He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model. And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model. And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.
Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name. Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.
Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines. The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his. Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.
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There’s no video content for this week’s Badvertising, primarily because caretaker of the advertising corner, Michael Park, has become the victim of legal action after a woman’s head exploded after seeing his smug, self-involved face on her computer screen more than the appointed twice in a month. This means that it’s back to plain ol’ words!
When you’re making an advert, it’s important to establish a relationship for the sake of the viewer. Now, what do we mean by that? There are myriad different types of relationships in advertising from the authoritarian ‘expert’ who spends a worrying amount of time bellowing out of the television, to the ‘friends’ who love nothing more than snuggling up on a couch eating Maltesers and taking intravenous injections of air freshener.
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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not merely boring people… they’re also pretty lousy actors too! And the new Twilight: Breaking Dawn trailer is here to showcase just that!
Like a teenage drama group trying to perform some heaving bosomed period drama with all the subtlety of a condom jammed up your nostril, there’s a lot of brooding going down.
Shall we gawp at it?
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Abraham Lincoln is one of America’s favourite presidents. He did everything right – he had a cool beard, helped to abolish slavery and died before his time before he could cock his legacy up. Sadly, he was a Republican which puts him in line with Sarah Palin and Arnie.
Anyway, because he looks cool, Abe Lincoln is the perfect man to star in a film. With Abe being so revered, it’ll be a tough gig for whoever takes him on, right?
Well, a relative newcomer called Benjamin Walker has been handed the title role in a film which sees Abraham doing what he does best – killing vampires. What? You heard. He’ll be the star of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and it could well be the greatest thing ever shown on the silver screen.
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Zombies, zombies, fucking zombies. We really should be sick of the sight of them. The most annoying thing about them is that regardless of how many zombie films come along people keep on making more on them.
On the flipside every so often someone comes up with a decent take on them, and most of the awful films don’t make it as far as the cinema. They have a much better hit rate than vampires and with good reason.
Zombies may have no emotions or feelings but that’s a hell of a lot more appealing than being angst-ridden self-obsessed immortal teenagers. Read More >>>
Vampires are sexy aren’t they? Okay, they’re not, but they’re the only supernatural force that women want to have sex with. You can’t shag a bog-standard zombie because their genitals would fall off and werewolves probably smell like Pedigree Chum and farts. And their penises will look like a red lipstick.
That leaves ghosts and vampires and the former are about as much use as a fireguard made from fire.
Tapping into the bloodstream of Buffy and True Blood comes Valemont, a new show which is apparently big budget and airing exclusively on MTV (and, if the previous shows are anything to go by, a torrent site near you). We’ve got a trailer to masturbate over too. Read More >>>
Interesting results from last night’s People’s Choice Awards – unflinching war drama The Hurt Locker won Best Movie.
That’s a lie. Twilight won Best Movie. Because, you know, it’s the People’s Choice Awards so – unlike the Oscars – it’s voted for by a smattering of clattering idiots as opposed to people who don’t bafflingly equate a movie’s quality with the amount of bad-haired, sad-eyed teenage vampires that can be shoehorned into it.
But why do so many bad things win so many People’s Choice Awards? You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve managed to crack the code. All is revealed below…
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