Answer: We’re about to find out now that Victor and Liam have been evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. In a single stroke on Friday, two of the most befuddlingly watchable housemates were wiped out – one because he clearly hated women so much that he made Arthur Schopenhauer look like a cuddly feminist and the other because he fucking meows to himself. How will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house cope without Victor and Liam? Oh, don’t pretend that you care.

Nominations got done yesterday, and we’ll let you know about those later in the week, but for now, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Latoya and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista – Calista and Anthony have been the big ‘will they, won’t they?’ hit of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack so far. The ‘will they, won’t they’ in question of course referring to whether or not their constant dopey-eyed flirting will cause Calista’s boyfriend to dump her in a lurid tabloid kiss-and-tell story.

It probably won’t happen for three reasons. They are:

1) As far as we’ve been able to tell, Calista’s relationship with Anthony seems to mainly involve keeping him at arm’s length while he yammers on about his feelings.

2) Judging by these Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds, Calista will be evicted soon enough.

3) No fucker watches Big Brother Celebrity Hijack and therefore nobody gives a toss about Calista’s boyfriend anyway. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 50/1

Latoya – So it looks like Latoya isn’t completely pointless after all, because last week she managed to wind Victor up almost to the point of violence. Actually, come to think of it, you could probably show Victor a photograph of a pigeon and he’d be wound up almost to the point of violence – but if we let that slip then we’d have one less interesting fact about Latoya to tell you.

And since that’s the only pissing interesting fact about Latoya in the first place, we’ll protect it with our lives. And, yes, this is basically a long-winded way of telling you that Latoya is one boring shithead and her eviction from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Jay – Similarly, Jay’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds have fallen exponentially as well, and that might have had something to do with last week’s toe-curling ‘I know, let’s be really crazy and improv a fight!’ moment that he was a part of.

Not only was the whole thing the sort of attention-seeking, deliberately inflammatory codswallop that causes people to hate students in the first place, but who uses the word ‘improv’ anyway?

People who deserve to have their teeth knocked out by concrete seagulls, that’s who, and we now include Jay in that. Improv. Bloody improv. Get out of our Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, you massive twat. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Emila and Jeremy. Probably. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

So let’s hear it for tonight’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack when not one but two of the whiny buggers are going to be chucked out and get instantly demoted from ‘on telly’ to ‘talented youngster.’ But which two? Jeremy, Emilia, Victor and Liam all face the chop, but we’ve got all the eviction information you need right here. Well, not here. After the jump. Shut up.

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor and Liam, with help from Paddy Power…

Victor – Victor has probably been the major focal point of the whole Big Brother Celebrity Hijack series so far, with a constant debate on whether he’s a woman-hating bully or a culturally-misunderstood victim raging between the three or four people who actually watch Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. But let’s look at the facts – nobody in the Big Brother house particularly cares for Victor, the eviction crowd made their hatred for him pretty clear on Friday and we’re also sick to death of him, frankly. Victor is on borrowed time in the house, but we suspect that he’ll be let off the hook again this week because, well, because he’s not Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds –

Victor & Emilia – 10/1

Victor & Jeremy – 5/1

Victor & Liam – 2/5

Liam – Now, sadly Liam is Liam, and so let’s just assume that the wet-mouthed little weirdo is getting evicted Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house tonight. But, you know what, this week Liam did two things that have propelled him into the ranks of the all-time Big Brother greats for us. Firstly there was the moment when Liam, oblivious to everything around him, paced around the garden singing Lady In Red with as much passion as he could muster. And then Brian Sewell told him that everyone at home had seen him wanking. Surely – surely – if we keep Liam in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house until the end, he’ll pull even more demented weirdness out of the bag. So here’s where we start our probably-shortlived ‘Keep Liam In But Don’t Let Him Win’ campaign. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds –

Liam & Emilia – 12/1

Liam & Jeremy – 8/1

Liam & Victor – 2/1

Next week – Guess what? More Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Nor is the fact that Victor’s already up for Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction this Friday. What is important is that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack seems to be turning into 24, and we don’t know why.

Look at the facts. As soon as the first housemate entered the house he was given a Jack Bauer-style earpiece to wear, and then on Saturday the housemates were all given a Jack Bauer-style interrogation. What next? Will the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have to cut each others’ hands off with fire axes? Will one of them get caught in a bear trap while a mountain lion prowls around them until Matt Dillon’s brother rescues them and tries to keep them as a wife? We must know!

Anyway, who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win for Victor, Liam, Calista and Jay, with help from Paddy Power…

Victor – Although hurling a scrawny woman around on a pair of rollerskates is the talent that Victor spoke of when he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we’re starting to think that his real talent is escaping evictions even though there isn’t a single person on the planet who seems to like him. Thanks to his ridiculous chauvinism, exceptional conceitedness and inability to express even the simplest of emotions, the entire Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house hates him, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction crowd vocally hates him and the television audience hates him. And yet Victor is still in the house. What’s wrong with you people? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Liam – Liam is what we’ve decided to term a Big Brother timebomb. The public’s resentment of Liam is building all the time to such an extent that his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tenure is over the moment he’s even shortlisted for eviction. But what is it about Liam that people can’t stand? His stupid floppy hair? His Wolfman eyebrows? His bizarre transatlantic accent? The way he says ‘guys’ every other word? The fact that he’s only about 12 and already claims to have slept with 50 men and women? The way that he’ll often go somewhere and sit alone just so that he can meow at himself? Why, yes. Yes, all of those things. We’ll worry about Liam taking over the world when we need to, but for now let’s just get him out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 40/1

Calista – On paper Calista looks like a lot of fun – what with her virtuoso piano skills and her confusing insistence on painting her face like a native American smashed on Haribo on eviction nights and all – but in person, stripped of a piano for her to smack around singing songs about fannies, Calista’s probably the worst-value Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate that there is. It’s impossible to hate Calista, but it’s equally hard to like her because she never does anything. Across the course of a one-hour edition of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, there’s a chance that Calista will either raise her eyebrows or say “really?” once. We’ve worn underwear more interesting than Calista. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Jay – We have to admit we were wrong about Jay. As he entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house we were convinced that Jay was the most irritating person alive. And it’s simply not true – Liam is. But Jay’s a high-ranking runner-up. Jay was one of the first people to talk to Victor about the treatment of his sister – which, given the threat of Victor getting angry and spinning him round on some rollerskates in a fit of rage, was a brave thing to do. But the way Jay talks still bugs us – it’s like he was raised in a capsule Superman-style but, instead of listening to Marlon Brando imparting intergalactic advice, he was force-fed every episode of Sex And The City. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Latoya, Emilia, Jeremy and Amy. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

The Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates have decided that Jeremy, Jade and Victor are the people they’d least like to put up with for the rest of the month, and come this evening one of them will be bundled into the giant brass mail chute marked ‘permanant anonymity’. But who? Who? We can’t wait 12 hours! We want to know now!

So here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy, Jade and Victor to get evicted tonight, with help from Paddy Power…

Jeremy – When Jeremy entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house last week, he came across as a bit of a twonk, all ‘hey I’m a racing driver, yeah?’ insouciance and ‘let’s not pretend that I don’t have a fuckload of money’ smuggery. But buried deep – really deep, almost impossibly deep – inside Jeremy is a sweet little nerd who just wants to be loved. And, in particular, loved by that bendy girl with the pop-out vagina. Since he’s easily the least irritating Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate up for eviction, we can’t see him going tonight. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 14/1

Jade – Again, we may have misjudged Jade a little since she entered the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, too. Although she has moments of supreme fist-clenching, eye-bulging annoyingness – like how she leaps around like a tit first thing in the morning and how she talks like a sock puppet of a sickly frog – but let’s not forget that Jade was the only one to suss that Russell Brand’s raging cameraman trick was a hoax. That at least proves that Jade is almost as clever as she says she is – and after a few more days of realising that nobody like her, maybe Jade will even calm down and be watchable. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Victor – Now, on the other hand, Victor is someone who nobody has ever misjudged in their entire lives. They all see Victor, think “what a preening git,” and are never ever proved wrong. Victor has managed to quickly turn the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house against him by ordering his sister about and constantly viewing his slightly rum options on women, which is strange because we’ve never had cause to doubt the intellectual reasonings of men who spin around on rollerskates for a living before. This could be the last we see of Victor. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/5

Next week – more Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

And the real point of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is that celebrity hijackers can do naughty things to the housemates. Evil, huh? No, not once you’ve realised that even when playing Big Brother, most famous people are too scared of destroying their reputations to be genuinely nasty. In fact, the extent of the celebrities’ evilness has probably been Matt Lucas getting a fat boy to shout about cake, which is hardly going to put him on the CIA Most Wanted list, is it? We want real evil from the hijackers, and if that starts with Kelly Osbourne starving Liam to death then so be it.

Who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Victor, Amy and Calista with help from Paddy Power…

Victor – Victor is, of course, Big Brother Celebrity Hijack’s resident one-armed handstander. One-armed handstanding is a profession that’s literally killed every other member of his family, and that means it’s almost certain that it’ll kill Victor too, unless he’s strangled by his own superhuman sleaziness beforehand. Within seconds of entering the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house Victor started trying to seduce everyone around him in a particularly awful way. And he might even succeed at some point, too – but only once he’s managed to convince everyone that there’s more to him than a six-pack, a pair of wandering hands and as voice like a squeaky German leprechaun. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 18/1

Amy – For the majority of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, Amy has been the most normal housemate by a mile. She’s quiet, slightly intelligent, not prone to bragging about how brilliant she is for hours at a time and isn’t on a national television show just because her spine bends in 13 different directions. However, that doesn’t stop her from being duller than dust. Seriously, when the most interesting thing you can tell people about yourself is that you sometimes clean up small squares of things, there’s not much chance that you’ll ever convince the public to vote for you. For anything, let alone a barely-watched digital reality TV show. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 16/1

Calista - On all the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack press stuff it says that Calista’s special talent is classical music, although that’s clearly a lie. In fact, Calista’s special skill is doing nothing but talk about herself really loudly again and again and again and again over and over until it makes people want to smack her head off with the back of a shovel. Calista can play the piano as well, and seems to use it to write lots of songs about sex that aren’t nearly as dirty as she thinks, but really that’s just secondary to the talking thing. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 16/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jeremy, Latoya and Emilia. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.