Things aren’t looking so great for Tom Cruise’s big new comeback movie Valkyrie.

Apparently a big action film about a one-eyed Tom Cruise trying to batter Hitler to death with a suitcase isn’t all that. Who knew?

However, Tom Cruise isn’t going down without a fight. It’s been claimed that staff at a radio station were offered a free screening of Valkyrie – at Tom Cruise’s actual house – but only on the proviso that they all said that Valkyrie was a masterpiece, that Tom Cruise was a sexy virtuoso of acting and that Katie Holmes‘ dungeon actually didn’t look that uncomfortable really.

There’s a glut of big, big Oscar-worthy movies coming out at the moment, from Kate Winslet‘s moving portrayal of a Nazi in the upcoming adaptation of the acclaimed novel Holocaust MILF Sluts Go Wild to Meryl Streep‘s incendiary performance in Doubt, the follow-up to Mamma Mia that explores institutionalised paedophilia in the priesthood to the timeless beat of some of Abba‘s most beloved hits.

Our point is that it’s hard to get your movie noticed at the moment. Especially, as it turns out, if your movie is a dreary load of cock about Hitler that stars one of the most profoundly unlikeable actors in movie history. Which hobbles Tom Cruise’s new film Valkyrie from the outset, really.

To put it politely, Valkyrie has had a troubled birth. Germany tried banning Tom Cruise from filming there, then there were all the accidents, then its release got shunted around the calendar like a flaming dogpoo that nobody knew how to put out properly. And that was before the reviews started coming in.

The early word on Valkyrie is that it’s ‘unengaging’ and that Tom Cruise is ‘distractingly bad’ in it. But that doesn’t sit too well with Tom Cruise himself – after the disappointment of Mission: Impossible III and the fetid, unwatched abortion that was Lions For Lambs, Tom needs Valkyrie to be a great big hit. If it isn’t a massive, career-resuscitating blockbuster, then Tom Cruise will have insincerely apologised to Matt Lauer for absolutely nothing at all, and that would just tear him apart.

That’s why Tom Cruise has apparently been offering critics private screenings of Valkyrie at his house so long as they say something – anything – nice about the film. MSNBC reports:

According to a source with radio station K-Earth 101, the Cruise camp was willing to go to great lengths to garner some positive publicity. In fact, they went so far as to offer a screening for anyone at the station and their friends at the Cruise home, according to the source. “They offered to hold it in Tom’s home — they didn’t say if he’d be there or not. We just had to agree to say ‘nice things’ about the movie.”

Now, it goes without saying that this news is the last thing that Tom Cruise wants to get out. It makes him look like a needy, approval-seeking idiot desperately doing anything he can to save a movie that he knows stinks. It’s literally the worst publicity that Valkyrie could get – and since its publicity already includes the pull-quote ‘Tom Cruise is distractingly bad’ that’s really saying something.

But you know what? We’re willing to give Valkyrie a chance. Personally we’ve always found Tom Cruise to be an engagingly charismatic actor, plus he’s surrounded by a cast of exceptionally talented character actors and telling a story of enormous global significance. In fact, we’re going to confidently predict that Valkyrie will be one of the best movies made this decade. We can’t wait to go and see Valkyrie.

And, best of all, we’ll get to go and see it in the brand new sports car that Tom Cruise is going to send us for writing that last paragraph. Remember the contract, Tom. The boot has to be stuffed with jewels and prostitutes. Again, that’s jewels and prostitutes.

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Say the name Tom Cruise and at least 3 out of 10 women will swoon right down to the floor. That’s probably because both he and his soft velvety skin are considered ‘handsome.’

And we’re not talking about just in lost African pygmy tribes either – we mean by western standards lots of chicks really dig him, man. Who wouldn’t want to look like that?

Production of Cruise’s Valkyrie movie called for a publicity shot of Tommy-boy’s profile smack dab next to one of the would-be German assassin – and you know what? The two look quite alike. Until German murmuring turned up the fact the one photo was altered quite a bit to look like the American star.

The poor dead guy. That profile head-shot was probably all his kids had left.

Tom Cruise is very powerful in Hollywood – he’s topped that list thousands of times in the past. If he wants something he generally gets it – except for a chance to do another Mission Impossible movie. Or a decent interview with Matt Lauer. Or a wife that doesn’t kinda quiver inside whenever she hears his house key touch the doorknob lock.

But aside from that he gets anything he wants. He’s been working on this Valkyrie movie for sometime now. And if memory serves correct- at first he was looking for someone else to play the lead role of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg. Then he decided he’d be the only person fit for it. The world must have gasped with dismay as he first put on his nazi regalia – after all, nobody but Cruise himself thought he’d be good in the part.

We suspect it was to qualm concern, but a publicity pic of Cruise’s profile right next to von Stauffenberg’s profile was issued.

The two couldn’t have looked more alike if they’d been formed from the same zygote. Unless they actually did get formed that way. Yes, if they were identical twins in any way they probably would look a touch more alike.

The German’s still weren’t happy. They said their national hero looked photoshopped or something. Then people looked into it. Slate.com, for instance, says:

“Jim Festante, a Slate designer, wrote: “Look @ the nose, mouth, and chin. Definite (but slight) altering. Also, the head’s width is squeezed slightly.” And then designer Holly Allen added this: “To me, the nose looks different and definitely the eyebrows. Cheekbones and angle of the chin, too.” Finally, as a coup de grace, designer Jacob Berlow overlaid the AP photo of von Stauffenberg with the United Artists version:…Looks like someone tweaked the photo. Finding out who may be mission: impossible.”

That poor dead guy’s been dead for fifty years or something and now he has to look like Tom Cruise. If Scientology turns out to be right, it’ll probably help him score some chicks.

To read more see ‘Tom Cruise MysteryThe case of the doctored publicity photo.’ on slate.com

Well this is a pisser – we're going to have to wait four months longer than we expected to see Tom Cruise running around dressed up a tiny, one-eyed Nazi.

Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October to February.

The signs are clear – by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted he doesn't stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy's inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.

Although Tom Cruise has everything that all men dream of – his own movie studio, a wife who's never displayed a single drop of emotion and more car crash skills than trained paramedics – he hasn't really got anything approaching a film career right now.  

After his increasingly bewildering behaviour kicked the legs out from underneath Mission: Impossible III, Tom has struggled to make films again. Sumner Redstone sacked Tom from Paramount because he was so weird, and then the big Tom Cruise comeback movie Lions For Lambs died a violent death at the box office because only about four people went to to see it, and three walked out halfway through when they realised it wasn't actually about lambs. 

And that means that Tom Cruise has banked everything he's got on Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler by adopting a spookily similar haircut, or something. Making it was a brave move because a) people dislike Tom Cruise, b) people dislike war films and c) it was directed by the man behind Superman Returns, which was shit.

Factor in a couple of production problems, like some injured extras and the way that Germany banned Tom Cruise because he's so weird and the whole thing looks so uphill that it's bound to be doomed to failure. But if anyone can make Valkyrie a success, then it's Tom Cruise, right?

Maybe not. Now the latest bad news to hit Valkyrie is that its prime Oscar-friendly October release date has been shoved back to the conclusively Oscar unfriendly month of February. The LA Times reports:

"'United Artists and MGM have pushed back the release of Bryan Singer’s Tom Cruise starrer Valkyrie from Oct 3 to Feb 13,' reports Variety. That means the studios are diminishing the high Oscar expectations surrounding the Nazi thriller that previously had an awards-friendly release date. Smart move…. At this point in his fragile career, Cruise just needs to crank out a successful film taken seriously by film critics and movie-goers. Oscar voters can wait."

Great, Friday the 13th. That'll instill a whole lot of confidence in Tom Cruise, we're sure.

But let's be serious, Valkyrie hasn't been shunted back to any old February opening – it's going to be MGM's showcase movie for Presidents Day weekend. You know, Presidents Day. The weekend that Jumper did quite well at this year. And Ghost Rider the previous year. Come on, you must know – it's the weekend where movie studios put out summer films that clearly aren't good enough to be released in the actual summer.

So Tom Cruise has lost all hopes of Oscar glory, plus his studio is showing signs of losing faith with his movie, but people are still going to go an watch Valkyrie in their millions, right?

Actually, we're not so sure about that either. Let's not forget that this new Valkyrie release date clashes with the Super Pet Expo in King Of Prussia, PA. And given the choice between subjecting yourself to yet another insufferable Tom Cruise ego fluff or an afternoon spent looking at a cuddly little puppies, what would you do?

Read more:

'Valkyrie' release switch takes Oscar heat off Tom Cruise - LA Times