Have you been eagerly anticipating a new Van Halen album? You have? You are aware it’s not 1983, right?

No matter. You’ve been waiting for a new Van Halen album, and Eddie Van Halen isn’t going to disappoint. Eddie Van Halen has promised that a new Van Halen tour and album are coming, even though everyone secretly knows that the band will have three rehearsals and then break up again.

But trust Eddie Van Halen, even though Van Halen changes so often that the new album will probably be performed by Eddie, his milkman, Fred Durst and his wife’s pet goat on banjo.

Although we’d rather force-feed ourselves drawing pins than listen to one of his albums all the way through, we have to admit to a sneaking admiration for Eddie Van Halen – specifically his never-say-die attitude to life.

When his original singer quit his band, Eddie Van Halen simply replaced him with a new singer whose name made him sound like a comedy viking. Then when he quit the band, Eddie Van Halen replaced him with another singer, and then the first singer, and then a new singer, and then the first singer again, then sacked the bassist and replaced him with a teenage boy named Wolf. All of which makes perfect sense.

But if there’s one thing – apart from mind-breaking lineup changes – that characterises Van Halen, it’s the way that everything the band ever tries to do always falls apart at the last minute because Eddie Van Halen is shitfaced on booze. Van Halen’s induction into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame was a car crash precisely because Eddie Van Halen checked himself into rehab about three seconds before it took place; and when they finally got it together enough to tour, the band had to pull a bunch of shows because of Eddie Van Halen’s ‘issues’.

So you’ll forgive us for not having too much faith in Eddie Van Halen when he says that he’s gathering the band together for a new album and tour. Musicradar reports:

“We had a lot of fun on the tour – Dave was a blast. And next time we go out, we’re going to have some new stuff, too. I’m looking forward to getting on it. I’ve got tons of music written, such a variety of stuff… Actually, next week or the week after, Wolfie, Alex, and I are gonna start jamming. Maybe we’ll give Dave a call and see what he’s up to.”

Oh, alright. Enough cynicism. We’re actually looking forward to the new Van Halen album and tour. Or, to be more accurate, we’re looking forward to the one rehearsal they get halfway through before Eddie Van Halen falls over drunk in the middle of a 45-minute widdly-widdly-woo guitar solo, David Lee Roth quits the band 15 times in a row and little Wolf hits puberty and becomes so scared by all the hair in his pants that he runs around terrified until he clatters into a wall and knocks himself unconscious.

Because that’s literally going to be the best one of those things ever. Van Halen! Woo!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!