No really, you will pay $20. Don’t think you can go snapping pictures of Gary Coleman on your phone without paying $20 first. Do that and you’ll get beaten up by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman’s wife, and get your phone stolen, and then get knocked to the ground by Gary Coleman’s truck. Allegedly.

Alternatively, do do that. That’s apparently what happened to Colt Rushton earlier this month and, as well as making sure that Gary Coleman has been charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct for it, he’s also hit Coleman with a lawsuit. This has to make today the worst day for Gary Coleman since, dunno, yesterday? He doesn’t exactly look as if his days are filled with sunshine and monkeys, does he?

It must be hard being Gary Coleman. Nobody you meet ever likes you for you – if they’re aware of your work their affection is going to be ironic, and if they’re not they probably think you’re some sort of hideously deformed infant scald-victim or something. No wonder you think your life is such a swirling cesspit of existential misery that you occasionally attack the inside of your own car.

That’s why it wasn’t exactly a surprise to hear that Gary Coleman had apparently run a man over in his truck after an argument recently. After all, it was a perfect storm of potential rage. All the ingredients were there – Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman’s on-off wife, alcohol, photographs, a bowling alley, a truck, the inescapable sensation that nobody involved will ever leave Utah – how could that not end up with Gary Coleman knocking a man over with a truck?

And now, ten days after the alleged incident, police have finally charged Gary Coleman with reckless driving and disorderly conduct. It originally wasn’t going to take that long to charge Coleman, but the police had to go through all the angry black truck-driving midgets in the surrounding area to make sure they’d got the right one. And there sure are plenty of angry black truck-driving midgets in Utah, trust us.

Better still, Colt Rushton, the man who Gary Coleman allegedly attacked, has decided to sue Coleman for the injuries sustained during the incident, which means we all get to hear his side of the story in explicit detail. E! Online reports the good part, after Rushton had been beaten up by Gary Coleman and his wife and bodyguard for refusing to pay $20 for a photo of him:

When Rushton attempted to retrieve his phone, Coleman, at this point behind the wheel of his vehicle, “slammed the truck into reverse, swerved and swung the front of the truck into [Rushton], hitting him, throwing him to the ground and possibly running him over,” according to the court documents.

Actually, if we were Gary Coleman we wouldn’t worry too much about any of this. The man he allegedly his with his truck is called Colt Rushton. Colt Rushton, for God’s sake. Everyone would hit someone called Colt Rushton with a truck if they had the chance, just to get him back for his stupid name.

We can’t even drive, but if we ever met anyone called Colt Rushton we’d go away, slowly and methodically learn the basic principles of driving, work really hard to save some money, spend it all on a brand new truck, go back to Colt Rushton’s house, ring his doorbell, wait for him to answer, run back to the truck and knock him to the floor in it. Of course we would. His name is Colt Rushton. He deserves that to happen to him.

So, basically use that defence and you’ll probably be OK, Gary. Our bill’s in the post.

And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people. 

Unless you're some sort of expert, you've probably lost count of exactly what the celebrity rehab situation is at the moment. So, just to get you up to speed, Kirsten Dunst is in rehab and Amy Winehouse is in rehab unless she's not. Britney Spears was in something a bit like rehab, but she's out now and Eva Mendes was in rehab but she's out as well but soon she'll go back. Happy?  

Anyway, this is about Eva Mendes, so let's focus on her. Apparently Eva Mendes had been in rehab in Utah for weeks before anyone found out last Friday, and now she's out already. Sort of. E! Online reports:

A rep for the actress confirmed Mendes has returned to Los Angeles but said she soon plans to head back to the facility where she is being treated. "Eva is attending to some personal business in Los Angeles and intends to return to complete her treatment shortly," publicist Brad Cafarelli said in a statement.

Of course, what stings most about all this is how secretively Eva Mendes is playing it. There was no messy build-up, no crying in public and no almost getting fired by a movie producer for being such a massive trainwreck at work. It's all come out of the blue, and we can only hope that when she's finished her course of rehab Eva Mendes will give a series of dignity-shredding interviews about all her problems just to make up for it.

But still, nobody seems to have learnt why Eva Mendes even went to rehab in the first place – does she have a real problem or is this one of those Isaiah Washingtony pretend rehab stints? – although the odd clue has emerged here and there. Some sources have suggested that Eva Mendes has a cocaine problem, while others have pointed the finger at 'body issues' – which probably means bulimia – and 'low self-esteem'.

That'll be the same Eva Mendes who opened her last film by ramming her fingers up her chuff. And that's her with body issues and low self-esteem? We hate to think what Eva Mendes would be like with no body issues and high self-esteem, in that case.

Lindsay Lohan, probably. Ugh.

Read more:

Eva Mendes on Break from Rehab - E! Online 

Yeah, they're liars. Kirsten Dunst has reportedly checked into rehab in Utah and – best of all – it's been suggested that she was off her face on something or other when she did.

Now, it's too early to know what – if anything – Kirsten Dunst is addicted to so badly that she needs to attend rehab for it, but senior experts have ruled out toothpaste, dental floss, dental braces or anything to do with her whole dental region because, well, look at her.

We can't claim to know Kirsten Dunst, but we know a lot about her. For instance, we know that Kirsten Dunst's performance in Spider-Man 3 was so fist-swallowingly dire that we now physically lash out at anyone who even looks like they're about to make an omelette and dance the Twist at the same time.

We also know, thanks to her relationship with skinny indie tit Johnny Borrell, that Kirsten Dunst couldn't have any worse taste in men if she started dry-humping Slobodan Milosevic's corpse-leg while staring at a poster of Ashley Cole. And finally we know that Kirsten Dunst is, or recently has been, off her chops on booze or drugs.

A week ago we reported that Kirsten Dunst was in terrible shape at the Sundance festival and looked as if she was on the verge of some sort of breakdown. Although her people quickly denied this, it appears that Kirsten Dunst has just checked into the same Utah rehab facility that looked after Eva Mendes during whatever it was that was wrong with her last week.

And, brilliantly, reports are suggesting that Kirsten Dunst was twatted when she checked in. Star reports:

"She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."  

People have long questioned Kirsten Dunst's behaviour, noticing that she liked a drink and that she seemed to assume that Spider-Man would crumble if she ever left, when really it'd be identical except there'd be less bad-toothed ginger girls dancing the Twist and cooking an omelette at the same time.

However, Kirsten Dunst's timing couldn't have been more impeccable. By deciding to get intoxicated, start crying and head to rehab when she did, Kirsten missed all the paparazzi circus because everyone was too busy filming Britney Spears' car from helicopters.

It's a smart move, and no doubt it'll be copied by other celebrities trying to hide their problems. If that's the case, look out for an A-list stampede to Utah when Britney Spears tries to kill herself next. You heard it here first.

Read more:

Star Exclusive: Kirsten Dunst In Rehab! – Star 

That's because Eva Mendes has never crashed her car drunk, had public drug-addled razorblade fights with men about a prostitute or called anyone 'Sugartits' – all tell-tale signs of the rehab-bound.

But never mind that, because Eva Mendes has gone to rehab. And she's been there for several weeks. And she couldn't even be bothered to shave off all her hair in front of a swarm of paparazzi first. What a selfish bitch.

Eva Mendes, although recently named as one of the most desirable women in the world, likes to keep herself to herself. Well, apart from that film she was in where she kept sticking her fingers down her pants. That wasn't especially private of her. But generally, yes, Eva Mendes seemed like the retiring type.

We always assumed that this was because Eva Mendes was a sweet, shy girl who didn't care much for the trappings of fame. Turns out, though, that Eva Mendes was avoiding the limelight because she was off her shit on drugs all the time.

Probably. It's been reported that Eva Mendes – who, let's not forget, almost became a freaking nun – has been holed up in Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility for several weeks while she attempts to overcome what's believed to be a substance abuse problem. People reports:

Eva Mendes checked into Utah's Cirque Lodge and has been in the facility, which deals with substance-abuse problems, for several weeks. "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details," her rep told PEOPLE Friday. 

Looking back it all seems so obvious – not only was Eva Mendes fairly convincing in her role as a drug-addict in We Own The Night, but she also agreed to star in Ghost Rider with Nicolas Cage, and only drug addicts or the legally brain-deficient would have done that.

Again, no word on what exact substance addiction Eva Mendes is actually in rehab for, but our main guess would either be fake tanning agent or Toilet Duck. In fact, there's something highly fishy about this Eva Mendes rehab story – having seen Hitch, 2 Fast 2 Furious and Will Smith's video for Miami, we're buggered if Eva Mendes even knows what substance is.

Worst of all, though, if Eva Mendes is in rehab then it means that PETA is being endorsed by a drug addict. We think that means it's OK to start beating up duckings again.

Read more:

Eva Mendes In Rehab - People 

But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that's why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it's only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.

Oh come on, you know who Katherine Heigl is. She's the woman from Grey's Anatomy who was in Knocked Up. You know, the woman from Grey's Anatomy who mentioned how much she dislikes Knocked Up in that interview about how much she dislikes Grey's Anatomy. You know who she is. 

Anyway, she's got married. We know, big stuff. Katherine Heigl's wedding to musician Josh Kelley took place on Thursday at a lodge in Park City, Utah. And by all accounts it was a beautiful ceremony. Obviously by 'all accounts' we mean 'just one account that we only just read about a second ago' and that happens to come from People:

With a light snow falling outside, Katherine Heigl exchanged vows with musician Josh Kelley in scenic Park City, Utah. The private reception was witnessed by Grey's Anatomy costars T.R. Knight – who told PEOPLE it was "incredible and beautiful" – and Sandra Oh, as well as Private Practice star Kate Walsh and new husband Alex Young. Taking place in a small, private tent at the Stein Eriksen Lodge, the nuptuals lasted about 30 minutes in an area decked out in white flowers and white candles. A walkway from the tent to the nearby reception was lined with white candles, illuminating the fresh snow. 

But who is this Josh Kelley character who's suddenly become Katherine Heigl's husband? Well, if you saw the Disney movie Brother Bear 2 you'll recognise his song Feels Like Home from the soundtrack. You didn't see that film? OK, then you might recognise his song Sunset Lover from the John Tucker Must Die soundtrack. Didn't see that one either? He did a song for My Super Ex-Girlfriend. No? Herbie Fully Loaded? Still no? Oh, suit yourselves.

Anyway, Josh Kelley first met Katherine Heigl when she starred in the music video to his song Only You. Ah, that old romantic 'invite women you want to have sex with to star in your music videos' ploy. It never fails to bring a lump to our throats. 

So congratulations to Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley. May you both stay married until the next really quiet news day comes around so we can pretend to be interested in that as well.

Read more:

Nothing Gray About Katherine Heigl's Wedding Day - E! Online

That's partly because R Kelly keeps successfully managing to push court dates further and further back every time things start to look serious for him – but no longer, because if R Kelly doesn't turn up to court in the next 90 minutes, he's going to be arrested. R Kelly was due to appear in court in Chicago yesterday, you see, but he failed to show up because his tour bus was crocked first by snow and then by a slightly overzealous group of Utah police officers. Hopefully, though, this threat of arrest will force R Kelly to show up in court once and for all, where he'll do the decent thing and get his child porn trial pushed back a couple of years again.

Utah's not a good place to go if you're famous. It's a place where you can't even angrily attack the interior of your own car without attracting a crowd of rubber-neckers, and the threat of bumping into Lindsay Lohan is so high that the CIA has put the state near the top of its official Idiot List.

But worse than that, Utah is a state with a police force so officious that it even stops controversial R&B singers from attending child porn hearings, as R Kelly discovered yesterday.

R Kelly has been waiting since 2002 to go to trial over charges that supposed sex tape of him allegedly having sex with what appears to be a 13 or 14-year-old girl and then doing a wee on her. If he's convicted of all charges, then R Kelly will end up spending anything up to 15 years in jail.

But that's only if R Kelly hasn't died of old age by the time the trial actually starts, because it's been pushed time and time again thanks to burst internal organs and ladder-related accidents. Most recently, the R Kelly child porn trial was set to start in September, but that fell through because his lawyer had a sore tumpsy from giving birth. So yesterday R Kelly was due in a Chicago court to hear when the new trial would start.

Except he didn't show up. Why? Had R Kelly gone on the run to found a brave new land where grown men can film themselves widdling on teenagers' heads whenever they want, unless they didn't do it in which case they'd be perfectly free not to? No, R Kelly was stuck in Utah because a policeman had decided that his bus driver wasn't properly rested and ordered him to pull over for eight hours. According to E! Online, this annoyed the prosecutors somewhat:

"It is an abuse of the process and disrespectful of the court and your honor for everyone who has come prepared to go," said Assistant State's Attorney Shauna Boliker. "The very least he could do is be here for his appointed court date."

And because of the Utah-enforced no-show, the judge decided to put an arrest warrant on R Kelly's head unless he shows up in court by 9am today, Chicago time. It could be one of the most important court hearings of R Kelly's life, too, because it's expected to be when the judge will give him a final start date for the trial.

Well, OK, maybe not a final start date – what's more likely to happen is that someone vaguely related to the case will trip over a skateboard, push the trial back again and give R Kelly the chance to record a couple more slightly inappropriate albums all about the way his penis resembles a car key.

Read more:

R. Kelly's Bus-Stop Blues – E! Online