There has been the vague, wet, typical outpouring of mild-ire surrounding an indie band allowing one of their songs to be used in advertising. It’s ‘selling-out’ apparently. And god knows, that’s the worst thing an indie band can be accused of, right?

And of course, there’s a terribly saccharine John Lewis advertisement that’s doing the Christmas rounds this year which features a cover version of The Smiths’ ‘Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want’.

Johnny Marr is at pains to point out that the song featuring in a commercial doesn’t sully the memory of the song at all and The Smiths haven’t sold out, actually. And you know something, he’s right to say that it doesn’t sully the memory of the band.

Marr took to twitter to answer disappointed Smiths fans (is there any other kind of Smiths fan?) and claimed that the memory of the group hadn’t been sullied at all.

He said:

Writing ‘Please Please…’ one Friday in ’84 is one of the best memories of my life. This ad has not sullied that memory one bit.

He went on to criticise the fans who had been…

“bitching and moaning whilst, wait for it, watching X Factor”

And Marr is absolutely correct in his assertion that the use of a cover of a Smiths song in a television advert doesn’t sully the memory of the band because, the point here is that we’re dealing with a band so gaspingly overrated, so mediocre from top-to-bottom that any use of their song doesn’t harm their legacy, rather, brings the fine reputation of John Lewis down.

That’s right. Lovely John Lewis who sell all those nice things are now associated with dismal, vacant 6th form poetry shot through faux-kitchen sinkery and a collection of faces so long that you could trip over their chins.

Poor ol’ John Lewis. Being lumped in with those talentless berks.

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Is Morrissey having a very public nervous breakdown? It certainly seems that way. See, at the moment, you can’t move for stories about him being wildly erratic and saying things which aren’t as considered as they once were.

Of course, The Mozfather has always been good for a quote and, indeed, regardless of the fact he has contributed to some of the most awful music ever cut to wax, he was always worth reading about.

However, these days he’s less a vinegary old tart with a razor sharp wit and more a bumbling idiot, dribbling out nonsense in a bid to get any sort of attention from the world. No, he’s not ordering security staff to strip-search the people of Middlesbrough for secreted meats, but comparing the savage killings in Norway to fast-food.

Basically, the former Smiths warbler has kicked up a large stink (almost as bad as vegetarian flatulence) after comparing the Norwegian massacre to the slaughter of animals for fast-food restaurant chains.

During a show in Warsaw, Moz allegedly said:

“We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead. Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried shit every day.”

This all comes on the back of a series of incredibly odd things (apparently) uttered by Morrissey. After stomping off stage in a huff because he could smell burgers, he also went and called Chinese people a “sub-species”.

He also once said:

“Killing a stag is like killing a child. What’s the difference?”

It really does seem like he’s in the throes of a nervous breakdown and, if we’re correct, this can only end in Mozza being found weeping in a square, naked and binge-eating raw meat while rubbing coagulated pig’s blood into his writhing torso while singing Baldhead Growler’s ‘Sausage’.

Can’t wait.

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STOP THE PRESS! Or update the gossip website really quickly or something! Swarthy Alan Bennett-wannabee Steven ‘Morrissey’ Morrissey is a bit grumpy about some things!

Anyone who has seen a recent photo of the stocky serenader would think the irony of his well-known vegetarian fizzog currently resembling someone who belongs behind the counter of your local butchers has annoyed him but NO! He’s grumpy about EVERY SINGLE THING THAT GIVES HIM ANY SORT OF A PUBLIC PROFILE EVER!

The utter WEAPON.

Firstly: his fans. They love him and they create websites dedicated to him, chief of which is morrissey-solo.com. What does he then do? Appear on stage wearing a t-shirt bearing the slogan “FUCK MORRISSEY-SOLO.COM”? Yes. In Bradford this week, of all places.

One irate user of said website responded by describing themselves as “a Mexican married to a white girl, who eats pussy not meat”, but we’re still trying to figure out how that might be relevant.

Secondly: the music industry. Did we mention that Steven ‘Morrissey’ Morrissey doesn’t have a record deal at the moment? Hmm. He explains:

“Not many labels want bands who have already made their mark, because their success is usually attributed to some other label somewhere else at another time.”

Yes, that’ll be it Steven. No-one wants to sign you for fear of being unfavourably-compared to the heady days of the Rough Trade recording label back in 1987 you tool.

Thirdly: the Smiths. Actually we might have to give this one to Steven. He played a load of Smiths songs during his overlooked set at Glastonbury despite the seemingly-endless spat with all former band-members, prompting ex-drummer (DRUMMER!) Mike Joyce to announce on twitter that he “didn’t like the cover versions”. Yes. We’ll let Steve-O have that one.

And the internet, which Stevie believes has “obviously wiped music off the human map”, unaware of the fact that the internet has allowed people to access his entire back-catalogue in less than a millisecond flat before disregarding everything after “Hatful Of Hollow”. And that’s being generous.

NEXT WEEK: “Morrissey Isn’t Fond Of That Funny Noise The Fridge Sometimes Makes.”

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If there was ever an example of a grown man acting like a stubborn child, then we’d have to point in the direction of Morrissey [or ourselves - Ed]. We imagine that if he was still at school, he’d be the child cursing the sunshine on a warm sunny day and generally mooching around the playground with a storm cloud permanently attached to his head.

For those unfamiliar with Moz, he was the lead singer with the vastly overrated and generally annoying band The Smiths. At the time, Moz and his band of merry men might have looked like radicals, but by today’s standards, he’s just a whiny tit.

But to his credit Morrissey has stuck to his guns and protested his hatred for the royal family. Despite the rest of the country recently warming to William and Kate, Morrissey is still upset with the Winsors.

As you might of heard, there was recently a Royal Wedding. You probably missed our liveblog. And with the newspapers trying to whip up a frenzy of gatecrashers attempting to ruin the event, the day ended as a success with William and Kate looking like the sort of people who’d join you in the pub for a pint and give you £1.50 for a kebab if you happen to be running low on funds. Not that they’d actually associate with scum like you and us.

We don’t know if Morrissey likes William and Kate, but from what we’ve read over the weekend, he isn’t a fan of the Queen, otherwise known as the grand supreme ruler of the United Kingdom. Oddly, he’s been comparing the Queen to a dictator over the weekend. You know, one of those cute and cuddly types who butchers and kills their own people or just tortures them for shits and giggles.

Morrissey said:

“She would not hesitate to turn her tanks on the British people. The royal family, to me, are not England, and they are not the flag. So, therefore people can become misguided into believing that the Queen is the heart of England, and that she represents England. But she doesn’t in the least. There are people like me who were not interested, and we’re many in number, and we’re not easily fooled. And we see the Queen as the ultimate dictator. And it is dictatorship. It’s forced upon the British people.”

Yup, we got bored after reading the first sentence as well. Basically, Morrissey seems to be implying that the Queen is going to fire exploding corgis at us when we least expect it so we all cower under the might of Prince Phillip and Harry, as they parade around the country dressed as Nazis. This theory of Mozza’s however doesn’t come as a surprise as he is known as a self opinionated twat who tends to spout utter rubbish whilst trying to get people to follow his own beliefs, kind of like some sort of dictator.

Just like us.

Unlike us, Morrissey is one of those pesky vegetarian types and recently demanded that when he performed at The Lokerse Feesten in Belgium, the whole festival had to be meat free. Just because the thought of a cheeseburger might make him do a small cry – and that’s without any onions being on the succulent meaty treat. One person telling a whole load of others what to do? That’s not dictatorial at all!

Perhaps we could just put an end to Morrissey once and for all by constructing a thirty foot pentagram made entirely out of bacon outside of house.

Because it would be puerile and funny.

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If a random person stopped you in the street and told aliens were invading, you’d assume he was a mentalist and move on. Opinions are like arseholes really, everybody has one and unless you create a Facebook group, nobody will know or care what you think. Reach celebrity status however and all of a sudden people will dribble at each moronic word spouted.

Paul McCartney has reached this stage. Before become a spokesperson for vegetables, he played in a vaguely successfully band called The Beatles and had hit songs including ‘Hey Punch And Judy’, ‘Ha’penny Lane’ and ‘Back In The MFI’.

The music legend gave up eating the flesh of animals in the 1970’s and then proceeded to tell us why we should as well. Frankly, we’re bored of him harping on. Perhaps he’s realised that nobody cares and, is instead, spreading the message of cucumbers to India.

The only people to agree with Paul McCartney are vegetable terrorists PETER. We imagine the members of this meat hating organisation get their kicks by using sprouts as gobstoppers, sprinkled with a little sugar if they’ve been good. When they cast eyes on Lady Gaga’s meat dress, it must have been an apocalyptic moment for them, causing them all rub red onions into their eyes so the pain would go away, with added extra pain to veggie martyrdom.

Why he targeted India is a bit of a mystery, after all he is already halfway there if a U.N survey conducted in 2003 is to be believed. Reportedly, nearly half (42%) of India’s 1.2 billion people are vegetarian. And that was eight years ago, so with a booming population, that number will probably be higher.

Honestly, he could have at least preached to the people of Scotland where the word “vegetable” is as offensive as the naughty “c” word.

Digital Spy reports:

“The former Beatle sent a letter to the Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh urging the country to declare a day that, he says, would promote the environment as well as healthy living and eating habits.”It would be a celebration of life,” McCartney stated in the letter, according to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).”

What Paul McCartney has against meat is a mystery. Did he once order a steak not cooked to his liking? Or when he and John Harrison from The Beetles went through their druggy recording period, perhaps he did something with a farmyard creature that he’d rather forget?

Nonetheless, if he gets his way, all of India will soon be holding hands and celebrating the humble vegetable – forgetting that for millions of years, man has hunted and gathered animals for food and shelter, eliminating the old method of throwing spears at things like dinosaurs for food.

If this does happen, we’ll happily eat a large slice of vegetable flavoured humble pie. Indians have exported their cuisine around the world, so who is a former musician to take away some blokes lamb madras or beef bhuna?

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Jesus, we know when we’re being outdone. Most of the time, it’s when an unborn Japanese child severely beats us on FIFA. And we don’t mean by using the hand of God in extra time.

And then there’s Morrissey. Somehow, Morrissey is classed as a genius despite still singing songs that an old band of his wrote years ago and releasing solo albums that are properly gash.

Recently, Morrissey has had a bit of problems on the gig scene. He passed out in Swindon and then got twatted in the face with a cup in Liverpool. Surely it’s full steam ahead from here, right? Wrong! Continuing his tour to Hamburg, Morrissey got narked off with a fan who dared boo his miserable rant on meat-eaters. And what happened? Find out after the jump!

See what Morrissey did there? What word does Hamburg sound like? Go on, have a quick think about it, we won’t rush you. Almost there? Excellent, by now even your child should have answered ‘hamburger’. If they said hammers, then they’re probably dyslexic.

Morrissey, of course, is a vegan type person who doesn’t like people chomping on cows or drinking their milk. We don’t know what the fuss is personally – have you ever tried to make your own chocolate milk? If it wasn’t for cows producing strawberry, vanilla or chocolate flavours, we’d never get through a working day. According to NME.com, the singer became annoyed after someone mocked his shit joke on hamburgers:

“Morrissey was speaking about how “Hamburgers” should be called “Hamburgists” when the audience member shouted “fuck you” at him.”

Oh Morrissey, you are one crazy carrot-crunching vegan loon. We understand your opinion on us evil meat-eaters, but so buggery. We’re as happy as a butcher’s dog who’s just found some mouldy sausages behind the freezer when we tuck into a lunchtime sandwich that’s oozing with something that’s come from an animal.

All we can suggest to the constantly peed-off singer is to assemble an audience made completely out of fruit and vegetables. There they’ll have a wonderful time and no-one will attempt to rebel. Though they’ll stop short of burning a piece of bacon at the steak in vegan anger. It could result in a mini BBQ and cause all sorts of unwanted trouble from savages.

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Hooray! It’s that time of year again where bands of all genres play to thousands of music lovers around the world.

And, thanks to its eclectic line-up and decent weather, Coachella is becoming one of the biggest. Hosted in a Californian desert, people flock from all over America to attend.

One of this year’s performers was Morrissey – a man so removed of happiness that a trip to a furniture shop, a stint watching paint dry and a visit to a cemetery bring more joy than an hour of his company. The much-publicised vegetarian got slightly pissy during his Friday slot as his nostrils sniffed the odour of burgers and other meaty delights. Of course he didn’t keep his opinions to himself.

Morrisey may not know this, but for billions of years the species known as man has hunted and killed animals. He chomped on a tasty bit of animal and used its skin to keep warm for himself and his ladyfriend. It’s only really been in recent years, after we gained some brains and stopped throwing spears at each other, that the idea of vegetarianism/veganism has spawned.

Vegetarians believe it’s extremely evil to eat an animal to cure hunger and that person will end up in hell where a demon cow will punch him in the face every hour as a way of making up for his sins. For the more radical thinkers, there is something called veganism. Not eating an animal isn’t good enough, so these people don’t wear anything made from animals or use certain products if animal extracts are contained in them, like a hen’s eyeball in a car tyre or something.

Whilst we don’t know the extent of Morrissey’s animal beliefs, we do know that he gets pretty worked up about the issue. On several occasions in the past, he’s mouthed off and told us all we’re pretty bad for eating a helpless cow or a cute little pig. God help him if he stumbled over to certain countries in Asia.

During his performance at Coachella, Morrissey’s passion for spreading the joy of non-meat based products came out in force. Whilst we badly wanted him to be dressed as a giant stick of celery, handing out leaflets and confusing drugged up hippies, he didn’t. NME reports that midway through the set, Morrissey said:

“I can smell burning flesh and I hope to God it’s human,” as the smell of barbecued meat from nearby food stands wafted through the air. A few minutes later, the famous vegetarian walked off the stage in the middle of ‘Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others’. He returned shortly afterward, saying, “The smell of burning animals is making me sick. I just couldn’t bear it.”

We can only assume that when he sulked off stage, he poured a bowl of fruit punch over his head whilst chanting out loud. “MEAT IS EVIL! MEAT IS EVIL! MEAT IS EVIL! I AM MORRISSEY AND I WON’T LET THIS BEAT ME!” After finishing off a watermelon in three impressive bites, he returned to the stage to further depress the audience.

It’s quite strange really when we actually sit down and think about the whole ‘Ooh eating meat is wrong’ issue. Yes, cuddly furry lambs are allowed to age for a few years before being butchered in to yummy Sunday roast. However, have you spared a thought for the poor roast potatoes, carrots, peas and pieces of broccoli that accompany them? They also had to grow from something and are subsequently a living organism. Therefore, you’re eating a living and growing thing, just like a animal. In the words of a sheep “its baaaaaaaaaaaaad man”.

Therefore, all of you bloody whiney vegetarians and vegans have no argument to stand on. If you won’t eat meat, don’t eat vegetables/fruit either. You’ll have to survive on toilet duck or make a magic device that recycles leftover food. Sermon over. Next time, there will be more poo and wee jokes. We promise.

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The reason hecklerspray can never enjoy a tofu-heavy diet is because generally when we eat, blood spurting out of whatever we just bit into is our favorite part.

You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested!

Did you hear that, PETA? We don’t want your stupid tofu! We don’t want it if it’s turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney‘s sweaty, used gym towel!

The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA’s drawing board, even as we speak.

If PETA has its way, then by the time next Thanksgiving rolls around one of the Olsen twins will turn the other into a skinned jacket. Also, come supper time, you and yours will enjoy a hot slab of George Clooney with a side of potatoes – both covered generously in brown water poured from a gravy boat.

What’s that? You’re confused? Well let us elaborate, at least on that second half – PETA recently got their hands on a sweaty towel that Clooney swabbed off with in a gym. Said towel still glistens with the actor’s sweat if you hold it up to the light just so. The beauty is most apparent with the morning’s first rays. That’s what we heard.

And do you know what PETA’s first thought was when they realized such a grand item was in their possession? Apparently – they wanted to know what it tasted like.   As the Washington Post puts it:

“In a letter sent to the actor, Newkirk [PETA's mighty leader] said that PETA has been offered his gym towel… and wants to use his sweat to create Clooney tofu that will “spare animals from being killed for the table.” She went on to explain that the science is pretty simple, like “making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.”

“Newkirk, a big fan of Clooney, told us yesterday that the towel was offered by a PETA supporter with the idea of auctioning it off, but she immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd: “I thought, ‘What would make tofu more attractive to people?’ … I can see people having parties to try CloFu.”"

So the basic hope then, as far as we understand it, is that if people enjoy the taste of George Clooney enough, they may never go back to eating other meats again. Well that just spells trouble on so many different levels. Think of what pains ol’ George could find himself in if all the chubby women and gays who clip out all of his news articles actually acquired a taste for his salty flesh.

Sounds like a Tivo-worthy ending to a True Hollywood Story.

Reportedly, Clooney would be fine with all this so long as he gets some sort of a producer credit printed on the can. He didn’t say that, what he did say was this:

“As a mammal, I’m offended.”

If the plan moves forward, and hopefully it will, this could lead to a whole line of deliciously themed products. There’s George Clooney-flavored potato chips, George Clooney-flavored jerky, and for the kids – little gummi candies shaped like his woo-woo.

You read that right – we called it a woo-woo.

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Having seen off the threat of Islamic terrorism with his recent Israel concert, Paul McCartney is now going after the real menace – the Fillet-O-Fish.

Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.

No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.

People often give John Lennon all the credit for being the political one in The Beatles, but that overlooks a vast portion of Paul McCartney’s oeuvre. Give Ireland Back To The Irish, for example, was a bloodied warcry for the abolition of crappy Irish-themed funpubs. Hi Hi Hi was an impassioned called for the legalisation of Hi-Tec trainers. And Dance Tonight was a thundering commentary on the uneasy political friendship between Pakistan and India, and not a cacky load of bum wanked out on a mandolin in five minutes like you thought.

Lately, though, Paul McCartney has been flexing his political muscles with a little bit more might than usual. He invoked the wrath of fundamental Islam by playing a concert in Israel recently and, what’s more, he was slightly rude about Gordon Ramsay in a supermarket magazine, too. Paul McCartney has got the fire back in his belly, that’s for sure.

And now Paul McCartney has picked his next target – McDonald’s. As a devout vegetarian, Paul McCartney has long since spoken of the environmental cost of humanity’s passion for meat, but that’s not why he’s angry at McDonald’s. Nor is it because the meagre vegetarian options on sale at McDonald’s all taste like slurry.

No, Paul McCartney has decided to go after McDonald’s because one branch in Liverpool has a picture of him in it. The bastards. Paul McCartney’s serious, too – he wants all his fans to boycott the restaurants, as The Telegraph reports:

The singer was said to be furious after discovering pictures of the Beatles had been placed prominently in a restaurant in his home town. A spokesman for Sir Paul said: “What sort of morons do McDonald’s think Beatles’ fans are. It’s ridiculous and insulting to use images to peddle hamburgers. Fans should boycott Mcdonald’s, and not just in Liverpool.”

It’s good that the spokesman managed to say “Beatles’ fans” and not “fans of Paul McCartney’s solo work,” isn’t it, because that’s the difference between a large percentage of the world’s population and a couple of old ladies with bad hearing who drink at Starbucks more often than they probably should. That would have probably been quite a crappy boycott, to be honest.

Anyway, we think that McDonald’s branches having pictures of their towns’ favourite sons is a brilliant idea – because that way people in Birmingham could eat their burgers under big pictures of UB40, residents of Brentwood could order their Egg McMuffins next to pictures of Chantelle from Big Brother and everyone in Nottingham could utilise the McDonald’s free wifi facility with several giant portraits of Dr Harold Shipman looming at them from every surface.

But still, we should probably do what Paul McCartney says and boycott McDonald’s. Otherwise he might try and kiss us, and that’d be like kissing your granny. Bleurgh.

Paul McCartney, the former Beatle who looks most like your nan, usually only likes to fight people with fewer legs than him.

But now the gloves have come off, because Paul McCartney has just squared up to testicle-faced TV chef Gordon Ramsay in a magazine over a comment the chef made about wanting to electrocute some vegetarians. It’s literally the most dramatic fight between two funny-looking millionaires about vegetables that Sainsbury’s Magazine has ever seen.

But who to side for? On one hand Paul McCartney was in the most famous band of all time and wrote Yesterday and Hey Jude, and on the other Gordon Ramsay can cook dinner quite well. Oh, this is a right bloody dilemma.

Gordon Ramsay is known for a handful of things. Firstly he’s single-handedly changed the way that British cooking is seen around the world. Secondly he’s got a bit of a dirty mouth and a freakishly monomaniacal fixation on his own droopy manboobs.

Thirdly, Gordon Ramsay hates vegetarians. He hates vegetarians so much that on the last series of The F Word he spent an entire season rearing two veal calves – the cruelest meat of them all, remember – only to shove slices of their dead bodies into the terrified mouths of 50 vegetarians on the final episode to prove his superiority over them, presumably because nobody would let him swagger around slapping everyone in the chops with his willy instead.

How much does Gordon Ramsay hate vegetarians? Let’s put it in Gordon Ramsay’s own words:

“My biggest nightmare would be if the kids ever came up to me and said “Dad, I’m a vegetarian”. Then I would sit them on the fence and electrocute them.”

And this hatred of the poor protein-strapped vegetarians has struck a nerve with Paul McCartney. He’s been a staunch vegetarian for 30 years because he once saw a fish that looked a bit sad or something. And when he hears Gordon Ramsay trash-talk his feeble brethren like that, there’s only one thing he can do about it.

And that’s trash-talk back. In Sainsbury’s Magazine. At a time that coincidentally happens to be right before he relaunches the Linda McCartney range of vegetarian sausages. The man clearly means business. Here’s what Paul McCartney said:

“I think it’s a case of live and let live. I will talk to people about the advantages of vegetarianism, and it will upset me if we’ve had a good conversation and they turn around and say something stupid. I just read a quote from Gordon Ramsay… ‘If my daughter ever grew up and married a vegetarian, I’d never forgive her.’ But even that I would forgive because it’s not my affair, it’s not up to me if he talks stupid or not.”

Yeah! That’s, um, mildly giving it to him! You’ll politely show Gordon Ramsay that you, um, considered his views in depth before coming to a differing viewpoint! Grrr!

Anyway, this Paul McCartney/ Gordon Ramsay face-off looks set to rage on for ages, or at least until everyone gets a bit bored of it and finds something else to entertain themselves with. So probably a couple of minutes or so, in truthfulness.

Really, though, Gordon Ramsay got off lightly. Paul McCartney isn’t a man you want to cross. At least not when you’re anywhere near the wine glass cupboard, anyway. Allegedly.

Now that his divorce from Heather Mills is almost complete, Paul McCartney gets to be just another boring old cakey-faced pensioner who we can forget about again.

But wait! Paul McCartney isn't going down without a fight. Although his personal life has stopped being exciting and his best professional work is light years behind him, Paul McCartney still has one constant to endlessly bang on about.

His vegetarianism. Which is why it's no surprise that Paul McCartney has just done a PETA advert explaining why he doesn't eat meat. At least it's not one of those adverts where he poses naked to protest animal cruelty, though – one glimpse of Paul McCartney's saggy buttocks and we'd have torn through a zoo popping everything in the face with the back of a shovel just to quell the nausea.

Paul McCartney famously once explained his vegetarianism by claiming that he doesn't eat anything with a face, which explains a) why, after his performance at this year's Brits, Paul McCartney was caught cramming handfuls of dirty earthworms into his mouth and nobody batted an eyelid and, b) when Paul McCartney is in Marks & Spencer and sees one of those birthday cakes with a cartoon lion's head iced on the top, he smashes it up with his fist and then rolls around the floor gurgling and farting like a colic-stricken toddler.

It's true. You don't need to check it, but it is true.

Anyway, the vegetables have always been there for Paul McCartney. He was a vegetarian when he made decent albums, he was a vegetarian when he made rubbish albums that mainly get used as coffee coasters. He was a vegetarian when he had a long-term wife he loved very much, he was a vegetarian when he had a shit wife who he might have stabbed in the arm with a wineglass a few times. And now he's revealed why.

Following in the footsteps of washed-up actress Sadie Frost and washed-up actress Alicia Silverstone, Paul McCartney has become the subject of a new PETA advert, where he explains what made him become a vegetarian in the first place. Turns out it was all the fault of a stupid fish. The Press Association reports:

The ex-Beatle, 65, poses next to the words "I Am Paul McCartney, And I Am A Vegetarian" in an advert for animal rights group Peta. He is quoted as saying: "Many years ago, I was fishing, and as I was reeling in the poor fish, I realised, 'I am killing him – all for the passing pleasure it brings me'. Something inside me clicked. I realised as I watched him fight for breath that his life was as important to him as mine is to me."

It sounds like a heartwarming epiphany – young Sir Paul's sudden realisation sending him into a deep spiritual reverie about humanity's cruel slave/master relationship with the animal kingdom, as the fish he caught flip-flaps to death on the ground ignored, as if to say "Throw me back in the fucking water you stupid hippy bastard." Heartwarming indeed.

The PETA advert also reveals Paul McCartney's belief that there would be no more famine if everyone turned vegetarian. And he might have a point – there'd be more cereals to go around if the majority of it didn't become cattle feed – but the ensuing global vegetarian halitosis would probably smash the ozone layer to shreds in about 15 seconds. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Read more:

Fishing trip turned Sir Paul veggie – Press Association 

As Heather Mills is eager to acknowledge, if you take away the millionaire-marrying, the self-promoting, the instructional German pornography and the saying 'paedophile' in a funny voice, all Heather Mills has done for 20 years is charity.

And that's not going to stop now, even though all those bulge-eyed, finger-swiping TV outbursts from a couple of weeks back have left Heather Mills with about as much credibility as a charity spokesperson as, say, Jade Goody or Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Heather Mills' latest bit of charity work is a set of billboards for militant vegetarian organisation Viva, which is claiming that climate change is such a problem because you eat sausages now and again. Oh, and another billboard where Heather Mills blames the meat industry for her leg amputation. We think – we haven't quite worked that one out yet.

The world is full of animal rights campaigners, from the three placard-waving men who try to make you feel guilty about going on a ferry from Dover because sometimes animals go on the boat too to the swathes of violent anti-animal testing campaigners to Sadie Frost, who keeps threatening to get her mimsy out if you don't stop eating meat right now.

And then there's Heather Mills – a woman whose recent charity work has included work for the Adopt-A-Landmine group, the Campaign For Pointing At Some Pigs and a new drive that seems to involve saying the world 'paedophile' in a high-pitched funny clown's voice on breakfast television every now and again.

But now Heather Mills has put her name to a new charity effort – Viva's Hot! campaign – which blames meat for everything from global warming to a loss of biodiversity to deforestation to acid rain to superbugs. Serious stuff indeed, but how has Viva ensured that people will ditch meat for vegetables and other assorted Pot Noodley meat substitutes? By getting Heather Mills to look all sweaty and slapping the picture on a billboard next to the slogan:

"Hey Meaty, you're making me so hot!"

Clever stuff, and Heather Mills seems intent to push the point home, telling the few people left who don't instinctively clamp their hands over their ears and shout "shutupshutupshutup" whenever they hear her voice that:

"I became a vegetarian for health reasons. Then I found out about the awful animal abuse in factory farms and dairy herds and became a vegan. The easiest and most effective way of cutting our contribution is to change our diet and go vegan. It is that simple."

Going vegan is also the easiest way to look a bit pasty and weak, as well as the easiest way to make sure that people are too scared to ever invite you round for dinner again, but that's beside the point because there's another Heather Mills Viva billboard around. And this one makes the livestock/ global warming point by saying:

"You haven't get a leg to stand on!"

Do you see? Because Heather Mills doesn't have a leg to stand on, either! That's so, um, disconcerting. Perhaps Heather Mills thinks that the best way to get people to throw away their bacon is to mock her own afflictions. And who knows – it might. For all we know Heather Mills cracking wise about her one leg might make for the most successful charity campaign ever. In fact, we sort of hope it does, because Heather Mills is brimming with other potential self-deprecating charity slogans if this one works.

Cross your fingers really hard and perhaps in the future you'll see Heather Mills advertising a Viva vegetable-growing drive with the catchphrase "I'm digging for spuds as well as gold!" or "Don't eat meat, eat a German bloke's wobbly red jelly knob. Or eat some cream! Off my tits!"

Yes. Both of those would work.