Articles tagged with: Victoria Beckham
Victoria Beckham And Eva Longoria Have Skinny-Off At Child’s Party
You're a fan of ladies with legs that are literally as thin as half a sheet of tracing paper? Why, step this way, we have two of 'em. Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there's absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn't know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids' party, right? Guess they couldn't afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That's where it's really at.
You're a fan of ladies with legs that are literally as thin as half a sheet of tracing paper? Why, step this way, we have two of 'em. Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there's absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn't know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids' party, right? Guess they couldn't afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That's where it's really at.
The Beckhams Vs The Thai Monks Of Koh Samui – It’s On!
The Beckhams each have their own agendas. David likes to try stringing simple sentences together so that nobody confuses with a messed-up character from The Wizard Of Oz. Victoria, meanwhile, hones in on any nearby cameras so that the paparazzi can take another photo of her pulling a face like of a cow that's just had a hand shoved up its arse. Thai monks, on the other hand, do nothing all day apart from being at one with the planet and acting extremely hard. One thing that does nark them off, though, is when animals and insects are innocently killed, possibly with the bug zappers that David and Victoria Beckham have just installed in their Thai home. Whoops.
The Beckhams each have their own agendas. David likes to try stringing simple sentences together so that nobody confuses with a messed-up character from The Wizard Of Oz. Victoria, meanwhile, hones in on any nearby cameras so that the paparazzi can take another photo of her pulling a face like of a cow that's just had a hand shoved up its arse. Thai monks, on the other hand, do nothing all day apart from being at one with the planet and acting extremely hard. One thing that does nark them off, though, is when animals and insects are innocently killed, possibly with the bug zappers that David and Victoria Beckham have just installed in their Thai home. Whoops.
David Beckham’s Servants Allegedly ‘Nick All Of David Beckham’s Stuff’
Just because David Beckham earns about £400 billion every second, it doesn't mean you can go around pinching his things. That's the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay. It just goes to show that when you're as famous as the Beckhams are, you can't trust anyone - not even your own staff. It's not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David's reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.
Just because David Beckham earns about £400 billion every second, it doesn't mean you can go around pinching his things. That's the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay. It just goes to show that when you're as famous as the Beckhams are, you can't trust anyone - not even your own staff. It's not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David's reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.
Victoria Beckham Gets Face Slathered In Poo
Beauty, real beauty, isn’t skin deep. Wait – no wait – beauty is skin deep. It’s all those internal organs that aren’t. Also the veins are jammed way down deep in there. And you know what? All that inside stuff can be as ugly as it needs to be, because those things usually aren’t what have to pose for pictures and such. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to get our Uncle Morty as a mortician. Taking pictures of things with their skin off is a definite passion of his. You should have seen it when he had the former mayor down there. It was gorgeous. You know what else is gorgeous? You – but only when you properly exfoliate with the grainy dung of a nightingale. Don’t be ashamed – nowadays bird poo is as essential to true attractiveness as tooth paste and hair conditioner. It’s good enough for the Beckhams you know. They smear themselves with it all the time.
Beauty, real beauty, isn’t skin deep. Wait – no wait – beauty is skin deep. It’s all those internal organs that aren’t. Also the veins are jammed way down deep in there. And you know what? All that inside stuff can be as ugly as it needs to be, because those things usually aren’t what have to pose for pictures and such. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to get our Uncle Morty as a mortician. Taking pictures of things with their skin off is a definite passion of his. You should have seen it when he had the former mayor down there. It was gorgeous. You know what else is gorgeous? You – but only when you properly exfoliate with the grainy dung of a nightingale. Don’t be ashamed – nowadays bird poo is as essential to true attractiveness as tooth paste and hair conditioner. It’s good enough for the Beckhams you know. They smear themselves with it all the time.
Stop The Press! Victoria Beckham Gets A Flipping Haircut!
The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it - but forget that. We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People - Victoria Beckham has cut her hair. We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there's nothing any of us can do about it. But it's not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair - it's the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well - one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.
The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it - but forget that. We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People - Victoria Beckham has cut her hair. We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there's nothing any of us can do about it. But it's not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair - it's the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well - one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.
Victoria Beckham’s Diet Plans For Katie Holmes
FROM DIETPIXIE - Tom Cruise has welcomed the recommencement of Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes’ friendship, but only if the ‘d’ word is banned. Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria. TomKat are hoping to start ...
FROM DIETPIXIE - Tom Cruise has welcomed the recommencement of Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes’ friendship, but only if the ‘d’ word is banned. Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria. TomKat are hoping to start ...
Victoria Beckham To Never Ever Sing Ever Again
Fans of Victoria Beckham's 2002 number 6 smash hit A Mind Of Its Own, if you exist, prepare yourselves for the worst. You're never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music. It's not really a surprise - money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We'll get back to you when we know what that actually is.
Fans of Victoria Beckham's 2002 number 6 smash hit A Mind Of Its Own, if you exist, prepare yourselves for the worst. You're never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music. It's not really a surprise - money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We'll get back to you when we know what that actually is.
You! Is Your Cleavage Nicer Than This Shambles?
When you're a female celebrity, getting your cleavage right is the difference between looking like a classy fashionista who everyone wants to be or, say, Victoria Beckham.
But who's got the best dressed cleavage at the moment? Here's a hint - it certainly isn't Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham looks like someone implanted two ...
