddy, then you’re dead to us. Or, you have different tastes and that’s fine. Whatever. Either way, what you should already be doing is clicking the read more button because there is a video waiting for you that is going to slap a gigantic smile right across your stupid face.

Before you start watching the video (you’re already watching it aren’t you? You’re ignoring these words. We don’t blame you. We do wonder why we bother though) we have one thing to ask.

Who is the best dancer the world has ever seen – Adam Buxton or Bob Mortimer?

We’d really like someone to organise a dance-off between those two. Do it for charity if needed. Do it for the sanity of the entire world.

Anyway, here’s the video that will brighten your worthless day.

[VIA THERMOSO]

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

We like to cause trouble here at hecklerspray. You knew that right? That’s why you’re going to vote for us at the Cosmo Blog Awards isn’t it?

Inspired by that guy who did a pretty lousy job of hitting Rupert Murdoch with a custard pie (he did a much better job of getting smacked upside his head by Mrs Murdoch mind you), we thought we’d jape one off in a formal setting.

Behold! The video of a flying dildo in Russia!

That’s right!

We made a vibrator fly! We did you know!

We’re totally not making this up. Nope. Not one bit.

Over in Russia, at some cruddy press conference about the length of queues, we decided to liven up proceedings with a flying dildo.

Observe how EVERYONE wakes up on its entrance.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

When Britney Spears sang about being a slave, you may have thought she was being a little disrespectful to actual slaves.

For starters, slaves don’t get paid nearly as handsomely as she does and they certainly don’t get to choose who they’ll be slaves for.

However, we have a lot to thank our slaves chums for as the video over the jump testifies. Raises your glasses and shout ‘SLAVES!’ as loudly as you can.

Of course, slaves have been in the British news lately, which is always nice to hear. And you stupid idiots thought it was a thing of the past.

But really, slaves are the bestest people around because they sure know how to get things done.

So, let us all have a little singalong in honour of slavery with these nice children.

Okay?

Good.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Think you’re a good dancer? When shaking your ‘thang’ (Jeezis! We just said ‘thang’. Feel free to kill us now), do you adopt the third person and see yourself throwing wonderful shapes like you’re in Studio 54?

Alternatively, do you like to dance but are acutely aware of the fact that you’re fist-chewingly awkward, rattling around the dancefloor with all the grace and poise of a cat being forced into a bath?

Either way, there’s a man who exists on this awful planet of ours who will make a mockery of your stupid dancing. Seriously. Even though he’s moving around to some pretty lousy dubstep (the worst genre since trance was a thing, yet soon to be overtaken by ‘witch house’ which has made us laugh like flushing toilets), he will make your eyes pop out on stalks. Click over and watch a video that will make you never dance again.

This man is inhuman.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Walter Pandiani might be little more than a jobbing footballer to those of you who have actually heard of him, but from this day forward, he’ll be known as that poor, poor, sweaty bugger.

He currently plays for RCD Espanyol as a striker and has played for a bunch of other teams that you don’t rightly care about.

Anyway, El Rifle should perhaps change his name to El Desodorisante after he leaked roughly nine thousand litres of sweat out of himself during a press conference. Watch over the jump and mock away.

If you don’t want to watch the video in real time, look at his shirt at the start of the video, then knock it on for one minute.

Then knock it on another minute.

Then knock it on another minute.

Repeat until you feel desperately sorry for him.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s been the official line of the United States on gays serving in the military. They don’t want homosexuals sullying the forces with all those feelings and dance moves.

Of course, you’re completely allowed to be gay in America. That’s fine. And America has a lot of gay people. In fact, it’s probably the gay capital of the world.

They’re just not allowed in the army because United States federal law Pub.L. 103-160 (10 U.S.C. § 654) prohibits people who “demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts” because they’ll “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.” You wouldn’t get the straights dry-humping each other, semi-naked, miming Barbie Girl, would you? What? They already are?!

While the DADT act prohibits any homosexual or bisexual person from disclosing his or her sexual orientation, or indeed, speaking about any homosexual relationships of any kind, it doesn’t discourage soldiers from having their picture taken next to piles of people who have passed out from torture in Abu Ghraib.

It doesn’t stop Army vets from recording profanity laden rap songs attacking Soulja Boy either.

This seems stupid really because America is definitely more gay than it is violent. There’s a lot more sodomy going down right now that shootings, raps and whatever else America thinks it gets up to.

In fact, the United States couldn’t be more gay. Even the straight people are really gay. That’s a good thing. Well done America, you big nation of gays.

To celebrate the end of DADT on September 20, 2011, here’s you not gay army men, pretty much having it off with each other to Aqua.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Every so often the world unites behind a cause which transcends nationality, colour, creed or sexuality. These causes can be anything from the protection of human rights to people coming together in search of justice (not a lynch mob, that’s not the same thing at all).

Of course, these things don’t always mean much. For example, much of the reaction to Haribo’s new advert, starring “the average nuclear family” in a musical number about sweets, has been hugely negative. People hate it and they’re getting together to show how much they dislike it.

We had managed to avoid the advert entirely until one fateful night when DepEd Michael put it on while the rest of the staff were out drinking cheap beer and getting knocked back by prostitutes. Find out what happened after the jump…

Panic Stations:

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Cleaned the vomit from your mouth yet?

Good.

See, while Cowell was talking to not-actually-that-shocking-a-shock-jock Howard Stern, the Pop Culture Mogul talked about his past dalliances and the turbulent state of his current engagement tofiancée Mezhgan Hussainy.

At the moment, he’s got no idea whether they’re still engaged. When asked, he said

‘not sure’

Annoyed by the convo, Cowell spoke of being betrothed in past tense and grumpily said that he wouldn’t be talking about it any further.

Spokesman Max Clifford says:

‘He likes to keep (his relationship) private. In terms of the relationship, it is long distance. He is back in England at the moment, and when he goes back she will be doing things. When he goes back to the States, she will be doing stuff. To my knowledge they are not having any problems.’

Applying the rule of Anything Max Clifford Says Is Likely To Be The Polar Opposite Of What’s Going On, we can assume that Cowell is indeed having problems and that he isn’t in England and that Simon Cowell is in fact a woman.

Or something.

Still, you want to know about the threesome. Simon confessed to having one years ago, as well as having a date with Denise Richards while she was heavily pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s child.

Talking about his disgusting ménage-a-trois, he said:

‘A threesome? Yeah, years and years ago… I mean a long, long time ago, I was with these two girls and ended up in bed. It was cool. It was a lot of fun.’

And dating Richards, a former Bond girl no less:

‘We arranged to meet at a hotel polo lounge. She turned up eight months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.’

A dog. In a handbag. Did she have kittens in her coat pockets and a lizard secreted in her colon too? Hollywood is weird.

Cowell also isn’t a fan of condoms either. Apparently, they’re

‘something you wore when you were 17 or something’.

‘There are other alternative methods’

Push your boobs together, because Cowell is coming! Oh, X Factor USA starts on September 21 at 8pm on Fox.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

There’s a lot of big talk from people about the London 2012 Olympics, not to mention some dumb track meet that’s been on the television recently, presented by various children’s TV presenters.

What’s the fuss?

Seriously – athletics is the stupidest thing ever. All that running around and throwing things at an innocent field. For what? Just to outdo someone else and win a necklace? Here’s some videos to prove it.

For starters (orders), presenting athletics is so stupid that usually sane humans lose all power of speech and brains.

As you may have seen recently, poor Ortis Deley drove nails through his career as he bumbled his way around the English language, looking like a confused toad in a wheelie bin.

Let us once again, look at Ortis Deley’s ‘presenting masterclass’.

Take note of the marvellous ‘good night’ segment, which is surely the finest piece of television ever broadcast.

Even athletes can succumb to the pointlessness of athletics. This Australian runner ran all the thoughts out of her head and was left with a wide-eyed appreciation of the darker workings of the human mind.

This is the best post-match interview you’ll ever see.

And before you even get to be interviewed, sports can mangle your mind so much that you end up completely forgetting the point of what you’re supposed to be doing, as this hurdles guy shows.

And after all your endeavours, as you reach the finishing line, you treat everyone to this spectacle, showing the world that you’ve run yourself ragged for absolutely no reason. At least you look very, very funny.

Still, better than idly sitting on a bench and getting a javelin through your back.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!