Oprah Winfrey’s name has become synonymous with yo-yo dieting over the years.

From one extreme of crash liquid diets to the other extreme of "yo, pass me that box of Ding Dongs", Oprah’s weight has inexplicably become a fascinating topic to people. Actually, take out the word ‘weight’ from that sentence and you've still got a mighty true statement, but nonetheless, Oprah is going to do a 21-day vegan detox diet.

Does this mean we have to see her strut out to show off her new skinny outfits like she always does after a diet? Wait, we don’t watch anyway, so who really gives a lovely toss?

If there's one thing that Heather Mills hates - apart from newspapers that obviously can't see how much better she is than everyone else - it's bloody cows and all that manky milk they keep squirting out of their cow-knockers.

Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows' milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill's attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne - but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who'll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats' milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that's what we're doing - in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats' agonised bodies.

It's what Heather Mills would have wanted.

As Heather Mills is eager to acknowledge, if you take away the millionaire-marrying, the self-promoting, the instructional German pornography and the saying 'paedophile' in a funny voice, all Heather Mills has done for 20 years is charity.

And that's not going to stop now, even though all those bulge-eyed, finger-swiping TV outbursts from a couple of weeks back have left Heather Mills with about as much credibility as a charity spokesperson as, say, Jade Goody or Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Heather Mills' latest bit of charity work is a set of billboards for militant vegetarian organisation Viva, which is claiming that climate change is such a problem because you eat sausages now and again. Oh, and another billboard where Heather Mills blames the meat industry for her leg amputation. We think - we haven't quite worked that one out yet.