When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.
Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.
And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.
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Oh look! It’s Valentine’s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, “I WUV U.”
If you’re a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that’s what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.
But how to set the mood? A meal that isn’t microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you’re a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.
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Like it or not, Valentine’s Day serves an important purpose – it’s the annual day of love and romance.
Imagine if there wasn’t a Valentine’s Day. You’d have to spend every single day of the year saying things like “I love you” and “You’ve made me so happy”. It’s clearly much better to have one day where you can get all of that out of your system, so that you can spend the rest of the year saying things like “I resent that you’ve stolen the best years of my life” and “Where’s my dinner?”
And now Hollywood has decided to maximise on this outpouring of love by making a film called Valentine’s Day and getting it to the top of the weekend box office. It’s a terrible, terrible film but beggar’s can’t be choosers, can they?
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Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Folded:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (thought provoking, stunningly realised)
- Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona: So, Penelope Cruz or Scarlett Johansson? (utterly pointless discussion really because you’ll never bed either. Still, don’t rule stalking out)
- Loco Roco 2 (you’ll ever love it or want to kill everyone around you within two minutes of playing)
- Try this voucher code at Pizza Hut online and get 50% off your bill if you spend over £30 – FOW0501XN (£15 for a feast of mozzarella goodness? You’re welcome)
- Fruli (people will take the mick, then end up drinking half of yours)
Creased:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (poncy critic fodder)
- Valentine’s Day cards (to my ‘girlfriend’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘one I love’ – how about ‘to the cheapskate who never leaves the car full of petrol’?)
- Lenny Henry (did you see him on Live at the Apollo a few weeks back? He’s still doing impressions of his granddad)
- Creme Eggs (they don’t scan at automated checkouts in the supermarket, which makes them annoying and not tasty like they should be)
- Letmegooglethatforyou.com (damn, the internet’s getting full)
Jason Mraz is a rather successful singer-songwriter whose most notable achievement thus far has been to make Jack Johnson appear satanically edgy by comparison.
Like Johnson, he records songs for which the videos, by law, have to be set in exotic surfing hotspots such as Hawaii. Jason Mraz albums are aspirational chill-out accessories for people who buy music based on whether they’ve heard it on a mobile phone advert.
Jason Mraz’s music is the kind of thing surfers play at dusk when the barbecue’s been fired up and they’re trying – and succeeding – to do sex on a young female traveller who thinks she’s suddenly living The Beach. As such it is the kind of music young women tend to like, while all but the surfing elements of the male gender instinctively want to punch it. Jason Mraz makes people want to punch music.
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There are many ways to say you love someone, sometimes a diamond ring, a box of chocolates (expensive ones, not bought at the local garage!), flowers, underwear your mother warned you about – but what about a video message delivered online, spoken by a pair of luscious lips declaring your boundless, undying adulation?
Why not go check it out, figure out something to say, keep it clean (or not!) and, well, Happy Valentine’s Day!
This Valentine’s instead of sending a card like everyone else try this unusual but creative and fun way to send the message you want! It’s easy, just compose a sexy message and let the lips here do the rest!
Send your message here
This is a sponsored article. To see your viral featured on hecklerspray contact us.
There are many ways to say you love someone, sometimes a diamond ring, a box of chocolates (expensive ones, not bought at the local garage!), flowers, underwear your mother warned you about - but what about a video message delivered online, spoken by a pair of luscious lips declaring your boundless, undying adulation?
Why not go check it out, figure out something to say, keep it clean (or not!) and, well, Happy Valentine's Day!
This Valentine's instead of sending a card like everyone else try this unusual but creative and fun way to send the message you want! It's easy, just compose a sexy message and let the lips here do the rest!
Send your message here
This is a sponsored article. To see your viral featured on hecklerspray contact us.
Valentine's Day does funny thing to people.
In a relationship? Valentine's Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine's Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine's Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you're caught and arrested.
Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine's Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.
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