More then likely because it’s not real.

But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham.

Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.

The new football season is yet to kick off, meaning it must be the kind of time when all professionals in the game are looking for something to do – if it isn’t polishing up on their roasting skills, then its whoring yourself out for bread-based rewards.

So what are the UK’s finest footballing export and pointless wife thinking of doing to dominate every media opportunity available? Clashing our heads together, we’ve come to realise that the only realistic TV appearances Becks could make would be for his personal mental development – a journey of educational discover in one of America’s fine learning institutions. But which one?

Let’s face it; do you really think that he could turn up to some fancy looking high school like in One Tree Hill without looking out of place? No. In fact, the only place he could squeeze in and almost look like he fit in would be at Bayside High with AC Slater and the gang, as David donned Lycra to try out for the homoerotic wrestling team. Though that’s not really an option now, with most of the Saved By The Bell cast (read: Screech) off doing porn and things.

No, the typical American school (off of TV) is no place for thirty three-year-old bloke with such a hectic lifestyle. As we all know, he’s too busy when he isn’t playing football, looking after his wife and pretending to care about her latest trauma when she doesn’t get the latest pair of six inch Jimmy Choo heels in custard yellow.

So what is the best alternative place of learning for an American? If you haven’t realised already, it’s Sesame Street. The show has been running for thirty nine series and is still going strong – though sadly for the UK, we never recieved the full benefit of the program like our American counterparts, with the show ceasing to be aired in favour of The Hoobs. Strangely though, despite their extra years of education, our friends across the pond still sometimes come across as a bit slow.

Show bosses have picked up on David Beckham’s fascination with Sesame Street, and though there is the distinct possibility that his young children know better than daddy does that Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Elmo aren’t actually real, we aren’t about to ruin the illusion. After all, we don’t want tears before the bedtime milk and cookies are served. A source told Closer magazine:

“David has always been a huge fan. When he was a kid he watched it and knew all the characters.”

See! He knows all the characters! All of the people who said that a bag of spanners were more intelligent than David Beckham can just leave the building now.

So what’s he actually going to be doing? Because the show is educational and all that, there isn’t going to be a special football-based version of the programme with David demonstrating his flicks, kicks and other fancy tricks. Closer again informs us that he’ll:

“Teach Elmo how to spell his favourite word. And you never guess what it is! Not posh, foot or ball – it’s persistent.”

Persistent? We thought that ‘ball’ or ‘goal’ would be obvious, but persistent? Could that be used in a sentence commonly uttered by Becks? “My wife is persistent in grabbing limelight for herself” or “My wife is persistent in her quest to not just be written off as a footnote in the history of celebrity.”

Besides, we thought Elmo’s favourite word would be hamburger. You learn something every day it seems.

With riveting daily appearances of the couple leaving some restaurant, and David modeling undies on banners that are so huge you can actually see his junk from space, it’s no wonder the world in obsessed with the Becks.

Luckily, Ireland has come to provide us with more Beckham madness. A Posh and Becks musical is coming to Dublin. Yes, two straight hours of a man unsuccessfully trying to feed a crouton to a broomstick is finally a reality!

David and Victoria Beckham are rather perplexing. It may be because we still harbour a deep grievance because our alter ego, Greasy Spice, wasn’t selected to be part of the Spice Girls, but it doesn’t make sense that a couple famous for being photographed leaving restaurants, walking hand in hand like two impeccably dressed zombies are such a phenomenon.

Sure, David probably wishes his popularity would invigorate interest in football in the US instead of being known for having a wife that looks like a fashionable Skeletor with breast implants, but he's popular nonetheless.

The Beckhams are like a runaway freight train you’d throw your gran in front of if you believed she could stop it. But since she probably won’t, the next logical thing is to make a musical about the couple called MacBecks, which is scheduled to open in January 2009 in Dublin. 

Okay, so the idea of a musical about David and Victoria Beckham isn’t quite as painfully disabling once a few more details are unearthed. It’s going to be a satirical mix of comedy, song, headlines about the couple, and bit of plays by William Shakespeare, including Romeo and Juliet, King Lear and, obviously, Macbeth. So, to clarify, as long as stuff is being mocked, we're all good.

Reportedly, Posh’s character will be ambitious like Lady Macbeth, whose husband will sacrifice his career for her. No report on if a Tom Cruise character will step in and encourage David’s character to relocate to a new continent where David’s fame will turn out to be over-estimated in its ability to get people interested in a sport they’re not interested in.

Sadly, it doesn’t look as though Posh’s character will be played by Posh herself, but a mop is said to be on the verge of securing the role. Luckily for the mop, Katie Holmes is already signed on for another Broadway play, eliminating the mop’s fiercest competition.

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

Queen Victoria was born on May 24th 1819 and died on January 22 1901, and only lived for 81 years, seven months and 29 days. But today Liz has pissed all over that record and made it look like the life of a daddy longlegs in comparison to her own legacy – a mammoth 81 years, seven months, 29 days and five minutes!

Along with her 60th wedding anniversary with Prince Phillip, it’s the second time this month that the Queen has been banging on the doors of the Guinness world record fellows. However, she still has some way to go before she beats Victoria as the longest-reigning British monarch. That accolade would be achieved should Liz 2 still be throning it up on September 9 2015.

If her mother was anything to go by, that record’ll be as easy to achieve as wiping a harlot of a daughter-in-law off the face of the planet with one click of her fingers (something that Queen Liz has never attempted, to her great credit).

During Queen Victoria’s life, she managed to survive the traumas of no less than three assassination attempts – the first an attempt by 18-year-old Edward Oxford, who fired two shots whilst the then Queen was riding in a carriage with Prince Albert in London. Both missed the target (though rumour has it one pierced Albert's bell-end) and, remarkably, he was acquitted of High Treason on the grounds of insanity. 

And it’s been a tough four score and one and a bit for Liz as well; she’s had to read one whole speech each year, she has – on more than one occasion – had to ask one of her servants to wipe Corgi shit of her Persian rug and the pain she must have felt when she first saw Charles’ face as it strained out her stretched royal vagina… well, we’ll never know.

So well done to you, Lizzy, on behalf of all at hecklerspray. God has certainly been listening each time we belt out our National Anthem before our work here starts each morning.

Here’s to another 81 years!

Read more:

Queen takes Victoria longevity mark – Press Association