Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.
Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.
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Science. Isn’t it a marvel? Without it there’d be no internet, which means we’d all probably have horrid, tanned, athletic bodies and nasty, well-rounded psyches unburdened by celebrity minutiae.
Without science we wouldn’t have photographs of that face on Mars that isn’t a face, or that Large Hadron Collider thingo that was meant to punch a hole in the universe and didn’t.
And without science we wouldn’t now know that pretend-vampire Robert Pattinson might be a non-pretend-vampire, because his dad’s Dracula, his mum’s Stephenie Meyer, Prince Harry is his cousin and his funny uncle is, oh, who knows, probably Jesus.
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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.
Besides being one S short of having the funniest monster name ever – some people find the Aswang to be truly intimidating. Rumour has it that in parts of the Philippines the streets are desolate as soon as the sun goes down for fear of being eaten by one of these things.
Don’t worry though – these shape shifters don’t usually go after living adults. They like to spend their time slathering mustard all over corpses of the recently dead. Also they sometimes use a proboscis to suck foetuses out of a woman’s woo-woo.
Other than that we’ve heard they’re probably dedicated vegetarians.
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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. Besides being one S short of having the funniest monster name ever – some people find the Aswang to be truly intimidating. [...]
Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas?
You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.
Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.
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Did you write off High School Musical as tiresomely juvenile even though you knew you’d actually wet yourself if the exact same sentiments were conveyed in a slightly emo way?
Then you’ll be thrilled to hear that that Twilight is the weekend box office number one.
While Twilight‘s US weekend box office success has its obvious downsides – like the fact that people have decided that Paramore aren’t a cock-awful gaggle of useless bad emo twits any more – it also has its upsides. For instance, Twilight being number one at the weekend box office means that if you’re British, have quite a nice haircut and wouldn’t be able to say or do anything even remotely charismatic even at knifepoint, you’re now guaranteed to get a girlfriend. True, she’ll be 14 years old and literally as annoying as a human being can get, but beggars can’t be choosers.
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There really is something about a girl with a pasty complexion, long fangs and an unhealthy desire to suck your blood dry.
OK, so put like that, it sounds a bit odd. But there’s little doubt that vampires can be very sexy.
Admittedly, Dracula never did anything for us. But whether it’s Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather bodysuit or Salma Hayek dancing with a snake, these damsels of the dark are worth getting into a flap about…
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Katie Price, who’s that? The short answer is the fake-tanned slapper who’s famous for getting her tits out.
However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.
In the early days (aka – the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.
Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!
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