Articles tagged with: Usher
Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service: Fittingly Uncomfortable
In life, Michael Jackson always had a touch of the Willy Wonkas about him - reclusive, eccentric, fond of kids. But in death? Well, in death the comparison's gone berserk. Not only was the audience for yesterday's Michael Jackson memorial service doled out via a lucky ticket-style lottery system, but Michael Jackson himself made sure he was front and centre throughout the show in his great big shiny coffin. How nobody started a mass singalong of I've Got A Golden Casket is beyond us. But what a show the Michael Jackson memorial service was. Try and top that, Gary Glitter.
In life, Michael Jackson always had a touch of the Willy Wonkas about him - reclusive, eccentric, fond of kids. But in death? Well, in death the comparison's gone berserk. Not only was the audience for yesterday's Michael Jackson memorial service doled out via a lucky ticket-style lottery system, but Michael Jackson himself made sure he was front and centre throughout the show in his great big shiny coffin. How nobody started a mass singalong of I've Got A Golden Casket is beyond us. But what a show the Michael Jackson memorial service was. Try and top that, Gary Glitter.
Usher Apologises For Something Vaguely About Chris Brown
Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark - it's totally irrelevant, but it winds people up. OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn't showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst. But more fool Usher - in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!
Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark - it's totally irrelevant, but it winds people up. OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn't showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst. But more fool Usher - in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!
Usher’s Wife’s Face Or Body Is All Messed Up And Stuff
You know what we've realised? God hates good dancers. It's true - just look at what He did to Chris Brown. And now He's started messing about with Usher, too. Alright, not Usher specifically - Usher's wife Tameka Foster. All Tameka wanted was to go to Brazil for some cheap, possibly unregulated plastic surgery, and it all ended up going so horribly that Usher had to get a neurosurgeon in to fix her. But the good news is that Tameka Foster is now in a stable condition. Next time, God, pick on a dancer your own size. Like, say, that bellend from Jamiroquai.
You know what we've realised? God hates good dancers. It's true - just look at what He did to Chris Brown. And now He's started messing about with Usher, too. Alright, not Usher specifically - Usher's wife Tameka Foster. All Tameka wanted was to go to Brazil for some cheap, possibly unregulated plastic surgery, and it all ended up going so horribly that Usher had to get a neurosurgeon in to fix her. But the good news is that Tameka Foster is now in a stable condition. Next time, God, pick on a dancer your own size. Like, say, that bellend from Jamiroquai.
Usher Can’t Stop Getting People Pregnant
Usher is good at two things - dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant. OK, maybe not 'women' as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant - his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it's announced that Tameka's only gone and got another baby on the go. That's impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don't even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That's either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea. Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn't put it past him.
Usher is good at two things - dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant. OK, maybe not 'women' as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant - his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it's announced that Tameka's only gone and got another baby on the go. That's impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don't even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That's either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea. Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn't put it past him.
Usher To Spray Hits All Over The Laydeez, And Only The Laydeez
Hello there. Usher notices that you're a lady. He's seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly - do you mind if he sings? That probably isn't the intro tape to Usher's new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher's so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam's apple that he's banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher's rock hard testosterone can penetrate the moist, supple sea of oestrogen that is his audience. And you know what, we actually think it's a brilliant idea. That's why we've decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings. Seriously though, no blokes. We'll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.
Hello there. Usher notices that you're a lady. He's seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly - do you mind if he sings? That probably isn't the intro tape to Usher's new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher's so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam's apple that he's banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher's rock hard testosterone can penetrate the moist, supple sea of oestrogen that is his audience. And you know what, we actually think it's a brilliant idea. That's why we've decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings. Seriously though, no blokes. We'll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.
Usher Re-Hires His Mum, Which is an Odd Thing to Have to Say
Usher really must have thought he had it all going for him. He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat. Then he brought out a new album, 'Here I Stand', and - compared to his last one, 'Confessions', at least - it flopped something rotten. While still selling just under a million copies to date, this is considered a failure by both Usher and, more likely, his record label. So what's the solution when you're known around the world, popular, good looking and - apparently - talented? Why - sack your management and go running to your mum. Obviously. Which is exactly what Raymond has gone and done, re-employing the mother he sacked just over a year ago as a part of his throwing his toys out of the pram reaction to not selling enough records. Aww, bless him.
Usher really must have thought he had it all going for him. He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat. Then he brought out a new album, 'Here I Stand', and - compared to his last one, 'Confessions', at least - it flopped something rotten. While still selling just under a million copies to date, this is considered a failure by both Usher and, more likely, his record label. So what's the solution when you're known around the world, popular, good looking and - apparently - talented? Why - sack your management and go running to your mum. Obviously. Which is exactly what Raymond has gone and done, re-employing the mother he sacked just over a year ago as a part of his throwing his toys out of the pram reaction to not selling enough records. Aww, bless him.
Usher Conclusively Knows Why There’s So Many Lesbians
Sometimes at Hecklerspray our working days are often thrown into chaos as we attempt to help each other out.
While we have tried to make you believe that big boss man Stuart Heritage has gone in to hibernation, it is in fact a bit of a lie. You see, after spending months wondering why he has so many odd socks, Stu has gone off to find the critters responsible and aims to unite his left Scooby Doo sock with the missing right one.
Other problems facing the world at the moment include soaring petrol costs, how to block annoying applications on Facebook and getting a decent cup of tea made.
One thing we haven’t thought too much about is why more girls decide to shun blokes for other lady folk. Well, that is everyone apart from Usher. After spending years of researching the issue and spending millions of dollars, he’s ready to present his findings in a 10,000 page dossier.
Though we’ve been able to condense it all down in to a sentence for you. Isn’t that helpful?
Usher Tries Not To Be Unfaithful
Usher, or Raymond when he wears those plaid jackets, is struggling not to bonk everything that moves now he is married and has a baby son to bring up. Poor, rich bastard. Whether you like Usher's music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but he sure can throw some crazy moves together. And it's perhaps these slinky footsteps that have gotten his erect penis into trouble before. His reputation for banging broads like a horny puppy is well known in celebrity land.
Usher, or Raymond when he wears those plaid jackets, is struggling not to bonk everything that moves now he is married and has a baby son to bring up. Poor, rich bastard. Whether you like Usher's music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but he sure can throw some crazy moves together. And it's perhaps these slinky footsteps that have gotten his erect penis into trouble before. His reputation for banging broads like a horny puppy is well known in celebrity land.
