No matter what Dancing On Ice does in the future – even it somehow finds a cure for Piers Morgan – it will always be remembered for Todd Carty wobbling about on the rink like a drunk trying to stand up on a lilo in a pool.

Maybe that’s because the celebrities hired for the show are so eye-poppingly poor that no-one ever really manges to recall a full memory of the show… and the new series looks like it’ll be no different.

That’s because Vanilla Ice and Calum Best are being lined up to take part in the Strictly Come Ice Skating show, as well as a whole other bunch of no marks.

Of course, this isn’t the first time either of these slebs have appeared on reality/format TV. Vanilla Ice is no longer famous in our collective heads as being the man who rapped “Ice ice baby”. That’s in part, thanks to the Halifax now claiming it as their own, prompting people to clench their fists so hard their knuckles go white and their finger nails drop-off.

No, Vanilla Ice (real name: Something really amusing) is only famous for his appearance on The Farm where he hilariously got his arse handed to him by an irate Paul Daniels who shouted at him ’til his ears evaporated.

Best, of course, is famous for sticking his penis into various women despite being of No Fixed Talent. He, of course, appeared in Celebrity Love Island, bearing witness to Paul Danan’s staggering and numerous nervous breakdowns, which in a way, we really should applaud him for.

The other rumoured participants on the show are equally grim.

There’s been mutterings that Kerry Katona, Jonathan Wilkes and Tim Westwood have been lined up to skid around an ice rink on their ears. If these all transpire to be true, then by God, there’s a chance that this could be the worst/best programme ever aired.

Just think of it. Westwood and Vanilla Ice talking each other up before breaking numerous bones live on our television sets.

Wonderful.

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High and low tide.

Folded:

• Vanilla Ice (finally found a way to be the coolest guy in the room)
• A nice lady called Amy Walker doing accents (the South Carolina is darling, darling)
• The Cleveland Show (plush Stewie’s getting so old. Let’s get that cute Cleveland Jr in all the card shops now)
• Macgruber (“I’m a three wire guy”)
• Luke’s regret (just don’t think about it for too long)

Creased:

• Cinemas still packed with people seeing Avatar for the first time (if you haven’t seen it by now, don’t bother. Even watching Peter Andre explode after waiting this long would be disappointing)
• Bioshock 2 (more of the same but without the storyline. They didn’t up their game enough)
• Nicola Roberts (taken it upon herself to speak out against tanning by looking like an 18th century courtesan)
• St Valentine’s Day (designed to shove ‘ooh, we’re in a couple and you’re not’ in every single person’s face. Kinda like if there was a St Wealthy Day where rich people taunted us with bags of money and then burnt them all)
• John Terry (all he needs now is a license to kill)

Everyone detests having a boil. They’ll randomly appear and cause you a brief bit of pain. As an added bonus to people who scratch and pick at them furiously, you’ll get the chance to see blood and pus fly everywhere.

Jedward are like a boil – you think they’ve gone back to where they’ve come from. But they always come back to haunt you.

It was during the 2009 series of X Factor that the world was introduced to Jedward. You couldn’t love them unless you were unfortunately related to them as they frankly terrible at everything. For a show that focussed heavily on finding someone who could sing and pull off a basic dance routine, they lasted for ages even though they failed in these key areas. Saying that, they were coached by Louis Walsh who has made a career of managing rubbish acts like Westlife. Now they’re back to haunt us with another musical pleb, Vanilla Ice.

If you truly couldn’t have found anything to do last week, your last resort would have been to watch the National Television Awards where Jedward performed. What’s that? You didn’t see it and want to recap the craziness of it now? Oh go on, here it is:

Without a shadow of a doubt this steaming dog turd of a song will get to number one. It’s almost guaranteed really. Have you not thought about it? Well we have down in our laboratory where we do all sorts of stuff that involve thinking, sandwiches and beer:

1) All of the idiots who love and lol at Jedward will go out and buy to make sure it gets to number one. As we all remember, poor Geordie boy Joe McElderry was the victim of a Facebook campaign to get him off the top spot for Christmas. He later rose to number one, but not on first week sales. Even though he sold more records then the previous winner Alexandra Burke.

2) The people on Facebook who have too much time on their hands will probably see this as another ironic thing to unleash on to the charts. Why not let the most pointless and stupid record at the moment go to number one and make a mockery of real music? After all, Rage Against The Machine probably weren’t known to the thousands of people who ended up downloading it. They just wanted to be cool and follow the crowd.

Of course, Jedward getting to number one wouldn’t be the worst aspect of the whole release. Surely enough it’s the fact the big-haired twonk Brian May will again see another song sample his hit Under Pressure. After all, that’s what Vanilla Ice did. Is this a re-release of a re-release making it a re-re-release? Urgh, our heads hurt. Anyway, Jedward’s mentor Louis Walsh told the Daily Mail:

“Jedward really captured the public’s imagination whilst on The X Factor and love them or hate them you can’t deny that they were the talking point of the series. As Under Pressure was the track that really catapulted the boys to fame it seemed only fitting to release the song as their first single.”

The digital release of Under Pressure hits the internet on the January 31 and a physical CD is released on 15 February, conveniently when the X Factor live tour starts. However, it looks everyone isn’t thrilled with the success of Jedward. In particular, the One Show host Christine Bleakley. She is quickly becoming our favourite person as she reportedly told them back stage at the NTAs that:

“You paint a bad picture of Ireland.”

That might be true Christine, but they still come second to Bono.

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10 – 104 ways to hilariously ruin Watchmen – Gizmodo

9 - It’s Comic Relief this week, so here’s something quite cool about that – Facebook

8 – A SINGING DUCK! FROM THE PAST! - YouTube

7 - Get a lapdance off some lesbian vampires – Lesbian Vampire Killers

6 - Here’s a free single by the mighty Ist. Thank us later – Drop

5 - Remember Chronicles Of Riddick? No? Well it doesn’t matter, because it’s BACK – GFR

4 - Nasty, nasty, nasty sports injuries – AskMen

3 - An article about geeky bands written by someone strangely familiar - Shockhound

2 - Apparently Walmart now sell wallets full of human teeth – Fox

1 - Here’s Vanilla Ice apologising for the only good thing he’s ever done in his entire life…

Rap is one of those genres where, if you don’t have the look, you look like a complete bellend.

In the early nineties, you could get away with making a total twit of yourself in a video by randomly dancing around. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice pulled this off without even trying. Sadly, their careers dried up and we got introduced to modern day rap idiots like 50 Cent and Eminem.

But the original monkeys of rap are back and if you happen to be unlucky enough to live in Utah, you can go to the gig!

With tickets costing $29.50 – $35.50 we’d expect a mega-exciting entrance from at least one of the artists. The production budget may not stretch for both of them. Racking our brains, we believe we’ve come up with the perfect way for both Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer to burst onstage in spectacular fashion:

Vanilla Ice – Well its easy isn’t it? Once the stage lights go down, the tinkle of a bell can be heard getting louder and louder. From nowhere, an ice-cream van appear and outcome multiple dancing lollies. Dressed as a giant vanilla fudge sundae, our rap hero rises up from the floor and belts out his one hit.

MC Hammer – After forcing multiple Chinese children in a Beijing sweatshop to stitch his old trousers together, our big pant-wearing rapper of the past parachutes down from the rafters to a crowd of dazed onlookers.

Do you think this will happen on February 27th when the two perform together at the McKay Events Centre in Orem? We hope so, because we’d hate for them to do something stupid like Jessica Simpson and forget the words to a song. Or go completely arse over tit like Beyonce and fall down some stairs.

We know that you won’t be hunting for loose change to raise the funds to go and see the Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer perform. But wait, it gets better! Imagination has gone into the gig, as the following is going to be provided. Are you ready? Hold your shit together for this morsel of news from Digital Spy:

“Hammer will perform with 24 dancers and a full choir”.

That’s right! He will have people popping some booty-shaking moves whilst a group of bemused singers look on and wish they hadn’t given up their Friday night.

This time it’s a combination of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. How long before we see 50 Cent and Eminem performing in shopping centres and opening shoe shops? Billed as the ‘Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I’m Angry And Only Talk About Things From My Past Tour’ it’ll see the two harping on about being shot multiple times and how rubbish they think their parents are.

With two failing rappers on this bill, it remains to be seen if Chris Brown joins MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. Ever since allegedly slapping hiss missus around, Chris has been dropped from chewing gum and milk adverts. Maybe all that calcium gave him extra powerful arms for punching and stronger teeth for biting. Supposedly.

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Remember a few weeks ago when we told you that early-nineties hasbeen rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested for hitting his wife?

Well, we forgot to tell you one very important thing – the 911 call that his wife made was mental.

Seriously. And we’re only using the word mental here because no words exist that can accurately describe how flat-out weird the call is. From what we can work out, Vanilla Ice hit his wife because she bought a bed for herself and then, Vanilla Ice starts threatening to kill himself with a motorbike. But, hey, you can hear that for yourself after the jump.

Domestic violence isn’t funny. Well, look, actually it sort of is a bit funny, but only so long as it’s done by men who used to be famous but aren’t any more and just happen to be hopelessly ineffectual at domestic violence.

Perhaps we need to explain this more. A man hitting a woman in the face isn’t funny, but Dennis Rodman squeezing his girlfriend’s arm because he’s drunk and his wife won’t let him see his children is funny. Similarly, all other violent attack on women by men aren’t funny, unless they happen to be conducted by Vanilla Ice and – immediately after the attack occurs – Vanilla Ice’s wife phones 911 and uses the call to complain about how Vanilla Ice never gives her any of his money while Vanilla Ice whines in the background about how he’s going to kill himself.

That is funny. We know this because it happened.

Last month Vanilla Ice was arrested for violently assaulting his wife. As much of a shock as it must have been for Vanilla Ice’s wife, who must have thought “I really preferred you when your wore outlandishly-sized trousers and sung about teenage animatronic tortoises” during the attack, she later dropped the charges against him and all was forgotten.

Until TMZ managed to get hold of the Vanilla Ice domestic battery 911 call, that it. Honestly, it’s just perfect in its descent into utter stupidity. We’ll give you the link to the tape in a second, but first, here are the key moments you’d do well to listen out for:

“He kicked me, he tried to choke me in front of my kid.”

“Is he black or Hispanic?’

“Awww, now he’s threatening to kill himself.”

“He’s mad because he buys everything in the house. He buys all the shoes.”

“I have no bed.”

OK, enough teasing. Enjoy.

Listen to the Vanilla Ice Domestic abuse 911 call now

When Vanilla Ice told you to stop, collaborate and listen, he meant it – and if you failed to comply he’d wallop your skull in with a crowbar.

So we can assume that Vanilla Ice’s wife hasn’t been doing very much in the way of stopping, collaborating or listening lately – because Vanilla Ice has been arrested on suspicion of violently assaulting her.

It sounds very serious and deeply worrying, but there’s a glimmer of good news in this as well – by allegedly kicking and punching his terrified wife, Vanilla Ice has become more famous than he has been for 17 years. If only all laughably forgotten novelty performers had the insight to viciously attack a woman, maybe they’d also be enjoying the same spoils as Vanilla Ice right now. The fools.

Back in the early 1990s, Vanilla Ice was the king. Specifically he was the king of wearing awful clothes, having a dreadful haircut and only having one song that was any good. But that was still enough for Vanilla Ice to fulfil his two life-long dreams – performing a song on the soundtrack to a sequel of a movie about animatronic tortoises and putting his hands down Madonna‘s pants in a mucky book about doing it.

But that must all seem so long ago now. Now, after about a billion failed comebacks – including one on Channel Five reality TV show The Farm – Vanilla Ice has finally made it! He’s back in the big time!

That’s because, as of right now, Vanilla Ice is the most famous man who was arrested on suspicion of violently attacking his wife last night in the world. Metro reports:

Vanilla Ice (remember him?) has been arrested after an alleged bust-up with his wife. Robert Van Winkle was arrested after his wife, Laura called the police to say her husband was hitting and kicking her, claim reports. Police arrived at his home in Florida and found the 40-year-old motorbike two blocks from their home. According to a local newspaper, Winkle’s wife Laura told a deputy: “He started yelling at me for going out to buy a bedroom set in front of my daughter. “I can’t say any more until I talk to an attorney.

A bedroom set? Oh, well then that’s a different story. We’ve always maintained that violence against a woman is one of the most reprehensible things a man can do, unless it’s about a bedroom set – in which case they’re effing well asking for it.

However, things might not might be as cut and dry at they seem. There are also claims that Vanilla Ice had pushed his wife as opposed to punching and kicking her, and also that she’s bipolar, skipped her medication at threw a picture frame from a balcony at Vanilla Ice and their children.

Vanilla Ice will appear in front of a judge today to find out if the arrest was justifiable – so it’s still by no means certain that this domestic battery arrest has any substance – he does have a history of this sort of thing. In 2004, for example, Vanilla Ice pleaded guilty to the exact same offence.

We’re sure that the full story will emerge over time, provided that the novelty value of being able to write about Vanilla Ice sticks around, at least. But if Vanilla Ice is found guilty and sent to jail, then he’ll have nothing to fear. If violent inmates like one thing, it’s domestic battery prisoners who’ve spent the last two decades as a global cultural joke. He’ll get an easy ride in there for sure.

Read more:

Vanilla Ice arrested after abuse claim – Metro