He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model.  And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model.  And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.

Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name.  Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.

Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines.  The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his.  Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.

The quote which may be the most misguided statment since the mayor of Hiroshima said “it’s only one plane, how much damage can it do?” Pattinson is reported to have announced to the world;

“Doing something like Twilight opens doors and it closes others. You can say, ‘Oh if I was still unknown, then no one would judge me.’ But at the same time, nobody would give a shit either.”

Which is very, very true Mr Pattinson. We do judge you, to be rather uninteresting and impossibly pale for someone made of meat.

You only get that passing glimmer of attention because you were That Guy In Twilight.  And weren’t you shagging That Lass From Twilight?

You still are, but you’re keeping it secret from the world?  To appear more interesting?  Good luck with that.

See, Pattinson is half right.  We don’t really care that much. We give less of a shit, more of a skidmark.

Suited or Booted?

Folded

• R.I.P. Steve Jobs – There’s nothing wrong with being snarky but let’s remember this sort of thing.
• US Network Drama – Or rather, why it’s rubbish.
• Movie Posters - If they told the truth, this is probably what they’d say.
• When Bad Films Happen To Good Actors – There’s not a lot of arguing with Shortlist’s exhaustive list.
• Kismot Killer Curry – A curry that hospitalises the people who eat it? Where do we sign up?

Creased

• Celebrity Reporters Are Like Political Correspondents – Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh… wait a minute.
• Movie Stars Are Vampires?! – No, they’re not. Especially not John Travolta. He’s an alien. D’uh.
• If Walls Could Talk – If you’ve got a Smeg fridge, an Aga and a middle class superiority complex then this show is for you. Although hearing Lucy Worsley say ‘wrought’ and ‘proliferation’ is worth the license fee alone.
• Steampunk – Ruined by Wild Wild West & the impending release of The Three Musketeers, you can buy these Star Wars interpretations. If you want. No pressure.
• The Human Centipede II – It’s a video nasty! No, it’s not.

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There’s no video content for this week’s Badvertising, primarily because caretaker of the advertising corner, Michael Park, has become the victim of legal action after a woman’s head exploded after seeing his smug, self-involved face on her computer screen more than the appointed twice in a month. This means that it’s back to plain ol’ words!

When you’re making an advert, it’s important to establish a relationship for the sake of the viewer. Now, what do we mean by that? There are myriad different types of relationships in advertising from the authoritarian ‘expert’ who spends a worrying amount of time bellowing out of the television, to the ‘friends’ who love nothing more than snuggling up on a couch eating Maltesers and taking intravenous injections of air freshener.

There are antagonistic husband and wife duos as well as the brother/sister combo and occasionally you get to see a couple of children sitting around being accosted by a rip-off mouse. It’s just how advertising is. Relationships are usually established pretty damned quickly.

Except here…

Who is this woman? Aside from being someone who breaks into people’s houses and demands cups of tea while speaking like Margaret Thatcher after she was forced to chain-watch all six seasons of Sex In The City, she appears to be an apparition who believes solely in the spread of bingo.

Perhaps she belongs to the Church Of Jesus Christ & The Latter Day Tweak of the Thumb. Who knows. She could be the Queen Bee or the Dancing Queen. She’s definitely not one of the Two Fat Ladies. There we go, we’ve got rid of all the woeful bingo puns in one paragraph that you could have ignored if we’d had the good grace to warn you beforehand.

Once this mad bat has cracked her laptop out, she begins indoctrinating her shocked victim into the ways of bingo until the poor, bemused fool is too broken to even question this woman’s presence in her kitchen. There she was getting on with a spot of ironing and the next thing she knows, some vampiric whore who has just eaten a live chicken to sustain her blood lust is hovering over her talking about her father liked to engage in orgies.

Everything happens so fast, even the audience is left completely unaware of who this woman is. One thing’s for sure, she must have an endless supply of laptops if she’s not even bothering to take it with her. Do vampires have a lot of money? That’s a thought for the Hallowe’en special…

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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not merely boring people… they’re also pretty lousy actors too! And the new Twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer is here to showcase just that!

Like a teenage drama group trying to perform some heaving bosomed period drama with all the subtlety of a condom jammed up your nostril, there’s a lot of brooding going down.

Shall we gawp at it?

You may already know that this new film sees the marriage of Stewart’s Bella and Pattinson’s Edward. You can probably guess that Lautner takes his shirt off at everyone given moment too.

And you’ve probably assumed that there will be vampires kicking werewolf gangs in the face in some weird woodland homoeroticism.

Did you know about Edward and Bella having a half-vampire/half-human baby?

Is the film trying to create a character that’s as lifeless and tedious as Robert Pattinson is in real life?

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Abraham Lincoln is one of America’s favourite presidents. He did everything right – he had a cool beard, helped to abolish slavery and died before his time before he could cock his legacy up. Sadly, he was a Republican which puts him in line with Sarah Palin and Arnie.

Anyway, because he looks cool, Abe Lincoln is the perfect man to star in a film. With Abe being so revered, it’ll be a tough gig for whoever takes him on, right?

Well, a relative newcomer called Benjamin Walker has been handed the title role in a film which sees Abraham doing what he does best – killing vampires. What? You heard. He’ll be the star of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and it could well be the greatest thing ever shown on the silver screen.

That’s right kiddiekins! This obviously amazing movie will see the 16th US president kicking vampires in the nuts during the Civil War.

Whether it’ll be like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, we don’t know… mainly because we haven’t seen it. Either way, it has to be brilliant. Just thinking about gangly Abe punching a vampire’s head clean-off is too much to bear!

This will be Walker’s first big-budget role as he’s more used to treading the boards of Broadway.

He has previously starred in the absolutely woeful Golden Compass and the ‘we haven’t seen this one either’, Flags of Our Fathers, which Clint Eastwood had something to do with.

Sadly, there’s no word on who will play Henry Sturges. Who is Henry Sturges when he’s at home? Silly! He’s the man who mentors and trains Lincoln to hunt, maim and kill vampires!

Forget the new Harry Potter film and forget the new Batman movie – Abraham Lincoln is the hero this ailing, post-Millennial world needs.

We greatly look forward to Werewolf Shakespeare Versus Mothra hitting the screens in the future.

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Zombies, zombies, fucking zombies. We really should be sick of the sight of them. The most annoying thing about them is that regardless of how many zombie films come along people keep on making more on them.

On the flipside every so often someone comes up with a decent take on them, and most of the awful films don’t make it as far as the cinema. They have a much better hit rate than vampires and with good reason.

Zombies may have no emotions or feelings but that’s a hell of a lot more appealing than being angst-ridden self-obsessed immortal teenagers.

No-one is scared of vampires- if a vampire kills you, you slowly fade away in the throes of sexual ecstasy. If a zombie kills you, you’re torn apart screaming in unimaginable pain. If a vampire turns you, you turn into a romantic pale-skinned ponce- like how Pete Doherty sees himself. When a zombie bites you turn into a stinking mess with decaying flesh and unwashed clothes- essentially how the rest of the world sees Pete Doherty.

Therefore zombies are more scary.

It seems that every film-maker and writer has spent his (or her, but let’s not kid ourselves here) life waiting for the chance to give us their take on the zombie story. This new era seems to have begun with the not-technically-zombies zombie film 28 Days Later. Danny Boyle’s straight-faced tale of running zombies was then answered by Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s shuffling zomcom Shaun of the Dead. Since then there’s been a consistent run of original takes on the genre.

Hecklerspray’s recent favourite is the Greek comedy-horror  Evil:In the Time of Heroes which flips between modern day and ancient times and features Billy Zane as an immortal warrior monk. It’s knowingly ridiculous and charming with it.

So news that Frank Darabont was taking time off from making decent Stephen King adaptations to helm a TV version of Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead comic series was met with excitement. The first episode aired in the UK on Saturday so in quality terms was it a Dawn or a Diary of the Dead?

After an attention-grabbing first scene that has cop Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) shooting a zombie child in the head, the programme rewinds to the events that lead Grimes to be unconscious in hospital when the zombie outbreak occurs. It then steals the same scene from Day of the Triffids that 28 Days Later borrowed, with Grimes waking up in an apocalyptic world seemingly free of living beings. He then spends time with a father and son who are squatting in Grimes’s road, being haunted by zombie-mum.

Here we get a measure of a world where everyone you know is dead, or worse, undead. After this, Grimes heads towards the cities to get chased around by an army of shuffling evil, hungry for the innards of anyone who appeared in This Life.

So far, so good. It’s cinematic in its scale and look, the atmosphere is incredibly tense and the emotional realities of the situation are well written and convincingly performed. Lincoln not only comfortably carries the narrative but also has a decent American accent. Accents are a curious British concern but they can be distracting for us if done badly.

The only criticism is that thus far it hasn’t gone into any areas that haven’t been fully covered by previous films- the Triffids scene, the parent/child survivors and scenes of devastation are all conventions of the zombie and post-apocalypse genres. Its only unique aspect so far is that it can spend time with character development- something that’s difficult when you only have 90 minutes and have to squeeze the dialogue around imaginative undead slayings.

So now Darabont’s got our attention, what’s he going to do with us now?

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Vampires are sexy aren’t they? Okay, they’re not, but they’re the only supernatural force that women want to have sex with. You can’t shag a bog-standard zombie because their genitals would fall off and werewolves probably smell like Pedigree Chum and farts. And their penises will look like a red lipstick.

That leaves ghosts and vampires and the former are about as much use as a fireguard made from fire.

Tapping into the bloodstream of Buffy and True Blood comes Valemont, a new show which is apparently big budget and airing exclusively on MTV (and, if the previous shows are anything to go by, a torrent site near you). We’ve got a trailer to masturbate over too.

MTV premieres the all-new supernatural mystery series Valemont on September 19th at 10.30pm. Is it like Scooby Doo in a push-up bra? Well, not really.

The show is set at Valemont University and like any other exclusive east coast TV college, it is filled with rich students, irritatingly impressive alumni and brats. However, this one has a secret. A dangerous vampiric one. Possibly with designer stubble.

Valemont follows Sophie Gracen, played by Kristen Hager (Aliens vs. Predator), who MTV describe as ‘a beautiful, tough-minded girl whose world is turned upside down when police discover a body they believe to be her brother Eric (Eric Balfour; The O.C., Six Feet Under, 24).

When the opportunity arises, Sophie steals Eric’s mobile phone back from the cops and learns that he was a student at Valemont University.

And so, she goes off to find out who murdered him and assumes another student’s identity and enrolls in the college herself.

We’ll then see our Sophie being irritated by the poshos of the university as well as getting caught in the ubiquitous love triangle involving both human and vampire students.

View the Valemont trailer: http://www.mtv.co.uk/shows/valemont/episode/valemont-trailer and see more at http://www.mtv.co.uk/valemont

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Interesting results from last night’s People’s Choice Awards – unflinching war drama The Hurt Locker won Best Movie.

That’s a lie. Twilight won Best Movie. Because, you know, it’s the People’s Choice Awards so – unlike the Oscars – it’s voted for by a smattering of clattering idiots as opposed to people who don’t bafflingly equate a movie’s quality with the amount of bad-haired, sad-eyed teenage vampires that can be shoehorned into it.

But why do so many bad things win so many People’s Choice Awards? You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve managed to crack the code. All is revealed below…

We’ve got it. We’ve finally got it. After years of staring dumbfounded at the People’s Choice Awards as Johnny Depp won awards for films he made three years ago, or generic country who are utterly indistinguishable from all other generic country acts won Best Musical Group awards, or American Idol won anything, we think we’ve finally cracked it.

Sure, we may have previously thought that the People’s Choice Awards was just a hollow, meaningless, ephemeral show where mouth-breathing middle Americans simply voted for the thing that had received the most daytime television advertising as opposed to the thing they liked best, but not any more.

As the results of last night’s People’s Choice Awards prove, there’s actually a highly sophisticated algorithm at work here, based on a complex filtration system. Here’s the cast-iron decision-making process behind the People’s Choice Awards voting, along with last night’s winners to back the theory up:

QUESTION ONE: DOES IT DIRECTLY INVOLVE VAMPIRES?

Favourite Movie: Twilight

Favourite On-Screen Team: Twilight

Favourite Franchise: The Twilight Saga

Favourite Breakout Movie Actor: Taylor Lautner

Favourite New TV Drama: The Vampire Diaries

Favourite Sci-Fi Fantasy Show – Supernatural

Favourite TV Obsession: True Blood

If not, move on to question two.

QUESTION TWO: DOES IT INDIRECTLY RELATE TO VAMPIRES?

Favourite Rock Band: Paramore (From the Twilight soundtrack)

Favourite Female Artist: Taylor Swift (Rumoured sort-of girlfriend of Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner)

If not, move on to question three.

QUESTION THREE: CAN THE AWARD BE GIVEN TO SOMEBODY WHO YOU SECRETLY WISH WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Favourite Movie Actress: Sandra Bullock

Favourite Comedy Movie: The Proposal

Favourite Action Star: Hugh Jackman

Favourite Country Artist: Carrie Underwood

Favourite Talk Show: The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Favourite TV Drama Actress: Katherine Heigl

Favourite TV Drama Actor: Hugh Laurie

Favourite TV Drama: House

If not, move on to question four.

QUESTION FOUR: CAN THE AWARD BE GIVEN TO SOMEONE A FEW YEARS PAST THEIR BEST BUT AT LEAST YOU’VE HEARD OF?

Favourite Comedic Actor: Jim Carrey

Favourite Male Artist: Keith Urban

Favourite R&B Artist: Mariah Carey

Favourite Hip-Hop Artist: Eminem

If not, move onto question five.

QUESTION FIVE: CAN YOU VOTE FOR ANYONE BECAUSE YOU HEARD YOUR KIDS MENTION THEM A COUPLE OF TIMES AND YOU THINK THAT VOTING FOR THEM WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MORE ATTENTIVE PARENT?

Favourite Independent Movie: Inglourious Basterds

Favourite Pop Artist: Lady Gaga

Favourite Breakout Music Artist: Lady Gaga

Favourite Breakout Movie Actress: Miley Cyrus

Favourite Music Collaboration: Run This Town

Favourite New TV Comedy: Glee

If not, move on to question six.

QUESTION SIX: HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYTHING TO JOHNNY DEPP YET?

Favourite Actor: Johnny Depp

There. Now we’ve solved this puzzle for you, you need never watch another People’s Choice Awards ceremony ever again. If you’re going to thank us, thank us with cash.

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In the build up to the launch of vampire drama True Blood on Channel 4, hecklerspray’s Keith Emmerson caught up with the defiantly charming and ruggedly handsome Stephen Moyer (who plays Bill Compton) to discover the man behind the vampire.

We are also reassuringly told that he could kill Robert Pattinson if he had to. If you didn’t catch the first episode on Channel 4, it’s available on 4OD – watch it.

Video after the jump!

True Blood, Wednesdays, 10pm on Channel 4. For more information, please click here.

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10 - Genius or boring? Oh. Boring. Thanks…

9 - Want to make an exfoliating salt rub? OK! – Instructables

8 - An unashamedly cute video of a girl winding up Kermit The Frog – YouTube

7 – Saturn V in slow motion – Liveleak

6 - True Blood or Twilight? Which fictional vampire would you rather bone? – BuddyTV

5 - Got an iPhone? Then here are some apps that’ll make you look even more like an immense tosspot – Cracked

4 - Microscopic photography of basically all the evil things that live in your hair. Amongst other things – Darkroastedblend

3 - There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how much we want one of these – Lifehacker

2 – No no no no NO maggots no – I Am Bored

1 – More about the new Lily Allen album than you could ever wish to read. No, really. Ever – Popjustice

Why are we so fascinated by vampires? From Dracula to Buffy, it seems we just can’t get enough of the bloodsuckers.

But why? Do we secretly crave the idea of becoming an empty soul, devoid of human emotion, and only interested in satisfying our own wanton bloodlust through the corruption of innocents. A bit like Madonna. Or is it just because we like the idea of good lie-in. Never growing old is pretty good too. Mind you, you’d miss the sunshine. But then again, we live in England, so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Whatever the reason, we just can’t get enough of them. How else do you explain the popularity of Dr Gillian McKeith‘s You Are What You Eat? Indeed, it seems anything is acceptable as long you dress it in a long, black cloak, fangs and a ghostly complexion. Maybe Hillary Clinton should try it. Oh, she already has (terrible joke, we know).

Anyway, hecklerspray has decided to pick through the crud to find the best Hollywood vampires – and we don’t mean the studios.

8. David
Film: The Lost Boys (1987)


Jack Bauer is a vampire. Oh yes. Not sure what’s more frightening: the fact he’s a bloodthirsty killer or the fact he has the balls to have that hairstyle.

7. Blade
Films: Blade (1998), Blade 2 (2002), Blade Trinity (2004)

OK, Wesley’s Snipes‘s titular hero is in fact half-vampire and half-human, hence the reason he can walk around in daylight. But as we’re never going to do a list for the top 10 movie characters that are half-vampire, half-man, it’ll have to do. The opening nightclub sequence in the first film sets the tone for what is a brilliant series.

6. Count Orlok
Film: Nosferatu (1922)

OK, technically, he and Dracula are one in the same as it’s an unauthorised version of Bram Stoker‘s Dracula – with the names changed to protect the not-so-innocent. But, again, give us a break! Why do we like Nosferatu so much? It looks really dated – not surprisingly for a film made in the 1920s – and the dialogue is simply appalling. But, even to this day, there is something about Count Orlok himself which just creeps us out. The silhouette of him and his incredibly long fingernails coming up the stairs really sticks in the memory.

5. Selene
Films: Underworld (2003); Underworld: Evolution (2006)

Forget the ridiculous story and the shitty special effects, Kate Beckinsale‘s sexy vampire assassin is worth the admission alone.

4. Santanico Pandemonium
Film: From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

If you had never heard of Salma Hayek before, you certainly did after this film. One of the most memorable movie entrances ever.

3. Severin
Film: Near Dark (1987)

If you have never seen this film, you must rent it out immediately. Basically, it’s almost the entire cast of Aliens (minus Sigourney Weaver and, of course, the xenomorphs) as gun-toting, ass-kicking bloodsuckers.
And at the top of the list is Bill Paxton‘s wisecracking vamp Severin. Simply brilliant.

2. Mr Barlow
Film: Salem’s Lot (1979)

One of the scariest vampires ever. We did not sleep for a week after watching this. OK, we were five.

1. Dracula
Films: Too many to list here

Whether it’s Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi, Gary Oldman or, er, Gerard Butler, every generation has their own Dracula. And so will the next generation, and the next, because his story will be told over and over again. Dracula has almost become synonymous with horror, and just like the character, will live on. Although, can we just say, Keanu Reeves‘s display as Jonathan Harker in Francis Ford Coppola‘s 1992 film is probably the worst ever performance by an actor. He really should not have been paid for that. Glad to get that off our chests.