Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The trouble with time travel is that if you go to the past and step on a butterfly, that butterfly’s family will then travel to the future and murder you and everyone you love.

We can’t remember how that old adage goes, actually. That makes the Chronovisor, invented by Father Pellegrino Ernetti, quite convenient. On it, you see, you can view the past without disturbing it – TV style.

The paranormal world can stand impressively on it’s own two feet until you ask for concrete evidence of this or that. When that happens the whole thing can crumble right before an unbeliever’s eyes. Believers though – well they’re busy making evidence of their own – like the Spiricom - remember that thing? It was the machine that communicated with the dead. A few conversations using it were caught on tape – including one where the dead guy talked carrots. It’s fascinating, really.

And then there’s the Psychomanteum. That’s used for dead talking too, but it uses a lot less wires and circuit boards than the Spiricom.

Now the Chronovisor, on the other hand, it doesn’t talk to the dead – but it will let you see them. In the past we mean. Because it’s a time travel machine. Not the kind that leaves flaming skid marks – no – those one’s actually transport you to the past. Hypothetically. The Chronovisor just lets you view transpired events from the comfort of your favourite arm chair.

This according to Wikipedia:

“The chronovisor was portrayed as a large cabinet with a normal cathode ray tube for viewing the received events and a series of buttons, levers, and other controls for selecting the time and the location to be viewed. It could also focus and track specific people. According to its inventor, it worked by receiving, decoding and reproducing the electromagnetic radiation left behind from past events, though it could also pick up sound waves.”

Now if you had a machine like that, what would you tune in to first? The murder of JFK? Roswell? Your horny parents conceiving you?

Well if you were a Catholic priest, you’d probably want to watch the crucifixion. And photograph it. Like it says the machine’s inventor Father Pellegrino Ernetti did here on Wikipedia:

“He said that he observed, among other historical events, Christ’s crucifiction and photographed it. A photo of this, Ernetti said, appeared in the May 2, 1972 issue of La Domenica del Corriere, an Italian weekly news magazine.”

Obviously there was a lot of doubt and scepticism regarding Ernetti’s claims. The picture of the crucified Christ (see attached), for instance, looked an awful lot like a wood carving made by some famous or not-famous pocket knife sculptor.

To top it off, there were rumours that on his death bed Ernetti took it all back in a last ditch effort to not walk through the pearly gates with a weird lie in tow.

Also, he said the machine got dismantled in the Vatican or something – so just because nobody can show it to you doesn’t mean it never existed. If you’re the type of person who needs to see it to believe it, well, you’re probably never gonna believe it, and you’re stupid anyway. Right, Ernetti?

If it did exist it’s a real shame it’s been reduced to a pile of pieces. Think of all the murders that could be solved with something like that. Also – you could keep rewinding and watching that one awesome game-saving catch you made in the seventh grade that caused your teammates to hoist you on shoulder and carry you briskly through a shower of ticker tape and the keys to several cities.

Man, back then you were good, weren’t you?

If only your dad had brought his stupid camera.

Your kids will never believe you.

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Okay, okay… so that isn't quite accurate.

The 80th Annual Academy Awards was in fact watched by 32 million Americans. Now, anyone who works in the rating business will tell you that 32 million people are not to be sniffed at. Hell, that's almost as many people as tuned in that time hecklerspray appeared on Blind Date (you know, the episode in which we took that midget to Legoland and snared her growth-deficient heart).

32 million viewers for the Oscars, though? That's nothing. That's pathetic. That's so darn depressing that Old Mr Statue is crying golden tears and getting ready to wrap a noose made of film reel around his neck. All with a soundtrack by John Williams, of course.

Sunday night's ceremony actually saw the lowest viewing figures for the Oscars since records began. The previous lowpoint was in 2003, when Steve Martin presented and Chicago won Best Picture – an evening so unremittingly mediocre that scientists across the world were obtaining scale-busting readings on their Tediumoters™.

What reason is being given for this disastrous performance? The fact that no-one actually went to see any of the nominated films is a prime suspect, and also a telling one. The highest ever viewing figures for the Oscars were recorded in 1998, the year that James Cameron's Titanic swept the board, and 55 million people switched on to watch L.A Confidential lose out to DiCaprio and Co.

All of which factors into hecklerspray's worldview quite well. The worldview being, of course, that people are stupid, and that had the Oscars been bestowing shiny figurines on idiot-fodder like Spider-Man 3 or Scary Movie 17, chances are that ten times the number of gawkers would have slumped before their TV sets, clapping and squealing whenever they showed a clip of that funny Adam Sandler pulling a face like he was doing a poo-poo.

Next year's line-up, then? Expect changes, people. There'll be no Coen Brothers masterpieces or respected French actresses getting those shiny gongs. Instead, we can presumably look forward to a nomination list that includes Extreme DeathRace 2050, Ghosts Of Mars 2, a remake of Cutthroat Island and the Wayan Brothers' latest Give Us Your Money, You Bunch Of Easily-Impressed Illiterate Shitbuckets.

Guest host: Paris Hilton.

Read More:

Sluggish Oscars Were Least-Watched Ever – ABC