Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re often told off for using inappropriate words to describe the girls’ genitalia. In fact, there was a time that Matthew Laidlow had to spend three weeks hooked up to a catheter after asking Joanna Bolouri if he could cop a feel of her “pouch”. After that, Editor Mof came up with some severe guidelines on sexual harassment and the bedsit hasn’t been the same since.

The real question is, how do you refer to your genitals? It’s not because we have any real interest in knowing, you understand. We just want to focus on what’s important in this column. We want to focus on the real issues of the day and do that we need to know what you ladies call your vagina.

Okay, we’ll admit it. We don’t know, nor do we want to know.

After all, what you call your genitals is no business of ours, right? We don’t care that you named your breasts Babs & Windsor after the busty star of ‘Carry On… Whatever’ and we definitely don’t care that you named your vibrator Simon because you have a worrying crush on Simon Cowell that you’ll never admit to in public.

It’s none of our business.

We also definitely don’t care about your hygiene but fans of using Spotify for free will have noticed that it does. Not only does Spotify care about every single one of the things we’ve just mentioned, so does Miranda Hart. Miranda Hart. Come on, you know the one. She has that sitcom where she pretends to be a bumbling fool who gets into wacky, yet mundane situations to the basic mirth of a few Guardian-reading snobs who prefer to be told what they’re allowed to like.

Of course, we know there are two passionate schools of thought on Miranda Hart and her show. People either seem to love it or hate it so, in the interest of balance…

…Miranda Hart! Come on! You know her! She’s wonderful! She does the show Miranda where she preys on her own insecurities to write a wonderfully fun and heartwarming comedy of errors. She was in Hyperdrive as well- it was surprisingly good.

There. Balance. Here at hecklerspray we don’t feel passionately enough either way about Miranda Hart, her show, or all of the comedy awards she’s won to bother making this all about her. That being said, what do you reckon Miranda Hart calls her vagina?

It’s a shower gel that’s designed with the sole intention of making sure your bits stay fresh. Isn’t that nice? Nice and fresh. There’s nothing better than keeping your fandango fresh. Fandango. Fannnnndango. A fandango is a dance performed in triple-time. That implies a really quick in-and-out of the ol’ fandango. It doesn’t imply any pleasure, does it?

Who’s actually calling their vagina their “fandango” anyway? It’s a word that has been altered into the Scottish vernacular as ‘fan-dan’ which means ‘fanny’ which, in turn, means that someone’s being a bit of a berk. It’s not something that we can imagine anyone actually describing their sexual organs as. It’s also the name of a Lucasarts point-and-click adventure game entitled ‘Grim Fandango‘.

The characters in Grim Fandango are all skeletons. Essentially what we’re saying is that- in the bedsit at least- anyone calling their vagina a ‘fandango’ will instantly make us think of a grim skeleton and no-one wants to have their vagina compared to Kate Moss like that, do they?

Also, at no point does Miranda ever refer to it as “yer fanny” in a voice dirtier than a Pirate’s lunchbox so we suppose that’s something. It’s the little miracles that keep us going…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Lady GaGa is a kookpot isn’t she? Outlandish outfits, weird videos and at her recent shows, a gigantic deep sea creature that emerges from the back of the stage and a car that has a piano for an engine. With all that, you can only imagine how debauched her sex life is, right?

It appears not as Ms. GaGa has stated that she really doesn’t knock uglies with anyone. Is it because she’s busy? Partly. Is it because she keeps her creative sparks up her lady front garden? Apparently so.

GaGa (real name Nerys Hughes) told Vanity Fair that she is worried about the effect sex could have on her creative… er… juices.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

Pardon? It’s not all amusing fannytalk though.

“I’m perpetually lonely. I’m lonely when I’m in relationships. It’s my condition as an artist.

“I’m drawn to bad romances. And my song ['Bad Romance'] is about whether I go after those or if they find me. I’m quite celibate now; I don’t really get time to meet anyone.”

Hardy surprising if some poor person is going to assume that sticking things up her toot-toot is going to make a load of her song ideas spill out.

How would you even clean that up?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Michelle Rodriguez: gay or straight? That’s probably the question that keeps you awake most at night, admit it.

Ah, who are we kidding? There isn’t a soul on the face of the planet who really gives very much of a sniff about Michelle Rodriguez’s sexuality at all. Apart from Michelle Rodriguez, that is. She just refuses to ever bloody shut up about it. And, for your information, Michelle Rodriguez is keeping it a secret. She says “If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog, that’s my business.”

Oh my god. Michelle Rodriguez totally fucks dogs.

People too often define themselves by their sexuality. If you’re a heterosexual man, society dicates that you must watch football and smash beer cans on your head. If you’re a heterosexual woman, then you must bake cakes and only ever think about cushions. And if you’re gay? Well, who else do you think watches Hotel Babylon?

Anyway, this way of thinking is outmoded and dangerous. These days, the rise of social equality means you can define yourself however you like. Take Michelle Rodriguez, for example. Nobody knows if Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian or not. On the one had she looks a bit mannish. On the other hand she kissed that guy on Lost once. But on the other other hand, that guy had hair like a girl. It’s a minefield.

But you know what? Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t want you to make judgements on how gay she might or might not be. And if that’s what you’re doing, then Michelle Rodriguez totally hates you and think slime comes out of your head when you sleep or something.

And in the latest issue of Latina magazine, Michelle Rodriguez finally lashed out at all the people who won’t shut up about what she does with her vagina:

“I just keep it to myself and it’s nobody’s business. If I wanna f**k a girl, a boy, a dog, that’s my business. That’s why there’s bathroom doors. What the majority of (people) want to know is what I’m doing with my vagina, and I think that that’s sick. What do you care who I’m dating? I can tell when somebody just wants to know about sex. And it makes me sick.”

Yeah! That’s why there’s bathroom doors! Let the lesbians fuck their dogs in peace! Sheesh.

Listen, we feel partly to blame for Michelle Rodriguez’s confusing outburst, because we’re online bloggers. And Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t exactly think very highly of us:

“I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off.”

Hey Michelle, that’s not slime. That’s drool. We’re drooly sleepers. Subtle difference. Otherwise, a mostly accurate description.

But, OK, point taken. You’ll never hear us speculate about Michelle Rodriguez’s sexuality again. We’ll define her as she clearly wants to be defined – as a strong, independent woman who keeps going to jail because she can’t drive a car for shit. See? Now everyone’s happy.

Read more:

Lost star Michelle Rodriquez lashes out at gay rumours – Mirror