Not any more, though. Daniel Craig is James Bond now, so that means that when you watch a James Bond film you’re essentially getting whatever happened in the last Bourne movie, but without any of the interesting bits about amnesia.

And this has upset Roger Moore. Moore says he’s saddened by all the flashy violence in the new Daniel Craig James Bond movies, and he wishes that 007 films could be more like the ones he made. The thing is, he’s got a point – we know we’d have enjoyed Quantum Of Solace quite a lot more if all the parkour scenes starred a wheezy old man in a corset who looks like he smells of urine-soaked leather instead of Daniel Craig.

Everyone has their favourite Bond. Purists like Sean Connery, discerning connoisseurs like George Lazenby, ironic students like Roger Moore, idiots like Timothy Dalton, people with weird preoccupations with space lasers like Pierce Brosnan and lonely single female office temps like Daniel Craig.

With each new James Bond comes a new reflection of the times. And, if you’ve seen Quantum Of Solace, you’ll know that the times we’re in now require a mute cardigan-wearing nightclub bouncer who smacks people in the face a lot and never ever tells any jokes ever.

Honestly, Quantum Of Solace is so brainlessly devoid of wit or substance that it’s just one giant Ebonics-speaking robot away from being a Michael Bay movie. In Quantum Of Solace, James Bond isn’t the stylishly bulletproof playboy that he’s supposed to be; he’s a squat thug who grunts a lot and – this is heartbreaking – doesn’t get to have sex with one of the Bond girls because she tells him that his mind is like a prison cell. He doesn’t even try to rape her. It’s such a letdown.

And we’re not the only ones disappointed by the new James Bond. The old James Bond is equally disappointed. Although he initially stuck up for Daniel Craig after his appointment as 007, Roger Moore has now decided that there’s too much bang bang and not enough kiss kiss in films like Quantum Of Solace. Reuters reports:

“I am happy to have done it, but I’m sad that it has turned so violent,” Moore said before “Quantum of Solace,” starring Daniel Craig as a darker Agent 007, opens in North America on Friday. “That’s keeping up with the times, it’s what cinema-goers seem to want and it’s proved by the box-office figures.”

Although Roger Moore does have a point – Quantum Of Solace would have been slightly more bearable if James Bond managed to crack a smile for even a second during it – we could all do well to remember that Roger Moore is an 81-year-old man and therefore automatically hates violence. Give him a week or two and we wouldn’t be surprised if he also starts complaining about how young policemen look and those fiddly new 5p coins.

And, who knows, maybe in 30 years’ time Daniel Craig will also complain about how violent James Bond has got. Admittedly for 007 movies to get any more violent than they already are, the next James Bond will need to be a cyborg with chainsaws for arms and a flamethrower rectum, but let’s not rule that out right now.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman’s his girlfriend. Allegedly.

Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we’ve always said, there ain’t no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.

You have to feel for Suge Knight a little bit, don’t you? Once feared by all who met him, his life has recently turned into a bit of a farce.

Where he was once the man who apocryphally held Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building and forced one of Diddy’s associates to drink a cup of urine, now he’s the fat bankrupt bloke who shot himself in the leg that time. Hardly compares, does it?

Still, that’s not to say that Suge Knight has lost his ability to physically intimidate others. He allegedly did a pretty good job of physically intimidating his girlfriend recently, for example. And when we say ‘physically intimidate’ we obviously mean ‘driving in a car punching her in the head until she escaped and then threatening her with a knife.

Because that’s what Suge Knight has been arrested for in Las Vegas. Or, as E! Online puts it:

The 43-year-old Knight had allegedly been punching his girlfriend of three years in the head while he was driving, per the incident report. The woman… grabbed the steering wheel in an attempt to escape, and the vehicle ran up against the curb, coming to a stop. She then managed to flee the car on foot with the burly Knight in pursuit. Just as he caught up to her and brandished a knife at her, officers arrived.

What’s more, a police search uncovered a stash of Ecstasy in Suge’s possession as well. It hasn’t been reported whether Suge Knight was under the influence of Ecstasy at the time, but it’d explain a lot if he was. After all, the drug Ecstasy is renowned for its violence-inducing properties, as explained in the 1988 techno hit I’ll Pull A Knife On You, You Bitch by Altern-8.

But anyway, at least this arrest might end up carving out a new career avenue for Suge Knight. Provided, of course, that VH-1 got our pitch for the reality TV show Celebrity Wifebeaters starring Suge, Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman, and featuring special guest star Bill Murray as the inexplicably violent next door neighbour Punchy McSexualaddiction.

Look, shut up – it couldn’t be as bad as Flavor Of Love, OK?

You would always be rolling on the floor with laughter and your text messages would be constantly filled with zany LOLs and your knee would have a constant bruise from all that knee-slapping hilarity.

That is unless you’re Bill Murray’s wife, in which case you’d be rolling on the floor after being clocked by your drunk, drugged up husband and you’d have non-hilarity induced bruises. Or at least, those are some of the things Bill Murray’s wife is saying led to her filing for divorce from Bill Murray just now.

Now what do we learn here, ladies? We learn that marrying a man for his stunning good-looks does not make for a lasting relationship.

Bill Murray has brought us many things over the years. He’s brought us movies about ghosts and busters and ghostbusters, and a bunch of other movies, but we really just remember him for Ghostbusters. He also brought many an unfortunate-looking funny men across the world hope in the ways of acquiring ladies like Andie McDowell and Scarlett Johansson.

According to Bill Murray’s wife of ten years, Jennifer Butler Murray, Bill Murray also brought chapters from the Charlie Sheen sex addiction and Dennis Rodman physical violence into their marriage, along with a little pot smoking and whatnot. According to court documents, Bill Murray’s wife cited the following reasons for wanting to divorce Bill Murray:

“…adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Bill Murray’s wife isn’t just mad that Bill Murray frequently abandoned her at grocery stores, public parks, parties, and the Oscars, but there are lots of juicy, sickening examples in the documents saying that Bill Murray:

“would often leave the state or country without telling [his wife]; travels overseas where he engaged in public and private altercations and sexual liaisons; hit her in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ And left threatening voice messages on the home telephone which the minor children have heard.”

Surely, we’ll be hearing statements from Camp Bill pretty soon about how these allegations are false and how Bill Murray’s wife is actually the slimy twat in all of this. Actually, Bill Murray doesn’t have a publicist, or an agent, so maybe we’ll just get a slurred, belligerent voice mail from Bill Murray calling everyone stupid little pigs, confusing himself with Alec Baldwin, and confusing us with his kids.

After all, anyone who's ever been to the east end of London knows that every five or six weeks a gang of unconvincing, slightly-too-theatrical thugs burst into the local pub for no real reason and kick a pregnant woman over.

That exact thing happened on EastEnders not so long ago, and now Ofcom has criticised the episode. Not because of the unusual and irresponsible level of pre-watershed violence, though – but because it was honestly the single most rubbish thing to appear on television in the last 12 months, other than the failed BBC2 pilot Look! Adrian Chiles In A Bikini! And because of the violence too, actually. A bit.

Ladies, here's a warning – if you ever find yourself pregnant on EastEnders, get out of town as quickly as you can. It doesn't matter where you go – George Street, Up West – but just don't stick around. EastEnders hates pregnant women, so in that respect it's just like the Lost island, only with more depressed pikeys.

If you're pregnant on EastEnders, it means your husband is either doing it with a bruised headed market-stall Gollum, or it means that a mental doctor is going to try to slice open your stomach even though people at home are trying to eat their dinner, or it means that a weird gang of deeply unrealistic football hooligans led by Lenny Henry's put-upon assistant from the Premier Inn adverts are going to kick you over a beer barrel. 

On November 13 last year, that's exactly what happened during an episode of EastEnders. An entire episode was dedicated to showing what it looks like when a group of posh, overly theatrical gasbags are employed to smash up a pub using one episode of The Bill from 1986 as their sole reference point to what poor people are like.

And that episode of EastEnders was violent. Unusually so. If you missed it, here are some edited highlights. In particular, look out for the 19 second mark, the 33 second mark, 49 seconds, 1:25, 2:42, 2:53, 3:30, 7:02 and 7:09. Not because they're violent, but because in years to come historians will pinpoint these moments as the least-convincing pieces of acting in all of television history…

Violent, huh? Distressing, you might even say. Or rubbish. Rubbish is also accurate. Anyway, Ofcom certainly agrees with the violent part – it got 78 complaints from viewers about the episode, who we imagine were all so alarmed by the Sidekick Thug's rubbery goon face that they all started crying. And Ofcom has upheld the complaints, saying:

"Although EastEnders is not made specifically for children it does attract a significant child audience, and any portrayal of violence needs to be carefully considered. The programme started with the gang attack on the Queen Vic. This involved a sustained, intense and high level of violence, destroying parts of the pub with hammers and bottles and glasses smashing into the furniture, to intimidate the locals, some of whom were injured. Regular viewers of EastEnders are aware that this soap deals, on occasions, with tough social issues. This is balanced, however, with the expectation that it will be suitable for children to view, who form a significant minority of the audience."

Yeah, that told you!

Now, with its wrist slapped, EastEnders will have to heed Ofcom's warning unless it wants another tongue-lashing. Maybe a rethink is in order, which is why we demand that EastEnders sacks all the characters with a violent past immediately and replaces them with an adorable little puppy that can't stop sneezing. It's the only way.

Read more: 

EastEnders violence ruled out of order – Guardian