DON’T PANIC EVERYONE! Frankie from The Saturdays has been found alive and well! Go back about your business.

The World was left in a state of shock when The Saturdays pitched up on London’s Oxford Street to turn on the Christmas lights, only to find that Frankie (the one people know the name of) wasn’t there.

It turns out that the former S Club Juniors singer was just feeling a bit poorly, so wasn’t able to join her band mates when they officially started Christmas on Tuesday evening.

Rumours circulated that the singer must have been kidnapped as part of a terrorist plot to derail the musical behemoth that is The Saturdays. The plan came about when senior Al-Qaeda leaders discovered documentary evidence that suggested that The Saturdays, the most powerful pop group in the West, are unable to defend the country in their giant fighting robots, which can merge together to form a giant mechanical monster, when they are not all together.

Hold on, we may have confused the Saturdays with the Power Rangers for a minute.

No, Frankie just wasn’t feeling well and apparently wasn’t up to the task of standing on a stage with 4 other people to do a single synchronised movement, despite the fact that this has formed the basis of her career to date.

Now that she’s back, The Saturdays can resume being the biggest pop band in Britain that is still yet to have had any semblance of commercial success outside of an ad campaign or a copy of Now! magazine.

Although, thinking about it, we can’t help but feel that if The Saturdays did actually become Power Rangers, they’d probably be a bit more successful and we might actually care whether or not one of them was too ill to flick a bloody switch on Oxford Street.

Oh well, at least we now know how many Saturdays it takes to switch on a light bulb. If only we could remember their names.

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In just a couple of hours, around thirty waving lunatics are going to be pelvic-thrusting their way into the Big Brother house.

We are going absolutely bananas with anticipation. Who will these people be? Will they be as pretty as the Northern lass from last year who immediately announced that she would never show another human being her breasts as she entered the house, then pretty much left with them both just hanging out? Or will they be more like the Scottish ballet guy who spat at people? We just don’t know. We just don’t know.

What we do know, however, is that some housemates are totally unforgettable. Remember these guys…

1. Tom McDermott, Series One

Famous for his strong Irish glare, Tom literally said nothing during his stint in the house. He demanded food by simply grabbing it from people’s hands, and it was only when a late afternoon massage gave him a full erection that we realised that he was an emotional character after all. He is a qualified brick layer.

2. Elizabeth Woodcock, Series Two

Not one to shout for attention, Elizabeth liked to communicate in just thin lipped smiles, or the occasional half-yawn. She once threw caution to the wind and explained to Dean that she thought sex was like a heightened form of communication. Cameras presumably cut away as Dean snorted at her, before dashing off to tell the others.

3. Lee Davey, Series Three

Lee was a gym member, who loved exercising so much that he’d had a Nike swoosh tattooed on his arm. Or his leg. One of the two. He spent most of the show asking girls what kind of sex they enjoyed, only with all the expression of a robot explaining that you must pay attention, a vehicle is reversing.

4. Steph Coldicott, Series Four

Where would series four have been without Steph? A small, brown haired thing, she was great. She used to wash things, and eat stuff. Sometimes she looked in the fridge, sometimes she didn’t look in the fridge. She was unpredictable, that Steph.

5. Vanessa Nimmo, Series Five

A softly spoken South African woman, Vanessa spent the notorious FIGHT NIGHT sitting quietly in another room, possibly reading a book. When she wasn’t alone in rooms, she could be found next to her best friend, Shell, simply nodding at whatever Shell just said.

6. Vanessa Layton-McIntosh, Series Six

Yes, another Vanessa. This time one who managed to go on strike for a whole fifty days before getting evicted. What did her strike involve? Not doing anything at all at any point. She was magnificent at it.

7. George Askew, Series Seven

George left it for around a week, before he gingerly stepped into Big Brother‘s office to ask if he could go home now please. His impact on the house simply couldn’t be measured. Mikey missed him. Mikey missed him a bit.

8. Kara-Louise Horne, Series Eight

Everyone’s always going on about Brian Belo when they talk about Big Brother 8, but what about Kara-Louise huh? You know, Kara-Louise? The one with the two-tone fringe bit and the frightened eyes. What about her?

9. Dale Howard, Series Nine

Dale made just one mistake, and that was demanding to sexually approach any woman that got in his way during his pre-show interview. But, once in the house, he wasn’t a terrifying sexual predator at all. He was just a boy, staring into space, allowing his tongue to droop gently from his mouth.

This piece of GOLD was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment, who we couldn’t love any more than we currently do.

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