When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.

Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.

And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.

See, Leona is tired of being called ‘boring’ by people like us.

She knows that she’s quieter (not when she’s booming out some gut-spasming ballad, again) and less risque than pop stars like Lady GaGa, Rihanna and Daniel O’Donnell… hell… she probably knows that she’s less risque than a single, lonely glove, curling around around a fence post in the rain.

However, she thinks she has other things to offer to fans of her music.

“I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not boring. Unless you know me, I don’t really care about your opinions. I couldn’t care less.”

“Lady Gaga does her crazy thing and she is great. I definitely have something different to offer. I’m all about the music and songs.”

Get that? She’s all about the music and the songs. So has she got some of the greatest songwriters in the universe to pen hits for her?

Step forward Ne-Yo and Jessie J.

Jesus. What a boring, boring bore she izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Oh look! It’s Valentine’s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, “I WUV U.”

If you’re a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that’s what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.

But how to set the mood? A meal that isn’t microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you’re a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.

Don’t worry, she isn’t launching a vibrator with her horsey face etched on to the tip or launching a brand of condoms like JLS.

Leona Lewis can officially take the title of the “most played love song.” So, when raiding your CD or vinyl collection for a song to play during your three minutes of shagging, don’t put Sexual Healing on, rather, play Bleeding Love as it will definitely make any sexual act a billion times more romantic and that includes the swapping of STI’s.

Now we know what you’re thinking how can a song called Bleeding Love be given such an honour? After all, the song is essentially about periods. We only thought that someone with an extreme fetish involving blood would find that vaguely arousing. But no, this poll wasn’t picked by the public, but by an organisation called the PPL. The Press Association reports:

“Her 2007 single Bleeding Love tops a list of recordings played in public, including radio and shops, featuring the word love in the title. Figures released by airplay royalties’ body PPL show that one in 15 songs given a public airing has a name featuring “love” or variations.”

Let’s dissect this a little shall we?

Basically any song with the word love in the title stood a potential chance of being included on this list. That’s great, but we all know that the other people making up the list weren’t given a helping hand by karaoke competition X-Factor; all mastered by evil musical puppeteer Simon Cowell. As soon as she won the show, the song flooded TV & radio, forcing everyone to listen to her squeal about monthly cycle.

Other rubbish songs on the list include The Feeling’s 2006 song Love It When You Call. Spiller and Sophie Ellis Bextor’s single Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love) ranking third in the list.

Basically, it’s the second popularity contest she’s won really. On X-Factor Leona Lewis was crowned the winner for having all the charm, charisma and personality of a mushed-up paper bag. Being played the most on the TV/radio pretty much means that you should reward the person who gets the hashtag #cake trending on Twitter. Go on do that today, just to see if we make it popular enough to confuse everyone.

We’re sad that a decent love song didn’t get to number one in the list. Ape man Richard Keys has also angered us. He’s failed to see Valentine’s Day as a chance to release to his own romantic card with the heart warming message, “I’d Like To Smash You.”

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Like it or not, Valentine’s Day serves an important purpose – it’s the annual day of love and romance.

Imagine if there wasn’t a Valentine’s Day. You’d have to spend every single day of the year saying things like “I love you” and “You’ve made me so happy”. It’s clearly much better to have one day where you can get all of that out of your system, so that you can spend the rest of the year saying things like “I resent that you’ve stolen the best years of my life” and “Where’s my dinner?”

And now Hollywood has decided to maximise on this outpouring of love by making a film called Valentine’s Day and getting it to the top of the weekend box office. It’s a terrible, terrible film but beggar’s can’t be choosers, can they?

This might come as a bit of a shock to you, but there’s a new film out starring Jessica Alba from Good Luck Chuck, Jessica Biel from I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, the crap one out of Grey’s Anatomy, the crapper one out of Grey’s Anatomy, Jamie Foxx from The Soloist, Topher Grace from Spider-Man 3, Anne Hathaway from Bride Wars, Ashton Kutcher from The Butterfly Effect and Queen Latifah from that film about the woman who eats a lot of sandwiches because she’s got cancer, and it isn’t very good.

We totally didn’t see that coming either. But never mind, because Valentine’s Day has made it to the number one spot at the US weekend box office despite being called the worst movie ever made by several reviewers.

Incidentally, the movie likely to top the weekend box office next week is called Pancake Day, and it stars Robert DeNiro, Sir Ian McKellen, Meryl Streep and the ghost of Sir John Gielgud. Hopefully. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – Valentine’s Day (Looks like you can’t go wrong with a portmanteau that utilises chronological synergy after all. Hopefully if Hollywood gets its act together quickly enough it’ll be able to repeat the success of Valentine’s Day by making a similar film called Norwegian Constitution Day and releasing it for the big May 17 market) $52,410,000

2 - Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (You might think that this is just a shameless Harry Potter rip-off and nothing more, but you’d be wrong. For starters, its name is slightly different. Also… actually, no, that’s it. Its name is slightly different) $31,100,000

3 - The Wolfman (Werewolves are supposed to be the hot new thing, aren’t they? So why isn’t The Wolfman number one at the weekend box office? Simple – it’s because sexy young werewolves are the hot new thing, not middle-aged werewolves with impenetrable accents and a fondness for starring in films featuring Hannibal Lector staggering around like a concussed Santa Claus. There’s a lesson there) $30,672,000

4 - Avatar (Almost out of the weekend box office top five. And not a moment too soon. Thank goodness there aren’t any big awards ceremonies coming up that’ll reverse its slide any time soon, eh?) $22,000,000

5 - Dear John (An unbelievable drop for last week’s weekend box office number one. Maybe everyone’s waiting for it to come on DVD, so they can torture their boyfriends with it multiple times instead) $15,300,000

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Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Folded:

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (thought provoking, stunningly realised)
• Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona: So, Penelope Cruz or Scarlett Johansson? (utterly pointless discussion really because you’ll never bed either. Still, don’t rule stalking out)
• Loco Roco 2 (you’ll ever love it or want to kill everyone around you within two minutes of playing)
• Try this voucher code at Pizza Hut online and get 50% off your bill if you spend over £30 – FOW0501XN (£15 for a feast of mozzarella goodness? You’re welcome)
• Fruli (people will take the mick, then end up drinking half of yours)

Creased:

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (poncy critic fodder)
• Valentine’s Day cards (to my ‘girlfriend’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘one I love’ – how about ‘to the cheapskate who never leaves the car full of petrol’?)
• Lenny Henry (did you see him on Live at the Apollo a few weeks back? He’s still doing impressions of his granddad)
• Creme Eggs (they don’t scan at automated checkouts in the supermarket, which makes them annoying and not tasty like they should be)
• Letmegooglethatforyou.com (damn, the internet’s getting full)

Jason Mraz is a rather successful singer-songwriter whose most notable achievement thus far has been to make Jack Johnson appear satanically edgy by comparison.

Like Johnson, he records songs for which the videos, by law, have to be set in exotic surfing hotspots such as Hawaii. Jason Mraz albums are aspirational chill-out accessories for people who buy music based on whether they’ve heard it on a mobile phone advert.

Jason Mraz’s music is the kind of thing surfers play at dusk when the barbecue’s been fired up and they’re trying – and succeeding – to do sex on a young female traveller who thinks she’s suddenly living The Beach. As such it is the kind of music young women tend to like, while all but the surfing elements of the male gender instinctively want to punch it. Jason Mraz makes people want to punch music.
Anyway, if his tunes weren’t enough to inspire a healthy dollop of loathing, Jason Mraz has now sent a message out to his fans ahead of Valentine’s Day which basically amounts to: “Stick a tube up your arse, love Jason xoxo”.

“This coming Valentines Day,” he intones sweetly on his MySpace, “I invite you to love YOURSELF as much as you love your family or boyfriend or cat or vibrator or whatever.”

Bless! We should all learn to love ourselves, and that’s the truth. But how?

“Treat yourself to a new empowering lifestyle. Be the change you wish to see. Try a colonic. Try a yoga class. Get a massage. Go see a movie by yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge, just as long as you break from your routine and REALLY TREAT YOURSELF.”

It’s interesting to note that while Jason’s listenership almost certainly classes ‘really treating yourself’ as spending a work day in their jim-jams and eating a whole carton of ice cream while watching Loose Women, he perceives them to be nouveau-hippy free spirits who might – just might – consider throwing caution to the wind and going to the cinema on their own.

His assumption that they also have the time, money and inclination to spend the most romantic day of the year having their fecal waste sucked out through a plastic hose inserted into their anus, meanwhile, suggests Jason Mraz believes every single one of his fans is the type of person who drinks vegetable smoothies and resides in Southern California.

Such brainfartery isn’t all that surprising if you take a peek at Jason’s video for the infuriatingly inescapable I’m Yours, though. As he croons self-help gems like “rid yourself of vanities” you can witness him ambling along in rock star shades and what appears to be the Hofmeister bear’s funny little hat. Of course he looks pleased as punch with himself, since he knows he can afford as much arse-invading innard flushing as he damn well pleases.

Still, it’s nice that he cares enough to “communicate” with his fans, even though the act confirms the crushingly inevitable: that his brain has clearly switched from the setting marked “hippy-dippy singer-songwriter” to the one marked “reality-shy celebrity dicktard.”

This epic wedge of wonder is a guest blog by the Godlike Stuart Waterman from the essential My Chemical Toilet. You must go there immediately and soak up its genius.

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There are many ways to say you love someone, sometimes a diamond ring, a box of chocolates (expensive ones, not bought at the local garage!), flowers, underwear your mother warned you about – but what about a video message delivered online, spoken by a pair of luscious lips declaring your boundless, undying adulation?

Why not go check it out, figure out something to say, keep it clean (or not!) and, well, Happy Valentine’s Day!

This Valentine’s instead of sending a card like everyone else try this unusual but creative and fun way to send the message you want! It’s easy, just compose a sexy message and let the lips here do the rest!

Send your message here

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Valentine's Day does funny thing to people.

In a relationship? Valentine's Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine's Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine's Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you're caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine's Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.

We've never really written about Bai Ling before, but that's because we weren't even sure if she qualifies as a celebrity. Yes, Bai Ling may have been in such cinematic masterpieces as Wild Wild West and Taxi 3 - which cinematically puts her up there with Dame Helen Mirren – but, well, we've just never really seen the point of her other than a funny a haircut and the slight idea that she looks a bit dirty.

And then Bai Ling went shoptlifting for some rubbish items and blamed it on a boy who made her sad. Welcome in, Bai, welcome in.

Apparently Bail Ling was due to fly from LA to Albuquerque for a film on Wednesday, but she was collared by a gift shop employee for trying to leave without paying for two celebrity magazines and two packets of batteries. True, it's not quite as decent airport entertainment as wetting yourself or vomiting champagne all over the place, but it's a start.

However, we shouldn't look upon Bai Ling's arrest as a bad thing, because we have much to take from it. Firstly, she looks on the verge of tears in her mugshot, which is a refreshing departure from arrested celebrities looking all adorable, and secondly, Bai Ling has the universe's best excuse for the arrest, as E! Online reports:

The 37-year-old actress and scenester exclusively tells E! News that she split with her new boyfriend Wednesday before she was scheduled to fly from LAX to New Mexico to begin shooting a film, turning it into an "emotionally crazy" day for her. She was dealing with the "huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine's Day" when she was arrested for shoplifting, Ling said, adding, simply, "Wrong boyfriend."

It's actually quite sad, really, and we wish our emotionally-detached hearts were more like Bai Ling's, and that the visceral pain of a break-up could only be soothed by wandering into a gift store and trying to hamfistedly nick a bunch of stuff. So, yes, Bai Ling has our pity.

Enough pity to make us watch one of her films? No. We're not fucking mental.

Read more:

Bai Ling Blames Bust on Breakup - E! Online