Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Ms. Hickey admitted that she often carries an apple around with her in hope that by holding said apple people will automatically recognise her hands and lavish her with praise and adoration. They don’t. This could partly be attributed to the fact people’s hands look pretty much the same, but it’s mostly because no one actually cares.

The lack of interest hasn’t stopped out Simba Kimbra though; she’s after a part in the latest Twilight film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Her hand modelling shows us that she already has about as much acting talent as the incredibly one dimensional Robert Pattinson or the allegedly Vagina-less and jaw-droppingly wooden Kristen Stewart, but as yet she hasn’t heard back from the casting director and we can’t say we’re too surprised.

Hickey’s agent, Danielle Korwin, said that her client’s hands were in demand because they were veinless. Korwin then went on to state that they obviously weren’t the sort of hands a vampire would like. Did you see what she did there? Did you? She’s pretty sharp that one, with wit like that it’s no wonder her client is a worldwide star… wait… she’s not? Oh.

Anywho, until fame appears at her bedroom window one night to come and sweep her away, Kimbra Hickey is going to have to make do with her apparently lucrative hand modelling career and the fact that in a few years time, it’ll be a totally different kind of hand job she’ll have to rely on in order to make ends meet.

Science. Isn’t it a marvel? Without it there’d be no internet, which means we’d all probably have horrid, tanned, athletic bodies and nasty, well-rounded psyches unburdened by celebrity minutiae.

Without science we wouldn’t have photographs of that face on Mars that isn’t a face, or that Large Hadron Collider thingo that was meant to punch a hole in the universe and didn’t.

And without science we wouldn’t now know that pretend-vampire Robert Pattinson might be a non-pretend-vampire, because his dad’s Dracula, his mum’s Stephenie Meyer, Prince Harry is his cousin and his funny uncle is, oh, who knows, probably Jesus.

Not that we’re saying Jesus was a vampire. Or an uncle. Or funny. That’s not for us to say – we leave that stuff to professional genealogists.

The genealogists at Ancestry.com recently delved into Robert Pattinson’s family tree – not because his five-hundred-and-fifty-fifth vampire film is about to come out and some people might be losing interest – but presumably to investigate that smell. Or maybe they found a sample of his hair to be ninety percent skunk DNA, or something.

Anyway, using SCIENCE, they discovered that not only is Robert Pattinson related to Vlad the Impaler (the fifteenth century Transylvanian prince who inspired Bram Stoker to write Dracula), he’s related to Vlad the Impaler through Princes Harry and William.

And if that wasn’t enough, Stephenie Mayer‘s related to the lot of them. Oh, and Emma Watson is descended from an actual witch, but no one really cares about her.

This is what Ancestry.com’s Anastasia Taylor had to say about these revelations about Robert Pattinson’s family tree:

“Without any myth or magic, we find royalty and vampires lurking in Pattinson’s life — making his story just as supernatural as the one he’s playing on screen.”

Woah! What was that? We don’t know about you, but we didn’t understand a word of that – it was all science, science, science. We think it means that:

• Vampires definitely exist.
• Miley Cyrus is a hobbit.
• Mickey Rourke is a unicorn.
• You can get pregnant from kissing.

But the really astonishing news is that, with a family consisting of a bloke who skewered approximately 50,000 people, two over-privileged goosestepping gooners and a woman who won’t stop writing interminable novels about people called Renesmee no matter how much we beg, Robert Pattinson – just a vampire with weird hair who’s pretending not to be a vampire – is the best of a bad lot.

Oh, we don’t know. Perhaps the Large Hadron Collider did punch a hole in the universe after all.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Besides being one S short of having the funniest monster name ever – some people find the Aswang to be truly intimidating. Rumour has it that in parts of the Philippines the streets are desolate as soon as the sun goes down for fear of being eaten by one of these things.

Don’t worry though – these shape shifters don’t usually go after living adults. They like to spend their time slathering mustard all over corpses of the recently dead. Also they sometimes use a proboscis to suck foetuses out of a woman’s woo-woo.

Other than that we’ve heard they’re probably dedicated vegetarians.

In the Philippines – legend of the Aswang has been around for hundreds of years. It’s been described a lot of different ways, but here’s a typical profile, according to Unknown Creatures.com:

“An Aswang is generally viewed as a shape-shifter that prowls the evening looking for corpses, infants, fetuses and sometimes, people to consume. They will usually appear quiet and shy when in human form but at night, they turn into these monsters. They usually have proboscises, used for sucking out children from their homes or fetuses from their mother’s wombs.”

Well off-hand we’d say that description sounds kind of cartoonish. But we may have a different opinion should we ever find a weird super long and hairy tongue probing around our bed sheets looking for us – kind of like this first hand account of an Aswang encounter as found on Djhal107′s Weblog:

“I had a real experienced of seeing this monster, I was a young boy at that time and our house was in a small barrio (small town) with only few neighbors and surrounded with trees. The wife of our neighbor was pregnant at that time and their house was a small hut with windows that cant be closed, which simply means you can see the stars in their house during night time. It was a very noisy mid-night that i could not sleep, our neighbor dogs keeps howling in our backyards. So, I tried to check it, I slightly-opened our window good enough for my eyes to see everything outside, I am fascinated because the moon was so bright and there was no dogs in our backyard so i look at our neighbor’s house and there i saw the [howling] dogs, BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE WINDOW, I SAW SOMETHING DARK FLOATING – ITS LIKE A PERSON FLOATING HORIZONTALLY FACING OUR NEIGHBOR’S OPENED WINDOW. I was very scared because its hard to describe that dark floating thing, even the surrounding was clear. I closed the window and went straight to my bed covering myself with my pillow and sleep again.

“On the next day I talked to my friend about what happened last night, and i asked him if there was something unusual that happened in their house that night. He said he and his siblings were guarding their mother all the time and they were aware of the possible attacks of the Aswang. He told me had stepped something like a hairy tail and then he had thrown Garlic unto it and then it suddenly disappeared.”

That’s terrifying, right? But at least now we know the things don’t like garlic. Turn your living room into an Italian restaurant and you’ll never have to worry about Aswangs again. But what can you do if you don’t have those kinds of start-up funds? Don’t worry – there are other ways to defeat this beast – as plainly laid out in a Wikipedia section entitled ‘Dealing with Aswangs’. Here’s a real excerpt – and sorry ladies. You’re out of luck:

“Throwing semen at aswang is… said to irritate them.”

Bottom line fellas – if you see one of these things float in your window you need to ejaculate pronto.

Don’t worry though, women, because spooj isn’t really the only Aswang deterrent. You can also throw salt or household items shaped like a penis. It appears that phallic-shaped toaster you got at your bridal shower could be useful for more that just weiner toast.

We recommend you keep it under your pillow.

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Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas?

You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.

Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.

Now that JK Rowling has stopped writing Harry Potter books to pursue a full-time career of throwing handfuls of money in the air and jigging about gleefully as it rains back down over her head, teenagers have been in dire need of a new slightly patronising fantasy movie about people just like them. Well, like them except prettier, cleverer and less like to spend 45 minutes each morning squeezing giant hunks of rancid pus out of their foreheads every morning.

Anyway, in Twilight that’s exactly what they got. For the uninitiated, here are three fun Twilight facts:

1 - Twilight is about a girl who meets a sexy boy vampire who wants to have it off with her, or bite her, or something, but he won’t because he’s essentially a fantasy figure for regret-filled menopausal women. Also, teenage girls like him because he’s got nice hair.

2 - The Christian rock band Paramore feature heavily on the Twilight soundtrack, which instantly renders Twilight unwatchable because Paramore are objectively the worst band in history.

3 - Twilight is a box office sensation.

And, thanks to number three, and possibly the bit in number one about the vampire’s nice hair, the movie’s producer Summit Entertainment has officially greenlit Twilight 2, as Reuters reports:

The makers of hit film “Twilight” said they have given the go-ahead to produce a new movie based on the second book, “New Moon”, in the popular series of vampire novels by Stephenie Meyer. Meyer said she was “thrilled” to be making another movie. “I don’t think any other author has had a more positive experience with the makers of her movie adaptation than I have had with Summit Entertainment,” she said.

At least that’s what Reuters thought Stephanie Meyers said – she was too busy dancing around her newly-palatial living room in a top hat and shovelling clumps of suckling pig into her mouth to be completely coherent – but it doesn’t matter. Twilight 2 is happening.

Not that you need to get excited about it yet, because Twilight 2 won’t be released until 2010 and, since it’s a teen-centred movie based around vaguely religious and moral themes, Twilight star Kirsten Stewart is duty-obliged to get knocked up by a stranger and throw the shooting schedule out of whack long before then.

And it doesn’t even matter if Twilight 2 manages to get an even lower score from movie critics than the original, either. The movie is critic-proof. After all, teenage girls like Twilight, and they know quality when they see it. For instance, teenage girls used to love Jason Orange from Take That and, actually, no, Jason Orange had a face like an inflamed verruca. Bad example.

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Did you write off High School Musical as tiresomely juvenile even though you knew you’d actually wet yourself if the exact same sentiments were conveyed in a slightly emo way?

Then you’ll be thrilled to hear that that Twilight is the weekend box office number one.

While Twilight‘s US weekend box office success has its obvious downsides – like the fact that people have decided that Paramore aren’t a cock-awful gaggle of useless bad emo twits any more – it also has its upsides. For instance, Twilight being number one at the weekend box office means that if you’re British, have quite a nice haircut and wouldn’t be able to say or do anything even remotely charismatic even at knifepoint, you’re now guaranteed to get a girlfriend. True, she’ll be 14 years old and literally as annoying as a human being can get, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Get used to hearing about Twilight because now that it’s number one in the weekend box office, it’s likely that it’ll become a huge Harry Potter-style movie franchise. And that means that the stars of Twilight had better get ready to put some real work in, because it’ll only be a few years before they start to visibly age and, while films about a noble-hearted abstinence-promoting vampire are sweet, a film about a middle-aged vampire who hands out with spinsters and – we’re guessing – masturbates an awful lot would just be creepy. Here’s the weekend box office top five.

1 - Twilight (Personally we’re hoping that Twilight‘s weekend box office success prompts all existing vampire movies to go back and adopt a strict no sex before marriage policy. Bram Stoker’s Dracula, for example, would have been so much better if those three lesbian vampires all crept into Keanu Reeves‘ bedroom and developed a longstanding bond of non-threatening companionship with him. We’re sure the 14-year-old us would have enjoyed that just as much as the bit where everyone has it off with each other. Yes) $70,553,000

2 - Quantum Of Solace (Still riding high in the weekend box office, despite easily being the most disappointing film of the year. OK, that was an overstatement – you wouldn’t believe how peeved we were when we discovered that The Other Boleyn Girl didn’t feature scenes of Henry VIII having a laser battle with a robot dinosaur on top of a speeding train going up a mountain – but it’s close) $27,400,000

3 - Bolt (Although third in the weekend box office, Bolt is still apparently enjoying the biggest opening of any 3D movie in history. That’s right – even bigger than Rottweiler Dogs of Hell. Even bigger than Asylum Of The Insane. Even bigger than The Fascinating Wold Of Materials. Even bigger than, and we never thought we’d say this, Cat Women Of The Moon. So, you know, congratulations) $27,000,000

4 - Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (Hands down the best movie David Schwimmer‘s ever been in. And, yes, we’re including Breast Men in that list, purely because Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa doesn’t have Sabrina The Teenage Witch‘s aunt’s tits in it) $16,000,000

5 - Role Models (A film where some children treat Paul Rudd as a role model, and subsequently start make films co-starring the ghost of Eva Longoria. And better films, too, but that’s the only one people remember because it seems like it’d wind them up the most any time anybody talked about it) $7,229,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

There really is something about a girl with a pasty complexion, long fangs and an unhealthy desire to suck your blood dry.

OK, so put like that, it sounds a bit odd. But there’s little doubt that vampires can be very sexy.

Admittedly, Dracula never did anything for us. But whether it’s Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather bodysuit or Salma Hayek dancing with a snake, these damsels of the dark are worth getting into a flap about…

13. Sadie Frost as Lucy
Film: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Yeah, we can’t stand her either, but obviously there is something about bloodsucking which really agrees with her.

12. Anne Parillaud as Marie
Film: Innocent Blood

French beauty Parillaud is so good you almost forget how bad the film is. Don’t believe us? It’s basically The Lost Boys meets The Sopranos. Now are you convinced?

11. Angie Everhart as Lilith
Film: Bordello of Blood

Angie gives a stand out performance as a vampire hooker.

10. Soledad Miranda as Countess Nadine Carody
Film: Vampyros Lesbos

Vampires. Lesbians. Need we say anymore?

9. Catherine Deneuve as Miriam Blaylock
Film: The Hunger

Catherine Deneuve indulges in a bit of lesbian vampire action, unfortunately with old vinegar tits Susan Sarandon.

8. Aaliyah as Queen Akasha
Film: Queen of the Damned

OK, the film sucked shit through a straw, but Aaliyah looks amazing in her final appearance before her untimely death.

7. Jeri Ryan as Valerie Sharpe
Film: Dracula 2000

She’s more famous being in Star Trek, but she looks pretty good as a vampire too. Excuse the foreign language clip, but you get the point.

6. Leonor Varela as Nyssa
Film: Blade II

Forget the fact she can’t act for toffee and shares her name with a fabric conditioner, Varela makes a fang-statistic vampire in Blade II.

5. Monica Bellucci as one of Dracula’s brides
Film: Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Look, it could have been any of the three, but we would settle for Monica Bellucci. Excuse the long intro to this clip, but it’s worth it.

4. Olga Kurylenko as The Vampire
Film: Paris, je t’aime

The new Bond girl makes quite an impression as a blood-sucking vamp in this 2006 French film. Above is the trailer, blink and you’ll miss her.

3. Ingrid Pitt as Elisabeth Nodosheen
Film: Countess Dracula

Hammer horror’s finest. No vampire list would be the same without her.

2. Kate Beckinsale as Selene
Film: Underworld

We’re not huge fans of Kate Beckinsale or Underworld, but there is something about her role as Selene which stands out.

1. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium
Film: From Dusk Till Dawn

One of those movie moments that stick in your head.

Honorable mentions:
Sharon Tate as Sarah in the Fearless Vampire Killers
Jami Gertz as Star in The Lost Boys
Traci Lords as Racquel in Blade
Jenny Wright from Near Dark
Amanda Donahoe as Lady Sylvia-Marsh in The Lair of the White Worm

Katie Price, who’s that? The short answer is the fake-tanned slapper who’s famous for getting her tits out.

However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.

In the early days (aka – the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.

Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!

For a glamour model, we do oddly enough believe that Katie Price is one of the only tit-baring ladies that grace the papers to have made a proper career.

Most married men and all women know that eventually, plump and well-rounded breasts don’t last forever. Eventually, things go south, saggy and really horrible to look at. After having more surgery on her tits then Michael Jackson has had on his wonky face, she is apparently happy with them after cracking out a few stupidly-named children.

But what’s a girl to do when your career path is over? After handing the baton over to apparently sexy females such as Megan Fox, she did what any other self-respecting fame-grabbing person would do: Sell out big style and not stop until the whole world knows about you.

We know everything about her and sodden Peter Andre’s spicy sex love secrets and her endless shock stories about her struggle with motherhood. God bless the trashy world of women’s magazine literature.

Despite having a car crash reality TV show which shows us the wacky goings on of the family, this isn’t enough for Katie Price. Like an out-of-control monster, she wants to gobble up as much as she can and become the biggest media whore known to man.

She’s kind of done that in the UK and has now set her beady eyes to Hollywood: The home of botox, shattered dreams and never ending sense of guilt.

According to a deluded source:

“It’s a very good time to be British in Hollywood and you can’t fail to notice Jordan.”

That’s quote couldn’t be more true. Not only does Jordon resemble the middle colour in a set of traffic lights, but her ample chest may also help. It’s an unwritten rule of the world that the bigger the boob, the better opportunity get.

It’s just a shame the producers haven’t seen her appearance on I’m A Celebrity or tried to get their eyes round some of her books.

Still they want her to take part in the making of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark and play a vampire. Quite an odd roll to star as for your first Hollywood job, but it will suit Katie Price. She is quite good at sucking the life out of any opportunity.

Read More – Katie Price ‘to star in vampire movie’ – Digital Spy