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Victoria Beckham

Stop The Press! Victoria Beckham Gets A Flipping Haircut!

by Stuart Heritage

The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it – but forget that.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.

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Victoria Beckham’s Diet Plans For Katie Holmes

by hecklerspray staff

FROM DIETPIXIE – Tom Cruise has welcomed the recommencement of Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes’ friendship, but only if the ‘d’ word is banned.

Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria.

TomKat are hoping to start babymaking in the near future, just like the Beckhams, and Tom is worried that Katie will become too obsessed with her diet and fitness regimes.

Read the rest of this entry (opens in a new window) >>

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Victoria Beckham To Never Ever Sing Ever Again

by Stuart Heritage

Fans of Victoria Beckham’s 2002 number 6 smash hit A Mind Of Its Own, if you exist, prepare yourselves for the worst.

You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

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You! Is Your Cleavage Nicer Than This Shambles?

by Stuart Heritage

When you’re a female celebrity, getting your cleavage right is the difference between looking like a classy fashionista who everyone wants to be or, say, Victoria Beckham.

But who’s got the best dressed cleavage at the moment? Here’s a hint – it certainly isn’t Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham looks like someone implanted two monkey skulls three feet apart on her ribcage in her sleep and she hasn’t noticed yet. Her boobs look like two vacuum-packed tennis balls being kept apart by magnetic repulsion.

Anyway, as we were saying, if Victoria Beckham has the worst-dressed cleavage in the world (and she has – if someone showed you a close-up photo of Victoria Beckham’s cleavage and then a close-up photo of a tramp’s bare testicles stretched out under some chiffon you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference) then who’s got the best?

Is it you? We’ve come across a best-dressed cleavage competition – a classy one, not one of those manky Nuts magazine ‘woarr, show us your tits’ one – that asks you to post photos of your cleavage online. The winner gets £250 of lingerie vouchers, and becomes the face of a website’s boutique lingerie section, and will probably be responsible for the wistful sighs of several bored old men around the world. Who could say no to that?

A word of advice, though. Don’t bother entering if you’re Victoria Beckham, You won’t win. We’ve got a nicer cleavage than you and we’re men. Hairy, hairy men.

Read more:

Best Dressed Cleavage Competition – OSOYOU

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Victoria Beckham: Boo Hoo Hoo, It’s So Difficult Being Me

by Stuart Heritage

There are two reasons why celebrities don’t often complain about their lives: 1) because their lives are brilliant and 2) because it makes them look like twats if they do.

Victoria Beckham clearly wasn’t sent this particular memo, though, because she’s on the front cover of Vogue this month complaining about how tough it is to be her, what with all the money and fame and jewels and whatnot.

Victoria Beckham does have a point, of course – remove the giant LA mansion and husband who earns close to a million dollars a week and what are you left with? A scrawny orange twig with a speaking voice like a narcoleptic hairdresser and a face that looks like it was caught in a lift. So on this basis, yes, Victoria Beckham has got plenty to whinge about.

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Victoria Beckham Worst Dressed, Says Leatherfaced Old Man

by Stuart Heritage

Forget Christmas, Easter or that one day we’re allowed to be unchained from our desks for 30 minutes, Mr Blackwell’s worst-dressed list is always our favourite time of year.

Once a year at the start of January, thousand-year-old Mr Blackwell is temporarily defrosted from his diamante-studded cryogenic chamber, flicks through a few celebrity magazines and then lists the ten worst-dressed people of the year, spending extra-special time to make sure each celebrity description sounds like some sort of froth-mouthed witch’s incantation.

And this year we’d like to advise Victoria Beckham not to read Mr Blackwell’s list. That’s assuming she can read, of course, which we’ll admit is a stretch.

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UK Trainwreck Of The Year Awards: THE RESULTS!

by Stuart Heritage

We asked and you responded – here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It’s a prestigious title, that’s for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let’s find out…

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Barbara Walters Thinks The Beckhams Are Fascinating – No, Really

by Stuart Heritage

If any of you want to appear fascinating to Barbara Walters, here’s a tip – why not try splitting your time between humourless self-absorption and badly-tuned mewing with a touring nostalgic pop act?

Because that’s what Victoria Beckham has done, and it’s got her into Barbara Walters’ prestigious 10 Most Fascinating People Of The Year list. Although her complete failure to establish herself as an actress or presenter on American TV might make it look as if Victoria Beckham has had a massively depressing year, at least the inclusion on Barbara Walters’ fascinating list means it hasn’t been a total disaster. And we’re so happy for her that we’re willing to overlook the fact that Barbara Walters calling Victoria Beckham fascinating is basically an admission that 2007 was so drearily unfascinating that everyone might as just suffocate themselves to death in their sleep tonight.

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Oh Dear Lord, No – Victoria Beckham To Get Naked

by Stuart Heritage

What with the imminant Spice Girls reunion, the accompanying braindead Tesco adverts and the multimillionaire footballer husband, you’d think that Victoria Beckham was probably doing OK for publicity at the moment.

But since we understand that Victoria Beckham’s quest for attention won’t rest until all TV stations show nothing but an unsmiling image of her face, all newborn babies are genetically altered to look just like her and planet Earth is renamed planet Victoria Beckham Isn’t An Idiot Actually, she’s not satisfied with any of this. And that’s presumably why Victoria Beckham has decided to get naked. However, Victoria Beckham is only getting naked for a new T-shirt design, putting to rest any fears that she’s going to strip off in the middle of Picadilly Circus screaming “LOVE ME!” over and over again until she starts crying and someone from St John’s Ambulance has to take her for a sit down and a nice cup of tea.

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