Being the stylish woman that she is, professional fashion designer, Victoria Beckham, graced London Fashion Week, as she had done with the New York version a couple of weeks ago. But, while in New York she was noticeable for her whorish orange get up, plus thigh high boots – as though she was trying to take the LA call girl look to the Big Apple – at the London one, she made everyone really cross by looking quite thin.

This has not gone down very well at all with the former pop star, now clothing range guru, and high class perfumiere. Hence, she has taken it upon herself to lash out at the critics, who appear to find something rather disturbing about her protruding bone structure, big fish-eye lens face, and hollow, pip cleaner arms.

She told the Daily Mirror: 

“I have a healthy diet, a healthy lifestyle and plenty of energy to run after my three energetic boys and travel the world managing my fashion business.”

Thankfully for the footballer’s wife, before the knives could really come out, she was already back on a comfortable jet plane, heading back to LA – where, presumably, she’s probably considered to be about the normal size – to tuck into a low carb plate of tiny little leaves and miniscule beans that look like pellets. All washed down with transparent low-fat water from the fountains of the gods. Or something. Her withered, hungry presence at London Fashion Week was only felt for a couple of days.

She’s never exactly been far away from scrutiny, that Victoria Beckham, whether it’s her decision to humiliate her sexual life partner by dressing him up in a skirt, or the mystery of her remarkable growing breasts. And now, her place in British hearts as a role model for young girls – girls who simply yearn to escape their boring lives, get a nice tan and marry a footballer who looks great in the flesh, but talks like a frightened mouse stuck in a lift – appears to be a star that might be waning somewhat.

On this she said:

“I appreciate there are young girls and women who look at me as a role model and it is untrue to say I do not eat and I am unhealthy.”

A quote that will come as a blessed relief to the scores of Victoria Beckham fans who have been flirting with the idea of throwing up after meals. It’s not the done thing, girls. Don’t do it.

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For those of you not keeping up to date with important fashion moments, it’s New York Fancy Dress Week right now, and whether it has been deliberately scheduled to coincide with the anniversary of those terrible plane attacks, we’re not sure.

One thing is for certain though, it’s making for a fine distraction.

Just yesterday Victoria Beckham took the opportunity to wow the angular fashion world – with their wedge haircuts, little moustaches, and hilariously small feet – by turning up at a po-faced Vogue party, specifically Fashion’s Night Out at Bergdorf Goodman, dressed as an LA prostitute.Whilst other megastars like Rihanna, Gwen Stefani, the skinny Olsen Twin Towers, and Sienna Miller – who once famously spent a few months enduring Jude Law’s enthusiastic tongue kisses, and gropy, smearing hands – all chose to look demure and sensual, Mrs Beckham strode in wearing thigh high leather boots, a dress that stopped just short of exposing the upside-down McDonald’s M of her buttocks, and she may or may not have been chewing gum.

The dress, which comes in orange and “leopard print”, was created by a gentleman fashion designer called Giles Deacon – the big throbbing brain behind some men’s underpants and trousers at New Look a year or so ago. A man who also knows models like Agyness Deyn and probably Kate Moss. She’s so cool, that Agyness Deyn – she’s the one with the massive hands, and long willowy arms. You know, the one who isn’t Kate Moss or Lily Cole.

Posh Spice is in New York to launch a range of outfits on her DVB Collection, which apparently “is another strong collection comprising of her signature style dresses as well as a few more edgy surprises.” By which they can only mean that she’s mixed a variety of secretarial skirts and blouses with two or three unbelievably tasteless garments with the crotches cut out, and no room to house an entire woman’s bosom. That, in fashion speak, is what “edgy” means.

The other great news is that she’s also in the process of her cementing her place in the elite list of great celebrity perfumiers of the 21st century. A list which includes Jordan, Kerry Katona, and the late Jade Goody. Her fragrance is called Signature Story, which suggests that she plucked two random S-words from her husbands Oxford English Dictionary and thought they sounded really good together. Other possibilities included Subtle Suicide, Sorority Sunshine, and Strictly Shit. She made the right choice.

According to the right wing pamphlet The Daily Mail:

“She is feeling great,’ says a source. “Just the right mix of nerves and excitement.”

That’s brilliant news. Thanks a lot, “a source”.

This was a guest blog from Josh Burt from Interestment, and mighty fine it is too.

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Paula Abdul’s bad decisions have included singing with a cartoon cat, marrying Emilio Estevez and speaking in public.

But quitting American Idol? That was her worst decision of all. And we don’t say that lightly – this is a woman who deliberately got married to Emilio Estevez, for crying out loud.

Anyway, it seems that the flurry of interest that swamped Paula Abdul’s departure from American Idol has now crawled to a trickle, And Paula now reportedly wants her old job back. Phew, it’s good that Simon Cowell is so famously compassionate, isn’t it? This could have got pretty awkward otherwise.

We’ve all been there. You’re in a relationship that turned stale long ago, so you decide to make a clean break and move on. Then, after the first rush of breathless excitement, you realise that being single doesn’t involve having crazy, borderline-illegal sex with a procession of supermodels – it mainly involves eating beans on toast in a damp flat and weeping because you’re watching a Holby City DVD boxset on your own.

Meanwhile you start to hear rumours that your ex is doing fine without you. More than fine, in fact – they’ve replaced you with someone new, someone prettier, someone less likely to interrupt important conference calls by screeching loudly about diarrhoea for no reason whatsoever. Suddenly you wish you’d never bloody left.

And that’s precisely the situation that Paula Abdul finds herself in at the moment. Sure, when Paula Abdul quit American Idol there was talk of her rapidly jumping ship to another equally-prestigious reality show where she’d be taken more seriously – a show like Dancing With The Stars. But when Dancing With The Stars announced its new line-up this week and Paula Abdul wasn’t on it, the alarm bells started to go off. Not real alarm bells, obviously. We get the impression that sudden loud noises make Paula Abdul kind of jumpy.

This all means that despite leaving American Idol, and then Twittering relentlessly about her decision to leave American Idol, Paula Abdul isn’t sure if she wants to leave American Idol after all. TMZ reports:

Sources connected to Paula Abdul say Miss Paula wants back on “American Idol”. Our sources say Paula’s Twitter is retracted — at least in her mind – if the price is right. The magic number is $10 million… She doesn’t want to do “Dancing with the Stars” — we’re told, because she wants to be able to jump on a plane on a moment’s notice to rejoin her fellow judges on “Idol.”

Wow, so Paula Abdul doesn’t want to join any other TV shows in case she’s mysteriously invited back to American Idol in the middle of the season, perhaps during a time when her reappearance would have the most impact on ratings. How completely unexpected.

It’s Victoria Beckham who we feel most sorry for here – she’d been drafted in as Paula’s American Idol replacement and now it looks like she’ll be jettisoned from her dream job before she can even get comfortable. We certainly hope Victoria Beckham and Paula Abdul don’t fall out about this. Or have a fistfight about it. A fistfight that results in both parties sustaining equally critical injuries. That would be a very bad thing indeed.

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Will Megan Fox’s T&A replace that of Victoria Beckham as the new “face” of Armani?

Megan Fox’s remaining fans who didn’t turn their backs (or genitals) on her during Megan Fox Media Blackout Day, will be chomping at the bit over this news. In only a few months time, we could be seeing a wooden, black and white Megan with her goodies hanging out of a pair of overpriced smalls.

Victoria Beckham’s formerly inflated assets had been doing a sterling job of representing the brand for the last two years. During that time we have had the pleasure of watching her contort herself into a delightful array or poses, all for the sake of art.

However, things have changed since the start of the campaign. Victoria’s chesticles are now a size or two smaller than at the start of the campaign and Armani clearly want someone packing a little more heat. Ha, just shitting. They don’t care about chest size, so long as the model in question is willing to flash to all and sundry for the foreseeable future.

From AHN:

Megan Fox is reportedly replacing Victoria Beckham as the new face of Armani. The “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” star is said to be the next spokesperson of the Emporio Armani underline line. Beckham, who stars in the ads with husband David, allegedly will not renew her one-year contract with the brand and will instead concentrate on her own numerous fashion and beauty projects.

Victoria is at present too busy focusing on her new clothing line and TV appearances to carry the Armani contract forward. That being the case, it seems people actually buy her clothes – who knew? – and her one off ’stiff’ appearance on American Idol was enough to quality as a TV career.

From the Fashion Time:

Just days after the release of Mrs Beckham’s Armani AW09 campaign, Victoria decided not to renew her yearly contract with Armani. She instead announced she will invest in her career as a fashion designer. The launch of her latest collection at Net-a-porter.com was acclaimed by fashion editors all over the world.

Victoria had a shot at being the next 80’s pop icon. Oh wait, no – she only had the chance to be the next Paula Abdul - swaying wildly and murmuring through a mouthful of medication that she loved even the most dire of contestants.

From Radar Online:

Everyone agreed that Victoria Beckham looked lovely as she showed up for her first day of work Friday as an “American Idol” guest judge. But that apparently is where the compliments stop. “It didn’t go too well,” a source close to the production told RadarOnline.com exclusively. Posh Spice was apparently quite bland. “She tried to hard to be ‘nice,’ but came off as icy and wooden,” the source added.

Megan could be the better choice for a whole host of reasons. Well two reasons. Two fair-sized reasons that always appear to have erect nipples.

In lieu of the actual Angelina Jolie who had long been rumoured to be a replacement alongside David Beckham in the upcoming Armani underwear campaigns, her doppelganger is a suitable and reasonably cut-priced alternative. Yay for the recession.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who deserves your adulation.

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Replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol will be tricky – producers need to find someone vivacious, warm and emotional.

But for now they’ll stick with Victoria Beckham. She’s not really any of those things – in fact she’s a sour-faced android, so she’s the precise opposite – but she is available. We can’t overstate that enough. Victoria Beckham is always available for work. Always.

Victoria Beckham will temporarily replace Paula Abdul on the new American Idol. So will Katy Perry, in what appears to be a stipulation on Victoria’s part to ensure that she isn’t the crappiest thing about the new American Idol.

If there’s one thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, it’s a silhouette that doesn’t look exactly like a toffee apple. And if there’s another thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, it’s a speaking voice that doesn’t make her sound like a recruitment consultant from Basildon who detests life. And if there’s another thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, it’s a haircut that didn’t start off as ‘Tinkerbell’ but end up as ‘malnourished pederast’. Or a cleavage that doesn’t look like a human scrotum trapped in a glass vice.

More relevantly, though, if there’s one thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, its to break America. But up until now, all her attempts have gone down in flames. Her reality TV show was cut down to one episode. Her guest spot on Ugly Betty saw her inexplicably adopt the speech patterns of an infant John Merrick having an asthma attack. And her efforts to befriend Katie Holmes were dashed when Katie tripped on a pavement and Victoria discovered that she was full of nothing but wires and bleeping circuit boards.

But now Victoria Beckham’s dream may finally be realised, and it’s all thanks to Paula Abdul. Because Paula Abdul quit American Idol so close to the new season’s audition stages, it left the producers in a bit of a bind. Should they keep the American Idol judging panel as a threesome? Should they hire a permanent judge straight away? Or should they plug the gap with whichever vaguely music-related celebrity had the least amount of real work on at the time?

Luckily for Victoria Beckham, they went with the last option. God bless sweet desperation. People reports:

As the dust settles on the shocking departure of Paula Abdul, 47, from next season’s American Idol, now comes confirmation from Victoria Beckham’s publicist that the former Posh Spice, 35, will make a “one-off appearance” as a guest judge on the top-rated FOX show.

Even though it’s only for one show, it’ll be sort of exciting to see how Victoria Beckham fares on American Idol. Not because we’ll get to see her utilise the culmination of 15 years of music industry knowledge or anything, but because she might get to say “You’re going to Hollywood.” That’s a seven-syllable sentence, which will break her personal best by around four syllables. Exciting!

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Victoria Beckham was the last person I expected at a video games conference.

Before yesterday, I would have thought the chances of it happening were on a par with Susan Boyle doing kids’ TV and Jordan saying anything out loud that doesn’t immediately make me want to hurl myself under a train.

But in she trotted with her small army of publicists and scary-looking bodyguards to have a look around the centre with her kids Brooklyn, Romeo and the other one.

Apparently, we were told, she was there as a guest of Microsoft and came because she wanted her kids to enjoy the show.

I was even told that I may get an interview; some ‘alone time’ with the pencil-thin star.

Excited, I drew up some questions to ask her. Better start with something nice, I thought.

‘So what brings you to E3?’  ‘Are you as excited as I am about the launch of Modern Warfare 2?’ ‘Where’s David? With the nanny?’ and ‘You are looking good’.

Admittedly, the last one is not a question, but at this stage, I had no idea what she would look like, and thought it might earn me some Brownie points, a little more time before her Goebbels-like publicist ushered me out of the room and, if I was lucky, maybe even a rant about how she is sick of the media always commenting on ‘how frail’ she looks.

I even had this great idea of inviting her to take me on in a singing duel on Lips 2, which was just around the corner.

Of course, I knew she would never agree, but was still looking forward to the headline ‘Posh Chickens Out Of Singing Showdown With Hecklerspray’ or ‘Posh Admits Her Singing Voice Sounds Like An Elephant Humping A Fox’.  Admittedly, the last one was a bit of a stretch, but still. Bloody media.

Anyway, I arrived on time, but was quickly told: no interviews. Typical. So I spent the next hour or so following her and her kids around the exhibits hoping to get a couple of words from her.

Well, I got them – get lost. Although she did not say it to me personally, after taking a few too many pictures she murmured a few words to Jack Bauer standing next to her and I was encouraged to move on. I did, fearing some terrible 24 torture situation.

So I moved on, the taste of defeat still clogging up my nose, and was later told that Posh was not the only A-list celebrity at the LA Convention Center, with Mickey Rourke, Justin Timberlake and Steven Spielberg also spotted at the event while I was busy following Posh around.

God, once again, twangs my nose.

But I did not give up, and was soon rewarded with the best celebrity opportunity of them all at an after-show party – a photo opportunity with Christopher Mintz-Plasse (aka McLovin from Superbad).

Check out the photo and feel free to come up with an amusing caption. Looking at the picture, I think my head is twice the size as his. Oh, and notice the sunburn.

As for Posh, well, I have to say, she looked very frail.

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Ladies! Do you wish your boobs could look more like a prolapsed nutsack? You don’t? That’s disappointing.

Because we’re pretty sure that was what Victoria Beckham was shooting for in her new advert for Emporio Armani underwear. OK – do any of you ladies want to turn your boyfriends on by giving them the chilling impression that your skin could peel off leaving behind a metallic, hydraulically-operated endoskeleton? Still no? Victoria Beckham isn’t doing great here, is she?

What about a pencil drawing of a toddler as sketched by an uncomfortably horny teenager? No? Oh well. Sorry Victoria Beckham. We tried.

They say that the computer is the invention capable of making the most mistakes without dying, but that’s clearly rubbish. It’s Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham is the invention capable of making the most mistakes without dying. Virtually everything that Victoria Beckham has done in the last few years has been a terrible, anguished, soul-eroding mistake.

Victoria Beckham’s attempts to become a television presenter? Mistake. Victoria Beckham’s entire relocation to America? Mistake. Victoria Beckham’s Spice Girls reunion? Short-lived mistake. Victoria Beckham’s new haircut? Mistake that makes her look like a male paedophile with an eating disorder.

But despite all this, there are a few things that Victoria Beckham excels at. There’s her career as a fashion designer, for instance, which is enormously successful in its own right and has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that her husband is one of the most famous men on the planet with a salary so offensively large that it can subsidise whatever ridiculous vanity projects her brain decides to arbitrarily fart out. And then there’s twatting about in a bra.

Victoria Beckham is brilliant at twatting about in a bra. She’s proved it before – roughly every time she feels that public interest in her is dwindling, she’ll whack on a lacy bra and flop about for a photographer like a dehydrated toilet floatball – and she’s proved it again now with a new poster for Emporio Armani underwear.

There’s not a lot to say about Victoria Beckham’s new underwear advert, really, except that the part of Victoria Beckham seems to be played by Otzi The Iceman and that as the picture was being taken Victoria seems to be trying to remember what number comes after two. But still, at least Victoria Beckham took the advert more seriously than anyone on the planet, which is to say she actually gave it more than a second of passing thought. Hello reports:

“I was so excited about doing this and I worked out really hard,” the mum-of-three said at the unveiling of the campaign in New York on Wednesday. “I’ve been doing a lot of running because… I look OK but if I am going to be taking my clothes off then I wanted to tone up a little bit! So I’ve worked hard to have the confidence to do it.”

And, really, fair play to her. Victoria Beckham was only paid £12 million to be in the Armani campaign, so it’s great that she showed willingness to tone up for it. We heard that Victoria Beckham doesn’t usually get out of bed for that sort of money.

Actually, that’s not strictly true – she can’t get out of bed because she’s too enfeebled to physically move the duvet from on top of her with her tiny wizened arms – but it’s close enough.

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Apart from hecklerspray’s snazzy new makeover which will no doubt implode into a catastrophic mess of bile and tears, there hasn’t been much to look forward to lately.

Think about it, everyone has either read the spoilers online for Lost or had a moronic friend tell them what’s happened.

The only things worth happening are events we have to all pray for. Such as Bono losing his voice and Jordan being abducted by aliens. Something we hadn’t banked on happening was former Spice Girl and professional twiglet Victoria Beckham quitting music. And she says it’s forever!

During the mid-nineties, Britain had to primarily deal with the craze known as girl power. You couldn’t quite pick up a packet of girl power from the newsagent and swap it with your friends – instead it was seemingly forced down your throat every time you switched on the radio or TV.

Every girl could apparently relate to one of the five Spice Girls. They didn’t come in the form of cinnamon, dill, saffron, sage and pepper, though – they came labelled as something that matched their personality. Thus, Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger and Posh were all unleashed on the world.

Ironically, when the group split, Victoria was the most famous out of the lot. Thanks to scoring with David Beckham, who is quite handy with a football, her profile was dramatically elevated from ‘gormless hack’ to ‘gormless trophy wife’.

With all five members left with nothing to do, this subsequently spawned five terrible solo careers. Amazingly, none of the Spice Girls are still belting out hit after hit. That’s why we now rely on Simon Cowell to bring us disposable popstars to be vaguely interested in for a year or so. Anyone remember Leon Jackson?

Victoria Beckham unleashed the truly awful single Out Of Your Mind with the equally gash Dane Bowers. Despite a stupidly huge marketing campaign, it failed to reach number one and had to settle for number two. History kindly repeated itself when Kylie beat her to number one when Victoria released the single Not Such An Innocent Girl.

Clearly taking the hint, the singing career has been shelved but not completely confirmed as dead and thankfully buried. Thankfully we can all crack open the bottles of Blue Nun we’ve left gathering dust and enjoy a platter of pineapple and sausages on sticks. Victoria has issued the following statement:

“I’m never going to sing again. I am a fashion designer now.”

Yessssssssssssss! With that news, hopefully more piss poor artists will follow soon. Does anyone have the numbers of Daniel Bedingfield and Craig David? They’re long overdue to enter the musical cemetery and are just avoiding their place alongside Steps and All Saints.

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Cruz Beckham. Crazy name, crazy guy. Actually, there’s absolutely no proof of that. He is only four, after all. You didn’t know? Oh, yeah, had his birthday party the other day. It was at the Xtreme Martial Arts World Headquarters in Hollywood. We know, totally boring place for a kids’ party, right?

Guess they couldn’t afford the Xtreme Martial Arts Branch Office in Swindon. That’s where it’s really at.

In a country where the average person could balance the scales with a Ford Focus, few things stand out more than a woman with legs you could use to string a banjo. One of those things is a woman with legs you could use to string a banjo AND a voice which sounds exactly like white noise rubbing its fingernails down a blackboard while chewing on a wad of cotton wool mixed with aluminium foil.

Little surprise that such harridans would stick together, which is why, when Cruz Beckham was putting together a guest list for his recent fourth birthday party, his mummy - Victoria Beckham – made sure that Eva Longoria got an invite. (By the way, we don’t want to start any rumours or owt, but ‘Cruz’? Wasn’t that a bit obvious, David Beckham? We hope that Victoria Beckham doesn’t put the evidence together and realise that the child’s real mother is Penelope Cruz).

The theme of the sprog’s birthday party was ‘Superheroes’, with the birthday boy arriving in a Wolverine costume. His mum got into the spirit too, apparently turning up as ‘Linguine‘, titular heroine of the little-known Manga series. Cruz, perhaps having learnt about costume changes from mum, emerged from the party dressed as Iron Man.

We turn to rightwing haterag The Daily Mail for further details:

Cruz turned four on Friday and was spotted with Brooklyn enjoying a game of football at the Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. While Romeo looked a chip off the old block as he kicked the ball around having appeared to have inherited his father’s fancy footwork, Cruz still looked a little hazy on the rules of the game. The toddler, who was wearing his father’s number 23 LA Galaxy shirt, didn’t seem fazed by the fact football isn’t a contact sport. He playfully laid in to his older brother with a swift karate kick while trying to get control of the ball.

Oh, those playful Beckham boys, with their playful karate kicks and their playful headbutts to the bridge of the nose.

Sadly, Katie Holmes and her daughter Suri sent apologies for their absence: Tom Cruise apparently has them traipsing round Peru at the moment shouting “Can you hear me? Just knock, or something” into volcanoes.

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David likes to try stringing simple sentences together so that nobody confuses with a messed-up character from The Wizard Of Oz. Victoria, meanwhile, hones in on any nearby cameras so that the paparazzi can take another photo of her pulling a face like of a cow that’s just had a hand shoved up its arse.

Thai monks, on the other hand, do nothing all day apart from being at one with the planet and acting extremely hard. One thing that does nark them off, though, is when animals and insects are innocently killed, possibly with the bug zappers that David and Victoria Beckham have just installed in their Thai home. Whoops.

Through hazy personal experience, we can confirm that Thailand is slightly warmer then the UK. Snow doesn’t mess everything in Thailand like in the UK; instead that privilege is reserved for the occasional mosquito that drowns in your beer. And they carry diseases as well which can be a bit of a pain in the arse. Naturally, a kind source for the Beckhams said:

“The Beckhams were very keen to keep the mosquitoes out because they can carry disease, as well as being annoying.”

A spokesperson for the entire population of Thai monks responded by saying:

“The Thai people are very keen to keep the Beckhams out because they offer nothing of value, as well as being annoying.”

It must a strange situation for David and Victoria to be in. Most of the time, they have to simply snap their fingers and a slave will bring them a freshly grilled squirrel that’s been stuffed with peppers. Sadly for them, the Thai monks aren’t really that bothered who turns up. Mess with their culture and it’s a different kettle of onions!

The chances of the Beckhams being able to kickbox their way out of a potential fight with a beefed-up Thai man is quite slim. However, we believe that there is a solution to every problem. And the answer to this conundrum lies with the overly exposed and exploited Beckham children.

After giving their children such stupid names, surely the monks will take pity on the couple and take them in as one of their own. At least then they won’t bother anyone else when they turn 18 and get caught in a public toilet expose.

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That’s the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay.

It just goes to show that when you’re as famous as the Beckhams are, you can’t trust anyone – not even your own staff. It’s not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David’s reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.

Everyone steals things. Maybe it’s sweets, maybe it’s ideas, maybe it’s top secret government documents, but everyone definitely has at one point or another stolen something. Us? We’ve got a nice little stationery-stealing racket going. Unfortunately, we only steal when we’re working from home, which means we’re basically just stealing from ourselves. Conversely, we’re going to give ourselves a final written notice if we ever catch ourselves doing it again, so we have to do it carefully when we’re not looking.

Anyway, if you were working for David and Victoria Beckham, you’d definitely steal something from them, wouldn’t you? They both earn enough to be able to replace whatever trinkets you took, and their home contents are bound to be covered by plenty of insurance. No, you’d definitely steal from David and Victoria Beckham. But you wouldn’t put the stolen goods on eBay where everyone can see them. Only the worst kind of dribble-skulled, honking dimwit would think about doing something as obviously stupid as that.

So let’s introduce you to Eric and June Emmett, two of the Beckhams’ servants who allegedly stole their stuff and sold it on eBay. E! Online reports:

Per U.K. reports, the purported thieves, 55-year-old Eric Emmett and his 56-year-old wife, June, have been working at the $22 million “Beckhingham Palace” for more a decade. The staffers supposedly swiped soccer jerseys and boots belonging to Becks, as well as designer dresses worn by the erstwhile Posh Spice. The memorabilia was then put up for sale on the auction site, raking in thousands of dollars.

According to reports, David and Victoria Beckham only got wise to this alleged pilfering when Victoria Beckham’s parents saw the items on eBay being sold by a seller called Posh & Becks.

The Emmetts deny all charges but, just to reiterate, they’re accused of stealing valuable and sentimental items from the home of David and Victoria Beckham and not just selling them on eBay where it’s easy to trace the seller, but selling them under the one name that anybody associated with the Beckhams would search eBay for if they were looking for stolen Beckham goods.

No wonder David and Victoria Beckham don’t want to employ the Emmetts any longer. It’s not because they’ve destroyed the bond of trust that exists between servant and master, but because – if these charges are true – it sounds like they’re so stupid that it’s only a matter of time before they take Romeo’s eye out with a strimmer.

Beauty, real beauty, isn’t skin deep.

Wait – no wait – beauty is skin deep. It’s all those internal organs that aren’t. Also the veins are jammed way down deep in there. And you know what? All that inside stuff can be as ugly as it needs to be, because those things usually aren’t what have to pose for pictures and such.

Unless you’re unfortunate enough to get our Uncle Morty as a mortician. Taking pictures of things with their skin off is a definite passion of his. You should have seen it when he had the former mayor down there. It was gorgeous.

You know what else is gorgeous? You – but only when you properly exfoliate with the grainy dung of a nightingale. Don’t be ashamed – nowadays bird poo is as essential to true attractiveness as tooth paste and hair conditioner.

It’s good enough for the Beckhams you know. They smear themselves with it all the time.

Are you lonely? Does E Harmony only work up until your online conquest has to see your stupid face? Does the front of your head look like it lost a fight with an electric sander?

If so, don’t worry about it. The earth has provided a way to get you back in the non-ugly game. All you need is a small paint brush, some sort of a mixing dish, and a nightingale that won’t really mind when you wring some poop out of it.

That’s because nightingale poop is the latest celebrity fad for facial cleansers. The latest two lovers to jump on the dooky-dabbin’ band wagon are the Beckhams, a couple famous for constantly getting their hair trimmed or something. As the Daily Mail puts it:

“Victoria, who has long battled problem skin, puts her new clear complexion down to a bizarre new beauty regime involving bird poo. And it seems David has been getting involved too…Victoria, 34, has been regularly indulging in £100 Geisha Facials, using a paste made from nightingale droppings, to combat acne she has suffered since her teens.”

The poop-paste is really supposed to work well. In fact, we have such faith in it that if you use it and still don’t find a healthy, satisfying relationship within six months, we will personally examine photos of you to let you know what other ugly features you should probably work on. We may even have some coupons you could use, depending on where exactly you’re totally gross.

And if that doesn’t work, we have several recommendations as to websites you can use to buy a foreign spouse online, and then lawfully import them into the country. What’s good about that is that your purchased spouse would generally be really ugly too, and so would have no room to talk. Your self-worth-sense will positively rocket.

Just let us know what you need us to do.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.

Victoria Beckham, as we all know, is a style icon. Victoria Beckham’s tenure as Posh Spice practically invented the notion of the moody teenager, as thousands of young girls tried to copy their surly hero. And there wasn’t even such a thing as teenage pregnancy before Victoria Beckham got knocked up and everyone copied her. And, oh remember that brief fad last year where you’d only see supermodels being chased around by packs of angry pigs? That was Victoria Beckham’s idea first.

That’s how much of a style icon Victoria Beckham is. When she does something, everyone follows. That’s why so many women are married to shit-thick footballers with silly voices, and it’s also why you’re going to see an awful lot of chavs blundering round with horrible pixie haircuts before long.

That’s right – Victoria Beckham has had a haircut. A proper haircut. A boy’s haircut. Hello reports:

The queen of hair reinvention has done it again. Victoria Beckham unveiled her most daring cut ever, with an elfin crop that will invite comparisons with the Spice Girl’s style icon Audrey Hepburn.

You hear that? It’s Victoria Beckham’s most daring cut ever. Now, copyright restrictions ban us from being able to show you what Victoria Beckham’s haircut looks like, so we’ll have to try to explain exactly how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut actually is.

It’s made of broken glass, for a start, and Victoria has accessorised it with several pairs of open scissors, 28 gallons of petrol and a lit cigarette. What’s more, Victoria Beckham has used her millions to employ a full-size stunt motorcyclist to constantly burn doughnuts around the circumference of her scalp 24 hours a day. And it sings the German national anthem. And, every time Victoria Beckham has an orginal though, her hair actually ejaculates. That’s how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut it. Truly she is the queen of hair reinvention.

Obviously that’s a lie. What Victoria Beckham has actually done is go to the hairdressers and say “Cut most of it off, please.” And the resulting style makes her look like one of the following:

* A gay man

* Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell

* Pauline Quirke’s shadow at midday

* Cancer Kylie

* The Roswell alien cadaver

* A pastel drawing of Natalie Portman, created by a blind man who hates Natalie Portman and the idea of hair.

Great going Victoria. No, really.

Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria.

TomKat are hoping to start babymaking in the near future, just like the Beckhams, and Tom is worried that Katie will become too obsessed with her diet and fitness regimes.

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You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

We think Victoria Beckham is a modern-day Renaissance woman, but that’s because our understanding of the original Renaissance is that it involved lots of 14th century Europeans half-heartedly trying their hands at different barely-defined jobs and then not worrying when they failed because they were married to millionaire footballers and got their face in Heat at least every couple of weeks anyway. Which we think actually happened.

There’s literally nothing that Victoria Beckham can’t do. Although she says she works in the fashion industry now – which means she follows Katie Holmes around the shops once every couple of weeks – Victoria has also managed to become a red hot TV personality and actress, so long as you count one embarrassingly scaled-back TV show and a woeful appearance on Ugly Betty as red-hot, plus she’s also a world famous singer.

Except she’s not. Not any more. Victoria Beckham’s solo career was over from roughly the second it began, and she’s not likely to do much more with the Spice Girls after their reunion tour couldn’t even stagger on to its scheduled climax.

And this means, as reported by Metro, that Victoria Beckham can’t call herself a singer any more:

Victoria Beckham has followed in Geri Halliwell’s footsteps, announcing her retirement from pop. “I’m not going to sing anymore, I’m turning my mic off,” she said. Her comments, made on breakfast show GMTV, will come as a blow to fans who were hoping to see her in Vegas as part of the Pussycat Dolls troupe.  “I heard about that,” she said. “The thought of leaping around on stage in a bra top and knickers. No.”

Never mind. As a member of the Spice Girls, Victoria Beckham has already made more money than most out of singing, so she’ll always be able to say she was a success. Well, she either made her money by singing or  by standing around dressed like a stern prostitute while Sporty Spice did all the singing. Anyway, it’s all over now so it doesn’t matter.

And since Victoria Beckham has retired from music so formally, we think this means we’re allowed to sue her for breach of contract if we ever hear her string two or more notes together from now on. We shouldn’t get our hopes up, though – she barely managed to do that when she was a professional.

Read more:

Finally, Posh says she’s retired from singing – Metro