valentine's day - HecklerSpray

Five Sexy Movies to Get You Hot for Valentine’s Day!

February 13th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Move over, Fifty Shades of Gray! Shut up, Dirty Dancing! Step aside, Ghost! Stop being so rapey, Last Tango in Paris! Go to hell, Ernest Scared Stupid! You want some real sexy movies to get you hot and bothered this Valentine’s Day? Well, your old pal Krysta is here to provide!

If there is one thing I know, it’s romance. If there’s another thing I know, it’s being cheap, so what’s a better cheap Valentine’s Date night then staying in and watching a sexy movie? So break out your $10 bottles of wine and get ready for me to help you bring the heat with these five hot movie picks!

Hecklerscopes: Even Venus Hates You

August 4th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

It would be stupid to expect you to wander through life without a little guidance. ?Life is tricky and you can’t be expected to work everything out for yourselves. Especially you at the back there, with the tears and snot-bubbles.

So once again, our Queen of the Runes, Jo Bolouri, looks at the stars to provide you with a cheat-sheet for the next week of your life, helping you to fulfill you.

Shall we see what the stars are saying you gullible, gullible shitcarriage?

Leona Lewis Goes On And On And On About How She Isn’t Boring

May 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.

Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.

And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.

Leona Lewis Claims Valentine?s Day Most Tedious Award

February 14th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Oh look! It's Valentine?s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you\’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, ?I WUV U.?

If you're a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that's what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.

But how to set the mood? A meal that isn't microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you're a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.

Valentine’s Day Tops Weekend Box Office Because People Are Stupid

February 14th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Like it or not, Valentine’s Day serves an important purpose – it’s the annual day of love and romance.

Imagine if there wasn’t a Valentine’s Day. You’d have to spend every single day of the year saying things like “I love you” and “You’ve made me so happy”. It’s clearly much better to have one day where you can get all of that out of your system, so that you can spend the rest of the year saying things like “I resent that you’ve stolen the best years of my life” and “Where’s my dinner?”

And now Hollywood has decided to maximise on this outpouring of love by making a film called Valentine’s Day and getting it to the top of the weekend box office. It’s a terrible, terrible film but beggar’s can’t be choosers, can they?

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Folded:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (thought provoking, stunningly realised)
Woody Allen?s Vicky Cristina Barcelona: So, Penelope Cruz or Scarlett Johansson? (utterly pointless discussion really because you\’ll never bed either. Still, don't rule stalking out)
Loco Roco 2 (you’ll ever love it or want to kill everyone around you within two minutes of playing)
Try this voucher code at Pizza Hut online and get 50% off your bill if you spend over ?30 ? FOW0501XN (?15 for a feast of mozzarella goodness? You're welcome)

Jason Mraz Wants Your Valentine’s Day To Involve Anus-Tubes

March 25th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Jason Mraz is a rather successful singer-songwriter whose most notable achievement thus far has been to make Jack Johnson appear satanically edgy by comparison.

Like Johnson, he records songs for which the videos, by law, have to be set in exotic surfing hotspots such as Hawaii. Jason Mraz albums are aspirational chill-out accessories for people who buy music based on whether they’ve heard it on a mobile phone advert.

Jason Mraz’s music is the kind of thing surfers play at dusk when the barbecue’s been fired up and they’re trying – and succeeding – to do sex on a young female traveller who thinks she’s suddenly living The Beach. As such it is the kind of music young women tend to like, while all but the surfing elements of the male gender instinctively want to punch it. Jason Mraz makes people want to punch music.

Send A Valentine’s Day Message With A Difference!

March 25th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

There are many ways to say you love someone, sometimes a diamond ring, a box of chocolates (expensive ones, not bought at the local garage!), flowers, underwear your mother warned you about – but what about a video message delivered online, spoken by a pair of luscious lips declaring your boundless, undying adulation?

Why not go check it out, figure out something to say, keep it clean (or not!) and, well, Happy Valentine’s Day!

This Valentine’s instead of sending a card like everyone else try this unusual but creative and fun way to send the message you want! It’s easy, just compose a sexy message and let the lips here do the rest!

Bai Ling Only Went Robbing Because She Was Sad

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Valentine's Day does funny thing to people.

In a relationship? Valentine's Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine's Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine's Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you're caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine's Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.