This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.

No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.

And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.

It goes without saying that Harper Seven is just the latest in a long line of stupid names for a sleb offspring. Jason Lee’s stupid child is called Pilot Inspektor, Jermaine Jackson hilariously named his kid Jermajesty and Sly Stallone takes the biscuit with the impressively awful Sage Moonblood, which sounds like the sort of nonsense that Charlie Sheen might come up with. And we all know about Zappa’s kids but you get the impression he gave them daft names on purpose.

In a statement on his Facebook page, the footballing half of the duo said:

“I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham.

“She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx.”

So, that’s David and Victoria heading up a household which also stars Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper. Sounds like a collection of air fresheners. Bad air fresheners at that.

But why Harper Seven? Well, seven was David’s number when he played for Manchester United and England and… well… Harper… you imagine Victoria simply looked around and gawped at her vapid life and saw a copy of Harper’s Bizarre on the coffee table and *BING* a baby was christened.

Slightly better than calling it Take A Break we suppose.

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The birth of any child is a wonderful thing… if of course, by ‘wonderful’, you actually mean ‘remarkably irritating’. See, when someone shunts a child from their middle, we’re supposed to treat it like some kind of miracle. Of course, no-one coos and fawns when someone brings a newborn foal into the office, still covered in amniotic gunk.

Childbirth isn’t any bigger or smarter than any other creature squirting out their shitting offspring. It’s dull and further proof that our future as humans is doomed as each baby grows up to be yet another alcopop drinking div in bad Asda George t-shirts.

When celebrities have babies growing in them, it is of even less relevance to us all, yet still we dribble enthusiastically, poised over our keys to tap out feigned glee to twitter accounts and Facebook fan pages. Victoria Beckham’s imminent idiot is one such example.

Rumours broke quicker than waters of a baby called Felicity being sawed out of Victoria Beckham who is still too vain to ruin her delicate lady garden by actually squeezing the thing out. However, it was all a massive lie.

Fact is, Posh Spice (she hates being called that doesn’t she? You can just tell) will NOT be giving birth her idiot daughter this week, a spokesperson has confirmed.

The spokesperson, already bored senseless by this babytalk but still maintaining a financial interest, stated:

“The rumours are rubbish, Victoria has not had the baby but she will be giving birth soon.”

In fact, it looks like the latest puking runt to be hoiked from a C-sectioned celebutwunt will grace our presence some time next week.

That’s just great isn’t it. We’ll get to see endless photographs of this baby… who looks like any other photoshopped baby… adorning hundreds of pages across various tedious magazines and newspapers.

It has been suggested that this Beckham Baby will be receiving media training before the umbilical tentacle is chopped and it will be taking questions at a press conference before it is a week old.

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Victoria Beckham is having a baby and we’re supposed to give a flying fuck. No, we are. See, even though we won’t ever meet her, like anything she does or indeed, show even the vaguest flicker of interest in her vapid life, we must greet her new child with ticker tape. And hand grenades if you like.

We just don’t care.

We also don’t care that Posh Spice, which we’ll call her because it invariably irritates her, has asked stupid Eva Longoria to be the Godmother of her unborn daughter. A daughter that will, like all newborn babies, will look like a cross between a glans and a close-up of a tick.

Of course, we’re supposed to replace our own hopes and aspirations with Victoria’s need to have a female baby hacked out of her by a surgeon (you don’t think she’s actually willing to push the thing out do you?), and we must thank our lucky stars that she will be having a little girl, which she’ll parade around in a variety of expensive clothes like a chihuahua.

A friend of the couple – who already some stupid children with stupid names – said:

“Victoria ran it past David and they both want Eva. She’s extremely honoured.”

Not surprising really as Longoria’s life is now completely devoid of any joy after she got divorced from basketball star Tony Parker.

That’d be the Tony Parker who had a mobile phone filled with messages that saw Eva concluding that he’d been having it off with someone else, leaving her to announce the split via twitter, making Phil Collins’ Divorce By Fax’ look rather charming.

Monster.

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Here’s the kicker: When a sperm unifies with an egg and the cells split, resulting in a baby growing inside your womb, it will eventually start showing around your guts. You may look fat, but in actual fact, it’s just a human hiding under your skin. Right?

This is pretty basic science, but something Victoria Beckham doesn’t seem to understand.

Basically, Posh is hitting the gym constantly in a bid to stay thin, something that her ball-kicking husband, David, is keen to discourage her from. It would appear that one of the dimmest sportsmen on the planet has a better grasp of the gestation period than his wife. Which in itself is astonishing enough.

A source, who we must trust with our lives, says:

‘Victoria hates putting on weight. She’s been moaning nonstop about how fat she feels’

Alas, Victoria Beckham is eight months pregnant. She’s basically got a fully formed baby inside her, shitting and pissing away like she’s some horribly cramped toilet cubicle.

Yet weirdly, instead of proudly showing off her bump, she’s been trying to hide it. She’s been keeping her baby under wraps, which means we can only assume she’s already disappointed in it.

And she’s right to be. Most humans are incredible let-downs, projecting a sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach at each turn, seemingly doing their best to wound you at every turn. The only thing babies have going for them is that their little trainers look kinda cute.

The Beckhams will be seeing their baby cut-out at the beginning of July.

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When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.

At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.

And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!

Like girls who sync their periods when in close proximity, the Spice Girls have unfathomably all becoming pregnant at the same time (well, everyone except from Geri and Sporty Spice who can’t find anyone who will willingly have sex with them).

This leads us to think that they’ve done it on purpose so that, in 15 year’s time, they can force their unfortunate offspring into being in a band called Revenge Of The Spice Girls.

Anyway. The snubs (a great name for a band that). Preggo Mel B has folded her arms and loudly given Victoria Beckham the silent treatment in a Twitter message.

Mel B announced her pregnancy to the world earlier this week, reminding everyone that she once had it off with Eddie Murphy in what must have been the ugliest sex ever. This baby doesn’t belong to Murphy, but rather, some dude called Stephen Belafonte who we couldn’t care less about.

And so, Peach Mel B promptly went about thanking everyone that isn’t Posh Spice for their words of encouragement about the fact her womb works.

‘Ahh big thanks to my spice girls mel c, geri and emma for all the baby well wishes! Love you! Xxxxx’

Speaking to Hello!, the former leopard print fan said:

‘We’re really excited. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four years to have a baby if we weren’t really excited about it and ready for it, even though you can never really be truly ready’

She then stabbed a crude wax figurine of Victoria Beckham directly through the heart with a hot cleaver.

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When hecklerspray heard the news that Victoria and David Beckham were reportedly coming back to the UK,  we all got into the bath in our sticky bedsit and tried to drown each other.

When that didn’t work we even tried to self harm with the jaggy edge off our pot noodle sauce sachet but sadly that failed too and now we’re forced to apply plasters to our hurty bits and find a way to live with this awful news.

So far we’re pretty much sitting in stunned silence which is only broken by the sound of our editor screaming “OH CHRIST! OH JESUS CHRIST NO!!!” like Edward Woodward when his sedatives have worn off.

Apparently they’ve enrolled their kids in school over here already and are set to return when David finishes up his contract with LA Galaxy.

A source said:

‘They love Los Angeles and will always have a base there. But David’s contract will run out soon and they’ve started thinking about the future. He’s keen to finish his career at an English club if possible, though he hasn’t ruled out other options.’

The source also yawned:

‘Victoria is torn because she’s made so many friends in California and loves the lifestyle, but she misses her family in the UK a lot.’

That’s just selfish really.

She’s also planning to give her kid’s a ‘normal’ education, far away from all the disgustingly spoiled American children like Justin Bieber. How is she planning to do this? – she’s putting them into a private boys school in England which is no doubt full of spoiled British children who are just as annoyingly pretentious  but slightly pastier.

Great plan preggers.

This isn’t over yet.

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Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.

There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.

Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.

Of course, arguments over unreleased material mean only one thing: Someone is trying to release it into the wild on a public who, frankly, don’t deserve such misfortune.

Does anyone remember the girls’ last single? It was called Headlines? No? That’s because it was substandard RnB filled with cloying sentiments about love and all that rubbish. Remember when the Spice Girls were kinda fun to have around? Say You’ll Be There and Spice Up Your Life were bold, brash pop records that made sense… not a 40th rewrite of the hideous 2 Become 1.

And the two people wanting to subject our ears to yet more limp pop are el B and Mel C who really want to release an album, whittled down from 60 previously unheard tracks.

Alas, the rest of the gang are not impressed.

Victoria Beckham, Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton are all, sensibly, against the notion of putting music out with the Spice Girls name on it that was initially deemed not good enough for them. That in itself is quite the notion! Imagine songs that were discarded because they weren’t as good as Let Love Lead The Way.

You don’t remember that one either, do you?

It would appear that Victoria doesn’t want in because she’s pregnant and busy designing clothes. She doesn’t really want to promise anyone that she’ll hit the promotion trail with all that going on. Which, alarmingly, seems rather sensible.

Geri and Emma meanwhile are still under the control of the shadowy pop villain, Simon Fuller, who used to manage the Spice Girls, and he’s not thrilled at the idea of releasing these tracks.

He says no. Geri and Emma hop to it and say “Yeah! Whatever the man says! GIRL POWER!”

Yet, there’s still idiots in the world and they’re called ‘sources who talk to the Daily Mirror’.

“From a possible 60 tracks, three or four would be guaranteed number ones and there’s definitely a solid album’s worth of tracks. Although such a release would generate millions, it’s not about the money.

It’s not about the money? Really? What is it then? Some altruistic notion of promotion female empowerment for girls pressurised into feeling too ugly or too fat by a unforgiving media?

“Both Melanies want to open up the band to a new generation of fans and keep the memory of the Spice Girls alive.”

Memory, presumably, means ‘money’.

Not to worry though! Even if this album doesn’t see the light of day, there is good news for Spice Girls fans. There’s a Spice Girls musical called Viva Forever which is opening next year.

hecklerspray won’t see it though because, as a precautionary measure, we’ve lopped our ears off with shears and removed our eyes with ice cream scoops.

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Once upon a time there was a girl who couldn’t sing. Llike all good fame hungry, fake tanned dunderheads, she joined a silly band with other girls who also sang in the key of ‘pish’, married a footballer and stopped eating until she was built like the side of a five pound note.

Then while playing hangman with her husband, she drew some trousers on the stick man and decided to become a fashion designer.

It probably didn’t go exactly like that but we’re guessing it’s not far off.

However, despite being the switched on ‘savvy’ chick we love to see not smiling back at us in ‘Hello’, Posh Spice occasionally gets really fucking confused and feels the need to tell the world about it via the telly.

Recently she went on CNN to announce that she doesn’t know the sex of her baby.

She said

“Honestly. I don’t know the sex of my baby”

You see? She has no clue. Not just about this we fear.

We’re hoping she realises there are only two possibilities but even we are considering the very real possibility of a small monkey emerging from the murky depths of her tiny womb and killing us all.

With three boys already irritating the hell out of the nanny, she’s now hoping for a girl; mainly because her hand-me-down clothes won’t fit any female over the age of 2.

She even suggested that she may continue to let David ride her until finally a girl monkey… sorry… baby bursts through an old c-section scar, Alien style, making their, soon-to-be-Scientology-controlled-if-Tom Cruise-has-any-say-in-it, lives complete.

When asked if she’d consider having six children, she laughed and said

“Well, I’m not Angelina. I don’t know.”

Indeed. The nerve. We’re glad the reporter didn’t suggest 8 kids, she’d have compared herself to Rod Stewart before punching her in the face.

However, we’re sure that before the kid is even out of the wrapper, she’ll have blessed it with a ridiculous name like ‘Pumper’, stuck some gold shoes on it and thrown it down a catwalk like a bowling ball, knocking over Gwen Stefani and her offspring before going back on CNN to announce she doesn’t know something else decidedly unimportant.

This article was by Joanna Bolouri who can knock buildings over with one sneer. So that’s just brilliant, right? Don’t make her deck you one.

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Once described as looking like a fly on its hind legs, Victoria Beckham isn’t universally popular. She was everyone’s least favourite Spice Girl (and certainly the least talented… which is saying something) and generally, that woman with a face like a slapped arse who married David Beckham.

Has there ever been a photo taken of Victoria Beckham where she looks genuinely thrilled? We imagine it is difficult to look happy when you’re in possession of two eerie, hovering breasts and collarbones so protruding that you could hook a hanger on to dry your shirts.

And so, despite being consistently and astonishingly thin, it transpires that Victoria Beckham’s insides are still well-enough to carry a child as she announced that she’s pregnant again. Probably with a boy. BECAUSE THE BECKHAM’S ARE WEIRD CLONE MANUFACTURERS.

That’s right – Victoria husband David Beckham are expecting their fourth child, which is just wonderful news for the world’s photographers.

This latest addition will join the three existing Beckham spawn – Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz. We fully expect this new child to have an equally stupid name.

We’re hoping that they have already signed it up for a sponsorship deal so when it eventually gets cut out of Victoria (she’s not going to push it out, is she?), they can rely on their constantly motionless faces not to crack-up with laughter when they announce little Red Bull/Shockwaves/Big Mac to the world.

Victoria is really hoping she has a girl though. She told Vogue, with presumably a very, very bored face;

“Maybe one day another baby, but at this stage I think the chances of a girl are quite slim.”

That’s because the Beckham’s are massive freaks, unable to bring females into the world. Presumably, this is because David Beckham generates woman-hating sperm in that famous nutsack of his (which of course, holds those famous Jasper Carrot endorsed ‘goldenballs’ within).

Anyway, all the magazines and blogs are wishing the Beckham family well and mewing about how thrilled they are, which leaves us no option to be pathetic and sneering about the whole thing.

All that leaves us to say is that we sincerely look forward to hearing about Victoria’ s pregnancy induced hemorrhoids and cracked-nipples and David Beckham’s seemingly endless sleepless nights and the hiring of various attractive child minders.

Little baby Aftershave is going to be one helluva kid!

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We admit it, we’re just pretending to care what Victoria Beckham thinks. We’re really only amused that she has slated another person’s style. In a manner that says, ‘Love me, I still wear weird things too’.

Remember when every one used to care what hair clips the former Spice Girl wore? No? Nor do we. But we have it on good authority that she used to be trendy and every up-and-coming fashionista would look to her for what to wear.

She was the face of credible high fashion brands. And she was successfully pushing her own lines. Then it all went dark. Or something.

She was suddenly less interesting. Being swapped out in fashion campaigns like a post-pubescent kid on a daytime soap opera. No one was talking about her clothing any more. And she didn’t have quite the power to brainwash the masses that she used to. The former singer seems a little bitter about this. That’s just our observation, based on a recent quote Victoria gave about Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga is the new oddly-dressed kid on the block; she’s the trendsetter, who makes as many headlines for wearing a weird pair of shoes as she does for anything else. BREAKING: Lady Gaga  is wearing a slightly wackier pair of 9-inch heels than she was yesterday, shocker.

In a last ditch attempt to draw attention back to her over-priced jeans and the like, Victoria pointed out the following (via Grazia).

“I have a lot of respect that she can walk in those shoes going through airports. I mean, goodness, people think I dress up to go to an airport! I think she’s really doing her thing. That’s her,” Victoria told WWD.  “If I’m being completely honest, is it fair to say she may have become a little bit of a parody of herself? Is that fair to say?”

As though, and let’s be blunt, the same is not true about Victoria. She became a parody of herself somewhere in between selling her soul to Prada and that desperate ham-fisted breaking America thing she did a few years back.

Except Lady Gaga is still fairly new at this. And she’s still somewhat interesting to look at. And her shoes are almost always wackier.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

David Beckham probably doesn’t like hookers. Not that one should suppose he takes personal umbrage with all hookers. But there’s one who’s singing like a canary to a tacky tabloid that he’s got to be at least mildly annoyed by.

David also doesn’t like to be heckled, hecklers. You’d do well to not bring up the call girl who, to be fair, David probably didn’t sleep with in 2007. You might get shouted at. Really loudly. In David’s totally not scary helium-inhaling-sounding voice.

David, for those out of the loop, is rumoured by an American magazine called In Touch Weekly to have a bit of a soft spot for the ladies of the night. Ladies who cost $10,000-per-night. The kind who twiddle their thumbs for three years before coming out of hiding to ruin your life. Ladies like 26-year-old Irma Nici. That tart – and we’re not just name calling because we’re annoyed we wasted our time at Heckler University to earn… not $10K-per-night.

At least we get to live vicariously through the imaginative minds at ITW. Though, with the amount of creative writing going into each of their cover stories, sometimes we wish we worked there.

Irma’s claims of vanilla paid sex sessions, three years ago, during a time David was already married with three kids, have gained surprising ground considering they’re not based on much. A few text messages, and perhaps a few photos, do not a scandal make in our books.

Someone needs to tell that to the smart mouth who mocked David over the cheating allegations. Someone who sounds like they are being an utter ass about the whole thing. Someone who made our beloved, silly-voiced David fly into a rage. A totally not terrifying rage.

News of the World has the video. And Us Weekly magazine reports:

Don’t tease David Beckham about his hooker scandal. The soccer stud, 35, exploded after one fan taunted him after his team LA Galaxy defeated the New York Red Bulls, 2-0, Friday night. “Stop with the prostitutes!” the fan yelled, referring to In Touch Weekly’s erroneous cover claiming that Beckham had wild sex with $10,000-a-night hookers.

Hearing the remarks, Beckham immediately turned around and marched toward his heckler. “Oh, he’s coming after me!” the fan said (see that on the video from Britain’s News of the World’s website, above). Seconds later, Beckham got in the man’s face and snapped, “Do you want to say it again? Do you want to say it again?”  The person pleaded, “I didn’t say anything!” Disgusted, Beckham replied, “You got a Galaxy shirt on! You got a Galaxy shirt on!” He walked away still furious before turning back again, pointing at his head and mouthing the words: “Say it to my face.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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First the bad news: David and Victoria Beckham have got a new perfume out, called Intimately Yours.

Why is that bad news? Because, obviously, if you have any pikeys in your family, there’s a chance that you’re going to get a bottle of this muck for Christmas. Apparently Intimately Yours smells of oranges and frozen basil, which we assume is a polite way of saying that it smells like earwax and vinegar and what Pot Noodles smell like if you wee into them and leave it for a month. Who knows. Either way, it sounds terrible.

But now the good news: David and Victoria Beckham have made a TV commercial for Intimately Yours, and it’s such a flurry of superfast information that we’re going to have to decode it scene by scene after the jump for you. Hooray? HOORAY!

In the interests of fairness, it’s only right that we should present you with the full advert for David and Victoria Beckham’s Intimately Yours. You can thank us for subjecting you to this later, possibly when you’ve finished trying to punch your own eyeballs out…

Did you catch all that? No? You didn’t? Even though it was only 22 seconds long and so painfully simplistic that even a child could understand it? What are you, stupid? Are you actually stupider than a child? Is that it? Honestly, you make us sick, you dribbling sub-infant. Look at you. But, oh fine, because you clearly don’t have the cerebral capacity to process moving images, let’s break the David and Victoria Beckham Intimately Yours ad down into stills for you. But we won’t forget this, oh no.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 1

David Beckham is just hanging out in a lift, in a tuxedo, probably on his way to start the first shift of his new job as a waiter in a shitty Italian restaurant or something, when he spies a woman walking towards him. “Hello hello,” he thinks, “David Beckham’s luck is about it to be IN. This looks like… could it be?”

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 2

“Bugger it,” David Beckham thinks, clearly miffed. “This isn’t Rebecca Loos after all. It’s the wife. Bollocks, I thought I was on for a quick shag then. What if she starts singing at me? Oh God, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Why does my life has to be so relentlessly shit?”

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 3

So David Beckham does what any man would do in his situation – he starts choking Victoria Beckham to death with his bare hands.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 4

“I REGRET NOTHING!” Victoria Beckham shouts as David Beckham squeezes the life out of her with his thumbs. “Nothing?” David Beckham replies. “Well, maybe the Spice Girls getting back together wasn’t such a great idea,” Victoria Beckham replies after a period of thoughtful consideration. “And that duet with Dane Bowers wasn’t very good. And remember when I pierced my lip? Jesus, I COMPLETELY regret that. In fact, all of my solo career. And most of my haircuts, for that matter. And, God I forgot, I made us name one of our kids ‘Romeo’, didn’t I? What a bellend…”

“Yeah, alright, bloody hell, I didn’t want your life story,” says David Beckham, and then makes sure that he definitely kills her for good just so he doesn’t have to listen to her whiny voice any more.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 5

Fortunately David Beckham has just the thing to convince the world that Victoria Beckham is still alive – an inflatable sex doll modelled on a moderately-priced prostitute. Nobody could possibly tell the difference. But what’s this? A puncture? In her neck? Oh no!

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 6

So David Beckham does his best to re-inflate the doll through its mouth before his evil secret is revealed. But it’s no good – air is still escaping from the neck. And the lift doors are opening. You’re just going to have to wing it, David!

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM INTIMATELY YOURS AD SCENE 7

So he does. As the lift doors open, an exhausted David stands next to his withered, vacant-looking inflatable sex doll that’s been dressed up to look like Victoria Beckham. Ironically, the fact that the doll is withered and vacant is exactly what convinces so many people that it’s actually the real Victoria Beckham. David Beckham is victorious again! Now buy his perfume or something OR YOU’LL BE NEXT.

You’re welcome.

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Ladies and gentleman, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived.

David and Victoria Beckham have put their seven bedroom Hertfordshire estate on the market and are finally packing up shop and moving to America full time. HAHAHAHAHA AMERICA! They’re your problem now.

Unbelievably the two-headed, barely one brained, self-promoting, outfit-matching monster have been terrorising our poor nation for 13 years. 13 bloody years. To put things into perspective, when these two all-encompassing nobheads met in the Manchester United players’ lounge in 1997, Tony Blair was popular, the UK won the Eurovision Song Contest and Lindsay Lohan was actually a respected actress. No really. What a crazy old world, eh?

But after the births of their oddly named offspring, an alleged affair with a woman who’ll happily help a pig rub one out and an infamous kick from the world’s most annoying football manager, the Beckhams have decided to leave our fair soil and make their move to America permanent, even though the country has already made it clear that they don’t give a toss about them. Oh well.

A spokeswoman for the Beckhams said: “I can confirm David and Victoria have had their UK home valued.”

We’re sure this has nothing to do with the fact that their accountants have told them to stop shitting their fortune down the toilet and all to do with the fact that once you make friends with the likes of Tom Cruise, you’re life is set. Let’s just hope that America doesn’t get some crazy idea to punish us by offloading one of their talent less harridans. Seriously Paris Hilton, put your passport and coke-filled handbag down, we just got rid of Peaches Geldof and the country is all the better for it.

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