“The twins are fine.” That’s it. That’s what Brad Pitt said. The four most important words ever spoken by a human being. “The twins are fine.” Thank god, Brad Pitt has finally grown enough balls to publicly admit that the twins – while not ecstatically happy with their lives – are at least free of any major diseases, abnormal growths or traces of profound clinical depression.

That’s provided that Brad Pitt was talking about his two newborn baby twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, of course. He might have been discussing The Proclaimers. We honestly can’t be bothered to check.

Hands up who forgot that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just had twins? Yeah, we had to admit we did as well. There are two main reasons for this – the main one being that so much of our body is covered with tattoos of Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh Nouvel and Pax Thien that the only space we had left for our tattoos of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were on our buttocks where only our neighbours, our neighbours’ parents and our ‘osteopath’ can see them.

The other reason is because we have unusually small attention spans, and in the month since they were born, the announcement of their birth, second announcement of their birth, third announcement of their birth by their estranged grandfather and top-dollar People magazine photoshoot had totally slipped our minds. Whoops.

So thank heavens that Brad Pitt has the good old-fashioned courtesy to remind us for the millionth time that actually, yes, his girlfriend did squeeze out a couple of babies recently. God know what we’d do without him – probably get on with our lives in an otherwise perfectly normal manner or something disgusting like that.

So what did Brad Pitt say about his twins when he probably should have been concentrating on promoting his new movie Burn After Reading in Venice? Well, we’ve already told you quite a few times, but here’s People with the details:

Two months after the birth of Knox and Vivienne, Brad Pitt told reporters at a Venice press conference Wednesday, “The twins are fine.” He then raised his water glass like a toast, and took a sip.

“The twins are fine,” might seem like a fairly innocuous, standoffish thing to say about his own children – but in reality he’s given so much away about them. For instance, if the twins are fine then they’re not happy, sad, angry, disgruntled, distressed, jealous, anxious, bereaved, troubled, vexed, despondent, sluggish, frightened, timid, bewildered, fainthearted, vengeful, greedy, hate-filled, smug, disgusted, joyous, affectionate, disappointed, remorseful, contemptuous, aggressive, optimistic, surprised, zesty, tormented, spotty or nervous.

They’re fine. Deal with it.

Incidentally, if you’re reading this Brad, please don’t have any more children. We just have one small patch of skin left, and we heard that perineum tattoos are extraordinarily painful. However, if you do decide to have another kid, then consider the name ‘Perineum’ our gift to you.