Are we sad because we don’t know what we’ll do with our lives once it’s finished? No, we’re sad because – unless a flaming airship containing nothing but elephants and naked go-go dancers crashes into the house within the next 12 hours – this will go down in history as the dullest-ever Celebrity Big Brother. That’s right, even duller than the one Anthea Turner did.

But still, let’s see out Celebrity Big Brother by looking at the chances of winning for Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Ulrika Jonsson – People of Britain, you’ve had so many chances to vote out Ulrika Jonsson over the last three weeks of Celebrity Big Brother, and the fact that you haven’t evicted her warms our heart so much. We suspect that, like us, you love watching Ulrika’s obvious anguish every time someone else is evicted ahead of her. She wants out of the Celebrity Big Brother house so bad, and you just won’t let her. So tonight, let’s keep Ulrika Jonsson in the house as long as possible. Deal? Good. Obviously when we say ‘as long as possible’ we mean ’second place at best’. We can’t have Ulrika win Celebrity Big Brother, you understand. We don’t want to give her the wrong idea.

Verne Troyer – Verne Troyer had plenty of reasons to win Celebrity Big Brother from the get-go, because he’s disabled in a way that makes him amusing to look at, but this week Verne has gone above and beyond in his quest to win the show. He’s been shitfaced on boozed, cracked on to Michael Jackson’s sister, sworn as angrily and as loudly as possible at every opportunity and, let’s not forget, he kissed a baby dolly with tongues. If Verne Troyer doesn’t win Celebrity Big Brother, we’ll eat our hat. And then we’ll eat your hat. And then we’ll probably do a very hatty poo.

Next week: Dancing On Bastard Ice.

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So what’s new with Celebrity Big Brother this year? Well, judging by Friday’s big opening episode, it’s being sponsored by a bed shop and Davina McCall has taken to dressing like a big crow. And Ulrika Jonsson’s already up for eviction. And that’s literally it.

And since nothing of interest has happened whatsoever so far, let’s get going with part one of our Celebrity Big Brother 2009 introductions, for LaToya Jackson, Mutya, Verne Troyer, Tommy Sheridan, Lucy Pinder and Ben Adams…

LaToya Jackson – Imagine being in the room when Jermaine Jackson from Celebrity Big Brother 2007 recommended Celebrity Big Brother to his sister LaToya: “Oh, it was awesome. I was trapped in a room with some genuinely objectionable arseholes – some of whom seemed a bit racist – for three weeks and I didn’t gain anything professionally from it whatsoever afterwards. You’ll love it”. Also, LaToya Jackson laughs like this: “Ehihihi! Ehihihi!” and is an idiot. That’s all. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jermaine Jackson.

Mutya – Mutya doesn’t have a surname any more. She used to be called Mutya Out Of The Sugababes but, since the great Sugababes ugliness purge of 2005, she can’t use that name any more. We’re just joking – Mutya left Sugababes of her own accord because she had a baby and realised it was the more important thing in her life – or the second most important thing after abandoning said children to appear on pikey reality TV shows, at least. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Chris Eubank.

Verne Troyer – You’ll know Verne Troyer best as either Mini Me from the Austin Powers film or the funny bald man who tried to sue hecklerspray last year because we published a still from his yucky little sex tape. But that’s all beside the point because – Darnell-style screaming meltdown not permitting – Verne Troyer is going to win Celebrity Big Brother. This is because a) he’s obviously disabled and people will feel sorry for him and b) he looks like a baby! Ha ha ha! Look at his funny little legs! PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Mikey from last year’s Civilian Big Brother.

Tommy Sheridan – Look, there’s no point putting this any other way – Tommy Sheridan is basically George Galloway. That’s all you need to know. They’re both Scottish, both politicians, both controversial, both furious about everything and both completely ready to trade in whatever professional credibility they’ve amassed for the sake of three weeks on a reality TV show for bastards. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Haven’t you been reading?

Lucy Pinder – But if Lucy Pinder is on Celebrity Big Brother, who’s getting their tits out for Nuts? This is a disaster – she needs to be voted out as quickly as possible before thousands of lonely teenage testicles balloon up and explode in her absence. Anyway, aside from her boobs Lucy Pinder is primarily known for being duller than a filing cabinet full of bathwater – so Celebrity Big Brother is her big chance to show herself in a different light. Unfortunately, the light she’s chosen seems to be that of a genuinely unlikeable right-wing lunatic. This is going to end in tears. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Danielle Lloyd.

Ben Adams – Ben Adams is probably most famous for his stint in A1, the failed experiment in naming boybands alphabetically as if they were bloody taxi firms or something. That’s not what Ben does any more, though – now he’s a successful songwriter and producer for the likes of, um, Lisa Scott Lee. So that’s obviously working out really well for him. Ben says he doesn’t really do celebrity parties, but he’s doing Celebrity Big Brother. From this we can assume that Ben Adams is a bit of a turd. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Either Mark Owen or H from Steps. We haven’t decided yet.

Tomorrow: part two of our Celebrity Big Brother introductions. Exciting, huh?

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Anyway, oddly enough it seems like Verne Troyer isn't especially thrilled that TMZ recently posted a video of him dipping his tongue in and out of his girlfriend's mouth like an underdeveloped naked little anteater feeding from a proportionately much larger anthill.

So he's sued them. And he's sued sex tape entrepreneur Kevin Blatt, who is apparently trying to market the Verne Troyer sex tape. They're big lawsuits, too – if he wins them, Verne Troyer could make himself very rich indeed. Sometimes we wish were born with genetic achondroplasia and lacked both the basic inhibition that stops most people filming themselves having sex and the nous to hide the sex tape properly afterwards. That money should have been ours, Troyer! Ours!

We've often thought that Verne Troyer was evil, but only because he's different to us and we're hopelessly undereducated village square bigots. However, we might have been onto something, because at the moment Verne Troyer is acting so selfishly that it might actually pass for evil in the minds of some.

That's because right now Verne Troyer wants to stop the entire population of planet Earth from indulging in one of its most time-honoured traditions – getting drunk and watching celebrity home sex tapes that are so mind-crappingly awful to witness that it makes you never want to have sex again.

Once people have seen the snippet of the Verne Troyer sex tape posted recently on TMZ, they're never quite the same afterwards. Sure, they can still walk and talk and function in a superficially normal way, but something's withered up and died inside them. Probably their testes. And we haven't even seen it going in yet.

And we never will. That's mostly because even our morbid curiosity has an outer limit, but partly because Verne Troyer is on the legal warpath about it. And first on Mini-Me's hitlist is TMZ itself, as E! Online reports:

The 39-year-old actor says that TMZ disregarded cease-and-desist letters sent both before and after the video showed up on the site. In addition to the gossip purveyor, which just posted the footage yesterday, Troyer has also sued One Night in Paris peddler Kevin Blatt. He claims that Blatt, who's known for his celeb-porn brokering ways, somehow acquired the stolen tape.

Troyer means business too – he's claiming violation of privacy, copyright infringement, trademark infringement, violation of right to publicity, and misappropriation of name and likeness and he's after $20 million for it. He must really, really not want people to see his funny little infant-like limbs pawing at an adult woman, or what his funny little penis looks like when it ejaculates. How much does Verne Troyer not want anyone to see that?

At a guess, we'd say not nearly as much as we don't want to see it ourselves.