Utah - HecklerSpray

Gary Coleman Charged With Being A Tiny Angry Man

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You’d pay $20 for a photo of Gary Coleman. For the pleasure of looking at a dishevelled grump-faced 40-year-old midget for the rest of your life, you’d pay $20.

No really, you will pay $20. Don’t think you can go snapping pictures of Gary Coleman on your phone without paying $20 first. Do that and you’ll get beaten up by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman’s wife, and get your phone stolen, and then get knocked to the ground by Gary Coleman’s truck. Allegedly.

Alternatively, do do that. That’s apparently what happened to Colt Rushton earlier this month and, as well as making sure that Gary Coleman has been charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct for it, he’s also hit Coleman with a lawsuit. This has to make today the worst day for Gary Coleman since, dunno, yesterday? He doesn’t exactly look as if his days are filled with sunshine and monkeys, does he?

Eva Mendes Out Of Rehab, She’ll Be Back

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We can't overstate how selfish Eva Mendes is being at the moment – what sort of self-respecting celebrity quietly goes off to rehab instead of having a massive teary public breakdown?

And what's more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she's ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn't through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she's only left temporarily. But that doesn't answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people.

Kirsten Dunst Checks Into Rehab Smashed

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know the other day when people were all like 'Kirsten Dunst needs help' and Kirsten Dunst's people were all like 'Shut up, Kirsten Dunst is fine'?

Yeah, they're liars. Kirsten Dunst has reportedly checked into rehab in Utah and – best of all – it's been suggested that she was off her face on something or other when she did.

Now, it's too early to know what – if anything – Kirsten Dunst is addicted to so badly that she needs to attend rehab for it, but senior experts have ruled out toothpaste, dental floss, dental braces or anything to do with her whole dental region because, well, look at her.

Eva Mendes Skips Off To Rehab

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

One name that you wouldn't particularly expect to see on a rehab admission list is Eva Mendes.

That's because Eva Mendes has never crashed her car drunk, had public drug-addled razorblade fights with men about a prostitute or called anyone 'Sugartits' – all tell-tale signs of the rehab-bound.

But never mind that, because Eva Mendes has gone to rehab. And she's been there for several weeks. And she couldn't even be bothered to shave off all her hair in front of a swarm of paparazzi first. What a selfish bitch.

Mouthy Old Katherine Heigl Gets Herself Married

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Aside from the shouty homophobic one, the one who was in that Disney film, the bony one, the one from Sideways and the gay one, Katherine Heigl is easily the breakout star from TV's Grey's Anatomy.

But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that's why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it's only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.

R Kelly Misses His Child Porn Date In Court

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This R Kelly child porn sex-tape kerfuffle has rattled on for so long that the child in question is now a 93-year-old great-grandmother with an irrational phobia of urine, and yet still it shows no sign of concluding.

That's partly because R Kelly keeps successfully managing to push court dates further and further back every time things start to look serious for him – but no longer, because if R Kelly doesn't turn up to court in the next 90 minutes, he's going to be arrested. R Kelly was due to appear in court in Chicago yesterday, you see, but he failed to show up because his tour bus was crocked first by snow and then by a slightly overzealous group of Utah police officers. Hopefully, though, this threat of arrest will force R Kelly to show up in court once and for all, where he'll do the decent thing and get his child porn trial pushed back a couple of years again.