From one extreme of crash liquid diets to the other extreme of “yo, pass me that box of Ding Dongs“, Oprah’s weight has inexplicably become a fascinating topic to people. Actually, take out the word ‘weight’ from that sentence and you’ve still got a mighty true statement, but nonetheless, Oprah is going to do a 21-day vegan detox diet.

Does this mean we have to see her strut out to show off her new skinny outfits like she always does after a diet? Wait, we don’t watch anyway, so who really gives a lovely toss?

Why is it that Oprah Winfrey, a woman who without makeup looks like a wax figure of Carl Weathers melting slowly on a hot day, has the world so fascinated with her weight? Maybe it’s because she’s become so ridiculously rich and famous by interviewing maniacal jumping bean Tom Cruise and giving away free crap on her talk show that everyone assumes she should just be able to pay people to club her with nightsticks every time she reaches for something that would break her diet, and therefore, has no excuse to be a fatty.

Well shame on you. Shame on all of you. Like every other fat person in America, Oprah’s fluctuations in weight are obviously due to a glandular problem. Her glands are likely clogged up with junk so she’s going to stop eating meat and dairy and sugar – you know, food and stuff – by going on a hippie-ish sounding detox vegan diet.

So, for 21 days she’ll eat nothing that is an animal, from an animal, or has been given a sideways glance by an animal in order to help detoxify her body. Why, you may ask, would one take upon themselves such a feat that some might call exhausting, inane overkill? Oprah tells us the answer right here:

“This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Oprah has even started a delightful blog on her website about her experience eating nothing but soy sweat and air:

“I had been focused on what I had to give up – sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese. ‘What’s left?’ I thought. Apparently a lot. I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast – strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.”

Oh, sorry, that’s soy sweat, air, and scrumptious strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.

Good luck, Oprah. We look forward to your next detox diet in which you take a three week break from sucking the innards out of men and stop consuming the souls of sad, lonely, dumped housewives all over the world.

Read more:

Oprah’s 21-Day Diet Detox – People

Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows' milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill's attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne – but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who'll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats' milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that's what we're doing – in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats' agonised bodies.

It's what Heather Mills would have wanted.

It's becoming clear to us that Heather Mills has a definite animal hierarchy in her head, and she's not afraid to tell the world which creatures are better than the others. Up until yesterday we had a vague idea of Heather's animal rankings – pigs were top because Heather likes pointing at them, then nude Germans, then mink because Heather likes wearing coats made from them, and then paedophiles, the only animals who mustn't be spoken about unless you're doing an impersonation of a distressed dolphin.

But what this hierarchy lacked was a top animal and a bottom animal. But thanks to Heather Mills' crackpot turn as the voice of vegan organisation Viva in Hyde Park yesterday, that's become perfectly apparent. The bottom animal is the cow, because of its role in global warming. And the top animal is the rat. Because rats sure do make delicious milk. 

Following the release of her disability-mocking Viva adverts, Heather Mills took to Speaker's Corner yesterday to deliver her pro-rat sermon:

"It's mad that we are having cows' milk. Even cows don't drink it after [the age of] one year, but we continue for ever. There are fields and fields of grain just miles from starving children in Africa being shipped to Europe to feed our livestock. There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets. Why do we not drink rats', cats' or dogs' milk?" 

Now, we're no experts, but we think we know why people don't drink rats' milk – and that's because it's fucking rats' milk. But, though we mock, we can completely see Heather's point here – not only are rats smaller than cows, so they take up less room when they're being milked, but their lives are ultimately more worthless than a cow's life, so you can tear the rat-babies straight from the mother-rat's womb and start milking them trapped in tiny boxes until the day they die and nobody will really care. Plus when you're done with them you can fit like 25 of them into a shoebox and throw it in a river.

Obviously, though, if people did start drinking rats' milk, Heather Mills would be the first person banging a drum and wearing anti-rat billboards outside the Rat Milk Advisory Board headquarters yelling about inhumane it all is. But, hey, just because Heather Mills is the sort of person who'd campaign for the ethical treatment of hairdressing equipment if it got her an inch of publicity, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take this rat-based campaign seriously.

After all, Viva says that livestock produces 18% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions, making it the second-largest source in the world.

True, the largest source comes from all the claggy soybean and tofu farts that vegans constantly pump out of their malnourished arses, but we'll skip over that fact for now.

And that's not going to stop now, even though all those bulge-eyed, finger-swiping TV outbursts from a couple of weeks back have left Heather Mills with about as much credibility as a charity spokesperson as, say, Jade Goody or Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Heather Mills' latest bit of charity work is a set of billboards for militant vegetarian organisation Viva, which is claiming that climate change is such a problem because you eat sausages now and again. Oh, and another billboard where Heather Mills blames the meat industry for her leg amputation. We think – we haven't quite worked that one out yet.

The world is full of animal rights campaigners, from the three placard-waving men who try to make you feel guilty about going on a ferry from Dover because sometimes animals go on the boat too to the swathes of violent anti-animal testing campaigners to Sadie Frost, who keeps threatening to get her mimsy out if you don't stop eating meat right now.

And then there's Heather Mills – a woman whose recent charity work has included work for the Adopt-A-Landmine group, the Campaign For Pointing At Some Pigs and a new drive that seems to involve saying the world 'paedophile' in a high-pitched funny clown's voice on breakfast television every now and again.

But now Heather Mills has put her name to a new charity effort – Viva's Hot! campaign – which blames meat for everything from global warming to a loss of biodiversity to deforestation to acid rain to superbugs. Serious stuff indeed, but how has Viva ensured that people will ditch meat for vegetables and other assorted Pot Noodley meat substitutes? By getting Heather Mills to look all sweaty and slapping the picture on a billboard next to the slogan:

"Hey Meaty, you're making me so hot!"

Clever stuff, and Heather Mills seems intent to push the point home, telling the few people left who don't instinctively clamp their hands over their ears and shout "shutupshutupshutup" whenever they hear her voice that:

"I became a vegetarian for health reasons. Then I found out about the awful animal abuse in factory farms and dairy herds and became a vegan. The easiest and most effective way of cutting our contribution is to change our diet and go vegan. It is that simple."

Going vegan is also the easiest way to look a bit pasty and weak, as well as the easiest way to make sure that people are too scared to ever invite you round for dinner again, but that's beside the point because there's another Heather Mills Viva billboard around. And this one makes the livestock/ global warming point by saying:

"You haven't get a leg to stand on!"

Do you see? Because Heather Mills doesn't have a leg to stand on, either! That's so, um, disconcerting. Perhaps Heather Mills thinks that the best way to get people to throw away their bacon is to mock her own afflictions. And who knows – it might. For all we know Heather Mills cracking wise about her one leg might make for the most successful charity campaign ever. In fact, we sort of hope it does, because Heather Mills is brimming with other potential self-deprecating charity slogans if this one works.

Cross your fingers really hard and perhaps in the future you'll see Heather Mills advertising a Viva vegetable-growing drive with the catchphrase "I'm digging for spuds as well as gold!" or "Don't eat meat, eat a German bloke's wobbly red jelly knob. Or eat some cream! Off my tits!"

Yes. Both of those would work.