People used to watch Miss Universe for one reason – because they were gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts.

But that’s no longer the case. The internet’s now the natural home of gruesome, sweaty-balled perverts – and yet beauty pageants like Miss Universe are still popular. Why? It’s simple – because people like to see stupid young women in bikinis fall over and blather incoherently and offend entire swathes of the population.

Yesterday’s Miss Universe was won by Stefania Fernandez from Venezuela, who didn’t fall over, fail to speak her own language with any conviction or declare that homosexuals were immoral. We want our money back.

There was a time when we believed that beauty pageants were an anachronism, a deliberately patronising effort to keep women in their place by treating them like poodles at a dog show. But not any more. Over the last few years, beauty pageants have got brilliant. They’re less about who looks nicest in swimwear and more about guessing which contestant is going to make the biggest arse of herself.

Could it be Ms South Carolina and her mangled English? Could it be Miss USA and her booze-fuelled promiscuous drug orgies? Or the other Miss USA who fell over and got booed by Mexicans? Or the Miss Puerto Rico who claimed that she’d been attacked with pepper spray even though she hadn’t? Or our old friend Carrie Prejean and her semi-naked mistrust of the gays?

Miss Universe 2009 took place yesterday and, given that it featured a collection of vapour-headed pretty idiots from around the entire universe, it should have provided YouTube with countless trainwreck moments. But it didn’t. In fact, the nearest that Miss Universe came to controversy was when it was won by Stefania Fernandez, the second Venezuelan in as many years. Reuters reports:

Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez won the Miss Universe 2009 title, giving her South American country its second consecutive win and its sixth title in the beauty pageant… In the deciding questions, Fernandez was asked by a judge what obstacles faced women seeking to become leaders of business corporations. “We’ve already reached the same level as men,” she replied confidently.

We believe that last sentence was prematurely cut off. We think it meant to say ‘”We’ve already reached the same level as men,” she replied confidently. While wearing a bikini. With her teeth smeared with Vaseline. On a stage. In front of men. Who’d been paid to decide whether or not she was prettier than some other girls. And who weren’t wearing bikinis and hadn’t smeared Vaseline all over their teeth. Because they were men, and didn’t really need to’.

But that doesn’t matter. It might have been utterly, brain-haemorrhagingly tedious, but congratulations to Stefania Fernandez for winning Miss Universe. And congratulations to Venezuala for winning two Miss Universes in a row. And congratulations to planet Earth, for winning its 57th Miss Universe in a row. Better luck next time, inhabitants of Qualzari 32.

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Venezuela sucks.

Hey, don’t get mad at us! We’re just saying what everyone is thinking. Venezuela is totally lagging behind its South American counterparts. They don’t even have a body hair wax treatment named after them. Losers. Their children are corrupt, too. It must be because they have The Simpsons on during daytime television programming. Well, no more! Venezuela has pulled The Simpsons because it is unsuitable for children, and replaced it with Baywatch Hawaii.

Good. The sooner the children stop being corrupted and start learning unrealistic beauty standards and uncreative, predictable plot-lines, the better.

If you’re still reading you are, no doubt, just as outraged as we are, but it’s true. Venezuelan officials have declared The Simpsons to be in danger of violating the country’s Law of Social Responsibility in Radio and Television, and say that the show is not acceptable for young children.

Whoa whoa whoa. Let’s take this one issue at a time. Venezuela has television?? So not just shaved dogs dancing on their hind legs while a blind man plays the spoons in the village square like we’ve always been led to believe, then. Okay, good to know.

But moving on… The Simpsons? Not acceptable for young children? That’s shocking. What isn’t suitable about Homer dressing up as a giant salamander that blocks the fire exit in a burning auditorium full of children and later squeezing tennis balls out of his bum? We’re so confused.

Apparently, people running Televen, the station that broadcasts The Simpsons, believe that Baywatch Hawaii is a more suitable alternative to brilliant satire and wit wrapped up with delightful bodily function jokes and swearing. Televen spokeswoman Elba Guillen said that The Simpsons is:

“messages that go against the whole education of boys, girls and adolescents.”

Of course it does. That’s why we love it. That’s why we call it ‘mother’.

Replacing The Simpsons with Baywatch Hawaii is probably a good move on Venezuela’s part, actually. There is obviously nowhere else in South America that children are going to learn about the importance of tanned, sparingly clad, large-bosomed women running on the beach than on TV. Plus, it’s not like the ratings were any good with The Simpsons. Oh, wait. This quote from Televen station general manager Perez Nahim may possibly negate that last sentence:

“We are hoping it will continue to have a good rating, because The Simpsons worked very well—so much so that it had the highest levels of viewership for that morning timetable in the history of the channel.”

Well, then kudos for taking it off the air! Heaven forbid a child’s parents should regulate what is seen in the home. Screw the ratings! Everyone knows child education is all about watching Baywatch Hawaii and a tanned David Hasselhoff trying to run on the beach while sucking in his gut, anyway.

Read more:

Venezuela Beaches Homer for the Hoff – E! Online